but they do want to make it late for something (mobile home cheese)

I like to sleep, but I hate to dream because dreaming takes energy. It takes work. Sleeping is supposed to be relaxing. I lay down on a bed. It feels great, but the next thing you know I have to build a go-kart with my ex landlord. —Mitch Hedberg

They have a fishing show on TV. They catch the fish but they let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, but they do want to make it late for something. --Mitch Hedberg

I love cottage cheese, that's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses too. I want to try studio apartment cheese or maybe igloo cheese or if I'm feeling adventurous, mobile home cheese. —Mitch Hedberg

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

they asked if I wanted it regular or unleaded (Force The Vote)

"Dick Cheney went to see the Tom Hanks film 'Angels and Demons,' and through the whole movie he's screaming, 'Go Demons! Go Demons.'" --David Letterman

"In college, Dick Cheney went through a rebellious phase where he experimented with smiling." –David Letterman

"This oil spill in the Gulf is affecting everybody. In fact, when I went to lunch this weekend and ordered the sea bass, they asked if I wanted it regular or unleaded."  –David Letterman

"You folks been following the big British Petroleum oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? I'm telling you, British Petroleum has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Out of how many? (giving up)

According to a new CBS poll, President Trump’s approval rating is just 36 percent. Said Trump, “Out of how many?” –Seth Meyers

A rare fish normally found only in the Amazon was caught yesterday in a New Jersey pond. Researchers believe the fish got to New Jersey the same way as everyone else: by giving up. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Just a little something to take the edge off, Ma (We're Family Here)

New York's State Assembly is considering a new bill that would

legalize alcoholic ice cream. "That's great news," said a five-year-old

having a rough day. “Just a little something to take the edge off,

Ma.” --Seth Meyers

A rare fish normally found only in the Amazon was caught yesterday in a New Jersey pond. Researchers believe the fish got to New Jersey the same way as everyone else: by giving up. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I don't need another step between me and toast (confused screaming)

I perform at a lot of colleges and I always buy the shirt from the college because the quality shirts are good and they are colorful. But people get the wrong idea. I walk around with a Washington University shirt on, some guy goes, ‘Hey, Washington. Did you go there?’ I said, ‘Yeah. It was a Wednesday.’ —Mitch Hedberg

Pepperidge Farm bread is some fine bread. That stuff is fancy man. It's wrapped twice. You open it and it still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it. I don't need another step between me and toast. --Mitch Hedberg

They have a fishing show on TV. They catch the fish but they let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, but they do want to make it late for something. --Mitch Hedberg

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Even Dick Cheney won't go hunting with her (a tasty new fish stick)

"But you know, this is a great thing about the United States of

America. We take any situation, make it something good. You

know, we are a glass half full country. Mrs. Paul's, the fish sticks

people, they heard about the mercury in the fish and they've

come out now with a tasty new fish stick which you can also use

to take your temperature." --David Letterman

"Squeaky Fromme has been in prison since the '70s for trying to shoot President Gerald Ford. Out of prison now. But she's described as an unstable gun nut. Here's how unstable and nutty she is. Even Dick Cheney won't go hunting with her." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Could be as much as $300,000 (Can we talk about this over a drink?)

Donald Trump is now ahead of Hillary Clinton in the polls. This was reported today in The Washington Post, and 2,000 years ago in the Book of Revelation. –Conan O’Brien

Troubling news for Hillary Clinton. The FBI says as part of its investigation of Hillary Clinton’s emails, it may call her in to speak to them. No word yet on how much Hillary’s planning to charge. Could be as much as $300,000. –Conan O’Brien

Yesterday, a female judge ruled that Bill Cosby must stand trial. Cosby said to the judge, "Can we talk about this over a drink?" –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Do you know what his least favorite card game is? (Which way is that?)

"We are learning more and more about New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. Do you know what his least favorite card game is? Bridge!" –Jay Leno

"Thousands of dead fish have now washed up on shore along the coast of South Carolina. Today the NRA said that this wouldn't have happened if those fish had guns." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday after his press conference about the big traffic scandal, Chris Christie traveled to Fort Lee, New Jersey, to personally apologize to the mayor there, but it took longer than he thought. Apparently traffic was a nightmare." –Jay Leno

"Even though Rick Perry came in fifth, he is not quitting. He said it's on to South Carolina. And then today, he said, 'Which way is that?'" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I don't need another step between me and toast (I said hey, maybe it's just a race)

Pepperidge Farm bread is some fine bread. That stuff is fancy man. It's wrapped twice. You open it and it still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it. I don't need another step between me and toast. --Mitch Hedberg

I was home last week and I heard a gunshot outside of my apartment, then I saw two guys run by my window. So I was gonna call the police but then I got optimistic. I said hey, maybe it's just a race. —Mitch Hedberg

They have a fishing show on TV. They catch the fish but they let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, but they do want to make it late for something. --Mitch Hedberg

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Even Dick Cheney won't go hunting with her (Please Don't Eat Me)

"Squeaky Fromme has been in prison since the '70s for trying to shoot President Gerald Ford. Out of prison now. But she's described as an unstable gun nut. Here's how unstable and nutty she is. Even Dick Cheney won't go hunting with her." --David Letterman

"But have you seen these town hall meetings about healthcare? People are screaming. And I'll tell you, because if there's one thing Americans hate, it's comprehensive health coverage." --David Letterman

"But you know, this is a great thing about the United States of America. We take any situation, make it something good. You know, we are a glass half full country. Mrs. Paul's, the fish sticks people, they heard about the mercury in the fish and they've come out now with a tasty new fish stick which you can also use to take your temperature." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Researchers believe the fish got to New Jersey the same way as everyone else: by giving up (unless he got the marriage counselor pregnant, I don't think that's true)

NASCAR released a statement today calling for the removal of the Confederate flag from the South Carolina capitol. Released a statement? They should have sent a pit crew. That thing would be down in under nine seconds. –Seth Meyers

A rare fish normally found only in the Amazon was caught yesterday in a New Jersey pond. Researchers believe the fish got to New Jersey the same way as everyone else: by giving up. –Seth Meyers

Former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said this week that marriage counseling is the biggest mistake he's ever made. Though unless he got the marriage counselor pregnant, I don't think that's true. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

they've come out now with a tasty new fish stick which you can also use to take your temperature (He inspired the Mojidiot)

"But you know, this is a great thing about the United States of America. We take any situation, make it something good. You know, we are a glass half full country. Mrs. Paul's, the fish sticks people, they heard about the mercury in the fish and they've come out now with a tasty new fish stick which you can also use to take your temperature." --David Letterman

"This is not the first time a president has inspired a cocktail. We have the Obamarita. And remember George W. Bush? He inspired the Mojidiot." --David Letterman

"Chris Christie will be delivering a 45-minute speech. Usually When Chris Christie talks for 45 minutes, it’s into the clown face at Jack In The Box." –David Letterman

"One of the candidates, Abdullah Abdullah, has dropped out of the running, and they think now his dumb son is thinking about running, Abdullah W. Abdullah." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

She said she'd rather stay home with the Biggest Loser (this wouldn't have happened if those fish had guns)

"Ann Romney, the wife of Mitt Romney, has reportedly turned down a chance to appear on 'Dancing With the Stars.' Apparently, she has something called 'self-respect. Actually, she says she loves to dance and is a big fan of the show, but she said she'd rather stay home with the Biggest Loser." –Jay Leno

"Thousands of dead fish have now washed up on shore along the coast of South Carolina. Today the NRA said that this wouldn't have happened if those fish had guns." –Jay Leno

"Republicans and Democrats are working on a new bill to streamline the healthcare system. It will reduce the cost of mammograms and prostate exams. But don't worry. They'll still be free at the airport." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry  

 

Or as Lincoln put it, 'I would have preferred a different ENDING.' (this wouldn't have happened if those fish had guns)

January 2013

"On Sunday the White House will hold a private swearing-in ceremony for President Obama. Not to be outdone, on Sunday Republicans will hold a private swearing-at ceremony for President Obama." –Jimmy Fallon

"The beginning of the movie 'Lincoln' has been slightly changed to explain the Civil War to foreign audiences. Or as Lincoln put it, 'I would have preferred a different ENDING.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Thousands of dead fish have now washed up on shore along the coast of South Carolina. Today the NRA said that this wouldn't have happened if those fish had guns." –Jay Leno

"Ann Romney, the wife of Mitt Romney, has reportedly turned down a chance to appear on 'Dancing With the Stars.' Apparently, she has something called 'self-respect. Actually, she says she loves to dance and is a big fan of the show, but she said she'd rather stay home with the Biggest Loser." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In fact it is so old, Andrew Cuomo is covering up its death (In the ground/Injured/ Indifferent)

February 2021

Florida officials said two women tried to get a second dose of the vaccine by dressing up as grandmothers. Which in Florida means they dressed up as thirty-five year olds. —Michael Che

Kim Kardashian has filed for divorce from Kanye West. And I really sympathize with Kanye because I know from experience how difficult it is to have to move that many sneakers out of a white ladies apartment. —Michael Che

Researchers studying the remains of a Wooly Mammoth have uncovered the world’s oldest DNA sequence. In fact it is so old, Andrew Cuomo is covering up its death. —Michael Che

A British woman has created a customized life jacket that allows a disabled goldfish to swim. The woman came up with the idea while not having plans on Valentine’s Day. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Shutdown 2: We Opened Up 2 Fast and People Are Furious (Well, at least they don’t have a lot of old people there)

July 2020

“As coronavirus cases rise in several states, it’s beginning to seem like our four months of sacrifice may have been for naught. Even the states that did it right are now backsliding, such as California, whose governor announced the statewide closure of indoor theaters, restaurants, bars and zoos on Monday. They’re shutting down again – Hollywood loves a sequel. This time it’s Shutdown 2: We Opened Up 2 Fast and People Are Furious.” —Stephen Colbert

“But as bad as things are in California, as it says in their tourist logo: it’s always worse in Florida, as the state broke the US record for coronavirus cases over the weekend and announced another 12,000 new cases on Monday. Well, at least they don’t have a lot of old people there. Or at least, thanks to their governor, they won’t in about three weeks.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Trump celebrates milestone of 10,000 lies told (It's called Morning Woody)

The White House celebrated the National Day of Prayer today with a Christian band performing worship songs in the Rose Garden. And it's nice to know that every once in a while Trump’s suffering, too. --Seth Meyers

Researchers in England have discovered trace amounts of cocaine in several samples of freshwater shrimp. Apparently the shrimp got the cocaine from a blowfish. --Seth Meyers

An elderly couple in Australia yesterday mistakenly signed for a package containing 44 pounds of methamphetamine. Said the couple, "Yeah...mistakenly." --Seth Meyers

And finally, Kellogg's has released a Toy Story-themed breakfast cereal. It's called Morning Woody. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

has the potential to kill more wildlife than a Sarah Palin hunting trip (No one knows. It has never happened)

"Anybody from the Gulf of Mexico area? It's going to be the biggest ecological disaster on the history of the planet. And today, a tourist thought they saw a blowfish in the Gulf of Mexico. Turned out to be a flounder holding its breath." –David Letterman

"The Iranian dictator, Ahmadinejad, is in town. So for one day, Mayor Bloomberg is not the shortest dictator in New York." –David Letterman

"But they say the oil spill has the potential to kill more wildlife than a Sarah Palin hunting trip." –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

If I wanted to drink something that makes me grow a vagina, I'd order a wine cooler (supersizing Ash Wednesday)

"New Rule: Since the Icelandic volcano obviously needs a virgin sacrifice and the Catholic Church obviously needs new leadership the Pope must volunteer to jump in the volcano. Pontiff, don't think of it as endorsing paganism, think of it as supersizing Ash Wednesday." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: If the water in your river makes the male fish grow vaginas, stay thirsty. 90% of Washington D.C.'s drinking water comes from the Potomac, a river so polluted with hormones it makes fish change sex. If I wanted to drink something that makes me grow a vagina, I'd order a wine cooler." –Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Trump giving thumbs-up with headline “404 Error” (pyramid for success)

Remember a few weeks back when President Trump announced that he was going to reveal the winners of his fake news awards? He said that they would be awards for the most corrupt and biased reporting. Well, tonight was the day, and he finally announced them. When we went to watch the awards, the website immediately crashed. This is what most people saw when they went to the page [screenshot of Trump giving thumbs-up with headline “404 Error”]. Is that the website for the fake news awards or the current website for the United States of America? Only Trump would put a picture of himself giving a thumbs-up next to the message that says “Error.” --James Corden

It was no surprise an award was given to CNN. They won for falsely reporting that Trump overfed fish on his trip to Japan. Glad he cleared that up, because that’s the crisis in Asia looming on the horizon that everyone is worried about. Not nuclear missiles — bloated koi fish. --James Corden

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html