Flabby, Grabby and Stabby (diaper testing facility)

Donald Trump also had his second physical examination as president. Close call, during the rectal exam, this is serious, doctors thought they found something serious up there. Turns out it was just Sean Hannity. --Bill Maher

I hope everybody gets back to work. You know air traffic controllers, TSA agents, Coast Guard, Border Patrol. They're all working without pay, or what Trump calls running a business. --Bill Maher

Alan Dershowitz is one of the lawyers defending Trump at his impeachment trial. Dershowitz also defended Harvey Weinstein, O.J. Simpson and now Trump. Wow, think about that. Weinstein, O.J. and Trump. Flabby, Grabby and Stabby. —Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The bad news is that they're capturing it with ducks (Still not the clumsiest attempt to get to second base)

Tonight was game three between the Mets and Dodgers right here at CitiField! But the big story is from Saturday, when Dodgers player Chase Utley slid into second base and injured Rubén Tejada from the Mets. Or as my prom date called it, “Still not the clumsiest attempt to get to second base.” –Jimmy Fallon

"Here's a little bit of good news. The Coast Guard says that BP is now catching up to 630,000 gallons of oil a day. The bad news is that they're capturing it with ducks." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's our job to do the exact opposite (Larry Kudlow’s beach bash has been cancelled)

In fiscal year 2025, the Coast Guard seized half a million pounds of cocaine. In related news, Larry Kudlow’s beach bash has been cancelled. —Greg Gutfeld

On Sunday, Bill Clinton attended the New York City Marathon to cheer his daughter, Chelsea. Bill supported the female runners by chasing them for the last four miles. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Lawmakers in Jamaica are considering a bill to legalize marijuana (The bad news is that they're capturing it with ducks)

"Lawmakers in Jamaica are now considering a bill that would legalize marijuana. Let me repeat myself: Lawmakers in Jamaica are considering a bill to legalize marijuana. In related news, lawmakers in Italy are considering a bill to legalize spaghetti, and lawmakers in Ireland are considering a bill to legalize whiskey." –Jimmy Fallon

"Here's a little bit of good news. The Coast Guard says that BP is now catching up to 630,000 gallons of oil a day. The bad news is that they're capturing it with ducks." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

a gold watch that stopped working years ago (they're capturing it with ducks)

"Yesterday, the Senate floor was reserved for farewell speeches from retiring senators. Each senator received a fitting gift: a gold watch that stopped working years ago." –Jimmy Fallon

"Here's a little bit of good news. The Coast Guard says that BP is now catching up to 630,000 gallons of oil a day. The bad news is that they're capturing it with ducks." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The bad news is that they're capturing it with ducks (The man says he's excited to spend the entire year drunk)

A man in London just took Uber's one-billionth ride, and to celebrate, Uber gave him a year's worth of free rides. The man says he's excited to spend the entire year drunk. –Jimmy Fallon

"Here's a little bit of good news. The Coast Guard says that BP is now catching up to 630,000 gallons of oil a day. The bad news is that they're capturing it with ducks." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Sorry, but the Cheesecake Factory is way ahead of you (I like it...I like it)

“The point is at this time of national peril, we all have to do our part. And by do, I mean don’t. We all have to don’t our part. And there’s no country in the world more prepared for that than the USA. Turns out Americans weren’t lazy couch potatoes this whole time – all that sitting on our asses and watching TV was actually training to save the world.” —Stephen Colbert

Last night, we found out that the FBI has arrested a Coast Guard officer who was planning a rampage against democrats and journalists. When they raided his apartment they found a huge cache of ammunition and weapons. The officer in question, Christopher P. Hasson, once wrote in a letter, “I am a long time white nationalist, having been a skinhead 30 plus years.”  30 years? That is a long time. He is close to skinhead retirement. Soon he can cash in his 401KKK. In one letter Hasson wrote, “I am dreaming of a way to kill almost every last person on earth.” Sorry, but the Cheesecake Factory is way ahead of you. --Stephen Colbert

“Donald Trump’s not the only leader handling this crisis poorly, Colbert continued; the New York City mayor, Bill de Blasio, went to his local YMCA to work out on Monday morning, to much social media ridicule. Come on, Mr Mayor. Don’t you know that during an epidemic, it’s fun to stay at your H-O-M-E, Colbert said, to the tune of Y.M.C.A. Cause if you don’t, we’ll be D.E.A.D.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Yeah, that sounds like me. Good thinking (The bad news is that they're capturing it with ducks)

The co-founder of Home Depot recently announced that he is supporting Donald Trump. He wasn't planning to, but when your colors are orange and white, you kind of have to go with Donald. –Jimmy Fallon

James Comey said that he kept memos of his meetings with Trump because he felt that the president may lie about them. Even Trump was like, “Yeah, that sounds like me. Good thinking.” –Jimmy Fallon

"Here's a little bit of good news. The Coast Guard says that BP is now catching up to 630,000 gallons of oil a day. The bad news is that they're capturing it with ducks." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Even Trump was like, “Yeah, that sounds like me. Good thinking.” (We need new cheers)

"Here's a little bit of good news. The Coast Guard says that BP is now catching up to 630,000 gallons of oil a day. The bad news is that they're capturing it with ducks." –Jimmy Fallon

FBI Director James Comey said that he kept memos of his meetings with Trump because he felt that the president may lie about them. Even Trump was like, “Yeah, that sounds like me. Good thinking.” –Jimmy Fallon

"Lawmakers in Jamaica are now considering a bill that would legalize marijuana. Let me repeat myself: Lawmakers in Jamaica are considering a bill to legalize marijuana. In related news, lawmakers in Italy are considering a bill to legalize spaghetti, and lawmakers in Ireland are considering a bill to legalize whiskey." –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Even worse, he’s going to make New Mexico pay for it (naval bases in Idaho)

“That’s right, a border wall in Colorado. Once they’re done with that, they’re building a naval base in Idaho.” --Stephen Colbert

“Then Trump announced our Coast Guard would be patrolling the ports of Nebraska, so that’s good.” --Jimmy Fallon

“Even worse, he’s going to make New Mexico pay for it.” --James Corden

“Now as a fellow comedian, I get what he’s doing here. Before you tell a joke, it’s very important to kick off the joke by saying ‘kiddingly.’” --Stephen Colbert

“Meanwhile, today at the White House, Trump participated in a ceremony in honor of the Hindu holiday Diwali. Things got off to a rough start when Trump told everyone, ‘We’re going to build Diwali in Colorado.’” --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Hmmm, I want to get a little drunk, but I also want pancakes (pulled over by the Coast Guard)

There's a lot of beautiful women in this town. Man it's hard to meet women because they're always looking for men that don’t exist. You always want opposites. A woman told me she wanted an outdoorsy guy who's hilarious. But if you combine the two you would not like it. Rodeo Clown. Other girls are like, I just want a nice guy who will give and give and give and not want sex in return. I actually know this guy. His name is grandpa. --Dave Attell

There's only one drink I hate. Eggnog. How the heck did they think that one up?  Hmmm, I want to get a little drunk, but I also want pancakes. --Dave Attell

Drinking and driving. A lot of people say it’s wrong and I call these people the cops. Sometimes you have no choice. Hey, these kids have got to get to school. --Dave Attell

I’m not proud of this but I have been pulled over for drunk driving. I was really drunk. You know you are really drunk when you get pulled over by the Coast Guard.  --Dave Attell

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Just because you're invisible to mirrors... (disappearing faster than R. Kelley's Facebook friends)

They send Rudy Giuliani out there to go I never said Trump's campaign didn't collude. Yes you did. You said it dozens of times. It's on video. Just because you're invisible to mirrors doesn't mean you don't show up in cameras. --Bill Maher

I hope everybody gets back to work. You know air traffic controllers, TSA agents, Coast Guard, Border Patrol. They're all working without pay, or what Trump calls running a business. --Bill Maher

Someone has to explain if our economy is doing so great how come everyone is broke. To me that’s the real lesson of this government shutdown. We found out that federal workers, quintessential middle class jobs, can't afford to miss one paycheck. I guess this is what Fox News means by getting tired of winning. When did it get this desperate. One day you're a lineman for the county, you miss a payday and you're Ratso Rizzo making coffee in a saucepan. This shutdown is not about the wall it's about the wallet, and it's more proof that the great American middle class is disappearing faster than R. Kelley's Facebook friends. --Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

She loved too much (the Pentagon has been downgraded to a square)

The New York Times reported that the FBI investigated Donald Trump because they thought he might be a secret Russian spy, which I'm sorry is just crazy and not because he wouldn't do it. But because Donald Trump would be the world's worst spy, no one would hire him. He can't be a spy, he doesn't even have an inside voice. Spies are known for blending in. If there's one thing Trump doesn't do is blend in. Red tie, orange skin, blond hair. The the only place Trump is blending in is in a jar of Starburst. --Trevor Noah, The Daily Show

The longest government shutdown in American history is still going. It is now day 26 and the effects continue to pile up the Coast Guard isn't getting paid, imports aren't getting through customs and things have gotten so desperate that the Pentagon has been downgraded to a square. --Trevor Noah, The Daily Show

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

The bad news is that they're capturing it with ducks (Or, as most people would call it..)

"Did you hear about this? In Afghanistan, the U.S. has discovered large deposits of iron, copper, cobalt, gold, and lithium. Or, as most people would call it, 'not Osama bin Laden.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Here's a little bit of good news. The Coast Guard says that BP is now catching up to 630,000 gallons of oil a day. The bad news is that they're capturing it with ducks." –Jimmy Fallon

"I'm not going to do any jokes about oil spill-related news, because I thought it might be nice to just pretend for a few minutes that the oil spill isn't happening. You know, kind of like BP does." –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

JOKES: Bush Holiday Torture Songs (laser-sighted manatees)

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Day 3 of “Healthcare Plan 2: Repeal and Revenge — This Time It’s Republican.” It took the GOP forever to release this thing. They’re the George R.R. Martins of health care. And just like in “Game of Thrones,” a lot of your favorite characters are going to die without warning. –Stephen Colbert

But when it comes to cutbacks, “the Coast Guard would bear the brunt, seeing its budget cut by $1.3 billion.” The Coast Guard? Who does Trump think protects the waters around Mar-a-Lago, laser-sighted manatees? –Stephen Colbert

Trump’s paying for his immigration program by cutting funds to the Coast Guard, airport and rail security. Great. So, we’re fine as long as nobody tries to get into America by sea, air, or land. –Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html