Because he's paying us alimony (Timmy)

Despite all of his sexist comments, 20 percent of Republican women still support Donald Trump. When asked why, the women said, "Because he's paying us alimony." –Conan O’Brien

A new study claims that first grade students are getting three times more homework than they should be doing. This is coming from the lead researcher, "Timmy." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Even sadder, he already had a son named Trevor (Did he practice on himself?)

An Australian man is making headlines after he started treating an abandoned shopping cart as his son, naming it Trevor and giving it a pair of sneakers. Even sadder, he already had a son named Trevor. –Seth Meyers

Housing secretary Ben Carson was mocked on social media yesterday for mistaking the phrase REO, meaning "real estate owned," for the cookie Oreo. I mean, how did that guy become a brain surgeon? Did he practice on himself? --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he'll break open and spill out candy (our warm up spill)

"Chris Christie is getting a lot of support from New Jersey's Hispanic community. Some Hispanics like his moderate conservatism while others believe if you hit him he'll break open and spill out candy." –Conan O'Brien

"BP has been fined $25 million for causing an oil spill in Alaska five years ago. Or as BP refers to it, 'our warm up spill.'" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And, ultimately, history (down from their current level of infinite)

It all started this morning, when NBC News reported that over the summer, Secretary of State Rex Tillerson openly disparaged Trump by referring to him as a "moron" after a meeting at the Pentagon. Hold on there, Rex! Nobody calls our president a moron except me! And other world leaders. And, ultimately, history. –Stephen Colbert

The president of China announced an agreement today aimed at limiting greenhouse gas emissions. Yes, China is limiting their greenhouse gas emissions, bringing them down from their current level of "infinite." –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Remember, if your redwood lasts more than 2,000 years, call your lumberjack! (So, good news for Mrs. Heat Wave)

The National Parks Service is so desperate for cash that they just announced that, for the first time, they are going to solicit corporate sponsorship. Pretty soon, those sequoias could be brought to you by Viagra. Remember, if your redwood lasts more than 2,000 years, call your lumberjack! –Stephen Colbert

“Scientists warn heat waves will be longer, more intense and more frequent. So, good news for Mrs. Heat Wave.” — Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the same temperature as a Florida golf course (or my name isn't Malt Ramrod)

"Last Friday CNN had its worst 10 p.m. ratings of all time, with only 35,000 viewers tuning in. I left it on for my dog, and when I came back, she was reading a newspaper." –Jimmy Fallon

"Speaking of Mitt Romney, his campaign is in the news for misspelling several words on his promotional items. Today, Romney issued a press release that said, 'I'll get to the bottom of this, or my name isn't Malt Ramrod.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Last week, President Trump announced the United States will withdraw from the Paris climate agreement. Trump said he wants the entire country to be the same temperature as a Florida golf course. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He was going to include a painting of bin Laden, but he couldn't find it (Wait, he gives massages too?)

"George W. Bush will open an art exhibit at his presidential library that will feature portraits he painted of various world leaders. He was going to include a painting of bin Laden, but he couldn't find it." –Jimmy Fallon

Speaking of Putin, Hillary Clinton just called the Russian president a world-class misogynist. When Trump heard that, he was like, "Wait, he gives massages too?" --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

a gold watch that stopped working years ago (they're capturing it with ducks)

"Yesterday, the Senate floor was reserved for farewell speeches from retiring senators. Each senator received a fitting gift: a gold watch that stopped working years ago." –Jimmy Fallon

"Here's a little bit of good news. The Coast Guard says that BP is now catching up to 630,000 gallons of oil a day. The bad news is that they're capturing it with ducks." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’ll pay taxes over my dead body (they're complicit)

“You have to marvel at the pettiness of Donald Trump, who last month had his ex-wife Ivana Trump buried near the first hole of Trump National Golf Club in Bedminster, New Jersey, probably for a tax break. The strange burial site would exempt the golf course from New Jersey’s tax code, which does not tax land used as a cemetery. Wow. A lot of people say, ‘I’ll pay taxes over my dead body,’ but Trump means it. Over someone else’s body.” —Trevor Noah

“There was another outrageous supreme court ruling this week: the 6-3 decision in West Virginia v EPA, which limits the Environmental Protection Agency’s power to regulate emissions from fossil fuel-fired power plants. The supreme court ruled that the Environmental Protection Agency does not have the authority to protect the environment…? So what is their job now? Just to look at the environment and be like ‘oh shit’?” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

How did Arnold Schwarzenegger get onto that ship? (after years of touching Canada)

In "Extant" Halle Berry plays an astronaut who mysteriously winds up pregnant after a space mission. The series will answer the question: How did Arnold Schwarzenegger get onto that ship?—Craig Ferguson

 "Maine legalized gay marriage today. Maine became comfortable with the idea after years of touching Canada." --Craig Ferguson, May 2009

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Thank God this coup wasn’t planned by people who could solve the Wordle (Even Scooby-Doo villains know not to write it down)

December 2022

“More details about the lead-up to the January 6th attack on the Capitol have surfaced. It’s even crazier than the crazy we previously thought was so crazy. Turns out the calls were coming from inside the House, and the Senate. According to new reports, the then White House chief of staff, Mark Meadows, texted with 34 Republicans lawmakers in the days before January 6th, exchanging ideas and suggestions for how they could overturn the election and keep Trump in office. It’s like a gang of Batman’s dumbest enemies. One such lawmaker was the South Carolina Republican Ralph Norman, who texted Meadows three days before the attempted coup that ‘our LAST HOPE is invoking Marshall Law!!’ If Marshall Law doesn’t work, we’ll mobilize the TJ Maxxinistas! Thank God this coup wasn’t planned by people who could solve the Wordle.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“The texts go a long way toward explaining why these low-lifes have been so quiet about all this. It wasn’t just Trump. He had dozens of enablers, and a lot of them are still in Congress. We had people who tried to overthrow the government in the government right now, and I continue to be blown away by how dumb they are. Even Scooby-Doo villains know not to write it down.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Environmental Punch-Dolphins-in-the-Taint Agency (an unspeakably perfect miracle)

June 2022

“The Supreme Court held the last session of its term on Thursday and announced yet another controversial decision. This time, the court ruled to limit the Environmental Protection Agency’s ability to regulate carbon emissions from power plants. These court rulings have been a real roller-coaster ride, in that I am nauseous and scared we’re all going to die.” —Stephen Colbert

“Today was the final day of the Supreme Court’s current term and I gotta say, thank god. This must be how the Jets feel when halftime finally arrives: [imitating a Jets player] ‘Well, at least we get 15 minutes when they can’t kick our [expletive]!’” —Seth Meyers

“What are you thinking, Supreme Court? It’s the Environmental Protection Agency — if they can’t limit the emissions, then the agency can’t protect the environment. They’re going to have to change what the ‘P’ stands for — maybe ‘Environmental Punch-Dolphins-in-the-Taint Agency.’” —Stephen Colbert

“With these maniacs in charge, our only hope is that the smokestacks put on a condom.” —Stephen Colbert

“There was another outrageous supreme court ruling this week: the 6-3 decision in West Virginia v EPA, which limits the Environmental Protection Agency’s power to regulate emissions from fossil fuel-fired power plants. The supreme court ruled that Environmental Protection Agency does not have the authority to protect the environment…? So what is their job now? Just to look at the environment and be like ‘oh shit’?” —Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

JOKES: like a roller coaster, at the end we were all right back where we started, and feeling a little queasy

Last night at around 7:30, our friend Rachel Maddow unleashed a Force 5 tweet-icon with: “We’ve got Trump tax returns. Tonight, 9 p.m., MSNBC. Seriously.” So important for news networks to add “seriously” to any announcement, so the audience knows you’re not pranking them. –Stephen Colbert

We all watched the Twitter feed. And when 9 p.m. came, Rachel took us on an emotional roller coaster — because, like a roller coaster, at the end we were all right back where we started, and feeling a little queasy. –Stephen Colbert

First, she let us know just how much information she had. Then after 20 minutes of explaining what taxes are and who Donald Trump is, Maddow was ready show us the tax return. “We’ll go through it next.” What! A cliffhanger? Is this news or a reality show? I don’t want to watch “America’s Got 1040s.” –Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

This is the biggest setback for the Bush administration, well, all day (strip-mining her family)

"Gale Norton, the woman who has been our secretary of the interior for the last five years, the one guarding our environment, you know, she's stepping down. She says she wants to spend more time strip-mining her family."--Bill Maher

"To get even with us, the United Arab Emirates is talking about not buying any American made products. Looks like we got them there too. We don't make any products in America anymore." --Jay Leno

"Dubai announced they will sell ownership of the six American ports to another investor. The bad news: It's Iran. This is the biggest setback for the Bush administration, well, all day." --Jay Leno

Bush is saving up the personal days (talking while drunk)

"President Bush is beating the August heat the same way he always does -- with a vacation on his ranch in Texas. He got there yesterday. This will be his shortest vacation since he's taken office. Usually he takes a full month, this time around because of the wars and everything, only ten days. I guess he's saving up the personal days so he can skip the last three months of his presidency." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Earlier today President Bush made a speech about immigration at the border between Texas and Mexico. There was an awkward moment when an illegal immigrant interrupted Bush and said can you give me directions to Dallas?" --Conan O'Brien

"You know what is really ironic about this? Mel Gibson may be the first guy in history to be in more trouble for talking while drunk then driving while drunk." --Jay Leno

Just plead ignorance. You can prove that. (the guy from the pennies)

"This is the latest: While on vacation, President Bush, I guess this was in the paper today, reportedly is reading a book about Abraham Lincoln or as President Bush calls him: the guy from the pennies." --Conan O'Brien

"As you know, when President Bush is down on his ranch, he likes to spend his time clearing brush and chopping wood, because no matter how much legislation you pass to cut down trees, there's nothing like destroying them with your own hands." --Jay Leno

"I don't want to say that President Bush's approval rating is low but the Republican party has a special offer now for any donor who paid $10K in the past to have their picture taken with President Bush. Now for $20K they'll destroy the picture." --Jay Leno

The other 22% burst into flames

"Women serving in the United States military will now be serving in combat. Finally there will be somebody in the tank who will stop and ask for directions." –David Letterman



"A new poll found 78% of respondents believed the planet had warmed over the past 100 years. The other 22% burst into flames." –Stephen Colbert

"The Dow hit 14,000. It hasn't been that high since 2007, heading toward an all-time high. Just think of how big it would be if Obama wasn't such a socialist." –Bill Maher