If your dad offers you a million dollars, say yes (totally freaked out by Rick Santorum)

“According to exit polls, Mitt Romney is struggling with voters who call themselves very conservative. However, Mitt is doing great with voters who describe themselves as being 'totally freaked out by Rick Santorum.'” –Conan O’Brien

This weekend, Kim Kardashian posted a naked selfie, and yesterday, Sharon Osbourne got inspired and posted a naked selfie. That explains why today, authorities shut down Barbara Walters' internet service. –Conan O’Brien

At the White House today, President Trump gave advice to a group of schoolchildren and he told them to “work hard.” Trump also told them, “If your dad offers you a million dollars, say yes.” –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

you'll be able to see everything, except what the hell your teenage daughter's up to (Sorry. Sorry for that image)

"This morning, John McCain, I don't know if you saw this, he appeared as a guest on 'The View.' Did you see that? Yeah, there was kind of an awkward moment when McCain looked at Barbara Walters, he looked at her up and down and said, 'Man, if I was 20 years younger...' Sorry. Sorry for that image." --Conan O'Brien

"This is weird. A new book that is coming out claims that Osama bin laden is a huge Whitney Houston fan. Experts say that helps explain why bin Laden's latest video repeatedly calls for 'death to Bobby Brown.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Experts say -- this is interesting -- that since Sarah Palin became the vice presidential nominee, there's been an actual spike in the sales of her style of eyeglasses. Gone way up. Yeah. Yeah, with Palin's glasses, you'll be able to see everything, except what the hell your teenage daughter's up to." --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

which is officially the smallest amount of money ever stolen by a Republican (rule of thumb)

 

"I don't know if anything happened or not, but I think the rule of thumb should be every year you're in a Vietnamese prison camp, you should be allowed one extramarital affair." –Jimmy Kimmel

Barack Obama was on 'The View' this morning. I guess they are still trying to find somebody to fill the Rosie spot. The ladies of 'The View' were absolutely giddy to have him there. You know, he's related to Brad Pitt. They loved him so much, it almost got uncomfortable [on screen: Barbara Walters telling Obama they find him sexy]. I haven't seen Barbara so smitten with a candidate since a young Warren G. Harding hit the scene back in 1919." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Tough day for the Bush administration. A guy named Claude Allen has been arrested and charged in Maryland with swindling Target and some other department stores out of refunds. He allegedly made off without about $5000 or so which is officially the smallest amount of money ever stolen by a Republican." --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Apparently, the first thing they taught her was CPR (so committed to marriage, he can't stop doing it)

"Another Republican is about to announce he is running for president. Newt Gingrich is about to announce. Some people say Newt Gingrich may have trouble winning over traditional values voters because he has had three marriages. So as a result, the campaign has announced a new slogan, 'Newt Gingrich, so committed to marriage, he can't stop doing it.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, the president of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, challenged John McCain to a debate. Did you know that? Yeah. McCain says if he wanted to be attacked by an extremist in an unfair environment, he'd appear on MSNBC. That's the way to do it in this country." --Conan O'Brien

 

Sarah Palin's been spending the last couple of days being briefed by advisers on what she needs to know to be John McCain's vice president. That's true. Yeah. Apparently, the first thing they taught her was CPR." --Conan O'Brien

 

"This morning, John McCain, I don't know if you saw this, he appeared as a guest on 'The View.' Did you see that? Yeah, there was kind of an awkward moment when McCain looked at Barbara Walters, he looked at her up and down and said, 'Man, if I was 20 years younger...' Sorry. Sorry for that image." --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

She asked that exact same question when she interviewed William Howard Taft (1% Republican)

December 2012

"The Golden Globe nominations were announced yesterday morning, and 'Lincoln' got seven nominations. Finally, a Republican who might win something." –Jay Leno

"On Wednesday night, Barbara Walters asked Governor Chris Christie if he was too fat to be president. A lot of people are criticizing Barbara for asking that question. But in fairness, Barbara asked that exact same question when she interviewed William Howard Taft." –Jay Leno

"Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke said a failure to reach a deal for the fiscal cliff will hurt the recovery. The good news is most Americans will not be affected by this because they had no idea there WAS a recovery." –Jay Leno

"The U.S. Census Bureau says that by the year 2043, white people will be in the minority in the United States. By that time, the country will be 15 percent black, 31 percent Hispanic, and 1 percent Republican." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Each senator received a fitting gift: a gold watch that stopped working years ago (Hey, I'm not doing anything)

December 2012

"Barbara Walters' 'Ten Most Fascinating People' show was on last night. Number one was General Petraeus. I think if this guy was a little less fascinating he would probably still have his job." –David Letterman

"The North Koreans are always making trouble. They launched a rocket there over the weekend. It was scary when they fired that rocket. It flew right over my vacation home in Pyongyang." –David Letterman

"The satellite that North Korea launched on Tuesday is apparently unstable, and could collide with several American satellites. Or as North Korea calls that, 'The point.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"HBO is planning a new movie similar to 'Game Change,' but based on the 2012 election. The network said they're not sure who will play Mitt Romney — then Mitt Romney said, 'Hey, I'm not doing anything.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday, the Senate floor was reserved for farewell speeches from retiring senators. Each senator received a fitting gift: a gold watch that stopped working years ago." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And by loved ones, I mean... (the truth about Lady Gaga)

"I'm sure everyone is already missing their loved ones. And by loved ones, I mean the TSA guys that give you the pat-down." –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama needed 12 stitches after taking an elbow to the mouth during a basketball game, but he learned a valuable lesson: Don't get in the way of Hillary's tomahawk jab." –Craig Ferguson 

"WikiLeaks is a website that gets a hold of classified information and releases it to the public. They get all kinds of top secret stuff: White House memos, government e-mails, the truth about Lady Gaga.” –Craig Ferguson

"The name 'WikiLeaks' doesn't sound like espionage. It sounds like Barbara Walters interviewing Ricky Martin." –Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”  

She's already started writing her inaugural address on her hand (Thank god for Washington, D.C.)

"At the opening of the Bush Presidential Center in Texas, Dick Cheney joked that the center is the only shovel-ready project in America. What about that Dick Cheney taking a buddy hunting? That could be another shovel-ready project." –Jay Leno

"In an upcoming interview with Barbara Walters, Sarah Palin says she believes she can beat Obama in 2012. The way things are going right now, Bristol Palin could beat Obama in 2012." –Jay Leno

"I'll tell you how confident Sarah Palin is. She's already started writing her inaugural address on her hand." –Jay Leno

"In a ranking of 35 cities, by Travel and Leisure magazine -- Los Angeles finished second to last in intelligence. All I can say, thank god for Washington, D.C. Thank god for Washington, D.C." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

It doesn't mean that politics won't take an interest in you (He is a miracle worker)

Monday night we had Dr. Phil on the show. You guys know, Dr. Phil? I’ve been making fun of the guy for half a year, never paying any attention to him. I just thought he was a guy with a show. Actually, he’s an amazing man. And thank God because I talked with him and I've been working with him ever since. And finally I'm beginning to cut down on the phone sex. He is a miracle worker. --David Letterman 2/19/2003

You folks know anything about this Robert Blake situation? Are you aware what's going on? Robert Blake has taped an interview with Barbara Walters against the advice of his lawyers. And I thought he murdered his wife against the advice of his lawyers. It’s the same thing. --David Letterman 2/19/2003

Boy you got to feel bad for President Bush. He’s he's really fed up with the UN's foot-dragging. You know he's really he's really had it, because he's very frustrated. He wants to attack Iraq and wipe them out before his one-term presidency is up. --David Letterman 2/19/2003

This is funny I love when stuff like this happens. Because of the blizzard, Regis Philbin could not get in to work to do a show. Regis couldn't figure out a way to get to work because of the blizzard and the producers panicked, and I'm thinking oh sure where are you going to find a guy who can sip coffee and chat. You’re pretty much screwed. --David Letterman 2/19/2003

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Elmhurst, Illinois is going to outlaw eye-rolling (then it goes right back to Jay Leno's garage)

"Elmhurst, Illinois is going to outlaw eye-rolling. So what happens if John McCain shows up and says he still thinks he made the right choice with Sarah Palin?" –David Letterman

"BP CEO Tony Hayward is being sent to a project in Siberia. He wants to go to a part of the planet that hasn't been ruined yet." –David Letterman

"King Tut's chariot is in New York City for two weeks, then it goes right back to Jay Leno's garage." –David Letterman

"King Tut used the chariot on his first date with Barbara Walters." –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Here's how much they pay their CEO's (now it's just part of the job)

"Oh, you know what happened on this day in 1973? Richard Nixon uttered his famous line, 'I am not a crook.' That's back when being a crook could actually hurt a politician's career. See, now it's just part of the job." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin admitted she once got a D in a college course. I looked it up. I think the course was called 'Being Vice President.'" –David Letterman

"It's a great day for America and a great day for one of our loveliest Americans, Sarah Palin. Her long-awaited book, 'Going Rogue,' hit bookstores today. Last night, Sarah did a tell-all interview with Barbara Walters. I watched, but I couldn't understand what either one was saying. 'Did you cwy when you wost the election?' 'You betcha.'" –Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

She was very instrumental in helping to elect William Howard Taft (7/11 commandment)

"Hillary Clinton was on 'The View' the other day. She was asking Barbara Walters for advice. A lot of people might not know this, but Barbara Walters was very instrumental in helping to elect William Howard Taft." --Jay Leno

"Republican frontrunner Rudy Giuliani  says he's going to try to follow Ronald Reagan's 11th commandment that a Republican should never attack another Republican. Let's hope Rudy has better luck with the 11th commandment than he did with the 7th commandment." --Jay Leno

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

I like your style (Sorry for that image...)

"This morning, John McCain, I don't know if you saw this, he appeared as a guest on 'The View.' Did you see that? Yeah, there was kind of an awkward moment when McCain looked at Barbara Walters, he looked at her up and down and said, 'Man, if I was 20 years younger...' Sorry. Sorry for that image." --Conan O'Brien

"Sarah Palin, in case you don't know, had her first real interview as vice presidential nominee last night. Charlie Gibson sat down and asked some very good, some tough questions. McCain people said they were happy with the interview and they may let her do another one, maybe in a month or two." --Jimmy Kimmel



"Sarah Palin is very, very popular. She is on the cover of pretty much every magazine, except 'Oprah.' But one person who is not a fan is Matt Damon [on screen: Damon saying he wants to ask Palin if she believes dinosaurs were around 4,000 years ago. He also mentions she would have the nuclear codes if she were to become president]. Not a bad thing to wonder about. If you think about it, Sarah Palin is like his character from 'The Bourne Identity.' She came from out of nowhere, nobody knows about her, and they both kill everything in sight." --Jimmy Kimmel



http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern @justicedems @BrandNew535 #Bernie2020

an awkward moment when Bush called Simba his favorite African leader (It starts with mom)

"Everybody is trying to find out more about Sarah Palin. Everybody is trying to find out who she is. This is the latest. This week, true story, someone was able to hack into Sarah Palin's Yahoo! email account because she hadn't taken the proper security measures. Yeah. So, folks, it's official. No one in the Palin family uses protection. This is a problem. It starts with mom." --Conan O'Brien

"John McCain's wife, Cindy, is angry. She lashed out at the ladies of 'The View' after the McCains appeared on the show. The McCains were on the show and then Cindy McCain is mad now. In response, Barbara Walters said, 'She's just mad because I dated her husband during the Civil War.'" --Conan O'Brien



"President Bush is keeping busy. Yesterday in Washington, President Bush met with the cast of the Broadway musical, 'The Lion King.' This country is going down the toilet and he's meeting with them. No, he did. He met with the cast of 'The Lion King,' yeah. Yeah, there was an awkward moment when Bush called Simba his favorite African leader." --Conan O'Brien



http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

Do Not Resuscitate (Sorry. Sorry for that image)

"And according to the Associated Press, this article was in the paper today. Sarah Palin's church in Alaska is promoting a conference that promises to convert gays into heterosexuals through the power of prayer. They call it 'Pray away the gay.' I'm not making it up. That's the name of it. That's the name of the sermon, 'pray away the gay.' Hey, it's a lot better than the original title, 'think outside the box.'" --Jay Leno 



"Now the latest political commercial by Barack Obama, I don't know if you've seen it, it attempts to portray John McCain as being unfamiliar with technology. Yeah. McCain was outraged, and he responded in an email, or as McCain calls it, a computer letter from the future. He doesn't know how it works."  --Conan O'Brien



"This morning, John McCain, I don't know if you saw this, he appeared as a guest on 'The View.' Did you see that? Yeah, there was kind of an awkward moment when McCain looked at Barbara Walters, he looked at her up and down and said, 'Man, if I was 20 years younger...' Sorry. Sorry for that image." --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

Indianapolis airport baggage carousel incident (Obama bowled sober)

"Barack Obama was on 'The View' this morning. I guess they are still trying to find somebody to fill the Rosie spot. The ladies of 'The View' were absolutely giddy to have him there. You know, he's related to Brad Pitt. They loved him so much, it almost got uncomfortable [on screen: Barbara Walters telling Obama they find him sexy]. I haven't seen Barbara so smitten with a candidate since a young Warren G. Harding hit the scene back in 1919." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton was in Indiana trying to get more people there to like her. She claims to have taken some incoming sniper fire at the Indianapolis airport baggage carousel, but other than that, they say the trip went very well." --Jimmy Kimmel

"But, see, I tell you - you know what's interesting? He's not a bowler, obviously. And Barack Obama made the typical mistake a lot of rookie bowlers make. He bowled sober. See, you never do that." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

Dick Cheney isn't the only Republican who's locked and loaded (X-ray vision)

"Man, it is hot. It was so hot today Star Jones called Barbara Walters just for the cold shoulder." --David Letterman

"Last weekend Rush Limbaugh was arrested at an airport because he had illegal Viagra. So apparently, Dick Cheney isn't the only Republican who's locked and loaded." --David Letterman

"This week President Bush urged the Senate to give him line item veto power. Later the president said that line item veto power would be nice, but what he really wants is X-ray vision." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush is criticizing the New York Times for revealing how we track terrorists' money. He's also criticized the Times for not having the funny pages." --David Letterman

The whole thing about destroying the West? That includes us.

"William O'Reilly, a gentleman who has his own program on uh, uh, I think it's YouTube, mentioned in an interview with Barbara Walters, who actually died seven years ago, that he is on al Qaeda's hit list. Bill, certainly I don't want to burst your bubble. I don't want to jump in on this clearly, very exclusive place you hold in American society. I don't know if you've seen the al Qaeda tapes, but we're kind of all on the hit list. The whole thing about destroying the West? That includes us." --Jon Stewart

"The situation might be improving in Dhi Qar, but conditions continue to deteriorate in the capital of Bagdad. So with sectarian violence spreading, U.S. forces have approved an Iraq plan to protect Baghdad by digging trenches around the entire city, completely protecting Baghdad from World War I era soldiers." --Jon Stewart

"During his controversial speech yesterday, the president of Venezuela said the room still smelled from President Bush being there the day before. Later someone pointed out, that's just the wind from New Jersey." --Conan O'Brien

Uncle Sam Wants You ... Bad

"This week, the U.S. Army removed several recruiting ads from a web site because the web site targets homosexual men. The ad said, 'Uncle Sam Wants You ... Bad.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush met with the Dalai Lama yesterday. It was a good meeting. The Dalai Lama taught President Bush how to meditate, and President Bush taught the Dalai Lama how to just nod off at meetings." --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton was on 'The View' the other day. She was asking Barbara Walters for advice. A lot of people might not know this, but Barbara Walters was very instrumental in helping to elect William Howard Taft." --Jay Leno

"Republican frontrunner  Rudy Giuliani  says he's going to try to follow Ronald Reagan's 11th commandment that a Republican should never attack another Republican. Let's hope he has better luck with the 11th commandment than he did with the 7th commandment." --Jay Leno