"Women serving in the United States military will now be serving in combat. Finally there will be somebody in the tank who will stop and ask for directions." –David Letterman
"The good news is that Hosni Mubarak may step down. The bad news is that he may be replaced by his idiot son Hosni W. Mubarak." –David Letterman
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
"Kind of a sad study out today that single women over the age of 35 are more likely to be shot by the vice president Dick Cheney than to find a husband." --Jimmy Kimmel
"The Chinese government claims that it has the smog that Beijing is ‘notorious for being under control’, but here's how bad it really is. They say if Snoop Dogg rolled down the window of his limo, smoke would pour in." --Jimmy Kimmel
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
"Mitt Romney threw in the monogrammed towel. That leaves McCain and Huckabee. The old guy and the preacher. Which brings up the philosophical question: Which one is closer to God?" --Jay Leno
"President Bush arrived in Beijing earlier today. Again, I don't think he really understands the Olympics that well. Like, they asked him if he liked the decathlon, and he said, no, he preferred regular coffee." --Jay Leno
"I don't know if you noticed this, but at the GOP convention, the cameramen are desperately trying to find minorities in the audience they could zoom in on, 'cause this is what they do. Finally, after an hour, they found one. It was a Presbyterian standing in a group of Methodists." --Jay Leno
"As you all know by now, Barack Obama sent out a cell phone text message at 3 a.m. on Saturday morning to tell everyone he picked Joe Biden as his vice president. How do you think this makes Hillary Clinton feel, huh? Finally, she gets a telephone call at 3 a.m., it's to tell her they picked Joe Biden." --Jay Leno
http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
“And finally, an athlete from Finland told reporters over the weekend that after competing in the men’s 50-kilometer cross-country ski race at the Beijing Games, his penis was, quote, ‘a little bit frozen’ — though just because he needed an excuse after he was caught ‘warming it up.’” —Seth Meyers
“Or as it’s known by its official medical diagnosis: chilly willy.” —Stephen Colbert
“Lindholm’s frosty groin was so bad, after the race, he had to use a heat pack to try to thaw out his appendage. OK, you gotta do it. Remember, never let your penis defrost on the counter. Put it in a bowl of water in the fridge — salmonella.” —Stephen Colbert
“Now if this all sounds painful, yes. As Lindholm said, “When the body parts started to warm up after the finish, the pain was unbearable.’ As opposed to ‘bearable’ frozen penis?” —Stephen Colbert
“People could tell something was wrong when he was doing a hand stand under the hand dryers in the men’s room. Thank god he’s an Olympian, because I wouldn’t have the hand strength.” —Jimmy Fallon
“I feel for the guy, though. He’s training for years and now that’s what comes up when you Google him, you know what I’m saying?” —Jimmy Fallon
“He used it to his advantage, though. For two of the turns he didn’t even use a ski pole.” —Jimmy Fallon
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
“Russia has claimed that they are withdrawing some of its 150,000 troops from the border of Ukraine. Nato promptly disputed that claim, and if you’re feeling confused, that’s on purpose. Because according to the experts, the US and Russia are waging a signaling war to avert an actual war. Yes, a signaling war, just like in that famous movie: Semaphoring Private Ryan.” —Stephen Colbert
“In other Russia news, one of its elite figure skaters, 15-year-old Kamila Valieva, tested positive for a banned substance before the Winter Olympics in Beijing. Fifteen-year-olds on drugs should not be in the Olympics. They should be on Euphoria. Facing international outrage, Valieva claimed the drug got in her system via a mix-up with her grandfather’s heart medication. Yes, come on, you know how it goes! You’re in the kitchen and all of a sudden you trip and fall on to your grandpa’s day-of-the-week pill case. Now all of a sudden you’re skating around high on a cocktail of Centrum, Lipitor and Viagra.” —Stephen Colbert
“Because she is 15, Valieva is protected from certain sanctions, allowing her to still compete in the individual figure skating competition. They didn’t have a choice! If they didn’t allow her to skate, Putin would’ve just rolled her out there on a tank.” —Stephen Colbert
“On Thursday, Valieva faltered in her free skate program, dashing her hopes for a medal. But if she had finished in the top three, no medal ceremony would have been held for the event. They’ll just ship the medals out to whoever won them later, because every athlete trains their entire life for that magic moment when they can stand at attention on their stoop waiting for the UPS guy. Maybe ask the driver to honk the national anthem.” —Stephen Colbert
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
