The last time someone else tooted Trump's horn it cost him $130,000 (And this isn't good — she brought her passport and everything she owns)

Today, first lady Melania Trump made a surprise visit to the U.S.-Mexico border. And this isn't good — she brought her passport and everything she owns. --Jimmy Fallon

In a speech last night, Trump said sometimes you have to toot your own horn because nobody else is going to do it. The last time someone else tooted Trump's horn it cost him $130,000. --Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday Donald Trump said if he's elected president he would rarely leave the White House to take vacations because there's so much work to do. Donald Trump is the only man who can say he's going to spend four years in a mansion and make it sound like a sacrifice. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

cops say their job has never been easier (rich people's rocket money)

Donald Trump is considering Sarah Palin to be his secretary of Veterans Affairs. Palin says she’s great at helping veterans. John McCain was like, “Wrong.” –Jimmy Fallon

There's a new dating site that's specifically for people who love Disney movies called "Mouse Mingle." Guys who join the site say they love it, while cops say their job has never been easier. –Jimmy Fallon

Pringles is selling a line of scented candles in the U.K. that smell like different Pringles flavors. They said they tried selling them in the U.S., but people ate them. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Not only does she have the No. 1 song, today, she was seen holding hands with Travis Kelce (Complaints have dropped by 88%)

“The new No. 1 song in the United States, according to the Billboard Hot 100, is 65 years old. ‘Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree’ by Brenda Lee, which was released in 1958, is at the top of the charts for the very first time. Brenda Lee was 13 when she recorded the song, which is crazy. A 13-year-old named Brenda? It’s insane.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s never been No. 1 before, but for whatever reason it is now, and now Brenda Lee has a No. 1 hit at 78 years old. It’s nuts. I mean, between the president, the Golden Bachelor, and now Brenda Lee, old people are hotter than ever.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“Yep, Brenda’s having a moment. Not only does she have the No. 1 song, today, she was seen holding hands with Travis Kelce.” — Jimmy Fallon

“That’s right, Brenda Lee’s ‘Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree’ has hit No. 1. Meanwhile, Mariah Carey spent the day cutting letters out of magazines: ‘Back off, B.’” — Jimmy Fallon

“People are loving something that’s been around for over six decades. This is actually the best news Joe Biden’s had in years.” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

if you dare cops to arrest you, try to be on a faster animal than a manatee (Finally! A place where we can eat a sandwich!)

A man in Florida is in jail after he was spotted riding a manatee and dared cops to arrest him. Maybe it’s just me, but if you dare cops to arrest you, try to be on a faster animal than a manatee. --Jimmy Fallon

The president just signed a law that will require men’s restrooms in federal buildings to have baby-changing tables. Or as most guys will call that, “Finally! A place where we can eat a sandwich!” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

She's expected to receive 12 months of probation and a spinoff (California's version has avocado on it)

"A federal judge ruled yesterday that California's version of the death penalty is unconstitutional. Apparently the difference is California's version has avocado on it." –Seth Meyers

Today is National Hammock Day. And just like a hammock, I can't get into it. —Seth Meyers

The 17-year-old daughter of one of the "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" was arrested today for DUI and driving on a suspended license. She's expected to receive 12 months of probation and a spinoff. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I hope not. It’s your phone number. (It took me ages to get her husband's voice right)

When I was at school I had a friend called Anthony. Well I'm not proud of this but it happened. We're at a party, we were quite drunk. He was very drunk and he passed out. And myself and another friend shaved his eyebrows off. He was really surprised, but you couldn't tell. --Jimmy Carr

Global warming. It’s the kids I feel sorry for because if sea levels do rise they'll drown first. --Jimmy Carr

I had a relationship with a blind girl, which was rewarding, but challenging. It took me ages to get her husband's voice right. --Jimmy Carr

I saw the chief of the New York City police on the news. He said, “We will never forget 9/11.” I thought, I hope not not. It’s your phone number. --Jimmy Carr

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Because of that comment I'm going to make my husband take down his Cher posters (You are doing it all wrong)

"Cher tweeted that Michele Bachmann needs to go back to school

and take a history class. Michele Bachmann said, 'Because of that

comment I'm going to make my husband take down his Cher

posters.'" –Conan O'Brien

"First they had a beer at the White House. Well, now, Professor Gates and the cop who arrested him are planning to go to a Red Sox game. It's getting to be a bit much. Last night, they went to a piano bar and sang 'Ebony and Ivory.'" --Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump insisted he's always had a great relationship with women. He said, "I believe a woman can be anything she wants to be, whether that's Miss USA or Miss Universe. Either one." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They said they would have given the same treatment to any minority (We're going to attack you, but first you should eat)

"So, I don't know if this is a case of racism. The police in Cambridge say it had nothing to do with Professor Gates being black. They said they would have given the same treatment to any minority." --Bill Maher

Joe Biden is getting on in years, come on. When he has weird sex his safe word is speak up. --Bill Maher

"Before the incursion that started yesterday the Israeli's agreed to a five hour cease fire so the Palestinians could get supplies and food - how Jewish is that? 'We're going to attack you, but first you should eat.'" –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Everyone in the family’s going to be there! (Red Wedding)

July 2022

“The Justice Department, as part of its January 6th investigation, is looking into information about former President Donald Trump’s potential crimes in attempting to overturn the 2020 election. ‘Potential’ fraud? It’s the ‘false-electors scheme’! You don’t call something a ‘scheme’ and ‘false’ if it’s on the level. No one’s ever said, ‘Barbara, I accept this ring, and I promise to love you forever, as part of my false marriage scheme.’” —Stephen Colbert

“It is about damn time. At this point, the investigators are like the last person at the office to catch on to a popular TV show: ‘So get this, guys — there are dragons, but they hardly ever show them. There’s lots of nudity. I’m really looking forward to the Red Wedding episode. I’m so happy for Robb Stark. He deserves all the love. Everyone in the family’s going to be there!’” —Stephen Colbert

“I am potentially very excited, because all of this is potentially huge, because no former president has ever been charged with a crime in the country’s history. So what? Before John Wayne Gacy, no one ever executed a birthday clown.” —Stephen Colbert

“Yeah, another investigation, and I don’t know, guys, at this point, I feel like the Justice Department is just going to have to dedicate an entire division to Trump, you know? Just give him his own one. You know, like they’ll have national security division, the civil rights division and the ‘What the hell did Donald Trump do now’ division?” —Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Apparently the baby was blocking her nipple (The World’s Most Dangerous Drug)

Real Estate mogul Donald Trump announced this week that after three and a half years of marriage he is seeking a divorce from wife Marla Maples. According to Trump, Maples violated part of their marriage agreement when she decided to turn 30. —Norm Macdonald

They are developing a pill which can give women orgasms without having sex. Read all about this revolutionary discovery in my new book called The World’s Most Dangerous Drug. —Norm Macdonald

Pop singer Madonna was outraged this week when a tabloid photographer snapped her picture while she was breastfeeding her new baby. Apparently the baby was blocking her nipple. —Norm Macdonald

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Because right now, that’s the only way a Red Sox fan can get a win in the Bronx (Or, as I prefer, ‘Jennifer 2: Jen-flecktric Boogaffleck.’)

July 2022

“That’s right, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez reportedly got married over the weekend. Because right now, that’s the only way a Red Sox fan can get a win in the Bronx.” —Seth Meyers

“That’s right, they got married at a drive-through chapel. You know inflation is bad when even those two are, like, ‘Let’s just do it in Vegas.’ The guy who married them was, like, ‘Wow, you two are the best Ben and J. Lo impersonators I’ve ever seen — you’re really good.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Love is real! If they can make it work, there’s hope for every attractive millionaire celebrity couple with a skin-care line.” —Stephen Colbert

“And as I’m sure you know, the two were engaged years ago, but now they’ve made it official. It’s Bennifer again-i-fer! Or, as I prefer, ‘Jennifer 2: Jen-flecktric Boogaffleck.’” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

A Bold Vision for Yogurt and Dog Food (Headline: WH*RES!)

This morning, the Trump administration unveiled their 2018 budget, titled “A New Foundation for American Greatness,” which is just slightly grandiose for a financial document. It’s like calling your grocery list “A Bold Vision for Yogurt and Dog Food.” –Stephen Colbert

"Tonight, Hillary Clinton says the states she's won are bigger than Obama's. I say it's not the size that counts but whether it's shaped like Florida." --Stephen Colbert

 

"New York Post, I call dibs on 'Eliot Mess.' ... Huge news today. ... New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer has admitted involvement with a prostitution ring. I just hope the press deals with this tastefully (On screen: Picture of Spitzer, Headline: WHORES!)" --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Meanwhile, Wonder Man made $121 million for doing the same job (Help! My Dad’s a Nectarine!)

“Wonder Woman” made $100 million at the box office this weekend. Meanwhile, Wonder Man made $121 million for doing the same job. –Seth Meyers

Donald Trump is continuing to draw criticism for his claims that Judge Gonzalo Curiel's Mexican heritage makes him unfit to preside over a lawsuit against Trump University, despite the fact that Curiel was born and raised in Indiana. And when Trump found that out, he said, "Oh, no, he's an Indian, too?" –Seth Meyers

Two Papa John’s employees in Washington State were arrested this week for allegedly delivering cocaine in pizza boxes. Authorities became suspicious when Papa John’s started getting five-star Yelp reviews that were 47 paragraphs long. –Seth Meyers

It is being reported that Ivanka Trump is writing a book titled “Women Who Work: Rewriting the Rules of Success.” Which is better than the original title, “Help! My Dad’s a Nectarine!” –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We've tried nothing and we are all out of ideas (No, you're under arrest for being too sexy)

Trump just gave an interview where he appeared to confuse Kim Jong Un with his father, Kim Jong Il. It got worse when Trump was like, “Which one’s married to Kanye?” –Jimmy Fallon

James Comey is promoting his new book “A Higher Loyalty.” Trump is furious about it because it insults his leadership, and because it forced him to read a book. --Jimmy Fallon

And this isn't good. Down in Florida, a man pretending to be a police officer was arrested after he pulled over an actual undercover cop. It got worse when the fake cop tried to get out of it by pretending to be a stripper. He was like, "No, you're under arrest for being too sexy." --Jimmy Fallon

I'm very excited about this. There's another new episode of "Game of Thrones" this weekend. I read that the show set a record by using 4,000 gallons of fake blood. Even crazier, the previous record holder? "Golden Girls." -Really? --Jimmy Fallon

Trump is hosting Emmanuel Macron. Trump loves Macron because when he speaks English, Trump closes his eyes and pretends it's the candlestick from "Beauty and the Beast." --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

honoring the long tradition of cops turning off their cameras (Canadian graffiti at its finest)

“In hindsight, ‘Cops’ was a weird show. It was people being arrested to the tune of a boppin’ reggae song. And the lyrics to that song — ‘Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?’ — that alone should have tipped us off that we have a problem.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“The long-running show ‘Cops’ was canceled yesterday, honoring the long tradition of cops turning off their cameras.” — Seth Meyers

“And you know, if you ask me, I can’t even believe ‘Cops’ lasted this long. I mean, this was always such a weird show. Who comes home from a long day at work and is like, ‘I wanna unwind, you know? Let me watch some broke shirtless guys get their lives destroyed. It’s the only way I can get some sleep.”’ — Trevor Noah

“I think when people were asking for cops to be canceled, this isn’t what they had in mind.” — Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”