right before they took her keys to her car (If only she could get close enough to her cake to blow out the candles)

The mayor of Jackson, Mississippi, signed a proclamation declaring Kamala Harris Day to honor all of her accomplishments. They're calling it Cinco de Drunko. Kamala was also awarded Jackson, Mississippi's key to the city, which was offered right before they took her keys to her car. —Greg Gutfeld

The House Oversight Committee is looking into how Ilhan Omar and her husband went from being nearly broke to having $30 million in just one year. But Omar credits her financial adviser, Nancy Pelosi. —Greg Gutfeld

Today is music icon Dolly Parton's 80th birthday. If only she could get close enough to her cake to blow out the candles. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Of course, her idea of marriage equality is that both of you should get to be president (toast)

Officials in Japan have begun criticizing President Trump's state visit later this month following reports that Trump would be given a chair to sit on while attending a sumo-wrestling tournament rather than following the traditional custom of sitting on the floor. Hey, that's just how he is. When Melania gave birth, he took the bed. --Seth Meyers

At a rally in California yesterday, Bernie Sanders said that if he winds up being the Democratic nominee, “Donald Trump is toast.” Incidentally, “toast” is also what Donald Trump’s tanning bed is set to. –Seth Meyers

"Hillary Clinton has temporarily changed her campaign logo to rainbow colors in support of marriage equality. Of course, her idea of marriage equality is that both of you should get to be president." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Nancy Pelosi didn’t move this fast when she was exposed to sunlight (Jim Beam and Jack Daniels)

Once again President Trump gets stuff done and in record time. Nancy Pelosi didn’t move this fast when she was exposed to sunlight. —Greg Gutfeld

According to the New York Times failed presidential candidate Kamala Harris is looking for a way to get back in the spotlight with a run for California governor. It's true. She's already hired two consultants, Jim Beam and Jack Daniels. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Just one of the reasons we remember Herbert Hoover as our greatest president (Who’s ready to learn how to make their own iPad from scratch?)

Donald Trump finally announced his tariff plan on Wednesday, a day he referred to as “liberation day”. Or, in other words, “thanks to Donald Trump, America is finally free from the tyranny of being able to buy stuff from other countries. Who’s ready to learn how to make their own iPad from scratch?” —Stephen Colbert

After weeks of speculation, Trump announced 10% tariffs on goods from all countries, plus additional markups – 34% on imports from China, 20% on imports from the European Union, 25% on imports from South Korea, 24% on those from Japan and 32% on those from Taiwan. In all, the most severe set of US trade tariffs since 1930. Ah yes, the 1930 Smoot-Hawley tariffs. Just one of the reasons we remember Herbert Hoover as our greatest president. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You know you're in pretty bad shape when you can't even give away a Hummer (A Dick for All Seasons)

"It's a bad day for General Motors. They're shutting down the Hummer. The Chinese were going to buy it, but after careful consideration, the Chinese decided they don't want it. You know you're in pretty bad shape when you can't even give away a Hummer." –Craig Ferguson

"Dick Cheney has a new book coming out August 30. It doesn't have a title yet, Might I suggest a few. 'How to Shoot Friends and Influence People,' 'A Dick for All Seasons,' 'Torture in the Rye'..." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So unfortunately men are still allowed to play soccer (Force the Vote)

So this week a bill that forbids men to play women's sports failed to advance in the Senate. So unfortunately men are still allowed to play soccer. —Greg Gutfeld

According to a new survey nearly 25% of Americans admit to peeing in the shower. Just peeing asked Joe Biden? —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's maintained by the same construction company that built her face (Now where will I get lunch?)

Hooters is reportedly preparing for bankruptcy. Now where will I get lunch, asked Bill Clinton. —Greg Gutfeld 

Donald Trump is looking to sell off the Nancy Pelosi Federal Building in San Francisco. It's in pretty good shape too, having been maintained by the same construction company that built her face. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

There's also a negative side (Fairly simple thing that happens to work)

Why do dogs race to the door when you when the doorbell rings? It’s almost never for them. --Norm Macdonald

“The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side.” —Hunter S. Thompson

I'd like to talk about a few things that bring us together. Okay, things that emphasize our similarities instead of our differences, which is all you ever hear about in this country are differences. Politicians and the media are always pushing the things that separate us, things that make us different. That's the way the ruling class operates in any society. They divide the rest of the people, they keep the lower and the middle classes fighting with each other so that the rich can run off with all the fucking money. Fairly simple thing that happens to work. --George Carlin

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Giving birth to a baby wearing a crown is very hard (an increasingly female presence in a previously male space)

"Prince William and his lovely bride are pregnant. Buckingham Palace announced Kate is pregnant. They've been married for a year and a half. That's like five marriages for a Kardashian." –Craig Ferguson

"Kate is said to be very nervous about giving birth. Giving birth to a baby wearing a crown is very hard." –Craig Ferguson

"It's fantastic that Congress has an increasing number of women. Experts call an increasingly female presence in a previously male space 'the Bruce Jenner effect.'" –Craig Ferguson

 

My eyes are up here (No, he didn’t!)

A group of scientists say they have been able to give paralyzed monkeys back the control of their legs using new implants. Monkeys who got their implants were like, “My eyes are up here.” –Seth Meyers

Donald Trump won the presidential election last night and then, out of habit, Kellyanne Conway said, “No, he didn’t!” –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In case of an accident, I'm not surprised (What neither of them care about is you)

For potential disasters, this pessimist carries a card in his wallet that says, "In case of an accident, I'm not surprised." --Milton Berle

“I want to make sure Ukraine has enough tanks before I get my colonoscopy.” –Kurt Metzger 1/26/2023

"What the government wants is control. What the corporate world wants is money. What both of them want is power. What neither of them care about is you." --Russell Brand

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The Sopranos are a lot like the Bush administration (there is a right way and a wrong way to polish sterling silver)

 

"The Sopranos are a lot like the Bush administration. There are wiretaps, people going to jail, and the second in command accidentally shoots his best friend." --Jay Leno

"A dead body was discovered this week on the grounds of a country estate owned by Queen Elizabeth. The queen said today she hopes this serves as a reminder to anybody on her staff that there is a right way and a wrong way to polish sterling silver." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

She didn't bother showing the oven that Hansel and Gretel were pushed into (the doctors were able to successfully give him a third hand)

DiGiorno announced they are bringing back their frozen Thanksgiving pizza for the holidays. The pizzas are topped with turkey gravy, green beans, and the number for the National Suicide Hotline. —Michael Che

This week was National No Bra Day and it was a huge flop. —Michael Che

Researchers in Britain have discovered the first ever adult man with three penises, and after a long and complicated surgery, doctors were able to successfully give him a third hand. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

notorious for being under control (Mama Bear for Oligarchs)

 

"Kind of a sad study out today that single women over the age of 35 are more likely to be shot by the vice president Dick Cheney than to find a husband." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The Chinese government claims that it has the smog that Beijing is ‘notorious for being under control’, but here's how bad it really is. They say if Snoop Dogg rolled down the window of his limo, smoke would pour in." --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So what are you in hell for? (How dumb is you?)

While most eyes have been trained on Donald Trump’s criminal hush-money trial in New York, we are looking at America’s other major political corruption trial: that of the New Jersey senator Robert Menendez.

The 70-year-old senator faces 16 counts of federal bribery charges for allegedly conspiring with his wife, Nadine, to accept bribes from wealthy businessmen in exchange for political favors to help the governments of Qatar and Egypt. The prosecution’s evidence recovered from Menendez’s house includes boots stuffed with cash, gold bars, a Mercedes-Benz convertible, furniture, exercise equipment and cash found in the lining of the senator’s embroidered congressional jacket.

Upon returning from a trip to Egypt, Menendez also Googled “how much is one kilo of gold worth?” Menendez has proclaimed innocence. According to the New York Times, he said his cash habit was the result of “traumatic” family history. [As Menendez] “They are simply my emotional support gold bars? Whenever I’m not with them, I get anxious. We respond to trauma in different ways.”

But perhaps the dumbest thing about this entire, not-quite-believable Real Housewives episode is how unnecessary it all is. You, sir, are an elected official in America’s most respected legislative body. It’s like a license to print money. You don’t need to break the law so cartoonishly when the legal corruption in the Senate is so fucking lucrative. The trial occasioned a new Daily Show segment: “Senator Robert Menendez, how dumb is you?”

As Stewart explained: “Promising favors to foreign entities for a little chump change on the side? It’s bush league when as a US senator you can enrich yourself in so many different, let’s call them ‘legal’, ways.” The host let Menendez in on the workings of insider trading, writing laws that benefit a side business, “like the way Senator Chuck Grassley netted $370,000 in farm subsidies” and leadership PACs that essentially operate as lobbyist slush funds. “A pharma lobbyist cannot buy a senator a panini and some NyQuil,” he said, “but through the Pac, they can pay for five-star hotels for Senator Kristen Gillibrand, luxury resorts for Ted Cruz and even golf lessons for Rand Paul.

“At every turn, our Congress and our courts have been given a choice: be less corrupt, or redefine what constitutes corruption and get on with your bad selves,” Stewart added. “Robert Menendez’s gold bars in exchange for favorable legislation is obviously cartoonishly corrupt, but for anyone out there who thinks the status quo of government patronage and influence is of an entirely different species than Menendez … how dumb is you?” —Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

A complex world demands complex hair (In other words, about the same as English)

"The White House said that President Bush actually can speak Spanish, but not very well. In other words, about the same as English." --David Letterman

"Yeah, the Democratic Convention is in Denver, and security is tight out there, it is very tight, it's tighter than Nancy Pelosi's face." --David Letterman

"Donald Trump has a great campaign slogan: 'A complex world demands complex hair.'" –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

you're probably going to see a giant bunny (It was actually my wife’s idea)

"This year's Easter Sunday happens to fall on the same day as the marijuana holiday, 4/20. Which means no matter what your religion, this Sunday you're probably going to see a giant bunny." –Conan O'Brien

It was reported today that President Trump has been pushing for women's health programs that are based on abstinence. Trump said, "It was actually my wife’s idea…" --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You see, it really is hard out there for a pimp (See? It goes right back to Cheney again!)

Republican congressman Randy 'Duke' Cunningham was sentenced to 8 years in prison. You see, it really is hard out there for a pimp." --Jay Leno

"The White House announced today, as everybody else did, that in President Bush's re-election campaign, they're going to take the money they got from this Jack Abramoff guy and donate it to heart patients in need. See? It goes right back to Cheney again!" --Jay Leno

"Yesterday was 666. And the devil did not show up yesterday, unless of course you're a Democrat watching Ann Coulter on the 'Today Show.'" --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

He can't wait to just take it all in, hold it for several seconds, and then exhale (blew an early lead)

Congrats to the Kansas City Royals, who beat the Mets to win their first World Series in 30 years. Since the Royals won, they'll get to meet President Obama. And since the Mets blew an early lead and lost, they'll get to meet Jeb Bush. –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday President Obama traveled to Jamaica, where he will meet with students and Caribbean leaders. Jamaica's such a beautiful place, Obama says he can't wait to just take it all in, hold it for several seconds, and then exhale." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”