Trump's own personal kryptonite (Duck Season! Rabbit Season!)

Still recovering from yesterday’s Oval Office Battle Royale between Trump, Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi and the corpse of Mike Pence. He looks fresh. They ice him down every night. He’s like salmon. Donald Trump is trying to put a positive spin on Donald Trump’s performance. But one person’s not buying that: that’s Donald Trump.

Because according to witnesses, Trump “Stormed out of the Oval Office and threw his briefing papers across the room.” Oh, No! Now how is he going to read his briefing? Witnesses say that Trump was mainly frustrated with Chuck Schumer saying that “His old sparring buddy got the better of him. Schumer had goaded him into it.” Schumer got Trump but using Trump's own personal kryptonite: Opening his mouth.

Trump said, “Chuck, you want to shut down the government.” Then Schumer said, No sir. You want to shut down the government.” Then Trump said, “Yes I do. Checkmate.” I have only seen negotiating that good one time before. It was between Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck. “Rabbit Season! Duck Season! Rabbit Season! Rabbit Season! Duck Season!” Fire! --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

No word on who gets custody of the Craftsman wrench set (What a bunch of overpaid losers)

Megan Rapinoe, soccer star, and basketball legend Sue Bird have split up. No word on who gets custody of the Craftsman wrench set. —Greg Gutfeld

And finally, the New York Mets have lost their 11th straight game. Now when New Yorkers scream, "What a bunch of overpaid losers," they aren't talking about Fox and Friends. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

most of it was ethically sourced from Chuck Schumer's ears (every single time it turns out they lied)

Kamala Harris was seen with a drag queen who was impersonating her. The impersonator was so convincing he's currently banging Willie Brown. —Greg Gutfeld

"Sunday night, reality star Lisa Rinna attended an Oscar party wearing a dress made from 11 pounds of human hair. But don't worry, most of it was ethically sourced from Chuck Schumer's ears. --Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

he'll be the meat in many sandwiches (And by it, he means bullets)

After Trump deployed the National Guard to DC, Chuck Schumer says that Republicans who are scared to walk outside are full of it. And by it, he means bullets. —Greg Gutfeld

A DC man has been charged with felony assault after hitting a federal agent with a Subway sandwich. The agent is fine, but the accused is heading to jail where he'll be the meat in many sandwiches. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s like an elderly same-sex couple showing their nephew around the country club (Sorry, Joe, I got my own problem)

The Ukrainian president, Volodymyr Zelensky, stopped by the Capitol to meet with Chuck Schumer and Mitch McConnell. What a threesome. It’s like an elderly same-sex couple showing their nephew around the country club. —Jimmy Kimmel

Zelensky met with all 100 US senators on Tuesday to ask for additional funding for Ukraine and more humanitarian aid and to show Ted Cruz how to grow a beard. —Jimmy Kimmel

“Today, President Biden hosted Ukrainian President Zelensky at the White House. When he asked for money and support, Zelensky said, ‘Sorry, Joe, I got my own problem.’” — Jimmy Fallon

“At this point, the U.S. hasn’t agreed to give Ukraine any more funding. Then Zelensky saw the White House’s 98 Christmas trees and was like, ‘Yeah, I can tell money’s tight.” — Jimmy Fallon

“It got a little awkward. Apparently, for a minute, Biden forgot who he was meeting with and offered to zero out Zelensky’s student loan balance.” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Wow – how’d they get a venue so quick?! (Does this mean I can stay in my pajamas?)

Another big story is that Prince Harry is engaged to Meghan Markle. And it was announced that they’ll marry at Windsor Castle this May. Right now, every bride is asking, “Wow – how’d they get a venue so quick?!” –Jimmy Fallon

A little drama out of Washington today. Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi canceled their meeting with President Trump, after he attacked them on Twitter. Then Trump was like, “Does this mean I can stay in my pajamas?" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

I’ve seen more organized groups of seagulls fighting over a potato chip (Why do you hate diversity?)

“Let’s compare the Republican leadership dysfunction to the Democratic leadership of Joe Biden in the White House, Chuck Schumer in the Senate and Hakeem Jeffries in the House. Say what you will about them, and there is plenty to criticize, but at least their status as leaders is stable. Meanwhile, the GOP has likely presidential candidate Donald Trump, whose top four suggested Uber destinations are courthouses, the Senate minority leader, Mitch McConnell, who can often be found buffering, and no speaker of the House. I would call House Republicans a clusterfuck, but a cluster implies some sense of unity. They’re more like a scatter-fuck. I’ve seen more organized groups of seagulls fighting over a potato chip.” —Seth Meyers

“In other Trump news, a federal judge issued a partial gag order in the case related to January 6, which prevents him from publicly targeting prosecutors, judge’s staff or possible witnesses. Aren’t we all possible witnesses? I don’t know about you, but I saw the whole thing happen. The gag order has not stopped Trump from blustering along the campaign trail. At a speech in Iowa, he claimed: ‘What they don’t understand is that I am willing to go to jail, if that’s what it takes for our country to win and become a democracy again.’ Oh yeah, we understand that. That actually is the plan: you go to jail, and the country becomes a democracy again.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Trust me, he doesn't know when someone is faking it (their “I’m horrified but I can’t show it” face)

But Trump’s lawyer allegedly told him that if he fired Robert Mueller, it would have a catastrophic effect on his presidency. Then after a long pause, the lawyer said, “That means ‘bad,’ Mr. President.” [imitates Trump] “Oh, I’m sorry – I thought you meant we were going to be invaded by cat people.” --Jimmy Fallon

Of course, Trump’s been practicing his State of the Union speech ahead of time. While Mike Pence and Paul Ryan are practicing their “I’m horrified but I can’t show it” face. --Jimmy Fallon

Tickets to the State of the Union had to be reprinted after they originally said State of the "Uniom." Even the guy who sent out that false missile alert in Hawaii was like, "How do you mess that up?" --Jimmy Fallon

After Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer got emotional while protesting Trump's travel ban, Trump accused him of fake crying. Then Melania said, "Trust me, he doesn't know when someone is faking it." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Congratulate me! I didn’t eat nachos off the casket! (Rabbit Season! Duck Season! Fire!)

Still recovering from yesterday’s Oval Office Battle Royale

between Trump, Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi and the

corpse of Mike Pence. He looks fresh. They ice him down

every night. He’s like salmon. Donald Trump is trying to

put a positive spin on Donald Trump’s performance. But

one person’s not buying that: that’s Donald Trump. Because

according to witnesses, Trump “Stormed out of the Oval

Office and threw his briefing papers across the room.” Oh,

No! Now how is he going to read his briefing? Witnesses

say that Trump was mainly frustrated with Chuck Schumer

saying that “His old sparring buddy got the better of him.

Schumer had goaded him into it.” Schumer got Trump but

using Trump's own personal kryptonite: Opening his mouth.

Trump said, “Chuck, you want to shut down the government.”

Then Schumer said, No sir. You want to shut down the

government.” Then Trump said, “Yes I do. Checkmate.”

I have only seen negotiating that good one time before. It

was between Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck. “Rabbit Season!

Duck Season! Rabbit Season! Rabbit Season! Duck Season!”

Fire! --Stephen Colbert

According to administration officials, Trump has been snappish with aides most of the week. Miffed in part by so many ceremonial events not related to him. Aides added that Trump was impatient for the memorials to end, but expressed pride in himself for remaining publicly civil. That’s how far we’ve fallen. We’ve gone from “1,000 points of light” to “Congratulate me! I didn’t eat nachos off the casket!” --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Because that's how you get demons (everyone will be watching)

October 2022

“There is a video of Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer hiding from the mob, relaying reports of rioters defecating in the Capitol. When I was watching this happen, I thought to myself it’s so interesting how people like Tucker Carlson were calling black people animals when the George Floyd protests were happening. But when these people were literally shitting in the Capitol, Fox was like, ‘These brave patriots are just expressing their frustration and standing up for American democracy!’ They’re not the animals? I can tell you for a fact that in Minnesota when shit was going down and people were raiding that Target, there was no black man who stopped in the middle of all of that and defecated.” —Trevor Noah

“As for Trump’s subpoena, I have one question: How are they only deciding on this now? Only now? It’s like doing a whole murder investigation and on the last day being like, ‘Should we, like, talk to the murderer?’” —Trevor Noah

“While most people assume Trump will not cooperate, but maybe the former president might feel conflicted. On the one hand, yes, he thinks this is a crooked witch-hunt that is out to get him, but on the other hand, the ratings. Can you imagine the ratings? This would be like the Super Bowl meets Watergate meets Game of Thrones meets a mandatory HR video about sexual harassment – everyone will be watching.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's because you are here to help create a new one (Number 343)

September 2022

“Excerpts from a new book on the Trump presidency from the New York Times reporter Maggie Haberman are being leaked. According to Confidence Man, Trump was having dinner with Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer when he turned to their non-white staffers and said ‘why don’t you get the food?’ That is just awful, but to be fair, that’s what he says in every situation.” —Stephen Colbert

“Haberman also revealed that Trump nearly fired his daughter Ivanka and her husband, Jared Kushner, via tweet. That would be an awful way to find out they lost their jobs as … handbag blondeface? Haunted scarecrow? His and hers towel racks? I don’t know what they did. In the end, the ex-president did what he has done his whole life: he avoided his children. He never fired them, and as we all know, Jared went on to achieve Middle East peace.” —Stephen Colbert

“A new Forbes 400 list listed Elon Musk as the richest man in America, with a net worth of $251 Billion. The Tesla CEO beat out Jeff Bezos, who ceded his spot at No 1 in a show of solidarity with employees who aren’t allowed to go No 1 on the job. Trump is also back on the list, coming in at No 343, which hopefully will soon be his inmate number as well.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“There is a report in Maggie Haberman’s book that the former Trump chief of staff John Kelly convinced him not to fire Jared and Ivanka via tweet by waving a KFC drumstick in front of him and tossing it across the room. According to this book, everyone who worked at the White House, including his family, thought Trump was a dangerous, unpredictable child. And on behalf of all of us, I just want to say thank you to those brave men and women who kept that information to themselves and away from the American people who could have removed him from office.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

thanks for printing out all 755 pages, by the way (You know what this place needs?)

August 2022

“We are celebrating a big weekend for Joe Biden, as Senate Democrats passed the Inflation Reduction Act, the economy added half a million new jobs, and he finally tested negative for Covid. So he was able to leave the White House for the first time in over two weeks. And this is great: when he emerged from hibernation, he predicted six more weeks of summer.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Biden had such a successful 18 days with Covid he’s already setting up meetings with shingles and pneumonia. I’m not into conspiracies, but all I’m saying is Beyoncé finally puts out an album and Biden hits a hot streak – you won’t break my soul, Jack.” —Jimmy Fallon

“We are cheering the passage of the Inflation Reduction Act, though as the vote was 51-50 with no Republican support, it was a great way to let the world know that half of us are united. The Senate majority leader, Chuck Schumer, called the 755-page bill the ‘boldest climate package in US history’. The Earth was like ‘thanks for printing out all 755 pages, by the way.’” —Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

a Cadillac GTS, a Lexus, ten Rascal scooters and a hearse (It's like we're all married to Kevin Federline)

"This is interesting, according to vehicle registration records, John and Cindy McCain own 13 cars and Barack and Michelle Obama only have one car. They have one car, and the McCains have 13. Which, to be fair, is like only one for each house. But the Obamas share a Ford Escape Hybrid. And the McCains have a Cadillac GTS, a Lexus, ten Rascal scooters and a hearse." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Here's a good reason to drink, Congress has approved a new ceiling for the national debt. They had to, because the current national debt was starting to go so high that it was going to go past the legal limit, so they just raised it. And our new national debt is $9 trillion, not million, not billion. To put $9 trillion in perspective, that is more than Oprah makes in a week. It works out to about $30,000 in debt to every single American, including kids. In other words, the government has borrowed $30,000 from each of us and blown it all on Hummers and grenade launchers. It's like we're all married to Kevin Federline." --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Don’t you think you’re taking it a wee bit too far with the Jesus stuff? (Roses are Red, Violets are Blue)

June 2022

“People just want things done. No one cares about Kente cloth or singing on the Capitol steps and especially not poetry, all right? I feel like any moment now Chuck Schumer is going to throw on a fake pregnant belly, and just take a knee in the Capitol and be like ‘We are all pregnant now and we’re standing together.’” —Trevor Noah

“With Friday’s supreme court ruling overturning Roe v Wade, women in America just lost control of their own bodies. Which, I don’t care who you are, is a horrifying thing to be faced with. The 6-3 ruling overturning half a century of precedent was especially crazy, when you consider that countries like Mexico and Ireland are moving forward in the opposite direction. You do realize how weird that is, right? Ireland has had violent conflicts between Christians and other Christians, and even they are looking at America like, ‘Don’t you think you’re taking it a wee bit too far with the Jesus stuff?’” —Trevor Noah

“I know many people around the country feel infuriated, depressed and like there’s no hope. But there is, there really is. There are grassroots organizations already doing the work on the ground in need of donations and volunteers. And as for the Democrats in power, there is something you can actually do. I have even written a poem addressed to Democratic lawmakers: Roses are red / Violets are blue / The people voted, so how about doing your fucking job passing laws to codify contraception, marriage equality and all the other rights the supreme court has basically threatened to take away / And so are you.” —Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The only other Bill 70 percent of Americans support is Murray (not what Dr. Seuss would have wanted)

March 2021

“The House passed the $1.9 trillion coronavirus relief bill today. Democrats are calling it a landmark bill that will give Americans desperately needed financial assistance during a pandemic, while Republicans are calling it ‘not what Dr. Seuss would have wanted.’” —Seth Meyers

“No Republicans voted for the bill in the House or in the Senate, even though more than 70 percent of Americans support it. The only other Bill 70 percent of Americans support is Murray.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s very rare to have a 70 percent approval of something, but Republicans in Congress can’t support it because Democrats in Congress do support it. If a meteor was hurtling toward the earth and Chuck Schumer said, ‘We’ve got to stop this,’ Mitch McConnell would be like, ‘No we don’t. No we don’t. Could lead to socialism.’” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, we asked the wealthy, but they said no (Obama has to get his mother-in-law to co-sign)

August 2011

"To give you an idea how bad our credit is, I'll just say that if Obama asked China for another loan he has to get his mother-in-law to co-sign." –Jay Leno

"For months the Democrats said they would only go along with spending cuts that hurt the middle class if the wealthy were also asked to share the burden. Of course the Democrats wimped out. Did you hear their answer? 'Well, we asked the wealthy, but they said no.'" –Jay Leno

"After the vote, Senator Chuck Schumer of New York said, "It's time for jobs to move to the front burner?" Notice that the only time these guys ever worry about our jobs is when they're about to lose theirs jobs." –Jay Leno 

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

while making direct eye contact with you (a Mormon dude named Mitt)

“Trump’s like an untrained dog. If he pees on the floor, you’ve got to rub his nose in it. And even then, he’ll probably do it again while making direct eye contact with you.” —Seth Meyers

“Minority leader Chuck Schumer said that, from here on, Trump’s presidency will always have an asterisk next to it. And Lindsey Graham will be there to kiss that asterisk at all times.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Mitt Romney was the only republican with the guts to vote guilty. Who would have thought that the most bad-ass Republican in the Senate would end up being a Mormon dude named Mitt?” —Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Jimmy Dore: “Trump Rages At Pelosi’s Face!” Says HuffingtonPost

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Irony, steel. I don't care what metal the wall is made out of (for the love of God, stop talking, Rudy!)

And due to the shutdown, I heard that the State Department had to cancel a major conference on border security. When asked if he saw the irony in it, Trump was like, "Irony, steel. I don't care what metal the wall is made out of. Doesn't matter." --Jimmy Fallon

That's right. Trump is still demanding the wall. And this morning, he even tweeted out a rhyme about it. Check it out. He wrote, "Build a wall, and crime will fall." It's pretty catchy. It got so many retweets that Trump's been trying out some other rhymes. Really? -Check this out. He also tweeted, "Keep your friends close, watch your enemies closely, but don't make me talk to Schumer and Pelosi." Then he tweeted, "Not paying TSA agents may be controversial. But what do I care? I don't fly commercial." Wow. -That's true. And finally he tweeted, "I know that I hired you for my legal duties, but please, for the love of God, stop talking, Rudy!" Just stop talking! --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Lives in a cocoon of his own mistruth (True Welfare Royalty)

President Trump also held a contentious budget meeting at the White House this week with Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer. If you missed it, just go to Denny’s and watch three grandparents fight over the check. --Colin Jost, SNL

After the meeting Schumer said that Trump, “Lives in a cocoon of his own mistruth.” Dude, just call him a liar. They forget they’re talking to a country where most people share their opinion through pictures of fire or a dookie with eyeballs. --Colin Jost, SNL

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”