the president of China or Japan (hoping for panda)

President Trump is hosting China’s president Xi Jinping at an official state dinner at the White House. And being that it's a Chinese themed menu, RFK is really hoping for panda. —Greg Gutfeld 

The White House state dinner for Chinese leader Xi Jinping got off to a rocky start this evening when President Trump said, "Please give a warm White House welcome to the president of China or Japan.” —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Really? Mexico did it (The guy stood out like a sore thumb)

 

"President Bush said, "You can't take millions of people with deep roots in the country and send them across the border." Really? Mexico did it." --Jay Leno

"Did you see that guy on the news who got arrested for jumping the fence and running toward the White House. Luckily, it was pretty easy for the cops to catch him. The guy stood out like a sore thumb. Right now, everyone in Washington is running away from President Bush." --Jay Leno

"The White House is now outsourcing the manufacturing of our passports overseas. Our passports will now be made in foreign countries. See, this is how a global economy works. When an illegal immigrant from Mexico living in L.A. and working in a Japanese-owned company wants to go home to visit his relatives, he uses a passport made in Thailand that he gets by calling a customer service number in India. You see how it works? This could be the thing that makes Lou Dobbs' head explode." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

 “A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey, uh . . . this is 900 iPods (she handed him a live goose and an axe)

There’s exciting news from the world of technology, experts say that in the future sex with robots will become so popular that it could replace sex with humans by 2050. So, basically, in the very near future, instead of texting “U up?” you’ll be texting “U on?” It’s going to be awkward when the robots need repairs. Do you just show up to the Genius bar with a human-sized duffel bag like, “Hey, uh . . . this is 900 iPods.” –James Corden

On a recent flight from Singapore to Japan, a passenger on a budget airline asked for a cup of water and the flight attendant gave him a cup of ice and told him to wait for the ice to melt. But it got worse. The passenger asked for a down pillow and the flight attendant handed him a live goose and an axe. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You know what President Bush is giving up for Lent? (alternative praise)

 

"Earlier today President Bush took Japanese Prime Minister Koizumi to Graceland. The prime minister is a huge Elvis fan. There was one embarrassing moment when President Bush made the Japanese prime minister promise that when he visits Japan, he will take him to the Godzilla museum." --Jay Leno

"Ash Wednesday marks the beginning of Lent. You know what President Bush is giving up for Lent? Our ports." --Jay Leno

 

"I'm surprised that Jessica Simpson is distancing herself from the president. I mean they have a lot in common: They're both from Texas, they're both under constant press scrutiny and they both have no clue about what's going on in Iraq." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wet Leg - Live in Tokyo 2023-02-17 (FULL SHOW 4K) - Spotify O-East, Tokyo, Japan

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Apparently, up until this point, she's just been shoplifting (mosquitos)

Queen Elizabeth today learned how to use a self-service check-out at a supermarket's 105th birthday celebration. Apparently, up until this point, she's just been shoplifting. --Seth Meyers

Officials in Japan have begun criticizing President Trump's state visit later this month following reports that Trump would be given a chair to sit on while attending a sumo-wrestling tournament rather than following the traditional custom of sitting on the floor. Hey, that's just how he is. When Melania gave birth, he took the bed. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Heated Rivalry (Hey look, the aliens are...)

A passenger on Japan Airlines posted a picture of a seat cushion on the plane that features a cheek-splitter wedge in the middle, which is very confusing because "Cheek Splitter" is also the Japanese title for "Heated Rivalry.” —Michael Che

Kentucky police arrested a man after he was caught having sex with a dead deer. I know. Worse, it wasn't dead when he started. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Even more amazing, George W. Bush forgot it twice (defective bungee cord)

"This is a crazy story. For two decades, the secret launch code for America's nuclear missiles was 0000000000. Even more amazing, George W. Bush forgot it twice." –Conan O'Brien

The oldest woman in Japan died at the age of one hundred fourteen. And as soon as the funeral is over the family plans to sue the makers of the defective bungee cord. --Conan O’Brien 4/5/2005

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

That's only a total of 0.83% (He only bowed to Dick Cheney)

"It's interesting. During his speech, President Obama spoke about the difficulty of accepting a Peace Prize while we're fighting two different wars. And President Bush got really upset. He said, 'Hey, I'm the one who started both those wars, I should have won the prize." –Jay Leno

"And the Golden Globe nominations came out yesterday. President Obama picked up a nomination for best Democrat acting like a Republican. So, congratulations." –Jay Leno

"Fox News is criticizing President Obama because he bowed to the Japanese emperor, and earlier he got in trouble with bowing to the Saudi king. See, that never would happen with President Bush. He only bowed to Dick Cheney." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’ll pay extra for my bags, but only if I get a pilot (a live goose and an axe)

On a recent flight from Singapore to Japan, a passenger on a budget airline asked for a cup of water and the flight attendant gave him a cup of ice and told him to wait for the ice to melt. But it got worse. The passenger asked for a down pillow and the flight attendant handed him a live goose and an axe. --James Corden

There’s exciting news from the world of technology, experts say that in the future sex with robots will become so popular that it could replace sex with humans by 2050. So, basically, in the very near future, instead of texting “U up?” you’ll be texting “U on?” –James Corden

Anyone here have plans to travel over the holidays? Well, you might have to check your flights because American Airlines just experienced a computer glitch that has allowed all their pilots to take vacation at the same time, meaning that thousands of flights in December have no one to fly them. This is all part of American Airlines’ new campaign to make the rest of their services seem less awful. “Okay, fine. I’ll pay extra for my bags, but only if I get a pilot.” –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

How many republicans does it take to change a light bulb? (I'm happy that the floor looks slippery)

Japan's new prime minister, Sanae Takaichi, said during a press conference that she is nominating President Trump for the Nobel Peace Prize. And I can't believe I get to say this, but thank God nobody listens to women. —Michael Che     

Critics of President Trump are calling him tone-deaf for posting pictures of his newly renovated White House bathroom during the government shutdown. But I'm happy that the floor looks slippery. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

a metaphor for his entire existence (Super Bowl Champion New York Jets)

On an Air Force One flight to Japan, President Trump fueled speculation that he might try for a third term (despite the Constitution), telling reporters he’d consider it but adding, “I haven’t really thought about it.” But he had “Trump 2028” hats on his desk a few weeks ago. You haven’t thought about it? You have merch. That’s like James Cameron saying he hasn’t thought about ‘Avatar 4.’ — Seth Meyers

“It’s so weird to make a hat for a thing that can’t happen. Wearing a Trump 2028 hat is like wearing a hat that says, ‘Super Bowl Champion New York Jets.’” — Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Step 1: Sit and wait for food (blinking)

I heard that Meghan Markle is coming out with a cookbook. Since she's a royal, the cookbook just says: "Step 1: Sit and wait for food." --Jimmy Fallon

I saw that Coca-Cola is selling a new drink in Japan called "Coca-Cola Coffee Plus.” They say it’s great if you like Coke, love coffee, and hate blinking. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I get the hint, Charles! (a bottle of wine and a straw)

And Teacher Appreciation Day is a great time to give your teacher a card or an apple or what they really deserve — a bottle of wine and a straw. --Jimmy Fallon

This week, the emperor of Japan is giving up the throne. If you want to know more, just read the 50 articles about it that Prince Charles taped to the Queen's fridge. "I get the hint, Charles!" --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Of course, her idea of marriage equality is that both of you should get to be president (toast)

Officials in Japan have begun criticizing President Trump's state visit later this month following reports that Trump would be given a chair to sit on while attending a sumo-wrestling tournament rather than following the traditional custom of sitting on the floor. Hey, that's just how he is. When Melania gave birth, he took the bed. --Seth Meyers

At a rally in California yesterday, Bernie Sanders said that if he winds up being the Democratic nominee, “Donald Trump is toast.” Incidentally, “toast” is also what Donald Trump’s tanning bed is set to. –Seth Meyers

"Hillary Clinton has temporarily changed her campaign logo to rainbow colors in support of marriage equality. Of course, her idea of marriage equality is that both of you should get to be president." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Just one of the reasons we remember Herbert Hoover as our greatest president (Who’s ready to learn how to make their own iPad from scratch?)

Donald Trump finally announced his tariff plan on Wednesday, a day he referred to as “liberation day”. Or, in other words, “thanks to Donald Trump, America is finally free from the tyranny of being able to buy stuff from other countries. Who’s ready to learn how to make their own iPad from scratch?” —Stephen Colbert

After weeks of speculation, Trump announced 10% tariffs on goods from all countries, plus additional markups – 34% on imports from China, 20% on imports from the European Union, 25% on imports from South Korea, 24% on those from Japan and 32% on those from Taiwan. In all, the most severe set of US trade tariffs since 1930. Ah yes, the 1930 Smoot-Hawley tariffs. Just one of the reasons we remember Herbert Hoover as our greatest president. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They wake up to a hot cup of c*caine (Enola, your uncle’s longtime roommate)

This week has seen the stock market plummet with the Dow Jones index falling 890 points. Despite attempts, there is “no good way to spin the story” and the news has been “bumming out everybody on Wall Street” with those who work there reportedly exhausted. Do you know how hard it is to exhaust Wall Street? They wake up to a hot cup of cocaine and then just to take the edge off, more cocaine. —Stephen Colbert 

The ex-Fox News pundit turned military chief Pete Hegseth is “less DEI more DUI” but has been in charge of removing “scary woke words from the internet. This has included the deletion of a photo of the Enola Gay plane, which dropped an atomic bomb on Japan during the second world war. It has been replaced with a photo of Enola, your uncle’s longtime roommate. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Please scream inside your heart (all the sacred teachings of Jesus)

President Trump attended the National Prayer Breakfast in Washington on Thursday. He covered a lot of subjects. He bragged about deporting immigrants, his war on diversity, fighting ‘transgenders’ — all the sacred teachings of Jesus.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“President Trump spoke today at the National Prayer Breakfast, in case you needed more proof that those don’t work.” — Seth Meyers

“Trump also told the audience we need to bring religion back, and who better to bring it back than the guy who sells ‘God Bless the U.S.A.’ bibles for $59.99.” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He announced that it was the anniversary of the Japanese attack on Pearl Jam (subatomic particles)

"Scientists announced that they have detected a brand new subatomic particle. This particle is so tiny, it's actually smaller than the income tax rate paid by Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno

"Wal-Mart announced it's cutting over 11,000 jobs. Wal-Mart said it's cheaper to fire people in bulk." –Jay Leno

"There was an embarrassing moment for Rick Perry. He announced that it was the anniversary of the Japanese attack on Pearl Jam." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's the best money I ever spent said Chris Christie (hold the special sauce)

A massive tuna sold for $1.3 million at a Japanese auction. It's the best money I ever spent said Chris Christie. —Greg Gutfeld

700 former employees are suing McDonald's because their managers demanded sex in exchange for extra hours. One thing's for sure the next time I go to McDonald’s, I'm going to ask them to hold the special sauce. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”