Hey, my record slurs for itself (It's our job to do the exact opposite)

This week, a truck carrying 40,000 pounds of vodka overturned in North Carolina. The driver is fine. He said he’s shaken, but not stirred. –Jimmy Fallon

"This week, our pal Rob Ford faced off against his four challengers in a debate for Toronto mayor. His opponents were, of course, pretty critical of his performance, but Ford said, 'Hey, my record slurs for itself.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Cicadas are coming back next month. These unusual insects spend almost all of their lives in holes underground and only emerge once every 17 years to mate. Sort of like any couple with a Netflix account. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

How many of you will play yourself? (which is pretty big talk for a guy who lost to a bed sheet)

According to one released e-mail, Jeffrey Epstein claimed that he was "the one able to take Trump down,” which is pretty big talk for a guy who lost to a bed sheet. —Michael Che

Netflix is producing a sequel to the 1990s "Cosby Show" spinoff "A Different World” about students at an HBCU, which, of course, stands for “Help! Bill Cosby's Undressing!” —Michael Che

The U.S. Mint this week stop producing new pennies. It doesn’t make sense. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

they are on the lookout for a small town girl living in a lonely world (the pilates studio where Hitler was born)

Authorities in North Carolina were recently on high alert after being told of a suspicious package that had been mailed to an office building. But after evacuating the whole building, police realized that the package was just an audio cassette by the band Journey. I’m sorry, it’s 2018. I do think a Journey cassette is pretty suspicious. Police haven’t confirmed who sent the package, but they are on the lookout for a small town girl living in a lonely world. --James Corden

The Austrian government said they won’t leave the lot vacant, which means “the house where Hitler was born” might soon be “the pilates studio where Hitler was born.” –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Of course, there was Bert's sham marriage to Liza Minnelli (Dick Cheney 2028)

Yesterday a spokesperson for "Sesame Street" said that Bert and Ernie do not, I repeat, do not have a sexual orientation. A spokesperson then added, "But Big Bird is really into Asian chicks." This is because a writer on "Sesame Street" earlier in the week claimed that Bert and Ernie are gay. I always thought it was pretty obvious that Bert and Ernie were gay. Especially based on some of the appearances they have made over the years. For example, they were guest judges on "RuPaul's Drag Race." They hosted an annual summer solstice party on Fire Island. They officiated Neil Patrick Harris' wedding. Of course, there was Bert's sham marriage to Liza Minnelli. --Conan O’Brien

"Some Republicans are saying they want Dick Cheney, that's right, Dick Cheney, to run for president in 2012. Of course, you have to remember that when they said this, Cheney was torturing them." --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

we're just glad our parents aren't around to see this (you can't hold a guy back wearing all that baby oil)

An attorney for Diddy said that his client wants to testify at his trial, saying, I don't know that I can keep him off the stand because you can't hold a guy back wearing all that baby oil. —Michael Che   

A new Netflix show about convicted murderers Eric and Lyle Menendez is being criticized for implying the brothers had an incestuous relationship. Said the brothers, we're just glad our parents aren't around to see this. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Please. I can make the in my sleep (the new Eiffel Tower wheelchair ramp)

Tom Brady revealed that he has regrets about last week’s Netflix roast, saying he didn’t like the way it affected his kids. But that isn’t stopping him from performing in tomorrow night’s Netflix roast of Tom Brady’s kids. —Colin Jost

A high-end fashion brand is selling a pair of jeans for $800 which appear to have a pee stain on the front. Jeans with a pee stain on the front? Please. I can make them in my sleep. —Colin Jost

People in Paris with disabilities are saying that the city has not fulfilled its promise to make it universally accessible before this summer’s olympics. And officials admit they’re having some safety issues with the new Eiffel Tower wheelchair ramp. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They don’t even teach biology because it has a bi in it (God's sitting on his couch watching Netflix right now)

Vice President Mike Pence’s wife Karen has a part-time job. She has taken a part-time job as an art teacher at a school that bans gay and lesbian teachers, for real. It’s called Emmanuel Christian School. The agreement says they will refuse enrollment to those who engage in homosexual behavior. They don’t even teach biology because it has a bi in it. --Jimmy Kimmel

Not only didn't Roy Moore concede, as of tonight he still hasn't conceded. He said God will decide when it's over. Guess what. God decided. It's over. God went home. God's sitting on his couch watching Netflix right now. It's done. –Jimmy Kimmel

"Governor Schwarzenegger is in a bit of a feud with former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin right now. They're fighting about global warming. Palin says it isn't proven. Schwarzenegger said she's 'living in the Stone Age.' And Palin really should know not to mess with Arnold Schwarzenegger. This guy has been systematically terminating women named Sarah for many years now." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Now I can't get into all the details, but in short, Fresno is now part of China (Spoiler Alert)

Netflix is testing a new feature that will allow you to hide what you've been watching. You just click the button and it says, I want to stay married. —Conan O’Brien

"Seriously, though, this is very good news. You should be happy. Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has found a way to close the state's $26 billion budget deficit. It's giant. Now I can't get into all the details, but in short, Fresno is now part of China." --Conan O'Brien

A professor from U.C. Berkeley said we are on track for having the worst drought in 500 years. Which explains why Larry King was overheard saying, "This again?"—Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Answering the question: what would happen if meth smoked itself? (He was two seconds away from pretending he doesn’t speak English)

“The only story that everybody’s talking about right now is Tiger King, the new Netflix series that’s somehow even more viral than Covid-19. The five-hour docu-series taking over conversations across America is the most fascinating show you’ve ever seen. It exposes the sordid and loopy world of exotic animal breeding in America, while also answering the question: what would happen if meth smoked itself?” —Trevor Noah

“Now, these protests have clearly been infused with far-right ideology. Many demonstrators wore MAGA hats, they held up anti-Semitic signs and in Michigan, they even waved Confederate flags, a clear symbol of Michigan’s proud Southern heritage.” — Trevor Noah

“At his press conference Trump played footage from Monday’s press conference but he refused to address what was achieved in February. It was a masterclass in dodging the question. He was two seconds away from pretending he doesn’t speak English.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I wish Americans knew just how much their government despises them (we finally convinced Tom Brady to retire)

February 2023

“President Biden delivered the State of the Union address. Of course, Democrats spent most of the night clapping for Biden. It wasn't for anything he said. They were just trying to keep him awake.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Now, Biden also talked about his achievements. He said, ‘We passed an infrastructure bill, we reduced inflation, and we finally convinced Tom Brady to retire.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“There was wall-to-wall coverage of the State of the Union on all the major networks, like NBC, ABC, and CBS. Meanwhile, Netflix is like, ‘Ka-ching.’” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And if someone mentions that at the office holiday party, do not split an Uber home (hanging in the bathroom at Mar-a-Lago)

December 2022

“Donald Trump's unfavorable rating has surged to 67%. To give you an idea of how bad that is, Kanye is only at 66.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Dahmer just became the third show on Netflix to hit 1 billion hours viewed in 60 days. Wow! And if someone mentions that at the office holiday party, do not split an Uber home.” —Jimmy Fallon

“But I just saw that the police just warned tourists to be on the lookout for pickpockets. And to everyone in the audience who just checked your pockets, it's too late now. You can never be too safe. That's why this time of year, instead of a wallet, I keep all my money in crypto.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Tomorrow is the Georgia Senate runoff between Herschel Walker and Senator Raphael Warnock. Warnock's supporters said that they're voting for him because of his policies, while Walker's supporters say they're voting for him because it's funny. More than 1.8 million Georgia residents have already voted, and that's just Herschel Walker's children.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Over the weekend, former President Trump called for the 2020 election to be overturned by terminating the Constitution. And Trump can actually do it because he has the real Constitution hanging in the bathroom at Mar-a-Lago.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Or, you can pay so that people verify that they’re actually shitting on you (If Musk really wants to make money from Twitter)

November 2022

“Elon Musk wanted Twitter to be “a haven for free speech. Because let’s be honest – up until now, people have really held back on Twitter. But since his takeover on Friday, Musk has been scrambling to figure out how to make this whole thing work. Musk was forced to spend $44 Billion, because it was a troll that turned into a real thing. He used his free speech, and he paid a big price. It’s going to be hard to make money from this thing, as Twitter is not profitable and has substantial debt. Hence, Musk’s plan, leaked on Monday, to charge verified users $20 a month (later revised to $8 a month) to maintain their blue check status. I guess he’s hoping that everyone else on Twitter will also make terrible financial decisions like he did. You realize with $8 a month, you could get Netflix, you get Paramount+, you could get Hulu. Or, you can pay so that people verify that they’re actually shitting on you.” —Trevor Noah

“Even funnier, was the reason Musk gave for the policy – because he’s sick of ‘Twitter’s current lords & peasants system for who has or doesn’t have a blue check mark,’ he wrote in a tweet which praised the blue check mark payment plan as ‘power to the people!’ If you’re trying to create equality on Twitter, why charge anyone to be verified? Give it everyone for free or give it to no one, because it doesn’t make sense to offer it as ‘equality’ and then put a price on it. Can you imagine if MLK was out there like ‘I have a dream, I have a dream and I’ll tell you all about it for $8.99 a month’. If Musk really wants to make money from Twitter, he should charge white people to say the N-word.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You just click the button and it says, I want to stay married (Are you on the menu?)

"An audio recording from five years ago has been released of Michele Bachmann predicting the end of the world. Her exact words were, 'I'm going to run for president in 2012.'" –Conan O'Brien

"At a basketball game, the President and Michelle Obama got caught off-guard on a kiss cam. Meanwhile, Mitt Romney was caught off-guard by the show us your tax returns cam." –Conan O'Brien

Netflix is testing a new feature that will allow you to hide what you've been watching. You just click the button and it says, I want to stay married. —Conan O’Brien

A professor from U.C. Berkeley said we are on track for having the worst drought in 500 years. Which explains why Larry King was overheard saying, "This again?"—Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

U.S. to intervene in China's War On Poverty on the side of poverty (it ends with him killing Obi-Wan Kenobi)

"This weekend, President Bush gave a speech honoring Abraham Lincoln's birthday. There was an awkward moment when Bush referred to Lincoln as 'the guy who invented the penny.'" --Conan O'Brien

Last night’s sit-in by Congressional Democrats was live-streamed and got over 3 million views. Which is why today, Congress got picked up for two seasons on Netflix. –Conan O’Brien

"Former Vice President Dick Cheney is in the news. Cheney has signed a publishing deal to write his memoirs. I don't want to spoil anything, but it ends with him killing Obi-Wan Kenobi.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Both the U.S. and German teams have very good goalies in the World Cup, so many are predicting a very low-scoring game tomorrow. So don't expect to see another one of those 1-0 blowouts." –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Oh, good. Because our number one concern here is, how are you guys doing? (Luckily for us, now he wants to be in charge of people)

A new Election Commission report just came out saying that the Trump campaign isn't doing so well financially, and is practically broke. It's not good — in fact today, Trump stole a bunch of towels from his own hotel. –Jimmy Fallon

"On the Republican side, today former Texas Governor Rick Perry announced he is running for president. While growing up he wanted to be a veterinarian, but his grades weren't good enough. Luckily for us, now he wants to be in charge of people." –Jimmy Fallon

"On the Today Show this morning, BP executive Bob Dudley said that CEO Tony Hayward is committed to BP, and BP is committed to Tony Hayward. Oh, good. Because our number one concern here is, how are you guys doing?" –Jimmy Fallon

Since a judge approved AT&T's merger with Time Warner, experts say it could open up the door for other big companies to merge. We took a look at some companies we'd like to see merge, just because of what they could rename themselves. I'll show you what I mean. For example, if Saks Fifth Avenue and Citigroup merged, they'd be "Saks and the Citi." If Myspace and eBay merged, they'd be "my bae." If Chili's and Netflix merged, they'd be "Netflix and Chili's." And finally, if Bonobos and Dunkin' Donuts merged, they'd be "Bo-Dunk-a-Dunk." --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

also answering the question: what would happen if meth smoked itself? (Wait 'til she meets Jesus)

 

“I don’t understand how Donald Trump has never heard of the person in charge of finding the vaccine to the disease that has shut down the entire world — and don’t tell me it’s because he’s too busy. I mean, this is the same man — the same man who says he’s been watching every nightly news show plus CNN, MSNBC in the morning, Fox News on weekend afternoons, and even reruns of baseball. Reruns! Let me tell you something: If you have time to watch reruns of baseball, you have time for anything. Baseball is boring when it’s happening. Watching it in reruns is like watching paint dry through a PowerPoint presentation.” — Trevor Noah

“The only story that everybody’s talking about right now is Tiger King, the new Netflix series that’s somehow even more viral than Covid-19. The five-hour docu-series taking over conversations across America is the most fascinating show you’ve ever seen. It exposes the sordid and loopy world of exotic animal breeding in America, while also answering the question: what would happen if meth smoked itself?” —Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Come back, please! I can change! Do you want DVDs again? (Is there a real-life Squid Game?)

April 2022

“Today, Netflix stock price dropped over 35 percent after they announced they had lost 200,000 subscribers. That’s a lot. Explains why they’ve changed their pop-up message from ‘Are you still watching?’ to ‘Come back, please! I can change! Do you want DVDs again?’” —Stephen Colbert

“Now, now, there are many reasons why Netflix subscriptions are down, all right? Password sharing, inflation, Regé-Jean Page leaving ‘Bridgerton.’ Yeah, I’m sorry, you want us to pay 15 bucks a month without that [expletive]? I don’t think so.” —Trevor Noah

“Right now Netflix is so desperate for money, they’re now Googling ‘Is there a real-life Squid Game’?” —Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey, get your own excuses (You Got This)

April 2022

“Netflix just announced that for the first time in over a decade, they lost subscribers, and now their stock is crashing. Yeah, not only did their stock plummet, but it turns out that all the cash they had in the bank was just cake.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Netflix is blaming their losses on fierce competition, inflation and Russia. When he heard that, President Biden was like, ‘Hey, get your own excuses.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Yep, Netflix is losing money — you can tell it’s having an effect on all of their shows. For instance, ‘Emily in Paris’ is now ‘Emily in Pittsburgh.’ It’s still good. Also, ‘The Crown’ is now ‘The Hat.’” —Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Yeah, but you get unlimited breadsticks (Why Not Us?)

March 2014

"Vladimir Putin is a goon, a stooge, and a thug. Not only did he invade Crimea, but he shut down 'meet-Russian-women.com.'" –David Letterman

"Osama bin Laden's son-in-law is on trial right now. He produced all of al-Qaida's videos. Not only is he on trial but he would like to let you know that the first season is available on Netflix." –David Letterman

"In town right now is President Obama for a fundraiser — $32,000 a plate. People say, 'That's crazy.' Yeah, but you get unlimited breadsticks." –David Letterman

"President Obama's wife Michelle has highlighted her hair. She has blond highlights in her hair. And those will probably be the only highlights of his second term." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s all good. Taste the rainbow (full body orgasms)

October 2021

This week former White House, I wanna say, garbage man Steve Bannon was held in contempt of congress. But this is what Bannon wants. It plays into his whole persecuted messiah complex. So Bannon is similar to Jesus in that he looks like he’s been dead for three days. —Colin Jost

The FDA authorized the mixing and matching of booster shots and vaccines. As we enter the just winging it phase of the pandemic. Seriously, when it comes to medication, when has your doctor ever said just mix and match. It’s all good. Taste the rainbow. —Colin Jost

In the latest episode of Gwyneth Paltrow’s new Netflix show “Sex, Love and Goop,” a sexologist explained how people can experience full body orgasms, while clothed, without touching. Which also happens when your mom watches Bridgerton. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”