and if the next 9 billion things go their way, we can finally call it even (Okay, fine. I’ll pay extra for my bags, but only if I get a pilot)

Does anyone here have plans to travel over the holidays? Well, you might have to check your flights because American Airlines just experienced a computer glitch that has allowed all their pilots to take vacation at the same time, meaning that thousands of flights in December have no one to fly them. This is all part of American Airlines’ new campaign to make the rest of their services seem less awful. “Okay, fine. I’ll pay extra for my bags, but only if I get a pilot.” –James Corden

The Dakota Access oil pipeline, which the Sioux tribe has been protesting for months, will no longer be routed through their land. It’s a big win for Native Americans — and if the next 9 billion things go their way, we can finally call it even. –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They left the game early to beat traffic (Just let it ring)

Pringles is selling a line of scented candles in the U.K. that smell like different Pringles flavors. They said they tried selling them in the U.S., but people ate them. –Jimmy Fallon

American Airlines accidentally sent someone's pet corgi to Honolulu instead of Jackson, Mississippi. The owner frantically called the airport in Hawaii, but the dog was like, “Just let it ring.” –Jimmy Fallon

The Philadelphia 76ers set a new record for the longest losing streak in American sports history, with 28 losses in a row since last season. You know the 76ers are bad when THEY leave the game early to beat traffic. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’ll pay extra for my bags, but only if I get a pilot (a live goose and an axe)

On a recent flight from Singapore to Japan, a passenger on a budget airline asked for a cup of water and the flight attendant gave him a cup of ice and told him to wait for the ice to melt. But it got worse. The passenger asked for a down pillow and the flight attendant handed him a live goose and an axe. --James Corden

There’s exciting news from the world of technology, experts say that in the future sex with robots will become so popular that it could replace sex with humans by 2050. So, basically, in the very near future, instead of texting “U up?” you’ll be texting “U on?” –James Corden

Anyone here have plans to travel over the holidays? Well, you might have to check your flights because American Airlines just experienced a computer glitch that has allowed all their pilots to take vacation at the same time, meaning that thousands of flights in December have no one to fly them. This is all part of American Airlines’ new campaign to make the rest of their services seem less awful. “Okay, fine. I’ll pay extra for my bags, but only if I get a pilot.” –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Get pregnant with us (Like)

American Airlines has introduced a new first-class option called Flagship Suites that features privacy doors, a cool-touch pillow, and a lie-flat bed. Which explains their new slogan: American Airlines. Get pregnant with us. —Colin Jost

A Lamborghini yacht off the coast of Miami Beach sank while carrying more than 30 social-media influencers. Like. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's just like the regular marathon but half as stupid (first class)

After an American Airlines plane caught fire in Denver passengers were forced to stand on the wing, or as Spirit Airlines calls it, first class. —Greg Gutfeld

On Sunday the New York City Half Marathon is set to take place. It's just like the regular New York City marathon but half as stupid. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

if Wall Street executives are doing well, regular Americans are doing well (I’ll pay extra for my bags, but only if I get a pilot)

Today, the people of Massachusetts, where the first legal marijuana dispensaries opened and in the town of North Hampton, the first person in line to purchase weed was the mayor. There’s no word if the mayor used the marijuana, but he did spend the first twenty minutes of a press conference giggling about how Massachusetts has the word “a**” in it.  --James Corden

Today, the stock market hit an all-time high. Which is great news, because if there's one thing we've learned over the past decade it’s that if Wall Street executives are doing well, regular Americans are doing well. –James Corden

Anyone here have plans to travel over the holidays? Well, you might have to check your flights because American Airlines just experienced a computer glitch that has allowed all their pilots to take vacation at the same time, meaning that thousands of flights in December have no one to fly them. This is all part of American Airlines’ new campaign to make the rest of their services seem less awful. “Okay, fine. I’ll pay extra for my bags, but only if I get a pilot.” –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I regret nothing (Well, congrats on the payday, Eric.)

There is speculation over whether Taylor Swift would attend the Super Bowl now that her beau Travis Kelce will be playing for the Kansas City Chiefs, who take on the San Francisco 49ers in Las Vegas in two weeks. The whole thing has been great for the NFL and for dads who struggle to bond with their teenage daughters. Swift mania has fully taken over the NFL, he noted, as American Airlines announced it would rename the flight from Kansas City to Las Vegas for the game to AA1989, in honor of Swift’s album and also the last year they checked the bolts on that plane. — Stephen Colbert

It’s still unclear whether the pop star will be able to attend the game, as she is scheduled to perform a concert in Tokyo the day before. It’s just too stressful! Why can’t she just do a concert closer, like Paris or Venice or New York? They’re all there, in Vegas. Of course, I hope Taylor makes it, because I really want to watch the Apple Music Super Bowl Half-time Show starring Shaky Footage of Taylor Swift Cheering in a Skybox, featuring Usher. — Stephen Colbert

In other news, a New York jury ordered Donald Trump to pay a whopping $83.3m to E Jean Carroll for defamation. The former columnist promised to ‘give the money to something Donald Trump hates’. Well, congrats on the payday, Eric.  — Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Not percent — people. (Just let it ring)

A new poll shows Donald Trump has 36 percent support among

Republicans and Ted Cruz is in second place with 16 percent.

Meanwhile, Jeb Bush is at 3. Not percent — people.

–Jimmy Fallon

American Airlines accidentally sent someone's pet corgi to Honolulu instead of Jackson, Mississippi. The owner frantically called the airport in Hawaii, but the dog was like, “Just let it ring.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I got you a very special package, mine. (Double-edged sword)

Let’s talk about Donald Trump, because we do it every night. He said that he may skip the next Republican debate on CNN unless the network pays him $5 million. But CNN laughed it off, saying, “We don't have $5 million.” –Jimmy Fallon

In a recent interview, Donald Trump's daughter Ivanka said that there are times when she disagrees with her father. But then there are MORE times when she likes the idea of inheriting a billion dollars. Double-edged sword. –Jimmy Fallon

American Airlines accidentally sent someone's pet corgi to Honolulu instead of Jackson, Mississippi. The owner frantically called the airport in Hawaii, but the dog was like, “Just let it ring.” –Jimmy Fallon

"Thank you, the TSA, for celebrating your 10th birthday this month. I got you a very special package, mine." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In fact the coronavirus is so deadly to black Americans, it’s being suspended with pay (Sorry, that was our other engine)

February 2021

Just like me when I’m drunk. Congress decided to spend a bunch of money at 2:30 in the morning when they passed a 1.9 Trillion dollar stimulus bill. Senator Lindsey Graham said he’s very pleased that the bill will not include an increase in the minimum wage. Because over the years Graham has actually grown to love the taste of fast food worker spit. —Colin Jost

Tomorrow night Donald Trump will give the key note address at the Conservative Political Action Conference. For a preview of Trump’s speech give your grandpa cocaine. —Colin Jost

During the Golden Globes this Sunday a new commercial will air that will be the first to ever show lactating breasts on television. Unfortunately, those breasts belong to the Green M&M. —Colin Jost

The FDA has authorized a vaccine from New Jersey based company Johnson & Johnson. Johnson & Johnson will now pair the vaccine with needles from New Jersey’s number one syringe supplier. The beach. —Michael Che

An American Airlines pilot reported that during a flight over New Mexico he saw a long cylinder object come close to his plane. Sorry that was just our engine, said United. —Michael Che

A sailor who fell overboard survived for fourteen hours in the Pacific Ocean by floating on a large piece of garbage. Sorry, that was our other engine, said United. —Michael Che

A new study shows that the coronavirus lower the average life expectancy for black Americans by three years. In fact the coronavirus is so deadly to black Americans, it’s being suspended with pay. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A poet that belongs with the Masters. A magisterial collection. A combination of 

Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Sir, if you don't order now you'll miss the early bird special (He had such a promising career as a pirate)

"Yesterday John McCain announced, 'We must bring about a regime change in North Korea.' To which the waitress replied, "Sir, if you don't order now you'll miss the early bird special." –Jay Leno

"A 19-year-old Somali man was arrested in Portland for allegedly planning to detonate a bomb at a Christmas tree lighting ceremony. His parents are devastated. He had such a promising career as a pirate." –Jay Leno

"American Airlines is going to offer happy hour on its flights in December. TSA is feeling us up. The airline is giving us free booze. We don't even have to make Friday night plans anymore. Just book a flight." –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Hey, if you’re freeing hostages, can I go too? (she was asked to feed everyone in coach)

Three American citizens were released today after being held prisoner in North Korea for as long as two years. But when they found out Donald Trump is the president, they immediately fled back to North Korea. --Conan O’Brien

An American Airlines employee berated a young mom for carrying a breast pump. Although it’s still better than the time the same mom was on Spirit Airlines and she was asked to feed everyone in coach. --Conan O’Brien

Three American hostages detained in North Korea have been set free. Melania Trump asked, “Hey, if you’re freeing hostages, can I go too?” --Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Okay, fine. I’ll pay extra for my bags, but only if I get a pilot (the president’s mental health)

Meanwhile, the co-author of Donald Trump’s book, “The Art of the Deal,” says that according to two secret sources, White House staffers are starting to express concern over the president’s mental health. Wow, that’s some great investigative journalism right there. Or he could have just checked Twitter! –James Corden

Anyone here have plans to travel over the holidays? Well, you might have to check your flights because American Airlines just experienced a computer glitch that has allowed all their pilots to take vacation at the same time, meaning that thousands of flights in December have no one to fly them. This is all part of American Airlines’ new campaign to make the rest of their services seem less awful. “Okay, fine. I’ll pay extra for my bags, but only if I get a pilot.” –James Corden

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #JohnHulse #collectedpoems #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

Your ever-changing lies keep undermining my falsehoods (fortune cookies)

President Trump gave a commencement speech at Liberty University on Saturday and he said, “Always have the courage to be yourself and chase your dreams.” Then he stopped talking because he ran out of fortune cookies. –Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday, 39-year-old Emmanuel Macron became the youngest president in French history. You can tell he’s young ’cause after they swore him in, his first words in his speech were, “So, that just happened.” –Jimmy Fallon

American Airlines says it’s getting rid of seat-back TV screens, because most people bring a device with them. While United’s doing the same thing on their flights, because most people just watch the live entertainment. –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

Trump asked what motivated her to stay in space so long, Whitson answered, “You.”

American Airlines is under fire after one of its flight attendants allegedly yanked a stroller away from a mother with a baby. Passengers were outraged that the attendant took the stroller and not the baby. –Conan O’Brien

Today, Astronaut Peggy Whitson set a record for the longest time spent in space by an American astronaut, and got a congratulatory call from President Trump. When Trump asked what motivated her to stay in space so long, Whitson answered, “You.” –Conan O’Brien

Over the weekend, musician Kenny G was on a Delta flight and gave a brief performance. Passengers are describing the performance as “not brief enough.” –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

It turns out that the guy who killed Osama bin Laden was Ron Jeremy (blow a whistle)

According to a new survey, 44 percent of people would rather take a longer flight that costs more than fly United Airlines. When they heard this, American Airlines said, “Done and done.” –Conan O’Brien

It’s come out that a Navy SEAL has been moonlighting for seven years as a porn star. Even more surprising: It turns out that the guy who killed Osama bin Laden was Ron Jeremy. –Conan O’Brien

Today at the White House Easter festivities, Melania Trump kicked things off by blowing a whistle. Then again, most women standing near Donald Trump end up having to blow a whistle. –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

JOKES: Set the Nation Backward Day (Miami to New York in 16 minutes)

Thirty-one pounds of cocaine have been found hidden in the nose of an American Airlines jet. Authorities became suspicious when the plane flew from Miami to New York in 16 minutes. –Conan O’Brien

January 31st is National Backward Day. Not to be confused with January 20th, which was Set the Nation Backward Day. –James Corden

The world’s first supermarket chain to only sell vegan foods, which was called Veganz with a “z,” has announced they will have to declare bankruptcy and shut all their stores. When asked what went wrong, the vegan supermarket said, “Well, we’re a vegan supermarket.” –James Corden

he wasn't counting that three-year run by the Spice Girls (snakes on a plane)

"The big story still is the big terror plot foiled in Britain. Earlier today, a top official in England said, 'Britain is living through its most frightening time since the second World War.' Of course, he wasn't counting that three-year run by the Spice Girls." --Conan O'Brien

"Today President Bush said the United States is still under the threat of attack. Then he went back on vacation. I don't think President Bush really understands the severity of this situation. Like when they first told Bush about the terrorist plot against the airlines, he said, 'Let me guess, snakes on a plane?'" --Jay Leno

"Officials say these terrorists targeted United, American and Continental Airlines. You know what that means? Even terrorists won't fly Southwest." --Jay Leno

 

How can 59,054,087 people be so dumb?

Pringles is selling a line of scented candles in the U.K. that smell like different Pringles flavors. They said they tried selling them in the U.S., but people ate them. –Jimmy Fallon

American Airlines accidentally sent someone's pet corgi to Honolulu instead of Jackson, Mississippi. The owner frantically called the airport in Hawaii, but the dog was like, “Just let it ring.” –Jimmy Fallon

A California man won a $1,000 lottery prize and immediately bought more tickets and won $10 million more. So another round of congratulations to Mark Zuckerberg! –Conan O’Brien

I think we're back to normal, everyone!

New York has a team in the World Series and Donald Trump is no longer ahead in the polls — I think we're back to normal, everyone! –Jimmy Fallon

Paul Ryan finally agreed to run for Speaker of the House even though he’s repeatedly said he didn't want to run. So basically, Paul Ryan is that guy at karaoke who just pretends like he doesn't want to sing. –Jimmy Fallon

Some good news for people who are making holiday travel plans: American Airlines just announced that it will start offering “no-frills” tickets that don't cost as much. The discounted tickets eliminate previously free services such as snacks, seat selection, or destination selection. “Oh, you wanted the East Coast of THIS country?" –Jimmy Fallon