Hey, my record slurs for itself (It's our job to do the exact opposite)

This week, a truck carrying 40,000 pounds of vodka overturned in North Carolina. The driver is fine. He said he’s shaken, but not stirred. –Jimmy Fallon

"This week, our pal Rob Ford faced off against his four challengers in a debate for Toronto mayor. His opponents were, of course, pretty critical of his performance, but Ford said, 'Hey, my record slurs for itself.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Cicadas are coming back next month. These unusual insects spend almost all of their lives in holes underground and only emerge once every 17 years to mate. Sort of like any couple with a Netflix account. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Never forget what you're fighting for (3-wood/Smirnoff 100)

Kamala Harris told Rachel Maddow that her race against Trump ended up being the closest presidential election in the 21st century. When asked about proof, she said, “I prefer Smirnoff 100.” —Greg Gutfeld

New York Governor Kathy Hochul was booed by fans when she was brought up on stage at the Ryder Cup Golf Tournament. But the worst moment came when golfers mistook her face for a 3-wood. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

or as Kamala Harris calls it, cutting back (the guy who just started paying attention)

So illegal aliens detained at Alligator Alcatraz are mad because their ham sandwiches aren't toasted. Meanwhile, the alligators are complaining that the detainees aren’t toasted either. —Greg Gutfeld

In that now infamous interview making the rounds, Hunter Biden said that illegal immigrants do all the jobs that nobody wants to. For example, harvesting, processing, and selling him cocaine. Hunter also said he thinks of Kamala Harris as family, promising that if she ever passed away, he would immediately bang her husband Doug. But he also says that he loves Kamala like his own daughter, which of course is a stretch because he's met Kamala.  —Greg Gutfeld

The president's son also admitted that while he was using, he was drinking a half gallon of vodka a day or as Kamala Harris calls it, cutting back. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The four morons of the apocalypse (the best thing that’s ever happened to rabbit bachelorette parties)

Authorities in Florida are searching for two men who left an injured alligator at a convenience store. Said the alligator, "No, no, it's cool. They said they'd see me later." --Seth Meyers

Two Australian farmers recently created a kind of vodka made from carrots. It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to rabbit bachelorette parties. –Seth Meyers

The big day finally arrived. Beyoncé gave birth to twins this weekend. And this is surprising: Their names are Kevin and Linda. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The same thing happened when she tried to enter SuperCuts (overwhelmingly vodka)

When Maxine Waters tried to enter an ICE detention center She had the door slammed in her face. The same thing happened when she tried to enter SuperCuts. —Greg Gutfeld

Kamala Harris said the Los Angeles protests were overwhelmingly peaceful, just like her water is overwhelmingly vodka. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What would they be doing differently? (your kids would get an employee discount)

A new report shows that if iPhones were manufactured in the U.S., they could cost up to $3,500, which is a lot. But remember, your kids would get an employee discount. —Michael Che

President Trump responded to the fallout from his tariffs saying, "Sometimes, you have to take medicine to fix something.” Yeah, but this feels like we took a whole bottle of medicine with a glass of vodka and laid in a warm bath. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to rabbit bachelorette parties (it contains hidden messages about love in an elevator)

Two Australian farmers recently created a kind of vodka made from carrots. It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to rabbit bachelorette parties. –Seth Meyers

After Melania Trump was spotted wearing the jacket, her spokesperson said, "It's a jacket. There was no hidden message." Hidden? It was literally spelled out. That's like saying, "If you play an Aerosmith song forwards, it contains hidden messages about love in an elevator." --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That means if you bet just one dollar... you will lose just one dollar (He said he’s shaken, but not stirred)

Meanwhile, the New York Jets are 1000-to-1 long shots to win the Super Bowl. That means if you bet just one dollar... you will lose just one dollar. –Jimmy Fallon

This week, a truck carrying 40,000 pounds of vodka overturned in North Carolina. The driver is fine. He said he’s shaken, but not stirred. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If your dad offers you a million dollars, say yes. (spirit animals)

Nickelodeon is bringing back the popular preschoolers' TV show "Blue's Clues." There's one slight change – Blue only solves triple homicides. --Conan O’Brien

At the White House today, President Trump gave advice to a group of schoolchildren and he told them to “work hard.” Trump also told them, “If your dad offers you a million dollars, say yes.” –Conan O’Brien

"Today residents of L.A. are voting on a tax on anything sold in a medical marijuana dispensary. If the measure passes the city could be solvent within 45 minutes." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to rabbit bachelorette parties (poverty exploiters)

Two Australian farmers recently created a kind of vodka made from carrots. It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to rabbit bachelorette parties. –Seth Meyers

The big day finally arrived. Beyoncé gave birth to twins this weekend. And this is surprising: Their names are Kevin and Linda. –Seth Meyers

Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen yesterday dismissed demands that President Trump unilaterally end the practice of separating families at the border, and said, "Congress can fix this tomorrow." Really? Have you MET Congress? They're still finalizing the Louisiana Purchase. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's called "Uh-oh, hold my hair." (I was told there would be no spelling)

Liquor brand Svedk will release a new product that combines rosé and vodka. It's called "Uh-oh, hold my hair." --Seth Meyers

Many women wore suffragette white to tonight's State of the Union address while President Trump wore angry tangerine number 6. --Seth Meyers

After a racist photo from his 1984 yearbook page resurfaced over the weekend, Virginia governor Ralph Northam reportedly told staffers yesterday that he is reluctant to step down because he is afraid of leaving office and being labeled as a racist for life. Yeah, that's the kind of thing that could follow you all the way to the White House. By the way, Racist for Life is also the 5K that Jeff Sessions runs in every spring. --Seth Meyers

During the State of the Union address, Republicans broke out into chants of "USA, USA." Said Betsy DeVos, "I was told there would be no spelling." --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Oh, so that’s why my dad called (I thought it was illegal to put cameras in bathrooms)

October 2022

A new skyscraper is being designed in San Francisco featuring a clear glass cube on top that will appear to be floating. And then a week later, appear to be covered in dead birds. —Colin Jost

And Tuesday was National Vodka Day…Oh, so that’s why my dad called. —Colin Jost

Moscow is urging all U.S. citizens in Russia to leave immediately. ‘Oh, cool, I’ll try to do that’, said Brittney Griner. —Colin Jost

It was announced that by 2025, New York will install cameras in every subway car. Huh? I thought it was illegal to put cameras in bathrooms. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the League of Women Fishermen said they'd love it if I spoke at their Birthday Flounder Fest (rabbit bachelorette parties)

Two Australian farmers recently created a kind of vodka made from carrots. It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to rabbit bachelorette parties. –Seth Meyers

President Trump repeated his false statement today that crime is up in Germany and said the numbers may appear lower because officials don't want to report the crimes. Dude, you want us to believe you've been poring over secret unreleased German crime statistics? You haven't even read your own autobiography. --Seth Meyers

President Trump today spoke to the National Federation of Independent Businesses. Am I crazy or is he just making up fake organizations to speak to because he's afraid to talk to actual voters? "Oh, you hate me because of my immigration policies? Funny, because the League of Women Fishermen said they'd love it if I spoke at their Birthday Flounder Fest." --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The liberal Fox News warned you about (No word yet on brides)

March 2022

Dubai has opened the Museum of the Future, which attempts to show what the world will be like in 50 years. Let’s just say the museum does not feature a polar bear exhibit. —Michael Che

A new study says that 11% of Americans are afraid of the dark. Especially if that dark is behind them at the ATM. —Michael Che

Serena Williams criticized the New York Times after it mistakenly printed a picture of her sister, Venus Williams, and labeled it Serena. Worse the Times then sent an apology letter to Wendy Williams. —Michael Che

Governors in several states including New Hampshire, Ohio and Utah have banned the sale of Russian-made vodka. No word yet on brides. —Michael Che

Many of the members of congress attending the State of the Union wore blue and yellow to show their support for Ukraine. While Kamala Harris wore all brown to do what she’s done for the past year, disappear into the background. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Yes, ‘Low Death Summer,’ my favorite Beach Boys album (we definitely needed more vodka)

May 2021

“Covid cases in the U.S. have dropped to the lowest level in almost a year. Pretty soon the only place you’ll see Dr. Fauci is popping out of a costume on ‘The Masked Singer.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“As of yesterday nearly 50 percent of all Americans have gotten at least one dose, and Covid deaths are as low as they’ve been since last summer. Yes, ‘Low Death Summer,’ my favorite Beach Boys album.” —Stephen Colbert

“Covid's at a low. It’s out, it’s getting drunk at lunch, wearing a bathrobe in public — that’s how low it’s gotten.” —James Corden

“Stores are slashing prices of hand sanitizer to get a glut of product off their shelves. Remember how hard it was to get? It was like gold. I actually bought the ingredients to make it at home. And then I was reading and I was like, forget it, this is too complicated. The demand for hand sanitizer was so huge that a lot of vodka producers switched their factories over to making the hand sanitizer, which turned out to be a bad move; we didn’t need more hand sanitizer, but we definitely needed more vodka.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Nice work, Don Burgundy. You’re doing great (when your fingers are covered in dippin’ sauce that happens)

In his speech, Trump referred to “those who perished in Toledo,”not Dayton. “And by the way, the word ‘Toledo’ wasn’t even in the teleprompter. Somebody got this shot: It clearly says Texas and Ohio. Nice work, Don Burgundy. You’re doing great.” --Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump gets a lot wrong, but he outdid himself today. Today, he became the first president of the United States ever to misspell his own name.” --Jimmy Kimmel, on the president misspelling his own name during a tweet (Trump spelled his last name Ttump)

“Donald ‘Ttump’? I guess when your fingers are covered in dippin’ sauce that happens.” --Jimmy Kimmel

“How could Trump misspell his own name when it’s on his buildings, his golf courses, his vodka, his water and all the casinos he bankrupted? It’s everywhere.” --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

And Leonardo DiCaprio has already been on all the rides (I know how to cure her)

Supermodel Tyra Banks has announced she'll be opening a beauty-focused theme park later this year called Modelland. And Leonardo DiCaprio has already been on all the rides. --Seth Meyers

Liquor brand Svedk will release a new product that combines rosé and vodka. It's called "Uh-oh, hold my hair." --Seth Meyers

And finally, a woman in Germany is claiming to be in love with an airplane. "I know how to cure her," said Spirit Airlines. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Which explains their first choice -- Mary Poppins (Show Me Your Papers)

Trump’s Chief of Staff John Kelly is out at the end of the year. He’s leaving to not spend more time with Trump’s family. --Jimmy Kimmel

President Trump's chief of staff John Kelly is leaving the White House. It won't take long to pack up his office, because the only things in his desk are some Tylenol and a bottle of vodka. --Jimmy Fallon

Well, now the administration is looking for a new chief of staff to bring order to the White House and improve Trump's behavior. Which explains their first choice -- Mary Poppins. --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

He said he’s shaken, but not stirred (40,000 pounds of vodka)

Last night Kim Jong Un released a rare statement attacking President Trump and referred to him as a dotard. Then Trump said, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words I don’t know will never hurt me.” –Jimmy Fallon

This week, a truck carrying 40,000 pounds of vodka overturned in North Carolina. The driver is fine. He said he’s shaken, but not stirred. –Jimmy Fallon

Pretty sick burn on our president, to which I have to say: Knock it off, North Korea. You are not allowed to insult OUR leader like that. Sure, I’ve had my problems with President Trump, such as everything he has said and done. But I’m not going to stand here as an American and let somebody from another country talk smack about our president! WE can do it, OK? Membership has its privileges. –Stephen Colbert

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

And today, God said... (rabbit bachelorette parties)

The big day finally arrived. Beyoncé gave birth to twins this weekend. And this is surprising: Their names are Kevin and Linda. –Seth Meyers

Two Australian farmers recently created a kind of vodka made from carrots. It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to rabbit bachelorette parties. –Seth Meyers

"She said at her church, Governor Palin, said she asked everyone to pray for a natural gas pipeline, which she said was God’s will. And today, God said, "Hey lady, I don't deal with oil companies. That's more Satan's area.'" --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern @justicedems @BrandNew535