Who wouldn't want a piece of this? (If that doesn't get people to start watching soccer, nothing will)

"It was not a great weekend for the American soccer fan. We're still recovering from a draw with Portugal, 2-2. It was a long game, four points total, and America didn't win. If that doesn't get people to start watching soccer, nothing will." –Craig Ferguson

"Italy was eliminated from the World Cup. Italians were running through the streets waving their hands around, screaming at each other. Then they heard about the World Cup." –Craig Ferguson

"Dick Cheney has a new book coming out August 30. It doesn't have a title yet, Might I suggest a few. 'How to Shoot Friends and Influence People,' 'A Dick for All Seasons,' 'Torture in the Rye'..." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Does this mean I can eat for free at any Olive Garden? (General Tso's Motors)

"As part of their restructuring plan, General Motors is selling off an entire division to a Chinese company. The new division will be called General Tso's Motors." --Jimmy Fallon

After their meeting, the Pope gave President Trump a medal featuring an olive branch. When Trump received it, he asked, “Does this mean I can eat for free at any Olive Garden? Or just here in Italy?” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Coming in second, Cindy Hitler (He now faces three counts of impersonating a wife)

The granddaughter of Italian dictator Bonito Mussolini won Italy's version of Celebrity Big Brother. Coming in second, Cindy Hitler. —Greg Gutfeld

A cult leader has been indicted on charges for controlling followers through fear, forced labor, and sex. He now faces three counts of impersonating a wife. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

anyone but J.D. Vance (3 stages of truth)

Well, this week Secretary of State Marco Rubio traveled to Italy to meet with Pope Leo in an attempt to repair the U.S. relationship with the Vatican after the Pope requested anyone but J.D. Vance. —Colin Jost

During their meeting, Marco Rubio also presented the Pope with a gift of an egg-shaped crystal, which he bought on his favorite religious website, AdamAndEve.com. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's the same technology they use to make fondue over at The View (The 1% that it does work for)

By the way, this year's Olympics will feature women's team curling. This is all part of an effort to show that some women still know how to use a broom. —Greg Gutfeld

At this year's Winter Olympics opening ceremony in Italy, two giant cauldrons were lit simultaneously. Fun fact, it's the same technology they use to make fondue over at The View. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey, as long as it's the bottom half, baby (“Oh Lord!” said the Jamaican bobsled team)

A new study finds that by the year 2035, nearly half of American adults will be obese. Hey, as long as it's the bottom half, baby. —Michael Che

Relationship experts are warning that asking a person "How are you?" is a useless way to start a conversation, which is why I always open with "How much?” —Michael Che

It was reported that ICE agents will have a small security role at the Winter Olympics in Italy. “Oh Lord!” said the Jamaican bobsled team. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Just have the cigarette after (he only haunts the people he cares about)

Italy's Prime Minister Giorgia Meloni joked that she'd kill someone if she had to stop smoking. Hillary Clinton responded, "Just have the cigarette after.” —Greg Gutfeld  

During a recent interview, Kamala Harris made it clear that Joe Biden is ghosting her. The Biden's comforted Kamala telling her Joe only haunts the people he cares about. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Lawmakers in Jamaica are considering a bill to legalize marijuana (The bad news is that they're capturing it with ducks)

"Lawmakers in Jamaica are now considering a bill that would legalize marijuana. Let me repeat myself: Lawmakers in Jamaica are considering a bill to legalize marijuana. In related news, lawmakers in Italy are considering a bill to legalize spaghetti, and lawmakers in Ireland are considering a bill to legalize whiskey." –Jimmy Fallon

"Here's a little bit of good news. The Coast Guard says that BP is now catching up to 630,000 gallons of oil a day. The bad news is that they're capturing it with ducks." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

this must’ve been what it felt like when they opened the first Olive Garden (truck nuts)

I’m actually surprised at how excited I was when I heard this. An American who grew up here, watched all the shows we watched, rooted for our teams is now in Rome at the head of the church. Italy and America – this must’ve been what it felt like when they opened the first Olive Garden. —Jimmy Kimmel

Thursday was an exciting day for Catholics and for America, as Cardinal Robert Francis Prevost was elected the new pope. Against all odds, he is one of us. An American pope. The pope-mobile is now a Ford F-250 with truck nuts. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the judge will ask them to tell a story with only the relevant details (all she needs to do is wait a few weeks/Road Closed)

This week a biotech startup got FDA approval to develop a drug to make dogs live longer guaranteeing at least another season of The View. —Greg Gutfeld

The Olympic Track and Field Governing Body announced it will perform tests on female athletes to make sure that they are biological women. So what’s the test? Well the judge will ask them to tell a story with only the relevant details. —Greg Gutfeld

Italian model Victoria Seretti says it's annoying when people call her Leonardo DiCaprio's girlfriend. Well fortunately at age 26 all she needs to do is wait a few weeks. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This is a job for alcohol! (They make $10 bills?)

One of the contestants during last night’s Miss USA Pageant said she wished Oprah Winfrey was eligible to replace Alexander Hamilton on the $10 bill. To which Oprah responded, “They make $10 bills?” –Seth Meyers

An Italian winery is releasing five limited-edition bottles of Hello Kitty-themed wine for the holiday season. It’s the perfect gift for your alcoholic niece. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wow, someone woke up on the wrong side of the tanning bed (Ooh, I said no pepperoni)

Italian chefs recently set a new world record after making a mile-long pizza that took five ovens and over 11 hours to bake. It got weird when the person who ordered the pizza was like, "Ooh, I said no pepperoni." –Jimmy Fallon

A new Election Commission report just came out saying that the Trump campaign isn't doing so well financially, and is practically broke. It's not good — in fact today, Trump stole a bunch of towels from his own hotel. –Jimmy Fallon

On Sunday, Trump sent a tweet that said, "If Iran wants to fight, it will be the official end of Iran. Never threaten the United States again." Yeah. And Iran was like, "Wow, someone woke up on the wrong side of the tanning bed." --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He described the attack as 'al dente.' (I hope it's not the same 47 percent I don't care about)

At the debate on Tuesday Democratic candidate Lincoln Chafee bragged about the fact that in 30 years of public service, he’s never had one scandal. Well, it just came out that Chafee once used taxpayer money to buy frogs for his office aquarium. People said, “Well at least it wasn't a sex scandal.” And Chafee said, “Riiiight…” –Jimmy Fallon

"This is crazy. Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi was hit in the face at a rally in Rome yesterday. Berlusconi said he wasn't hit too hard, or too soft. He described the attack as 'al dente.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new poll found that only 47 percent of voters find Mitt Romney to be trustworthy. Then Romney was like, 'Well, I hope it's not the same 47 percent I don't care about.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which means that 15 percent of the time it’s just a pigeon staring at your boobs (to be truly radical)

An Italian winery is releasing five limited-edition bottles of Hello Kitty-themed wine for the holiday season. It’s the perfect gift for your alcoholic niece. –Seth Meyers

A new study has found that specially trained pigeons can have up to an 85 percent accuracy rate of detecting breast cancer in humans. Which means that 15 percent of the time it’s just a pigeon staring at your boobs. –Seth Meyers

President Trump said today that he will never, ever back down from his demand for a border wall. I have to say, I'm really starting to miss the old days, when if Trump had a stupid idea, it just went out of business. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He described the attack as 'al dente.' (make E.T. pay for it)

"Hey, last night I watched Oprah's White House Christmas special. President Obama told Oprah he deserves a 'solid B-plus' for his first year in office. That's a big improvement from our last president, who for the last eight years received a 'WTF.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"This is crazy. Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi was hit in the face at a rally in Rome yesterday. Berlusconi said he wasn't hit too hard, or too soft. He described the attack as 'al dente.'" –Jimmy Fallon

It was revealed that the Pentagon had a top secret program to investigate UFO’s and aliens. Which is why Trump announced plans to build a dome over the earth and make E.T. pay for it. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

How many homeless families does it take to make a billionaire? (Omaha bin Laden)

 

"Let's begin tonight right here in New York, New York. The city's so nice, it was attacked by international terrorists twice. So naturally, last week, the Department of Homeland Security announced a cut in anti-terrorism grants to New York and Washington, D.C. by 40%. Now to some, cutting anti-terror money to the two cities that have already suffered major terrorist attacks might sound, I don't know, insane. So, if New York's funding is being slashed, where is all the money going? Apparently, it's being used to boost the defense budgets of terrorist hot spots like Charlotte, Louisville and Omaha, Nebraska. Apparently, Homeland Security distributes the terror funds on the basis of what item your city has the world's largest ball of. Now, I can understand the concern over Omaha. That city is of course under constant threat from renowned Midwestern terrorist Omaha bin Laden." --Jon Stewart

"President Bush was in Baghdad for six hours. You weren't even in the real Baghdad. You were in the Green Zone. That's like going to the Olive Garden and saying you've been to Italy." –Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

The floor recognizes the representative from Margaritaville! (On the downside, he’s now banned from Victoria’s Secret)

"There are reports that several members of Congress were actually drinking last night while they were debating the bill that could have avoided the government shutdown. Which explains that one part where they said, 'The floor recognizes the representative from Margaritaville!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Today marked the eighth anniversary of the start of the war in Afghanistan. Dick Cheney celebrated by champagne boarding himself." --Jimmy Fallon

A man from Italy just set a Guinness World Record by putting on 13 pairs of underwear in 30 seconds. On the downside, he’s now banned from Victoria’s Secret. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

eating shrimp at the strip club buffet (You said it, baby)

“And by the way, this isn’t hypothetical. We already know Trump's rally in Tulsa led to a surge in cases there. At this point, Trump rallies are on the list of high-risk activities, just like doorknob licking, hugging everyone on the subway and eating shrimp at the strip club buffet.” —Seth Meyers

A woman in Italy recently married herself in a ceremony that included a three-layer wedding cake, bridesmaids, and 70 guests. Did I say guests? I meant cats. 70 cats. –Seth Meyers

Donald Trump said at a campaign rally yesterday that he would put Syrian refugees in safe zones, and make Middle Eastern countries pay for them, adding, “There’s nothing like doing things with other people’s money.” “You said it, baby,” said Melania. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It should be a huge improvement over its original name, parade of regrets (He described the attack as 'al dente.')

Facebook launched its year in review feature, which brings up some of your top Facebook photos from the past year. It should be a huge improvement over its original name, parade of regrets. –Jimmy Fallon

"This is crazy. Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi was hit in the face at a rally in Rome yesterday. Berlusconi said he wasn't hit too hard, or too soft. He described the attack as 'al dente.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A woman from Alabama won a dinner with Sarah Palin on eBay. It cost $63,000. Palin says she'll take the woman out to a restaurant of her choice and leave after the appetizers." --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

If that doesn't get people to start watching soccer, nothing will (Green for the greater good)

"It was not a great weekend for the American soccer fan. We're still recovering from a draw with Portugal, 2-2. It was a long game, four points total, and America didn't win. If that doesn't get people to start watching soccer, nothing will." –Craig Ferguson

"Italy was eliminated from the World Cup. Italians were running through the streets waving their hands around, screaming at each other. Then they heard about the World Cup." –Craig Ferguson

"Starting today, there is a huge rock festival in England. It is called Glastonbury. These days, every country has its own music festival. England has Glastonbury. Here, we have Lollapalooza and Coachella. In North Korea, they have the Kim Jong Ill-ith Fair." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”