Well, that's what you get for traveling during volcano season (Boy, you think you know somebody)

"The SEAL Team 6 broke into his compound and Osama bin Laden never knew what hit him. It's like a Kardashian husband." –David Letterman

I did some historical research today. Adolf Hitler, it turns out, was delinquent in his income taxes. He owed over $3 million in taxes. Boy, you think you know somebody. –David Letterman

"Is anyone here stranded because of the volcano? Well, that's what you get for traveling during volcano season." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

"The Mask Is Completely Ripped Off" | Abby Martin

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

most of it was ethically sourced from Chuck Schumer's ears (every single time it turns out they lied)

Kamala Harris was seen with a drag queen who was impersonating her. The impersonator was so convincing he's currently banging Willie Brown. —Greg Gutfeld

"Sunday night, reality star Lisa Rinna attended an Oscar party wearing a dress made from 11 pounds of human hair. But don't worry, most of it was ethically sourced from Chuck Schumer's ears. --Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Well, he never said it was on his head (every single time it turns out they lied)

In a recent interview, former Vice President Kamala Harris said, quote, "There will be a marvel bust of me in Congress." And she added how cool it is that they can carve on something as small as a marble. —Greg Gutfeld 

Gavin Newsom claimed his hair literally burst during the Palisades fire. I know you're thinking his hair looks fine, right? Well, he never said it was on his head. —Greg Gutfeld 

According to the Daily Mail, Ilhan Omar told friends years ago that her second husband was in fact her brother. The wedding guests were tipped off when the couple's first dance was to We Are Family. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's true, now hand me another golden sausage (Been there, done that)

"Scientists are saying that a giant asteroid could strike the earth in 2182, and that it could decimate the planet and destroy most forms of life. A spokesman for BP said, 'Been there, done that.'" –Craig Ferguson

"I'm not a political expert, but I think going after the rich is a good idea in an election year, or any other year for that matter. Because let's face it, rich people are bastards. Even rich people would agree with that. They're like, 'It's true, now hand me another golden sausage.'"  –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, I wasn’t going to marry him (And every single time it turns out they lied)

"Republican Congressman Phil Hinkle, who voted to ban gay marriage, was caught propositioning a male prostitute. Hinkle said, 'Well, I wasn’t going to marry him.'" –Conan O'Brien

"According to a new study, most men would like women to occasionally pick up the check. The study also found most women would occasionally like to be paid as much as men for doing the same job." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

There's a war being fought and people on drugs are winning it! (but if you want to lick it, it’s a quarter)

"George Bush says we are losing the War on Drugs. You know what that implies? There's a war being fought and people on drugs are winning it!" – Bill Hicks

A person told me that I was wearing two different colored socks. I said it was true, but to me they were the same because I go by thickness. –Steven Wright

The Post Office announced today that it is going to issue a stamp commemorating prostitution in the United States. It’s a ten cent stamp, but if you want to lick it, it’s a quarter. --Chevy Chase, SNL

And in music news number one on the college charts this summer was the band Better Than Ezra. At number two, Ezra. --Norm Macdonald, SNL

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Their advice, introduce yourself to as many people as possible (two cakes)

The richest girl in the world, billionaire Athina Onassis celebrated her 10th birthday this week. What's it like to be the richest girl in the world? Well to give you some idea, at the party they had two cakes. --Norm Macdonald, SNL

A new FBI study shows that for the first time Americans are more likely to be killed by a stranger than a loved one or acquaintance. Their advice, introduce yourself to as many people as possible. --Norm Macdonald, SNL

In a brilliant move during closing arguments the O.J. Simpson Attorney, Johnnie Cochran, put on the knit cap prosecutors say OJ wore the night he committed the murders. Although OJ may have hurt his case when he suddenly blurted out, “Hey easy with that! That's my lucky stabbing hat!” --Norm Macdonald, SNL

The American Academy of Pediatrics has released an updated list of unsafe baby products. Topping the list this year is the really really really really high chair. --Norm Macdonald, SNL

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he’s already paid two families to leave (The trick is to lift with your legs, not your back)

President Trump yesterday issued a statement calling for paid

family leave. Which is a little surprising until you remember that

he’s already paid two families to leave. –Seth Meyers

"A new poll finds that the majority of GOP voters say they can't

see themselves supporting Chris Christie. The trick is to lift with

your legs, not your back." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

She's even been contacted by Bill Clinton about an internship (Nancy Pelosi was seen fleeing the country)

A California woman with the world's longest tongue says being a Guinness record holder has provided her with career opportunities. She's even been contacted by Bill Clinton about an internship. —Greg Gutfeld

Elon Musk said Doge's next target will be members of Congress who got strangely wealthy. Upon hearing the news Nancy Pelosi was seen fleeing the country. —Greg Gutfeld

In a New York Times essay Hillary Clinton calls the Trump administration dumb over the Signal chat leak. She added quote "If it were me they would have already found Mike Waltz dead in a prison cell." —Greg Gutfeld

A new study says masturbation can improve the quality of sleep and furthermore … Zzzzzzzzzzz. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I couldn't help myself, he was delicious (American bumblebees)

In the U.K., a group of scientists successfully taught bumblebees how to play soccer. And now, they’re trying to get American bumblebees to watch it. –Conan O’Brien

In an interview this week, Barbra Streisand revealed that she cloned her favorite dog, twice. Barbra said, "I couldn't help myself, he was delicious." --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And every single time it turns out they lied (Panic Room)

"The heat wave is breaking records all across America. It was so hot in Washington, people are sweating like President Bush trying to spell Hezbollah." --Jay Leno

"In movie news, the movie 'Panic Room 2' is now in development. The whole thing is gonna be filmed at Hillary Clinton's campaign headquarters." --Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich has been attacking Mitt Romney for being wealthy and having money in bank accounts in the Cayman Islands. See, that’s when you know you’re part of the top 1 percent, when your bank’s address has the word ‘island’ in it.” –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I thought that was Higgins from 'Magnum P.I.' (I'm telling Kim Jung Mom)

"King Jung Nam, the brother of North Korean leader Kim Jung Un, said that as a leader his younger brother will fail. When he heard this, Kim Jung Un was so upset at his older brother, he yelled, 'I'm telling Kim Jung Mom.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Now, some people are really upset because President Obama has decided to redecorate the Oval Office, and he got rid of former President Bush's bust of Winston Churchill. When he heard about it, Bush was furious and said, 'Winston Churchill? I thought that was Higgins from 'Magnum P.I.'" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s actually the safest place to be when you fly United (he should know his name by now)

Donald Trump is also attracting criticism after he singled out a black supporter at a rally on Friday and told the crowd, "Look at my African-American," which is clearly racist, but also, he should know his name by now. –Seth Meyers

An 88-year-old woman has set a new record for oldest female to stand on the wing of a flying plane. It sounds dangerous, but it’s actually the safest place to be when you fly United. –Seth Meyers

Donald Trump said that the United States should block all Muslims from entering the country. He said that in fact, the only reason we should ever allow ANYONE to come here from ANY country is to marry him. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And every single time it turns out they lied (Path to peace)

At a rally in a Pennsylvania high school, Elon Musk promoted the debunked theory that Dominion Voting Systems rigged the 2020 election, saying, quote, the last thing I would do is trust a computer program, you know, like the ones driving all of his cars. —Colin Jost

President Biden also said that he hopes that the death of the leader of Hamas will be a path to peace in Gaza. Path to peace is also the name of the home Biden's moving into in about three months. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It is the only place in the world where robbers get to keep the money (it's not the heat that gets you; it's the stupidity)

"July was the hottest month on record in Washington, D.C. But it's not the heat that gets you; it's the stupidity." –Jay Leno

"Tom DeLay will still get to collect over a million dollars in congressional pension money. This is what's so great about Congress. It is the only place in the world where robbers get to keep the money." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What is, start drinking at noon? (Don’t Stop Believing)

Alex Trebek is hinting that he might retire from “Jeopardy!” in 2020. When asked what he’ll do in retirement, Trebek said, “What is, start drinking at noon?” --Jimmy Fallon

I read that you can now buy a new, wine-flavored jelly. Which is a great idea until your kid’s teacher calls and says, “I dunno what happened to Billy. He ate a PB&J and keeps singing ‘Don’t Stop Believing.’” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And every single time it turns out they lied (pheasant McNuggets)

"Mitt Romney wants to prove he's a regular guy, so he was someplace and he ordered a bucket of pheasant McNuggets." –David Letterman

They had a fundraising softball game at Yankee Stadium over the weekend, and do you know who played? New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. He had a great day at the plate. I'm talking about lunch.—David Letterman

"Soccer is one of those things that the rest of the world cares more about than we do – you know, like healthcare, education, gun control." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Soak it up, we'll probably never see anything like this again (His way of firing people is much more exciting than Donald Trump's)

As you probably know, the president canceled his June 12th meeting with Kim Jong Un today. Only Donald Trump could cancel a summit with Kim Jong Un in the morning and then have a meeting with Sylvester Stallone later in the day. Soak it up, we'll probably never see anything like this again. --Jimmy Kimmel

"Kim Jong Un reportedly had his defense chief executed after he fell asleep during a meeting. Not only did they execute him, they shot him with an anti-aircraft gun. I'd like to see NBC hire Kim Jong Un to host 'The Apprentice.' His way of firing people is much more exciting than Donald Trump's." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And every single time it turns out they lied (there’s no dog)

A United Airlines flight from Germany was forced to return to the airport after the toilet broke and leaked into the cabin. Though it’s the perfect punishment for people who take their shoes off on planes. —Colin Jost

A man diagnosed with schizophrenia has been given a support dog to help him determine what is real and what’s a hallucination. The craziest part is — there’s no dog. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”