If you’re looking to buy a hotdog from a woman in a G-string, Florida is the place you want to be (That’s a bit much!)

The idea that Trump voted by mail at the same time he tried to ram this ‘save my fat orange ass’ act through Congress right now, which is a bill that would do away with mail-in ballots, has put leaders in the GOP in a bit of a pickle. Asked about this latest act of brazen hypocrisy, Mike Johnson, the Republican speaker of the House, attempted to sidestep. “I think some states have handled mail-in voting well,” he said. “I think Florida is a good example of that. They don’t allow fraud, they’ve got great systems. That is not true in other parts of the country,” like California. Listen, I’ve lived in both states, and the only thing Florida does better is get manatees addicted to meth, all right? If you’re looking to buy a hotdog from a woman in a G-string, Florida is the place you want to be. —Jimmy Kimmel

There are reports that Pentagon officials provided Trump with daily “sizzle reels” of military strikes in Iran to boost his mood. Just step back and think about this: every day, they’re bringing him these fun little action movies of us blowing stuff up. Everyone’s telling him how great he’s doing. He’s got four whole cable networks dedicated to kissing his ass 24/7. His staff is terrified to ever bring him any bad news, and he has the memory of a worm at the bottom of a bottle of mezcal. And this is the man in charge of sending our children to war – at least the ones whose dads don’t have a good podiatrist to get them out of it. Our own government is making war propaganda videos for the person running the war. Even Kim Jong-un is like, ‘That’s a bit much!’ —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Is it … is it with his neck? (capitalism runs on blood)

“Republicans are refusing to cut a deal with the Democrats to fund health care, and they’re also refusing to do other parts of their job, like swearing in Representative-elect Adelita Grijalva, who won a special election in Arizona almost a month ago. Speaker Mike Johnson says he won’t swear her in until the House is back in session, after the government shutdown ends. Nope! Those two things have nothing to do with each other. That’s like saying, ‘Hey, man, I’d love to come to your child’s clarinet recital, but, ya know, Toyotathon.’” — Stephen Colbert

“Today we got a hum-doozy of a dinger because the R.N.C. chair spilled on the wild way Trump eats his McDonald’s order. So — not by mouth? Is it … is it with his neck?” — Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Bad news: You have to watch Donald Trump eat (a new mommy)

But “despite all this evidence, Trump’s allies are pretending like there’s no evidence. Asked if he believed the note was real, the speaker of the House, Mike Johnson, said: “I don’t. They say it’s not.” A few Republican lawmakers simply avoided the question, claiming they had not seen the note. But the most pathetic denial of all came from Eric Trump, who argued that his father “does not sketch out cartoon drawings”. Colbert as Eric Trump: “My dad certainly does not write out birthday cards. My dad doesn’t even remember birthdays. What he does is he goes out on a business trip, and when he comes back he brings you a present: a new mommy.” —Stephen Colbert

“Trump claims his 30-day fascist makeover reduced crime by 100 percent, and to prove that, he went out to dinner. So, Washingtonians, good news: Your city is free. Bad news: You have to watch Donald Trump eat.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Frankenstein with an ACL tear (and you never hear sh*t about the other 50 areas)

“Maga is trying to reconcile their loyalty to Trump and their demand to see the Epstein files,” as Trump lashes out at Republicans asking for more information, such as Kentucky representative Thomas Massie, who introduced a House resolution ordering the justice department and the FBI to release “all unclassified records, documents, communications, and investigative materials” in their possession. Trump blasted Massie online, calling him “lazy and slow-moving” – which are obviously the most accurate ways to describe Donald Trump. He moves like his entire diet consists of eucalyptus leaves. Even a Trump fan can’t deny that he lumbers like Frankenstein with an ACL tear. —Seth Meyers

“Trump is so scared of whatever is in those files, the Republicans have decided that instead of voting, they should just all go home. The House speaker, Mike Johnson, sent Congress home on an early summer recess to avoid any vote on the issue. The more you try to hide something, the more people want to see what it is. That’s why people still talk about Area 51, and you never hear shit about the other 50 areas.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

all the king’s men couldn’t hide who Dumpty humped with his friend (Choose the Exit)

“It’s a great day to be me, because I am not Donald Trump. That guy has got a lot of problems. First of all, the Jeffrey Epstein scandal just won’t ‘kill itself.’ And we might have a hint why Trump hasn’t been that eager to release those files. According to Dick Durbin, a Democratic senator from Illinois, a thousand FBI agents were put on 24-hour shifts in March to review approximately 100,000 records related to Epstein and flag any mentions of Trump. That is a suspiciously Herculean effort. All the king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t hide who Dumpty humped with his friend.” —Stephen Colbert

Now even Maga is demanding answers – 11 congressional Republicans have said they will join Democrats to vote to release the Epstein files, making a majority in Congress. In response, speaker Mike Johnson shut down the House until September to block the vote. You cannot blame Trump and his allies for being scared here, because the more we know about Trump’s relationship to Epstein, the more we wish we didn’t. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Say hello to my little friend (3rd July 1988)

It’s been a tough day for the House speaker, Mike Johnson, as he faces a movement to oust him from the position from his own party. They just got rid of the last guy six months ago. Republican speaker of the House has joined the list of least secure jobs, just below #2 leader of Isis, world’s oldest man and Rupert Murdoch fiancee. —Stephen Colbert

“Donald Trump had the day off from his criminal trial on Wednesday. He spent part of it criticizing my hosting of the Oscars several weeks ago, and he mistook me for Al Pacino somehow? He’s Al Pacino, I’m me. You’d think he would know that because I’m pretty sure ‘Say hello to my little friend’ is what he said to Stormy Daniels that got him in all this trouble.” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm about to get kicked out of this supermarket (he likes getting spanked while everyone watches)

The GOP has just a razor-thin majority in the House, so clearly Speaker Johnson would bring this to the floor for a vote only if he knew with absolute certainty they had the votes to … and, they lost. Mike Johnson, are you definitely against porn? Because you sure like getting spanked while everyone watches. —Stephen Colbert

Recapping Nikki Haley’s embarrassing loss in the Nevada Republican primary, where Donald Trump wasn’t on the ballot. Haley got about 30% of the vote, while “none of the candidates” got 63%. You know how they say you’re second to none? She finished second to none! —Jimmy Kimmel

“I like the idea that people took time to wait in line to vote for none of these candidates. It’s like going to the Wendy’s drive-thru and saying ‘nothing for me, thanks!’ None of the candidates is probably the only thing America can agree on right now. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So now they have to kick two smaller cans down two longer roads (Apple has canceled Jon Stewart again)

China’s reason for engaging with America? Cash, as its economy has weathered anemic consumer spending and high youth unemployment. It’s gotten so bad that second-graders can’t get a job at the iPhone factory. And I’m being told that in response to that joke, Apple has canceled Jon Stewart again. —Stephen Colbert

In other news, Washington is increasingly a toxic dump. But there was a glimmer of governance on Tuesday when the House approved a stopgap measure to avoid a government shutdown, the first major piece of legislation passed by the new speaker, Mike Johnson. Unlike a previous stopgap measure passed by his predecessor, Kevin McCarthy, Johnson’s “two-step” stopgap will fund certain parts of the government into mid-January, and others into February. That is genius, because instead of just kicking the can down the road, Mike Johnson cut the can in half. So now they have to kick two smaller cans down two longer roads. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Her poll numbers will be whatever she had before plus four more people (Just the tip for Biden)

Mike Pence’s new book Go Home for Dinner: Advice on How Faith Makes a Family and Family Makes a Life has been released. The original title was Go Home for Dinner, Because the People Eating at Applebee’s Want to Hang You, but I think he made the right decision. —Jimmy Kimmel

Internal polling from Trump’s campaign theorized that Nikki Haley would benefit the most from fellow Republican Tim Scott dropping out of the race. Her poll numbers will be whatever she had before plus four more people. —Seth Meyers

In the same memo, the pollster predicted that Haley and the Florida governor, Ron DeSantis, will be in a dogfight for second place. And you can tell DeSantis and Haley are getting ready for a rumble because they both just took off their heels. —Seth Meyers

And the House speaker, Mike Johnson, confirmed that he was “all in” for Trump 2024. Meanwhile, a lot of Democrats are still ‘just the tip’ for Biden. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

suddenly it’s illegal to teach kids in Florida public schools about their own governor (Affordable Leech Act)

New speaker of the House, Mike Johnson, has expressed some scary anti-gay positions. The Republican from Louisiana once said that gay marriage was a “dark harbinger of chaos and sexual anarchy”. Johnson’s wife Kelly runs Onward Christian Counseling Services, which offensively and outrageously equates being gay with bestiality. Evidently, Kelly believes it’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve, and don’t get her started on Turner and Hooch. The counseling service separates people into five types: melancholy, choleric, sanguine, supine and phlegmatic. Those are some 13th-century beliefs! Which explains speaker Johnson’s plan to replace Obamacare with the Affordable Leech Act. —Stephen Colbert

“But it does seem that Ron DeSantis may be wearing heels. I tell you what, throw in a tube of lipstick, and suddenly it’s illegal to teach kids in Florida public schools about their own governor.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

His job? Man who shoves woman into river to see if she’s a witch (Let this radicalize you)

Mike Pence’s time is 1692. His place? Salem. His job? Man who shoves woman into river to see if she’s a witch. —Stephen Colbert

Mike Pence was also polling at about 2% in Iowa. You hear that, Chris Christie? You bag those Pence voters, you could be polling as high as … 2%. —Stephen Colbert

And in other news, the new speaker of the House, the Louisiana representative, Mike Johnson, offered Americans a window into his mindset when he described the Bible as “that’s my worldview. That’s what I believe. That’s great. If the Bible is his worldview on any issue, I don’t know why progressives are nervous. He’s clearly going to ask the rich to sell all their possessions and give their money to the poor! —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They found someone who loves Jesus and hates democracy (because it makes it hotter)

I know why you're happy today the Republicans finally found someone who fits the glass slipper for Speaker of the House. —Bill Maher

I’ve never heard of Mike Johnson before. He may be the worst of the election deniers. So the Republicans have really found their sweet spot. They found someone who loves Jesus and hates democracy. —Bill Maher

Mike Johnson's on the shows now and they're asking him about him and his world view, he said pick up a Bible off the shelf and read it, that's my world view. That's what he's saying, talk to the hand, the one with the nail in it. —Bill Maher

Mike Johnson’s in a covenant marriage. I didn't know what this was, have you heard of this it's a thing in Louisiana where he's from, I guess it’s a thing in other places as well. A covenant marriage, like marriage isn't hard enough to get out of. A covenant marriage makes it very very very hard to get a divorce. It's for people who hear until death do you part and say I need something stronger. —Bill Maher

Mike Johnson is so conservative he actually wants to criminalize gay sex because it makes it hotter. —Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It is if you’re doin’ it right (moping around in a cone)

“How many of you know the new Speaker of the House, Mike Johnson? Johnson is known to be anti-gay, having once said: ‘Homosexual marriage is the dark harbinger of chaos and sexual anarchy that could doom even the strongest republic.’ It is if you’re doin’ it right.” —Stephen Colbert

“Under penalty of perjury, Donald Trump is suddenly much calmer, more restrained, you could even say sheepish. It’s like watching the neighborhood Rottweiler who’s always terrorizing the mailman suddenly mope around in a cone.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

You know what they say about Mike Johnson: to know him is to … meh (the little soapy thing is empty, but we will fill it!)

Our long national nightmare is finally different. Finally, a man who appeals to all factions of the Republican party: the Maga faithful, the social conservatives, the white nationalists and the horny Beetlejuice goblins. Mike Johnson’s successful bid for speakership after several swift failures – Jim Jordan and Tom Emmer, among others – was facilitated by the fact that, according to Politico, there weren’t enough people who hated Johnson to oppose his rise. You know what they say about Mike Johnson: to know him is to … meh. —Stephen Colbert

But don’t let the apparent blandness fool you – Johnson is not only an election denier, he played a leading role in the effort to overturn the 2020 election. And Johnson holds other extreme views. In newspaper editorials, he has called homosexuality ‘inherently unnatural’ and a ‘dangerous lifestyle’ that could possibly destroy ‘the entire democratic system’. The republicans celebrated their momentous achievement of having a leader on the steps of the Capitol. That’s the sort of ceremony that’s usually celebrating the passage of Medicare or ending the war. Instead, this was announcing ‘we have found the key to the executive washroom. By the way, the little soapy thing is empty, but we will fill it!’ —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I just don't understand why... (like a bunch of street pigeons fighting over a french fry)

After over three weeks of chaos and squabbling in Congress, all 220 Republicans in the House voted for Mike Johnson of Louisiana, a far-right conservative that almost no one has heard of. I think they’re trying to bore everyone into forgetting how extreme he is. 

Mike Johnson is the fake name they give you when you call tech support so it sounds like you’re talking to someone in Kansas when you’re definitely talking to someone in Albania. Johnson was so under the radar that even Senator Susan Collins, a Republican from Maine, admitted to a reporter that she would need to Google him before offering comment. Well when you Google him, you’re going to need to put in more information than just the name Mike Johnson. 

Mike Johnson is such a common name, most of us went to school with one. My Mike Johnson played baseball. This Mike Johnson played a key role in the effort to overturn the election results and was, according to the New York Times, the ‘most important architect’ of the electoral college objections to the 2020 presidential election.

Nevertheless, he now leads the largest body of Congress and is second in line to the presidency, which Republicans celebrated with a large gathering on the Capitol steps. When asked about his unfounded objections to the 2020 election at a press conference, the caucus booed the reporter, which is ridiculous.

Imagine booing someone for asking a simple question after you paralyzed the government for three weeks of spectacle and humiliating incompetence where you screamed and yelled at each other like a bunch of street pigeons fighting over a french fry. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”