I hope you’re happy — you made our baby cry (Please stop calling me The Barnacle)

On Friday, the Nobel Peace Prize was awarded to Navi Pillay, a former U.N. High Commissioner for Human Rights. President Trump responded at rallies and on Truth Social, saying that he should have won instead. He is blaming Norway for this slight. Which, thanks a lot, Norway. I hope you’re happy — you made our baby cry.” — Jimmy Kimmel 

“[imitating Trump’] And I’m going to keep approving those public executions until somebody gives me a damn peace prize!” — Jimmy Kimmel

“This execution is scheduled for December third, which, I looked it up, you know what else is scheduled that day? The White House Christmas tree lighting. You know, they could save some money if they doubled up in some way — maybe get a Monster Energy drink sponsorship and finally end the war on Christmas.” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I call it a Christmas Miracle (if Wall Street executives are doing well, regular Americans are doing well)

A chocolate factory in Germany recently experienced a storage tank malfunction that resulted in one ton of chocolate spilling onto the street. And the cool weather caused the chocolate to immediately solidify on the pavement, where it had to be removed by firefighters. People are calling this an industrial accident. I call it a Christmas Miracle. --James Corden

Today, the stock market hit an all-time high. Which is great news, because if there's one thing we've learned over the past decade it’s that if Wall Street executives are doing well, regular Americans are doing well. –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s a war that got a thesaurus for Christmas (I went into this without a plan)

Folks, I really didn’t want to start the monologue by talking about the war, but in honor of this administration, I went into this without a plan. —Stephen Colbert

I say it’s a war because it sure looks like a war, and Trump keeps calling it a war, but Congress never declared it a war, and MAGA was promised no new wars, so the White House sent out a list of talking points to all the congressional Republicans telling them in no uncertain terms that if a reporter asked ‘Can you promise the American people this will not be a long-drawn out war?’, the answer to give is ‘These are targeted, major combat operations.’ So … it’s worse than a war. It’s a war that got a thesaurus for Christmas. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Last seen on Pam Bondi's desk ($50 Million Reward)

"Yesterday in Louisiana, a judge denied an interracial couple a marriage license because he felt, I quote, their children would later suffer in life from being interracial. Like when they become president or win the Masters or get an Oscar."  --Jay Leno

"Talking to reporters today about the shutdown, John Boehner said, 'If ands or buts were candy and nuts, every day would be Christmas.' You know, if they'd get off our butts and quit squeezing our nuts, we could enjoy Christmas." –Jay Leno

"Well, here's a very bizarre story. People act strangely this time of year. In Toledo, Ohio, a man attacked a Salvation Army bell ringer, grabbed his red kettle, threw it in the back of his truck, yelled, 'I hate Christmas,' and drove off. Here's my question. What is Dick Cheney doing in Toledo, Ohio?" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He better hope they're brain donors (What is Dick Cheney doing in Toledo, Ohio?)

"Texas Gov. Rick Perry says he's taking steps to run for president in 2016. In fact, this week he's meeting with donors. He better hope they're brain donors." –Jay Leno

"Well, here's a very bizarre story. People act strangely this time of year. In Toledo, Ohio, a man attacked a Salvation Army bell ringer, grabbed his red kettle, threw it in the back of his truck, yelled, 'I hate Christmas,' and drove off. Here's my question. What is Dick Cheney doing in Toledo, Ohio?" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I think I rented that once (True story!)

The song "12 Days of Christmas." For someone who claims to be my true love, you sure gave me some terrible gifts. In fact, I'm going to have to take these on one by one. 12 drummers drumming. Oh, just what I wanted. 12 hippies in a drum circle. 11 pipers piping. This is Christmas, not a Scottish funeral. 10 lords a-leaping? How about you leap in front of a moving truck? 9 ladies dancing. Let me guess -- too much wine at book club? 8 maids a-milking. I think I rented that once. 7 swans a-swimming. Go duck yourself. 6 geese a-laying. Go flock yourself. 5 golden rings? What am I -- Liberace? 4 calling birds. No one calls anymore. Shoot me a text or F off. 3 French hens. French hens? This is America, pal. We call 'em freedom chickens. 2 turtle doves. Are you a turtle or a dove? Pick one. A partridge in a pear tree? I got a bird for ya right here, buddy. --Seth Meyers

Bethlehem innkeepers. Where do you get off turning away a pregnant woman? You're lucky Yelp wasn't around during the time of the Bible, or you would've been savaged. Also, you sent them to the manger?! Here is a tidbit of common decency. If you run an inn and a woman needs to give birth, maybe do better than the shack where your goats eat. It's disgusting, and that's coming from a guy whose wife gave birth in the lobby of a New York City apartment building. True story! --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Great — now I look fat (Don't come in here!)

Today was Cyber Monday, where they offer a lot of really good deals just to online shoppers. It's the only day of the year where guys have an innocent reason for quickly shutting their laptops and saying "Don't come in here!" –Jimmy Fallon

With Christmas around the corner it seems like everyone is going to parties. I heard that this week Beyoncé went to a Christmas party here in New York dressed as a Christmas tree. Or as the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree put it, “Great — now I look fat.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

three in four teens know a narc when they see one (mega flu rituals)

President Trump and First Lady Melania attended a Christmas reception today at the White House but not before Melania had the room swept for mistletoe. --Seth Meyers

According to a new survey, one in four teens say they used marijuana at least once in the past year. While the other three in four teens know a narc when they see one. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What kind of haunted asylum are you living in? (an affordability-themed rally)

President Trump gave a speech at a Pennsylvania casino resort that was supposed to be about affordability; but as usual, he was all over the road. For instance, he said he’d gotten “the biggest vote with Black people” because “they know a scam better than anybody.” Stop bragging. You only won 13 percent of Black people. My potato salad polled higher with Black people. I love how Trump is like, ‘Black people love me, and that’s why I came to the Blackest area I could think of: the Poconos.’ — Desi Lydic

”So last night, he held an affordability-themed rally at, where else? A casino. A place where people famously leave with more money than they came in with.” — Desi Lydic

“Trump also told parents to cut back on Christmas presents this year. Yeah. He really did say this. He said that instead of buying 37 dolls for your kids, buy two or three. By the way, who is buying 37 dolls? What kind of haunted asylum are you living in?” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If you press his paw, Trumpy Bear even writes a check to Barbie, and then calls her “Horseface.” (There goes our Christmas plans)

Over the weekend, Donald Trump joined dozens of other world leaders in France to commemorate the 100th anniversary of the end of World War I. Just to be safe, Trump brought a note from his doctor saying he absolutely couldn’t fight. --James Corden

There’s a new Christmas toy being advertised on Fox News. It’s Trumpy Bear! It’s pretty realistic. If you press his paw, Trumpy Bear even writes a check to Barbie, and then calls her “Horseface.” --James Corden

The Austrian government announced on Monday that they will be tearing down the house where Adolf Hitler was born. There goes our Christmas plans. –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wait, it's going to make us like them? (Dear Jesus)

We're going to start by talking about everybody's favorite subject: taxes. Over the weekend, Donald Trump's private tax documents were leaked to The New York Times, showing that in 1995 he posted a loss of $916 million dollars. The only people with a more embarrassing loss in 1995 were the prosecution team in the O.J. Simpson trial. –James Corden

Julian Assange says he has secret information about both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, and that information may drastically change people's views of these candidates. Americans replied, “Wait, it's going to make us like them?” –James Corden

Ben & Jerry's just announced that they are going to be supporting seven progressive congressional candidates by promoting them with their own flavors of ice cream. This is such a brilliant political move. I mean, what is Trump going to do now — come out against ice cream? Now, personally I would like to thank Ben & Jerry's for giving me a reason to tell my wife why I am eating an entire pint of ice cream every night. "No. It is for the future. We have to leave our children a better world. That's all this is." --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You know that queasy feeling when your phone battery is at one percent? (It's a Wonderful Life)

“Well, guys, Congress failed to reach an agreement on a spending deal, and now, we’re just a few minutes away from a government shutdown. Yeah. You know that queasy feeling when your phone battery is at one percent? That’s our government right now.” — Jimmy Fallon

“Yep, this’ll be the first government shutdown since 2018 — not including Joe Biden at the debate.” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

figuring out who’s homeless and who’s just in a band (Cheney has already gone to Whoville and returned all their Christmas presents)

Portland is planning to offer homeless people a free bus ticket out of town. Of course, the problem in Portland is figuring out who’s homeless and who’s just in a band. –Conan O’Brien

“This weekend 71-year-old former Vice President Dick Cheney received a heart transplant. The heart is working so well that Cheney has already gone to Whoville and returned all their Christmas presents.” –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

El Capitan Cruncho (North Pole, Alaska)

"The Christmas-themed town of North Pole, Alaska, has officially approved marijuana dispensaries. So don't expect your presents from Santa until next April." –Conan O'Brien

"This morning in Washington, President Bush attended the 6th Annual Hispanic Prayer Breakfast. At the breakfast, President Bush showed off his Spanish by ordering 'El Capitan Cruncho.'" --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey, sorry to sour the vibe (I call coin/three thirds)

The markets had a brief upturn on Tuesday, when rumors circulated that Trump may back down from his trade war. Asked by reporters if he would back down or if the tariffs were permanent, Trump answered paradoxically: “It could both be true.” No, you can’t say it’s temporary and it’s permanent. That’s like being asked to call heads or tails and saying ‘I call coin.’ —Stephen Colbert

And according to a new analysis by the Washington Post, Trump has spent one-third of his days in office at his golf courses. And I think we might be better off if we could somehow get that up to three thirds. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wait a minute, Melania's not blind? (five-star Yelp reviews that were 47 paragraphs long)

Two Papa John’s employees in Washington State were arrested this week for allegedly delivering cocaine in pizza boxes. Authorities became suspicious when Papa John’s started getting five-star Yelp reviews that were 47 paragraphs long. –Seth Meyers

President Trump tried to have braille removed from the elevators in Trump Tower, because "no blind people are going to live in Trump Tower." Wait a minute, Melania's not blind? --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That's a big improvement from our last president (wealthy, powerful psychopaths)

"Hey, last night I watched Oprah's White House Christmas special. President Obama told Oprah he deserves a 'solid B-plus' for his first year in office. That's a big improvement from our last president, who for the last eight years received a 'WTF.'" –Jimmy Fallon

“According to a survey, during the holidays, most dog owners buy a gift for their pet. Yeah. And then there's the people that are too lazy to shop and just give their dog cash.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What is Dick Cheney doing in Toledo, Ohio? (our greatest Republican president ever)

"Well, here's a very bizarre story. People act strangely this time of year. In Toledo, Ohio, a man attacked a Salvation Army bell ringer, grabbed his red kettle, threw it in the back of his truck, yelled, 'I hate Christmas,' and drove off. Here's my question. What is Dick Cheney doing in Toledo, Ohio?" –Jay Leno

"Well, let's see. I'm trying to sum up President Obama's first 11 months in office. He gave billions to Wall Street, cracked down on illegal immigrants getting health care, and he's sending 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan. You know something? He may go down in history as our greatest Republican president ever." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In the off-shore bank accounts of the 1% (But if he isn't confirmed. Look out)

Pete Hegseth, who has been accused of excessive drinking at work, said that if he is confirmed as defense secretary, he is, quote, not going to have a drink at all. But if he isn't confirmed. Look out. —Colin Jost

The White House unveiled its Christmas decoration theme, A Season of Peace and Light, which is tough because Biden is always being told not to go towards the light. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”