Do you really think we'd start a war under false pretenses? (she won the Grammy for Best Mistake)

Last night at the Grammys, Adele started a tribute to George Michael but messed up and so she started over. She was on such a roll that she won the Grammy for Best Mistake. –Conan O’Brien

The U.S. Army has officially lifted its ban on soldiers having dreadlocks. This is good news for the Army’s elite Hacky Sack Corps. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

A human dragon sleeping on a pile of rubies and gold (see-through outfits)

Gen Z gun control activist David Hogg has been elected as Vice Chair of the DNC. In the next five years his goals are to get rid of ICE, the NRA and his virginity. —Greg Gutfeld 

Kanye West's wife Bianca Censori appeared in a see-through outfit at the Grammys making viewers grateful that West isn't married to Hillary Clinton. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Those Rich Boys Sure Are Sad (he was voted ‘most likely to die on the toilet’)

On Sunday night’s Grammy awards, Taylor Swift won her record-breaking fourth album of the year award and surprise-announced a new album, The Tortured Poets Department, due out in April. Coincidentally, ‘Tortured Poets Department’? Also a rejected title for the movie Dead Poets Society along with Bad School, Good Teacher and Those Rich Boys Sure Are Sad. —Stephen Colbert

President Biden allegedly called Donald Trump a “sick fuck” who delights in others’ misfortune. To which Trump objected, ‘I’m not sick, doctors are always coming up to me,’ said Colbert, imitating the former president. These doctors, big doctors, tears in their eyes, big guys, strong doctors. Doctors who never cry, I’m talking about lumberjack, football-playing doctors. And they say sir, sir, you’re the healthiest fuck I’ve ever seen.’ As for Trump’s claim that he looks like Elvis – Look, I don’t care for the guy, you know that, but I do think Donald Trump does look like Elvis … if you dug up Elvis now. They have a lot in common. In Trump’s high school yearbook, he was voted ‘most likely to die on the toilet’. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That dude needs to chill out and smoke some marijuana (by any standard that’s a promotion)

At the Grammys, Alessia Cara won the award for best new artist. She was up against Khalid, Julia Michaels, Lil Uzi Vert and SZA. Or as your mom knows them: who, who, who, who and SZA. --James Corden

In other White House news, according to a recent article, President Trump's son-in-law, Jared Kushner, has been asked to turn his focus to prison reform. And based on the way the Russia investigation is going, I assume he wants to make prisons way harder to get into.  --James Corden

In other news, former Trump staffer and one-time “Apprentice” contestant Omarosa took a new gig this week. It was announced she will be joining the cast of “Celebrity Big Brother.” From Trump’s White House to CBS’s “Big Brother” house — by any standard that’s a promotion. --James Corden

Today on Capitol Hill, Trump’s pick for attorney general, Jeff Sessions, was grilled by senators during the first confirmation hearing of the Trump administration. Sessions is a controversial pick. For instance, in the past, he’s been a vocal opponent of marijuana legalization. At one point he said, “Good people don’t smoke marijuana.” That dude needs to chill out and smoke some marijuana. –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You know who would love some inflation? (Parts of me are Incredible)

February 2023

“After the US military shot down a suspected Chinese spy balloon over the Atlantic, President Biden’s State of the Union is his balloon assassination victory lap. You know who would love some inflation? That spy balloon, b*tch!” —Seth Meyers

“Jill Biden attended Tuesday’s address with a special guest, U2’s Bono. I gotta say, I love that she’s using the office of first lady to tick off her bucket list. She was at the Grammys, she’s going to the Super Bowl, now she’s hanging out with Bono. If Biden gets re-elected, she’s going to get the gang together for one last heist.” —Seth Meyers

“Meanwhile, the Pentagon said on Monday that the military failed to detect three Chinese spy balloons over US airspace during the Trump administration due to an ‘awareness gap’, and because after the eclipse, Trump wasn’t allowed to look in the sky any more.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Do we really need the fighter jets to turn this thing into the world’s saddest used condom? (rub the balloon on Bernie Sanders and stick it to Canada)

February 2023

“President Biden had the Air Force shoot down the Chinese balloon. Poor Joe Biden. Obama got to order the assassination of Bin Laden, and all he gets to do is murder a bag of helium.” —Chelsea Handler

“President Biden ordered the balloon shot down over water, accomplished by a single missile fired from a F-22 Raptor fighter jet that took off from Langley air force base in Virginia. As usual, America went haywire and brought out way too much firepower to address this problem. Was that really necessary? Couldn’t we have just hired another hot air balloon to float by and shoot it with a BB gun? Or just waited for it to get stuck in a ceiling fan? Do we really need the fighter jets to turn this thing into the world’s saddest used condom?” —Chelsea Handler

“Instead of a medal, the pilot who popped the Chinese balloon got to pick any stuffed animal on the top shelf. The US didn’t really have a choice – the only other option was to rub the balloon on Bernie Sanders and stick it to Canada.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Sunday’s Grammy awards, lasted nearly four hours. That’s dangerous, because every CBS viewer knows that if it lasts longer than four hours, they should call their doctor.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hillary lost to Bruno Mars despite beating him by 3 million votes (We can start by asking...)

In last night's speech, President Trump reportedly didn't stray from the teleprompter once. Friends are saying it's the longest Donald Trump has stayed faithful to anything. --Conan O’Brien

President Trump gave his State of the Union address, and as per tradition, someone who opposes the president gave the rebuttal. So, this year's rebuttal was given by Melania. --Conan O’Brien

Hillary Clinton was on last night’s Grammys. Did you see that? Yeah, Hillary lost to Bruno Mars despite beating him by 3 million votes. --Conan O’Brien

This weekend the nation's airports were filled with people protesting president Trump's Muslim ban. It was the largest collection of angry people at an airport since every United Airlines flight. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I guess if I had a combover like that, I wouldn’t like windmills either? (Nobel prize for volleyball)

January 2023

“Donald Trump is out there campaigning for president, with stops for his 2024 bid in New Hampshire and South Carolina over the weekend. Trump ranted about the threat of windmills, and mimed knocking one over. He’s literally Don Quixote. It’s not even a metaphor any more. He’s battling windmills. I mean, I guess if I had a combover like that, I wouldn’t like windmills either? But it’s too much.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Here on The Late Show we openly refuse to heed the advice of a Huff Post headline that read ‘it’s time to stop talking about George Santos.’ Wrong, because the hits just keep on coming, as a new report found that several of Santos’s campaign donors appear to not exist. Victoria and Jonathan Regor, for example, could not be located anywhere in the US, and their listed address in New Jersey doesn’t exist. So bad news, he might have committed fraud. The good news, one less place that exists in New Jersey.” —Stephen Colbert

“George Santos’s spotlight-courting in DC, where he was spotted at a karaoke bar last week. Santos declined to sing but reportedly said his preferred karaoke song was I Will Survive. That is of course the disco classic, recorded in 1978 by George Santos. But if you do want to hear George Santos sing his lying heart out, you are in luck, as reporters have found what appears to be Santos’s old account on the singing app Smule, which includes his renditions of Hallelujah, the Pitch Perfect song Cups and Frozen’s Let It Go. According to Santos, those recordings earned him a Tony, a Grammy, a Purple Heart and the Nobel prize for volleyball.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Didn't Elton John wear that at the Grammys last year? (He only bowed to Dick Cheney)

"The movie 'Lincoln' opened over the weekend. It's getting unbelievable reviews. It's so authentic. Daniel Day-Lewis plays Lincoln. Sally Field plays Mary Todd Lincoln. John McCain plays himself." –Jay Leno

"Fox News is criticizing President Obama because he bowed to the Japanese emperor, and earlier he got in trouble with bowing to the Saudi king. See, that never would happen with President Bush. He only bowed to Dick Cheney." –Jay Leno

"I thought Hillary Clinton gave a great speech last night, terrific speech. That tangerine-colored pantsuit she was wearing -- maybe I'm wrong, but didn't Elton John wear that at the Grammys last year?" --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So, if you're dreaming of a really white Christmas, have I got the gift for you (Wow! This guy's a legend.)

November 2022

“Meanwhile, today, Mike Pence released his new memoir, ‘So Help Me God.’ So, if you're dreaming of a really white Christmas, have I got the gift for you.” —Jimmy Fallon

“That's right -- the Grammys will be at the Crypto.com Arena. Honestly, the Crypto.com Arena makes sense, because most of the nominees will walk away with nothing.” —Jimmy Fallon

“A man in China ran a full marathon in a pretty unique way. If the thought of running a marathon has you winded, imagine doing it while smoking a pack of cigarettes. He completed all 26.2 miles in 3 hours and 28 minutes. Wow! This guy's a legend. He's already on the front of the box of Wheezies.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's two hours of heavy breathing (the Bruce Jenner effect)

"It's fantastic that Congress has an increasing number of women. Experts call an increasingly female presence in a previously male space 'the Bruce Jenner effect.'" –Craig Ferguson

"I really think in all of what happened yesterday, the only person who should be considered a 'loser' is Donald Trump. I'll tell you why. He went on Twitter demanding a revolution. So far no one's listened to him — because he's Donald Trump! After that, Trump tweeted, 'The world is laughing at us.' I'm thinking, No, Donald. The world is laughing at you and this is why. It is because you're wearing an orange face and a crazy wig. This is the uniform the world over of a clown! Nobody laughs WITH the clown. They laugh AT the clown. Then when the clown gets angry, it is funnier." –Craig Ferguson

"Last night, Barack Obama won a Grammy for his audiobook. He's on a roll! 'What did you do over the weekend?' 'I won four primaries and a Grammy.' He beat four nominees, including Bill Clinton's audiobook. Barack Obama beating a Clinton? They're getting kind of used to that. I've heard Bill's audio book - it's not that good. It's two hours of heavy breathing." --Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

a missed opportunity for a legendary G.I. Jane joke (Have you been injured in an accident?’)

April 2022

Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelensky made a televised speech during Sunday’s Grammy Awards. It was a heartfelt impassioned plea to help the people of Ukraine but a missed opportunity for a legendary G.I. Jane joke. —Colin Jost

A personal injury attorney in Florida allegedly drove her car into four people. Said the attorney, ‘Have you been injured in an accident?’ —Colin Jost

A new lawsuit accuses Burger King of falsely advertising their Whoppers as bigger than what people actually get. It’s the same accusation made in the case of Women vs Michael Che. —Colin Jost

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

But not you, Kanye, we’re dealing with enough already (Yes, very sad. Anyway...)

April 2022

“Ukrainian President Zelensky made an appearance on the Grammys. He gave a heartfelt address to the Grammys audience. He said, ‘The silence of ruined cities and killed people. What is more opposite to music?’ Which is very profound: What is more opposite to music? I thought he was going say Nickelback, which would have been a sick burn. But this was better — keep it focused.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“And I got to say as a 48-year-old man, I was just happy to see someone at the Grammys whose name I knew.” —Seth Meyers

“Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelenskiy also appeared at the Grammys in a pre-taped address, and urged viewers to support Ukraine. ‘Fill the silence with your music!,’ he said. ‘Fill it today. To tell our story.’ Adding ‘But not you, Kanye, we’re dealing with enough already.’” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

nobody’s watching the uncensored Japanese version on Twitter, so that's a good thing (I’ve said it a million times)

April 2022

“Last night was the 64th annual Grammy Awards. And I think — I think it was a good night overall because nobody’s watching the uncensored Japanese version on Twitter, and that’s a good thing.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Doja Cat nearly missed her acceptance speech, because she was using the bathroom. See? This is why they need litter boxes under the seats — I’ve said it a million times.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Tonight we celebrate The Late Show’s bandleader Jon Batiste who won five Grammys, including album of the year for We Are. I’m not surprised at all that Jon won album of the year. You know who was surprised? Jon. You can tell he didn’t expect to go on stage because he wore his most casual rhinestone bishop’s vestments. During his acceptance speech, Jon spoke of his lifelong love of music: ‘I love music. I’ve been playing since I was a little boy. It’s more than entertainment for me; it’s a spiritual practice.’ That is lovely. Also, I’d like to apologize to Jon for interrupting his spiritual practice for years with jokes about Rudy Giuliani’s wine-soaked buffoonery.” —Stephen Colbert

“It was a fun night, hours and hours of musicians performing for free, or as that’s also known, Spotify.” —Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I can't trust him, but you, you people... (Just have sex and pray for the best)

February 2012

“Tomorrow we will find out the results of the Maine caucus. This is a tough choice for Maine voters - do they go with the guy who is intolerant of gays and premarital sex, or the guy who is really intolerant of gays and premarital sex? It's quite a choice...” –Jay Leno

“At the big conservative CPAC convention today, Newt Gingrich was introduced by his wife Calista. She said, 'Newt Gingrich is a man you can trust. I can't trust him, but you, you people...'" Jay Leno

"Congratulations to Mitt Romney. He got an honorary Grammy for best spoken word for being able to speak out of both sides of his mouth at the same time." –Jay Leno

"President Obama has compromised with the Catholic Church on this whole birth-control issue. The White House's new position? Just have sex and pray for the best." –Jay Leno 

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

because they’re hard for a fat guy to put on in a car (Lady Gaga meat dress)

February 2012

“Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, and Rick Santorum spent their week lecturing America about the morality of birth control. You know, you guys don’t need birth control, you are birth control.” –Bill Maher

“Santorum and Romney, they don’t like condoms because sex should all be about making babies. And Newt Gingrich doesn’t like them because they’re hard for a fat guy to put on in a car.” –Bill Maher

“One time Lady Gaga showed up at the Grammys wearing a dress made of meat. One time she showed up in a giant egg. One time she showed up strapped to the top of Mitt Romney's car.” –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

the biggest threat facing our nation/Lip Sync Battle/It’s better you hear it from a friend

“Over the weekend President Trump referred to Chrissy Teigen as Mr. Legend’s ‘filthy mouthed wife.’ That’s enough, sir! I’ve watched you denigrate countless American institutions but I draw the line at John Legend and Chrissy Teigen. He is an EGOT. EGOT! Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, Tony. And she — she is the only reason anybody tunes into ‘Lip Sync Battle.’ I’m sorry. I’m sorry, L.L. Cool J. It’s better you hear it from a friend.” --Stephen Colbert

“Trump thinks all of television should be about him all the times. [As Mr. Trump] ‘Just watched an episode of “Property Brothers.” They redid a bathroom. Not a mention of me, even though I use bathrooms all the time. I’m in one right now. Boring Drew Scott and his filthy mouthed twin are total losers!’” --Stephen Colbert

“Of course, there have been a lot of political polls recently, and a few of them really caught my attention. I’ll show you what I mean. For example, first, when asked who’s the biggest threat facing our nation, 50 percent said Vladimir Putin, 49 percent said Kim Jong-un, and Donald Trump said Chrissy Teigen.” --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Chilean miners said, 'Wow, we got off easy.' (yeah, that's our entire plan)

"A California man is suing Disney because he was trapped on the 'It’s a Small World' ride for 40 minutes. When they heard it, the Chilean miners said, 'Wow, we got off easy.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Over 83% of prostitutes have Facebook pages. You can tell which they are because their relationship status is 'It’s simple.'" –Conan O’Brien

"Christina Aguilera is bouncing back from her Super Bowl appearance by singing at the Grammys. She’ll be accompanied by a full orchestra and 135 teleprompters." –Conan O'Brien

"President Bush said that when it comes to hurricane preparedness, step number one is, quote, 'pray that there's no hurricanes.' Later President Bush admitted, yeah, that's our entire plan." --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Actually Trump’s worst nightmare is a Mexican guy forcing him to eat a salad (the winner of the Best Album was Tom Brady)

I was all set to host the Grammys, but at the last moment I was never asked. --Conan O’Brien

Yes, the Grammys were last night. Or as my parents call them, “The Who Are Theys?” --Conan O’Brien

There were a lot of exciting results from the Grammys, don’t ask he how, but the winner of the Best Album was Tom Brady. --Conan O’Brien

Kamala Harris has been accused of being “not black enough” which is the same criticism I have had to endure my entire career. --Conan O’Brien

Amy Klobuchar calls herself Trump’s worst nightmare. Actually Trump’s worst nightmare is a Mexican guy forcing him to eat a salad. --Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

They forgot to thank all the terrorists who made their artistic vision a reality (It only works once)

"But the big story of the night was, of course, the Dixie Chicks, who won five awards. At first, I thought the Chicks were a little rude in the acceptance speech. They forgot to thank all the terrorists who made their artistic vision a reality." --Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report

"You all watch the Grammys last night? The Dixie Chicks won five Grammys. I don't want to say President Bush was upset, but today he tried to get the Supreme Court to overturn the ballot results. It only works once." --Jay Leno

"Over the weekend, Senator Barack Obama announced he's running for president. Obama gave a speech in front of thousands of people in Iowa. During the speech, Obama pointed out his family in the crowd, which was unnecessary since he was in Iowa." --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”