Yesterday was asexuality day a day to express solidarity for people who don’t like sex. Shout out to all my former assistants. —Greg Gutfeld
Michelle Obama's new podcast is off to a slow start. Her podcast is ranked at number 34 on Spotify. In her defense most people don’t like her. —Greg Gutfeld
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
Spotify Wrapped users across the nation learned their listening habits of the year. These Spotify year-end wrap-ups are somehow more embarrassing than your porn search history. My top five artists qualified me for the senior discount at IHOP this year. If I show my pharmacist my top five, they give me Lipitor without a prescription. —Jimmy Kimmel
The most globally streamed artist of the year was, unsurprisingly, Taylor Swift, who is rumored to have moved into new beau Travis Kelce’s Kansas City home after a moving truck was spotted outside his house. Meanwhile, no video footage exists of the White House Christmas tree falling over from a gust of wind. Three hundred million iPhones in this country, not one of them was pointed at the White House at 5pm. A moving truck outside of Travis Kelce’s house? That they got, no problem. A 40ft tree almost falling on the White House? Nothing. This is why nobody believes in UFOs, by the way. —Jimmy Kimmel
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
“Last night was the 64th annual Grammy Awards. And I think — I think it was a good night overall because nobody’s watching the uncensored Japanese version on Twitter, and that’s a good thing.” —Jimmy Fallon
“Doja Cat nearly missed her acceptance speech, because she was using the bathroom. See? This is why they need litter boxes under the seats — I’ve said it a million times.” —Jimmy Kimmel
“Tonight we celebrate The Late Show’s bandleader Jon Batiste who won five Grammys, including album of the year for We Are. I’m not surprised at all that Jon won album of the year. You know who was surprised? Jon. You can tell he didn’t expect to go on stage because he wore his most casual rhinestone bishop’s vestments. During his acceptance speech, Jon spoke of his lifelong love of music: ‘I love music. I’ve been playing since I was a little boy. It’s more than entertainment for me; it’s a spiritual practice.’ That is lovely. Also, I’d like to apologize to Jon for interrupting his spiritual practice for years with jokes about Rudy Giuliani’s wine-soaked buffoonery.” —Stephen Colbert
“It was a fun night, hours and hours of musicians performing for free, or as that’s also known, Spotify.” —Jimmy Fallon
http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
According to a new government report, more Americans are living to be 100 years old and older than ever. Which is scary because it means we could have 90 more years of Justin Bieber. –Jimmy Kimmel
Last night was caucus night in Iowa and Ted Cruz was the winner on the Republican side with 28 percent of the vote. Donald Trump came in second with 24 percent, and Marco Rubio is right behind him with 23 percent. Third is pretty good considering the fact that most Iowa voters think that Marco Rubio is a game you play in the swimming pool. –Jimmy Kimmel
"Well, tonight in Washington, President Barack Obama gave his State of the Union address before a joint session of Congress. Joint session sounds like more fun than it is." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Governor Schwarzenegger is in a bit of a feud with former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin right now. They're fighting about global warming. Palin says it isn't proven. Schwarzenegger said she's 'living in the Stone Age.' And Palin really should know not to mess with Arnold Schwarzenegger. This guy has been systematically terminating women named Sarah for many years now." –Jimmy Kimmel
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
"Listen to this: In 2009, the F.B.I. reported a 20 percent decrease in the number of people robbing banks. There was, however, a huge increase in the number of banks robbing people." –Jimmy Fallon
The Harry Potter Studio Tour just announced that it's hosting a Valentine's Day dinner in the Great Hall from Hogwarts. It's great for couples, or for single guys who claim their date is wearing an “invisibility cloak.” –Jimmy Fallon
"Former Arkansas governor and potential 2016 candidate Mike Huckabee is releasing his 12th book later this month called, 'God, Guns, Grits, and Gravy.' The craziest part: that's just his favorite aisle at Wal-Mart." –Jimmy Fallon
"Fifteen states across the country have gas prices that have dipped below $2. That means it's now cheaper to buy a gallon of liquefied dinosaurs than one cup of coffee at Starbucks." –Jimmy Fallon
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
Some more news out of Washington. The government is spending $24 million to replace two refrigerators on Air Force One. Until then, they’re keeping perishables cold by putting them between Donald and Melania. --Jimmy Fallon
Sunday is also the Kitten Bowl on the Hallmark Channel. It will feature the Little Long Tails going up against their rival, a red laser pointer. --Jimmy Fallon
"It's rumored that Chris Christie and Mitt Romney are planning to meet to overcome any lingering awkwardness from the 2012 election. Incidentally, 'Lingering Awkwardness' was actually Mitt Romney's Secret Service code name." –Jimmy Fallon
Two new ax-throwing bars will open in Boston this year. Boston is getting a new bar where people can try ax-throwing. So far, all the customers give it one-and-a-half thumbs up. --Jimmy Fallon
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
