At this point I’d probably have more rights if my vagina was an AR-15 (doing whatever the [expletive] he wants with his body)

“And yet Republicans intend to press further, as the House minority leader,

Kevin McCarthy, made clear on Friday: ‘We will continue to look wherever

we can go to save as many lives as possible.’ Sure, just as long as that life

doesn’t need baby formula, affordable healthcare, or a place to learn without

getting shot.” —Chelsea Handler

“At this point I’d probably have more rights if my vagina was an AR-15.” —Chelsea Handler

“I will be here all week long, or at least until Republicans make it illegal for women to talk. Jimmy is off right now doing whatever the [expletive] he wants with his body.” —Chelsea Handler

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Do we really need the fighter jets to turn this thing into the world’s saddest used condom? (rub the balloon on Bernie Sanders and stick it to Canada)

February 2023

“President Biden had the Air Force shoot down the Chinese balloon. Poor Joe Biden. Obama got to order the assassination of Bin Laden, and all he gets to do is murder a bag of helium.” —Chelsea Handler

“President Biden ordered the balloon shot down over water, accomplished by a single missile fired from a F-22 Raptor fighter jet that took off from Langley air force base in Virginia. As usual, America went haywire and brought out way too much firepower to address this problem. Was that really necessary? Couldn’t we have just hired another hot air balloon to float by and shoot it with a BB gun? Or just waited for it to get stuck in a ceiling fan? Do we really need the fighter jets to turn this thing into the world’s saddest used condom?” —Chelsea Handler

“Instead of a medal, the pilot who popped the Chinese balloon got to pick any stuffed animal on the top shelf. The US didn’t really have a choice – the only other option was to rub the balloon on Bernie Sanders and stick it to Canada.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Sunday’s Grammy awards, lasted nearly four hours. That’s dangerous, because every CBS viewer knows that if it lasts longer than four hours, they should call their doctor.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They have a similar result, but there’s a vas deferens (an invincible love)

June 2022

“With contraception in the judicial cross hairs, folks are taking their genitals into their own hands, with men rushing to get vasectomies — and then very slowly walking home from them.” —Stephen Colbert

“According to one urologist, before the Supreme Court’s ruling he received four or five vasectomy requests a day. But since the decision, that number has spiked to 12 to 18. Makes sense. The most effective forms of birth control for men are abstinence and vasectomies. They have a similar result, but there’s a vas deferens.” —Stephen Colbert

“I’ve never personally performed a vasectomy, but I’d like to try my very first one on Samuel Alito.” —Chelsea Handler

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

His biggest weakness? Name recognition. (and I'm not even sure of that)

June 2022

“Well, guys, it’s been a tough couple of days for the Giuliani family. First, Rudy Giuliani — I don’t know if you heard this — he claimed that he was assaulted at a grocery store, but security footage showed that it was more of a pat on his back. And then, last night, Rudy’s son Andrew Giuliani lost the Republican primary for New York governor. Yeah. His biggest weakness? Name recognition.” —Jimmy Fallon

“It was a tough night for Andrew. He gave his dad a big hug, and then Rudy accused him of assault.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Andrew, honey, I hope you know that you lost, not because of your swollen bee sting head, or because you’ve got a smile like a jack-o’-lantern, or because you have zero qualifications. You lost because your last name is now toxic, because your dad had one week after 9/11 when he was considered a hero, but then he blew it when he went [expletive] nuts. There are so many questions left unanswered. Would Andrew have lost if his dad didn’t try to overthrow democracy from a landscaping store, or sweat gravy during a press conference? We’ll never know.” —Chelsea Handler

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Something tells me this isn’t the first time Rudy has exaggerated the size of something (And just like nails, he’s always hammered)

June 2022

“Folks, speaking of January 6th plotters, this weekend Rudy Giuliani was assaulted by a grocery store worker on Staten Island. Before I go any further, before I say anything else, let me say that Rudy Giuliani is fine, other than the fact that he remains Rudy Giuliani.” —Stephen Colbert

“Something tells me this isn’t the first time Rudy has exaggerated the size of something.” —Chelsea Handler

“You think that’s what being shot feels like? No wonder you’re not concerned about guns. That wasn’t a slap. That was a Little League coach saying, ‘You’ll get ’em next time.’” —Seth Meyers

“After the video evidence came out, the D.A. released the assailant, who also had the charges against him reduced. They’ve gone from felony assault down to back-tap with intent to ‘Hey!’” —Stephen Colbert

“Rudy remains undaunted. His son, Andrew, and his load-bearing teeth say we don’t have to worry about Rudy because he’s ‘tough as nails.’ And just like nails, he’s always hammered.” —Stephen Colbert

“Tonight I join the millions of Americans who are outraged over the supreme court’s decision to overturn Roe v Wade, which left the right to bodily autonomy incinerated by a corrupt gang of unaccountable, rightwing theocrats who definitely think the Scarlet Letter was a comedy.” —Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Who the hell let him out of his car seat? (or I could steal a car from the Secret Service)

June 2022

“The latest January 6th hearings have been insane, after Cassidy Hutchinson, a Trump aide, testified that the former president hurled his lunch against the wall in anger, lunged at a Secret Service agent and attempted to grab the steering wheel of the presidential limousine so that he could join the rioters at the Capitol. I, too, was shocked to hear that Trump threw any of his food away.” —Trevor Noah

“Evidently, the former president breaks a lot of dishes, which is why his handlers make sure his meals are served only in bucket or edible bowl.” —Stephen Colbert

“I mean you’ve got to admit, though, fighting your own Secret Service agent is genius on Trump’s part — he’s hitting the one person who can’t hit back. Yeah, they can punch back but then they’ve got to jump in front of their own punch.” —Trevor Noah

“When grabbing the steering wheel didn’t work, he grabbed the car by the [expletive].” —Chelsea Handler

“Immediately the agents were like, ‘Who the hell let him out of his car seat?’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Not to victim blame, but this is on the Secret Service, all right? You had four years to Trump-proof that vehicle — you knew who you were dealing with. There should have been a toy steering wheel in the passenger seat the whole time. Just let him think he’s driving and go back to the West Wing anyway.” —Trevor Noah

“This whole thing shows you how lazy Trump is. The Capitol is like two miles away. Everyone else walked there. But Trump was like ‘I could walk there, I could walk … or I could steal a car from the Secret Service.’” —Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

At this point I’d probably have more rights if my vagina was an AR-15 (1 in 6 American children live in poverty)

June 2022

“I will be here all week long, or at least until Republicans make it illegal for women to talk. Jimmy is off right now doing whatever the [expletive] he wants with his body.” —Chelsea Handler

“Remember like five days ago when Fox News told us the biggest threat facing America was drag queens? That was cute.” —Chelsea Handler

“At this point I’d probably have more rights if my vagina was an AR-15.” —Chelsea Handler

“And yet Republicans intend to press further, as the House minority leader, Kevin McCarthy, made clear on Friday: ‘We will continue to look wherever we can go to save as many lives as possible.’ Sure, just as long as that life doesn’t need baby formula, affordable healthcare, or a place to learn without getting shot.” —Chelsea Handler

“Not only has this decision further divided our country, most families now have two separate group texts going: one with relatives who support the rights of women and one with the relatives who live in Florida.” —Chelsea Handler

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”