So good news, my dad can fly out for Easter after all (It’s all part of Oregon’s “right to die” law)

According to a study, being a new mother is the equivalent of working two and a half full-time jobs. And, even worse, the boss is constantly grabbing for your breasts. --Conan O’Brien

After causing a huge controversy, United Airlines now says it will allow any paying passenger to wear leggings. So good news, my dad can fly out for Easter after all. –Conan O’Brien

A woman in Oregon who was hospitalized for E. coli after eating Chipotle is suing the company for free Chipotle. It’s all part of Oregon’s “right to die” law. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You got five minutes. No touching! (At least that’s the explanation coming from United Airlines)

Salad chain Sweetgreen announced yesterday they will give employees five months of paid parental leave. And Walmart announced they'll let employees see their families once a year. "You got five minutes. No touching!" --Seth Meyers

A 101-year-old man recently became the oldest person to skydive. At least that’s the explanation coming from United Airlines. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s actually the safest place to be when you fly United (he should know his name by now)

Donald Trump is also attracting criticism after he singled out a black supporter at a rally on Friday and told the crowd, "Look at my African-American," which is clearly racist, but also, he should know his name by now. –Seth Meyers

An 88-year-old woman has set a new record for oldest female to stand on the wing of a flying plane. It sounds dangerous, but it’s actually the safest place to be when you fly United. –Seth Meyers

Donald Trump said that the United States should block all Muslims from entering the country. He said that in fact, the only reason we should ever allow ANYONE to come here from ANY country is to marry him. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

At least that’s the explanation coming from United Airlines (She came in third — behind a bag of weed)

A 101-year-old man recently became the oldest person to skydive. At least that’s the explanation coming from United Airlines. –Seth Meyers

Bernie Sanders won last night's Oregon Democratic primary and this was a surprise. Hillary came in third — behind a bag of weed. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And every single time it turns out they lied (there’s no dog)

A United Airlines flight from Germany was forced to return to the airport after the toilet broke and leaked into the cabin. Though it’s the perfect punishment for people who take their shoes off on planes. —Colin Jost

A man diagnosed with schizophrenia has been given a support dog to help him determine what is real and what’s a hallucination. The craziest part is — there’s no dog. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Paranoia and Ads for Cialis (We’re back, baby!)

Fox News is dropping its famous tagline, “Fair and Balanced.” Fox News is swapping it for the more accurate tagline, “Paranoia and Ads for Cialis.” –Conan O’Brien

Experts say that if President Trump were to fire Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller, all hell would break loose. Or as Trump calls that, “Thursday.” –Conan O’Brien

A United Airlines employee is under fire for pushing over a 71-year-old passenger. Or as the CEO of United put it, “We’re back, baby!” –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

But how will we pay for that? (At least that’s the explanation coming from United Airlines)

President Trump yesterday issued a statement calling for paid family leave. Which is a little surprising until you remember that he’s already paid two families to leave. –Seth Meyers

A 101-year-old man recently became the oldest person to skydive. At least that’s the explanation coming from United Airlines. –Seth Meyers

"60 Minutes" correspondent Morley Safer will formally retire this week after 46 seasons with the show. Safer made his name as a young reporter covering the landmark case of "Asteroid v. Dinosaurs." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He was survived by his wife and 167 children (Yes, but somehow we manage/Mud Maid)

The NFL Draft is this week and the Houston Texans will announce some of their picks from outer space, using astronauts aboard the International Space Station. Meanwhile the Patriots will announce their picks from a Russian spy satellite. –Seth Meyers

United Airlines is investigating a report that a giant rabbit died on a flight from London to Chicago. He was survived by his wife and 167 children. –Seth Meyers

President Trump said yesterday that being president has been a big burden on his family. “Yes, but somehow we manage,” said Melania from her penthouse in New York. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Trust me. You know how to dance! (a six-hour safety briefing)

After causing a huge controversy, United Airlines now says it will allow any paying passenger to wear leggings. So good news, my dad can fly out for Easter after all. –Conan O’Brien

The other day at LAX, a flight attendant was caught smuggling cocaine. People became suspicious when she gave passengers a six-hour safety briefing. –Conan O’Brien

Portland is planning to offer homeless people a free bus ticket out of town. Of course, the problem in Portland is figuring out who’s homeless and who’s just in a band. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hillary lost to Bruno Mars despite beating him by 3 million votes (We can start by asking...)

In last night's speech, President Trump reportedly didn't stray from the teleprompter once. Friends are saying it's the longest Donald Trump has stayed faithful to anything. --Conan O’Brien

President Trump gave his State of the Union address, and as per tradition, someone who opposes the president gave the rebuttal. So, this year's rebuttal was given by Melania. --Conan O’Brien

Hillary Clinton was on last night’s Grammys. Did you see that? Yeah, Hillary lost to Bruno Mars despite beating him by 3 million votes. --Conan O’Brien

This weekend the nation's airports were filled with people protesting president Trump's Muslim ban. It was the largest collection of angry people at an airport since every United Airlines flight. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the flight attendant handed him a live goose and an axe (Put their hands in their pockets)

If you went shopping on Black Friday, I assume you are watching

this on a brand new 60-inch flat screen from the comfort of your

brand new full-body cast. –James Corden

On a recent flight from Singapore to Japan, a passenger on a budget airline asked for a cup of water and the flight attendant gave him a cup of ice and told him to wait for the ice to melt. But it got worse. The passenger asked for a down pillow and the flight attendant handed him a live goose and an axe. --James Corden

United Airlines just announced a new plan where you will have to pay to store a carry-on in the overhead bin. What’s next? “In case of a water landing, your seat can be used as a flotation device for only $129. Major credit cards accepted.” –James Corden

I don't think people who participate in Black Friday are there for the bargains. It seems like they go for a socially acceptable excuse to punch a stranger in the face. –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the best way to give my hair this amazing volume (Hey, can I film this?)

October 2022

A popular Peloton instructor is suing the company for nearly $2 Million alleging that an executive mocked him for being Irish. In response the executive counter sued him for all the treasure in his pot of gold. —Colin Jost

A United Airlines passenger who was high on mushrooms assaulted two flight attendants. While over at Spirit Airlines, bath salts are the in-flight snack. —Colin Jost

 Researchers say the number of gray whales off western North America has continued to decline for several years. It’s a sad fact that makes me wonder if whale oil is really the best way to give my hair this amazing volume. —Colin Jost

A video has gone viral of a doctor removing nearly two dozen contact lenses from a woman’s eye that she had forgotten were in there. And you know that you messed up when your doctor is like, ‘Hey, can I film this?’ —Colin Jost

Border officials have discovered $400,000 worth of meth hidden inside pumpkins. They could tell the pumpkins were full of meth because they only had three teeth left. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

At least that’s the explanation coming from United Airlines (Oh, that's catchy)

“President Trump today denied a Washington Post report that he was considering rescinding his nomination of Supreme Court justice Neil Gorsuch. Prior to his confirmation, calling it, you guessed it, fake news. Hey, man, you're burning out your own catch phrase. Pretty soon you're going to need a new catch phrase, like "It's golfing time." Or "I hereby resign from the presidency of the United States." Oh, that's catchy. –Seth Meyers

 

The House passed a Republican tax bill today, which was great news for everyone from the super wealthy all the way down to the, that's it. –Seth Meyers

Hillary Clinton had a phone interview with CNN's Anderson Cooper last night and she HAD to do it by phone, because nobody could possibly lie to that face. --Seth Meyers

A 101-year-old man recently became the oldest person to skydive. At least that’s the explanation coming from United Airlines. –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Just ask any of his three wives (emotional support peacocks)

John Kasich over the weekend said lots of women have left their kitchens to work on his campaign. Yeah, that will certainly help the upcoming election of 1956. –James Corden

United Airlines prevented a woman from boarding her flight out of Newark, New Jersey, because she tried to board with an emotional-support pet, which was her peacock. They were all set to let both of them on, but then they caught the peacock with over three and a half ounces of shampoo. It got even more awkward when the woman was like, "That's not a peacock, that's my friend Lady Gaga." But this was a devastating blow to the peacock's confidence, it really was. They had to stop on the way home and get the peacock an emotional support peacock. --James Corden

In the last two days President Trump has fired his head of the Department of Homeland Security and the head of the Secret Service. I guess Trump’s newest plan is to build his wall out of his former staff. --James Corden

A family returning from vacation recently showed up to their flight with a company called Tui Airlines, only to find that their assigned seats did not exist. So they had to spend their entire flight sitting on the floor. Spirit Airlines heard about this and were like, “Wait, we don’t have to give our customers seats? We’re allowed to do this?” The family’s seat assignments were for seats that didn’t exist or as the airline is now calling it, Economy Minus. --James Corden

Trump's explanation for keeping Lewandowski on staff is that he's a loyal person. And Trump IS a loyal person. Just ask any of his three wives. –James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

My man, don’t be so modest (I need to re-evaluate my behavior)

December 2021

“If you fly Spirit, that’s the oxygen mask that drops down in an emergency.” — Jimmy Fallon, on a United Airlines passenger who wore a red thong on his face to protest mask requirements (and who later compared himself to Rosa Parks)

“Rosa Parks? My man, don’t be so modest — you’re more than Rosa Parks. If anything, you’re the Martin Luther King of white dudes comparing themselves to Black heroes for no reason.” —Trevor Noah

“A few minutes later, an air marshal walked over and gave him a mouth wedgie.” —Jimmy Fallon

“You know, for real, sometimes I think conservatives are right: America shouldn’t be teaching the history of racism in schools, because then at least white people wouldn’t know who to compare themselves to when they get kicked off airplanes for doing dumb [expletive]. ‘I’m exactly the same as — huh, I can’t think of anybody, you know? Maybe I’m just a [expletive] wearing panties on my face. I need to re-evaluate my behavior.’” —Trevor Noah

“And, by the way, can we all agree there’s no way this dude just starting sniffing thongs during the pandemic? I bet you he’s been going around for years like, ‘Looks like I got kicked out of the dorm because I’m once again the Rosa Parks of my sister’s friend’s underwear drawer.’” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They will now be wheeled onboard like Hannibal Lecter (OK, Tasers it is)

August 2021

“Guys, I saw that United Airlines has instructed its flight crew not to use duct tape when dealing with unruly passengers. Don’t use it, yeah. Flight attendants heard and were like, ‘OK, Tasers it is.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“That’s right, United isn’t allowed to use duct tape, while passengers on Frontier Airlines will now be wheeled onboard like Hannibal Lecter.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Yeah, according to the memo, United is against using duct tape unless it’s holding up one of their engines. That’s where they draw the line.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The engine fell off, but somehow we still made it (and six days after that, both my kids had agents)

March 2021

“Yeah, it was a year ago today that we had our last show with a full audience. Six days later, I did the show from home, and six days after that, both my kids had agents.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Yeah, the past year was just like flying United Airlines. The engine fell off, but somehow we still made it.” —Jimmy Fallon

“If you had told me a year ago that nearly 100 million Americans would be vaccinated for Covid by March 2021, I would have said, ‘What are you talking about? They said this will be over in two weeks. All we’ve got to do is flatten the curve, that’s it. When the warm weather comes, it will just disappear.’” —James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A poet that belongs with the Masters. A magisterial collection. A combination of 

Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

If only there were some other liquid I could splash myself with (Katarina and Nadia)

Meanwhile, in prophylactic news, Durex is recalling batches of “Real Feel” condoms. Durex assured customers that anyone who bought the recalled condoms can “return them to the place of purchase.” To which the place of purchase responded: “Please Don’t.” --Stephen Colbert

United Airlines has released a cookbook so you can make airline food at home. It’s the perfect gift for the person who has everything and is also someone you hate. --Stephen Colbert

But the shutdown is affecting Trump, because the White House hasn’t been able to pay its water bill during the shutdown. Colbert as Trump, “No water? If only there were some other liquid I could splash myself with. Call this number and ask for Katarina and Nadia.” --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

if the drive-thru were run by an alligator and his stripper girlfriend (We're awake, Bob!)

Recently passengers on a United Airlines flight from Scotland to New Jersey got a bit of a shock when the pilot came out of the cockpit, changed out of his uniform, and fell asleep in a first-class seat. The only way this could have been more concerning for the passengers is if the pilot also had an emotional support dog. --James Corden

A couple in Florida was just arrested for selling drugs out of their mobile home after police noticed that they had constructed — and we're not making this up — a drive-thru window. The only way this story could be more Florida is if the drive-thru were run by an alligator and his stripper girlfriend. --James Corden

During an interview yesterday, Bob Woodward, the veteran journalist and author of a new book detailing the chaos and insanity inside the Trump administration, concluded by saying that people need to "wake up" to what's going on in the White House. Wake up? We're awake, Bob! We're awake! I haven't had a full night's sleep in two years! --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

The pain reminds me I'm alive (Secretary of Steak)

A new trend has emerged where women are having diamonds pierced into their finger instead of wearing engagement rings. "The pain reminds me I'm alive," [photo of Melania] said one woman. --Seth Meyers

Thousands of flights were delayed or canceled today due to a snowstorm in the Northeast. So I guess your life has been spared for one more day, dogs who had tickets on United! --Seth Meyers

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html