Do you really think we'd start a war under false pretenses? (she won the Grammy for Best Mistake)

Last night at the Grammys, Adele started a tribute to George Michael but messed up and so she started over. She was on such a roll that she won the Grammy for Best Mistake. –Conan O’Brien

The U.S. Army has officially lifted its ban on soldiers having dreadlocks. This is good news for the Army’s elite Hacky Sack Corps. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

so get ready for Supreme Court Justice Extra Crispy (but don’t forget, the cops were spraying for two)

"You know what, folks? I miss George W. Bush. That man knew how to sell a war. Obama has hard evidence of weapons of mass destruction and he can't even get England to go along with it. Meanwhile, President Bush got an international coalition with nothing more than Colin Powell's reputation and half a test tube of crystal light." –Stephen Colbert

"Some have criticized the police for pepper spraying a pregnant woman, but don’t forget, the cops were spraying for two." –Stephen Colbert

“Donald Trump is thrilled to have this opportunity. A source close to him revealed that Trump has been ‘salivating’ to nominate a replacement — so get ready for Supreme Court Justice Extra Crispy.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey, three for three (Remember kids...)

In China, for the first time ever, a robot performed dental surgery without human assistance. Everyone was excited until they remembered that the robot was just supposed to vacuum the living room. –Conan O’Brien

"Of course, you all saw this. This is what I'm talking about. Kayne West at the Video Music Awards. Kayne West interrupted Taylor Swift's acceptance speech. And after he did that, after he was done interrupting her, MTV threw him out of the building. So it's official. MTV has a lower tolerance for bad behavior than the United States Congress." --Conan O'Brien

In newly leaked emails, former Secretary of State Colin Powell calls Hillary Clinton “greedy,” and Donald Trump “a disgrace,” and Dick Cheney an “idiot.” In response, Americans everywhere said, “Hey, three for three.” –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Platforming Trump is one of the least evil things CNN has done (We need it for our bongs)

"Hillary Clinton is making headlines now for nonpolitical reasons. She attended a number of public events without makeup on. Is that a big deal? I'm pretty sure Colin Powell went without makeup a lot." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The death of Osama bin Laden has apparently damaged our relationship with al Qaeda. Al Qaeda says we're going to pay for Osama bin Laden's death. I'm pretty sure we did. We even took care of funeral arrangements. Maybe a thank you would be nice." –Jimmy Kimmel

Here in California, we are in the middle of a very serious drought. Our governor imposed permanent water conservation rules and said this drought might not ever end. Well, not with that attitude, it won't. Water is a precious resource in California. We need it for our bongs. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

A woman's place is in her Union (slippers that come with the robe)

October 2022

“Kanye West will be banned from the Ed Sullivan theater following his antisemitic comments. On Wednesday, the disgraced rapper, who was dropped from his lucrative deal with Adidas, was removed from the Skechers headquarters in Los Angeles after an unannounced visit. In five years, the idea of unannounced visit from Kanye has gone from ‘amazing!’ to ‘sir, you need to leave this Skechers.’ Unlike with Adidas, West never had a business deal with Skechers – apparently Kanye is so desperate, he’s just driving around searching Google Maps for ‘shoes near me.’ At this point, he’s going to have to set his sights lower and become the celebrity spokesman for ‘slippers that come with the robe.’” —Stephen Colbert

“Looking ahead to the upcoming midterm elections, for which Joe Biden is doing everything he can to push his party over the top. Now, he’s reaching out to your average Joe six-cylinder by playing up his car-guy persona, hoping his gearhead reputation will appeal to the Republican base. Yes, with the fate of our nation at stake, the Democrats have a plan: Republicans. Biden even went on Jay Leno’s Garage, where the two men drove a 1978 F-100 pickup converted to all-electric which Biden described as ‘quiet as hell’. They might want to add some sound, actually, because you know what sounds dangerous? A completely silent 44-year-old truck driven by a grandpa who hasn’t been behind the wheel in two years.” —Stephen Colbert

“President Biden also drove his 1967 corvette at 118mph for a drag race with the son of the late secretary of state Colin Powell. Any faster and he would’ve driven back to 1955 and made out with Marty McFly’s mom, which I’m pretty sure he did in 1955.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I gotta say, there’s nothing better than checking out the news and hearing, "It was a great night for O.J.!" (Hey, three for three)

In newly leaked emails, former Secretary of State Colin Powell calls Hillary Clinton “greedy,” and Donald Trump “a disgrace,” and Dick Cheney an “idiot.” In response, Americans everywhere said, “Hey, three for three.” –Conan O’Brien

"Florida's Republican governor, Charlie Crist, got a hold of President Obama's speech to students in advance, because everyone was talking about how controversial it might be. He decided there was nothing partisan and he allowed his kids to watch it. Of course, like everyone else in Florida, Crist's kids are in their late 60s." --Conan O'Brien

"The University of Wyoming recently announced they are naming an international student center after former Vice President Dick Cheney because if there are two things that make you think, welcome foreigners, it's Dick Cheney and Wyoming." --Conan O'Brien

One of the big winners at last night's Emmys was "The People v. O.J. Simpson." I gotta say, there’s nothing better than checking out the news and hearing, "It was a great night for O.J.!" –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You’re the witness protection program (a confused old person yelling at something that doesn't exist)

"Ann Romney was telling details of their personal life. She said that when she and Mitt were young, 'He was nice to my parents, but really glad when my parents weren't around.' And with his Medicare plan, they won't be." –Bill Maher

"If your party can run the nation for eight years, and then have a national convention and not invite Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Colin Powell, Karl Rove or Tom DeLay, you’re not a political movement. You’re the witness protection program." –Bill Maher

"Ann Romney was appealing to women for the women's vote, and she said she was living proof that if you work hard and apply yourself, there is nothing you can't marry." –Bill Maher

"Clint Eastwood came out at the Republican convention and did ten minutes of wingnut improv. It was kind of a metaphor for the entire Republican party -- a confused old person yelling at something that doesn't exist." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I knew watermelons were against us (Maybe a thank you would be nice)

"The death of Osama bin Laden has apparently damaged our relationship with al Qaeda. Al Qaeda says we're going to pay for Osama bin Laden's death. I'm pretty sure we did. We even took care of funeral arrangements. Maybe a thank you would be nice." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Hillary Clinton is making headlines now for nonpolitical reasons. She attended a number of public events without makeup on. Is that a big deal? I'm pretty sure Colin Powell went without makeup a lot." –Jimmy Kimmel

"For years, the CIA thought bin Laden was sick and on dialysis, but one of his wives said he recovered from two kidney operations in part by eating watermelon every day. I knew watermelons were against us." –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

on the plus side means that 29% of Americans know there is a place called Syria (Take a bow, Bushie)

September 2013

"You know what, folks? I miss George W. Bush. That man knew how to sell a war. Obama has hard evidence of weapons of mass destruction and he can't even get England to go along with it. Meanwhile, President Bush got an international coalition with nothing more than Colin Powell's reputation and half a test tube of crystal light." –Stephen Colbert

"Only 29% of Americans want the U.S. to attack Syria -- which on the plus side means that 29% of Americans know there is a place called Syria." –Stephen Colbert

"John McCain was caught playing video poker on his iPhone during the Senate hearings the other day. Everybody is criticizing McCain, but compared to what other politicians are doing on their iPhones, that's not so bad, OK?" –Jay Leno 

"President Obama is asking Congress to support a military strike in Syria. If they approve, it will be the first time Congress has officially declared war since Obamacare." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

then hit the bar for bottomless piña colada boarding (Uh, do you mean Jared?)

June 2021

“A forthcoming book by two Washington Post journalists is said to provide new information about the Trump administration’s response to the coronavirus pandemic. The main detail: There wasn’t one.” —Stephen Colbert

“According to the book, early in the pandemic former President Donald J. Trump suggested sending Covid-infected American cruise ship passengers to the Guantánamo Bay naval base in Cuba to avoid adding to U.S. case numbers. The president wanted to send cruise ship passengers to Gitmo, so enjoy your beach day with a complimentary head sack, then hit the bar for bottomless piña colada boarding.” —Stephen Colbert

“And you know he said he wants to send them to ‘Geronimo Bay’ or something like that.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Of course the reality star wanted to send them to an island. He probably sent a camera crew, too, and called it ‘Survirus’ or something.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“This is another good McNugget for the book. Trump — they say he was very upset about Covid testing because he believed that positive tests would look bad and hurt his chances of re-election. He had a call with Alex Azar, who was his secretary of health and human services, and he demanded to know what ‘idiot’ decided to make the federal government do testing, and Alex Azar was like, ‘Uh, do you mean Jared?’” — Jimmy Kimmel, referencing Jared Kushner, Trump’s son-in-law and senior adviser

“Imagine being in that administration and someone calling you ‘the idiot.’ That’s like being in the N.B.A. and your nickname is ‘the tall guy.’” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This news surprised many elderly Americans who thought they were the same person (You can do that?)

October 2012

"Today Colin Powell endorsed Barack Obama for president. This news surprised many elderly Americans who thought they were the same person." –Craig Ferguson

"Anybody excited about the World Series? The San Francisco Giants, who looked pretty good last night, face the Detroit Tigers. Here's what I predict. I predict the whole thing will be decided in Ohio." –David Letterman

"How about the Giants' Pablo Sandoval? In the game last night, he had three home runs and a single. And today Alex Rodriguez of the Yankees said, 'You can do that?'" –David Letterman

"Pablo Sandoval hit three homers in the first game against the Tigers in the World Series, and today, first thing, Donald Trump demanded to see his birth certificate." –David Letterman

"The debates are over. All that's left right now is to set up and rig the voting machines." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Nothing really changes and you never had a voice (drowned in bulls**t)

August 2012

"If your party can run the nation for eight years, and then have a national convention and not invite Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Colin Powell, Karl Rove or Tom DeLay, you’re not a political movement. You’re the witness protection program." –Bill Maher

"First the good news: Louisiana, knee-deep in water, but this time, the levees held from the big hurricane. That’s good. However, Tampa, Florida this week nearly drowned in bulls**t." –Bill Maher

"Paul Ryan made a speech the other night, even a columnist for Fox News said it set a world record for the greatest number of lies in a single speech. To which Mitt Romney said, 'Game on.'" –Bill Maher

"Fox News's coverage of the Republican convention got beat in their ratings by 'Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.' That's not a good comment on America. One is a view of the world as seen through the eyes of a redneck child, and the other is 'Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.'" –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm pretty sure Colin Powell went without makeup a lot (The REAL Pyramid Scheme)

May 2012

"President Obama came out with approval of same-sex marriage. He said that over the years, he has been going through an evolution on the issue. That makes opponents on the far right doubly angry. They don't believe in gay marriage OR evolution." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Tomorrow Obama happens to have a fundraising dinner at George Clooney's house. Very interesting. I think they are getting married!" –Jimmy Kimmel

"North Carolina voted to approve an amendment that specifically defines marriage as between a man and a woman, which makes no sense because they let 'Dawson's Creek' shoot there for years." –Jimmy Kimmel 

"Hillary Clinton is making headlines now for nonpolitical reasons. She attended a number of public events without makeup on. Is that a big deal? I'm pretty sure Colin Powell went without makeup a lot." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A poet that belongs with the Masters. A magisterial collection. A combination of 

Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

How were we to know it was BOGUS? (I believe the word is covfefe)

“The U.S. military accidentally sent a draft letter ordering U.S. troops to leave Iraq and the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff called it a ‘kerfuffle.’ Then Trump was like, ‘I believe the word is covfefe.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Yeah, that’s right: The Pentagon released an announcement saying they were pulling out the troops and then they were like, ‘Backsies! I didn’t take my hand off the piece, I didn’t take my hand off the piece. That’s not the move!’” —Trevor Noah

“You can’t send someone a letter of that magnitude and then say it doesn’t mean anything. That’s like saying, ‘Honey, that breakup email was from my drafts folder. Now, as I was saying, with this ring, I thee wed.’” —Stephen Colbert

“These people control nuclear weapons and they can’t even handle Microsoft Outlook.” —Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Thank goodness! It was just maintenance neglect (both sides were trying to shoot him)

"Fox News' Geraldo Rivera was caught in the middle of a firefight between pro- and anti-government forces in Libya. He was lucky to get out alive because both sides were trying to shoot him." –Jay Leno

"Southwest Airlines said that the hole that ripped through the fuselage of one of their airplanes was not terrorism-related. Thank goodness! It was just maintenance neglect." –Jay Leno

"And Colin Powell said this week he once spent two and a half hours trying to talk President Bush out of going to war in Iraq. Well actually, the first hour and a half were spent trying to get Bush to put down the Gameboy." --Jay Leno

"President Bush raised $27 million for the Republican Party. A record at a fundraiser. Interesting pricing at the event, like for $2,500 you got dinner. $25,000 got your picture taken with the president. And for $250,000 you got your license plate made by a former Republican official now in jail." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Who's the Freak in the generals uniform? (then he flew to Japan and threw up on the Prime Minister)

One of the jurors chosen for the Michael Jackson trial is an 81 year old woman who says she never reads newspapers or watches TV. Yet apparently she's telling the truth because at one point she said, ”Who's the Freak in the generals uniform?” --Conan O’Brien 2/25/2005

It’s two days until the Oscars and in Hollywood they're getting ready. They’re hammering, sawing and scraping. And that's just Joan Rivers face. --Conan O’Brien 2/25/2005

George W. Bush finally picked his running mate. It’s Dick Cheney. Some political analysts are saying that by picking Dick Cheney as his running mate and hoping to put Colin Powell in his cabinet George W. Bush just wants to recreate his father’s administration. And in response George W. Bush said that is ridiculous, then he flew to Japan and threw up on the Prime Minister. --Conan O’Brien 7/26/2000

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

George Bush plans on being the first person ever to lose a conversation (reverse genius)

"Ex-Secretary of State Colin Powell went on CBS to reaffirm that he's still a Republican. And just to prove it, he promised to lose an election right there on the show." --Jimmy Fallon

"On his radio show yesterday, Rush Limbaugh called Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor a 'reverse racist.' I got to hand it to Limbaugh. That guy is a reverse genius." --Jimmy Fallon

"Former Presidents Bill Clinton and George W. Bush will appear together in Toronto, on Friday, for a two-hour conversation, where George Bush plans on being the first person ever to lose a conversation." --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Do I look like a wolf in Shepards clothing? (unless it's a pie eating contest)

"Judge Sonia Sotomayor said she seemed overwhelmed today, and she said it really won't sink in until she hears Rush Limbaugh say he hopes she fails." --Jay Leno

"Well, over the weekend you know, there was some more back and forth between former Secretary of State Colin Powell and Rush Limbaugh. It's getting nasty. I don't know, General Powell versus Rush Limbaugh. You know, unless it's a pie eating contest, I gotta go with Powell, okay?" --Jay Leno

"North Korea tested another nuclear bomb. The fear is that North Korea will sell this nuclear weapon to some unstable, volatile world leader, you know, like Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”  

It's just the ice cream truck, Dick (Go Demons! Go Demons!)

"Dick Cheney went to see the Tom Hanks film 'Angels and Demons,' and through the whole movie he's screaming, 'Go Demons! Go Demons.'" --David Letterman

"Dick Cheney says that Rush Limbaugh is more of a Republican than Colin Powell. And I think, well, yeah, about 300 pounds more.'" --David Letterman

"The former Vice President Dick Cheney is in town, ladies and gentlemen, in New York City. He's here to see all of his favorite shows: 'Phantom', 'Wicked', 'Stomp.'" --David Letterman

"Fascinating. I mean, on the other hand, you wonder about a vice president who's got a panic room. 'It's just the ice cream truck, Dick. You can come up.'" --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

LIES That Led Us To War (the holy trinity)

YouTube is planning a "Karate Kid" series that follows the characters 34 years later. The show is entitled "Ralph Macchio's Mortgage Is Due." --Conan O’Brien

In addition to President Trump, it turns out Kim Jong Un also called Putin to congratulate him on his election victory. Putin said afterward, "Wow, I’m hearing from all the crazies." --Conan O’Brien

President Trump is now being sued by a porn star, a reality star, and a Playboy model – or as Trump's evangelical supporters call that, "the holy trinity." --Conan O’Brien

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html