Will you carry me? (35 quarters)

An Ohio man recently proposed to his girlfriend at the finish line of a marathon. And she can never find out that he really said, “Will you carry me?” –Seth Meyers

A boy in Maryland this weekend was trapped in an arcade claw machine after climbing through the prize door. Luckily, rescuers were able to get him out after about 35 quarters. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it was just his turn (Fullofshiticus)

A robot beat the human record by several minutes in a half marathon. A dejected Kenyon said, "Well, we're still the birthplace of Barack Obama.” —Greg Gutfeld

Kim Kardashian is dating Formula 1 driver Lewis Hamilton. Hamilton admitted he's not interested in Kim, but it was just his turn. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Power Grid (starter pistols)

Protesters in Portland held an emergency naked bike ride. Why was it called an emergency? Because witnesses needed immediate eye surgery. —Greg Gutfeld

Yesterday was the big Chicago marathon. It's the only race where the starter pistol gets return fire. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Usually to produce a blast of that magnitude (solidarity is a verb)

A massive blast at a Chevron refinery in California produced enormous flames visible for miles. Usually to produce a blast of that magnitude, you'd have to pull Jerry Nadler’s finger. — Greg Gutfeld 

On October 5th, 1,200 people will run the International Taco Bell Ultra Marathon, where competitors stop and eat at nine Taco Bells. Nice. Or you could just stay home and s*** in your pants on a treadmill. — Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This is good news for every single show except Dog the Bounty Hunter (nut allergies)

"Yesterday, North Korea held its annual marathon. Congratulations to first, second and third place winner, Kim Jong Un." –Conan O'Brien

We're here in San Diego for Comic-Con. Comic-Con is the only place where you can meet a Superman whose kryptonite is his nut allergy. –Conan O’Brien

Scientists are predicting that in a few years we'll be able to smell the TV shows we watch. This is good news for every single show except "Dog the Bounty Hunter." --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the first person not to brag about running a marathon (one of them suggested karaoke)

Last weekend, 92-year-old Harriette Thompson became the oldest woman ever to complete a marathon. While the guy who finished after her made history by being the first person not to brag about running a marathon.-- Jimmy Fallon

A new study says that chimpanzees occasionally drink too much fermented palm sap, which causes them to act drunk. Researchers could tell the chimps were drunk when one of them suggested karaoke.—Jimmy Fallon

It looks like Derek Jeter and Jeb Bush will be buying the Miami Marlins. That’s right, one guy who could’ve been president — and Jeb Bush. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Almost half of Gen Z admitted to lying on their resumes (she should have dressed up as a sandwich)

Almost half of Gen Z admitted to lying on their resumes in a recent survey. Don’t I know it. My last three assistants claimed they were comfortable around nude men. —Greg Gutfeld

A New York City woman ran the Brooklyn Marathon in a wedding dress hoping to find a husband. If that’s her goal, she should have dressed up as a sandwich. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

She's Not Wrong (they’re planning to open a second checkout lane)

According to a new report, Amazon is now worth twice as much as Walmart. In response, Walmart announced that they’re planning to open a second checkout lane. –Seth Meyers

Bernie Sanders said it’s a great idea to have a woman as vice president. John McCain was like, “Is it?!” –Seth Meyers

A couple in Ohio yesterday ran a half marathon immediately after getting married at the starting line. Ha, usually you're married a lot longer than that before you hear a gunshot. –Seth Meyers

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie today appeared on a talk show called 'Pasta and Politics.' It went so well that he's agreed to go on 'Meet the Garlic Press.'" –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's just like the regular marathon but half as stupid (first class)

After an American Airlines plane caught fire in Denver passengers were forced to stand on the wing, or as Spirit Airlines calls it, first class. —Greg Gutfeld

On Sunday the New York City Half Marathon is set to take place. It's just like the regular New York City marathon but half as stupid. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Frodo needs a Gatorade! (Premium Diesel)

A Colorado marijuana dispensary this week is opening the country’s first combination pot store and gas station. On the downside, you’ll have no idea what you’re getting when you order the Premium Diesel. –Seth Meyers

Marathon weekend is like any other weekend in New York City, except the people going to the bathroom on the street are in much better shape. --Seth Meyers

Hey, marathons, if I wanted to waste my day watching someone travel 26 miles by foot, I'd binge-watch "The Lord of the Rings." Frodo needs a Gatorade! --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s the only race where the starter’s pistol is fired in self defense (What hypocrisy, telling a woman to watch what they eat)

A group supporting Kamala Harris released an ad targeting women voters married to Trump supporting husbands that said, “No one is going to find out, I promise.” Funny, those are the same words her husband Doug said to the nanny. —Greg Gutfeld

The New York City Marathon will take place this weekend. It’s the only race where the  starter’s pistol is fired in self defense. —Greg Gutfeld

Andrea Mitchell says she is ending her daytime MSNBC show. She says she wants to spend more time being embalmed. —Greg Gutfeld

Joy Behar is in trouble with her bosses at ABC News for asking her co-host about a same sex dalliance she had in college. What hypocrisy, telling a woman to watch what they eat. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

But to be fair, it was Take Your Daughter to Work Day (You don't think one of those runners picked up Baxter?)

A woman running a marathon in Thailand reportedly found a lost puppy during the race and continued to carry the dog while running the remaining 19 miles. It...sounds nice, until you realize she just carried the puppy 19 miles further away from home. "Baxter?! Baxter! You don't think one of those runners picked up Baxter?" "Don't be ridiculous!" --Seth Meyers

A matador in Spain is under investigation after a video surfaced of him bullfighting while holding his 5-month-old baby girl in his arms. But to be fair, it was Take Your Daughter to Work Day. –Seth Meyers

President Trump today touted his achievements in office, saying, quote, "I accomplished the military." Trump knows so little about the military, he doesn't even know how to use it in a sentence. Meyers as Trump, "I accomplished the military. I boom-boomed the nukes. I bang-banged the guns." --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the first person not to brag about running a marathon (Here you go little fella)

Last weekend, 92-year-old Harriette Thompson became the oldest woman ever to complete a marathon. While the guy who finished after her made history by being the first person not to brag about running a marathon.-- Jimmy Fallon

According to a new survey, Lord Voldemort from “Harry Potter” actually has a higher favorability rating than most GOP presidential candidates. Or in other words, “He who must not be named” is more popular than “He whose name I forgot” and “What’s her face.” —Jimmy Fallon

Today, a Federal Appeals Court ruled against President Trump’s revised travel ban —- and get this, they even quoted his tweets in their decision. Or as Trump put it, “That counts as a retweet!” (I win!) –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Will you carry me? (diluted, disguised, sweetened, muted, falsified)

An Ohio man recently proposed to his girlfriend at the finish line of a marathon. And she can never find out that he really said, “Will you carry me?” –Seth Meyers

The Republican congressional candidate for a special election in Montana yesterday reportedly body-slammed a journalist after he asked a question about the Republican healthcare plan. Now, to be fair, that basically is the Republican healthcare plan. –Seth Meyers

Donald Trump is continuing to draw criticism for his claims that Judge Gonzalo Curiel's Mexican heritage makes him unfit to preside over a lawsuit against Trump University, despite the fact that Curiel was born and raised in Indiana. And when Trump found that out, he said, "Oh, no, he's an Indian, too?" –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

When your headboard is to close to the wall (Frodo needs a Gatorade!)

"While criticizing President Obama during an interview on 'Good Morning America' this week, Rudy Giuliani said, 'We had no domestic attacks under Bush.' You know, I knew one day we would reach a point where people would forget about 9/11, but I never thought you would be the first." -Seth Meyers

Hey, marathons, if I wanted to waste my day watching someone travel 26 miles by foot, I'd binge-watch "The Lord of the Rings." Frodo needs a Gatorade! --Seth Meyers

And, finally, a coffee chain in London said this week that it will allow stores to refuse caffeine sales to people under the age of 16, while a coffee chain in America just unveiled Frappuccinos for Babies. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Ha, usually you're married a lot longer than that before you hear a gunshot (Meet the Garlic Press)

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie today appeared on a talk show called 'Pasta and Politics.' It went so well that he's agreed to go on 'Meet the Garlic Press.'" –Seth Meyers

Bernie Sanders said it’s a great idea to have a woman as vice president. John McCain was like, “Is it?!” –Seth Meyers

A couple in Ohio yesterday ran a half marathon immediately after getting married at the starting line. Ha, usually you're married a lot longer than that before you hear a gunshot. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That is the law of capitalism (it's been a big month for mushrooms)

April 2023

“I read about a runner who took third place in an ultramarathon and was later disqualified after admitting that she used a car. The saddest part is that she used a car and still came in third. She would have come in first, but she had to keep stopping for tiny cups of gas.” —Jimmy Fallon

“And for everyone who went a little too hard on 4/20, it's come back to Earth Day.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Well, speaking of Coachella, today the final weekend kicked off. Yep, so between Coachella and the new Super Mario movie, it's been a big month for mushrooms.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

if you’re comfortable filming yourself eating in the shower, I would argue you don’t have enough anxiety (it’s a short film about being a step mom)

March 2023

This weekend bitter rivals who have been desperately pandering for votes and trying to force their politics on America will finally face off in person. I’m, of course, talking about tomorrow’s Oscars. —Colin Jost

Tucker Carlson seen here laughing at a dog locked in a hot car, released security footage from the January 6th attacks with the violence edited out and said it proves that it was a peaceful gathering. Which is like editing all the sex out of a porn video and saying it’s a short film about being a step mom. —Colin Jost

After Walgreens announced they will stop selling abortion pills in 21 states, CVS has remained silent on the issue. While over at Rite Aid, you can just grab a pill from the Take Abortion Leave Abortion tray. —Colin Jost

There is a trend on TikTok of people eating oranges in showers claiming that it reduces and anxiety. But if you’re comfortable filming yourself eating in the shower, I would argue you don’t have enough anxiety. —Colin Jost

A new study finds that long distance running does not cause wear and tear on marathoners’ knees, but it does sand their nipples clean off. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Who doesn’t like to see the overdogs win? (Africa's Man of the Millennium)

“One of the funnier interactions, or lack thereof tonight, was Mike Pence and Nancy Pelosi standing side by side, not talking to each other for the whole time, which was kind of rude on his part because she tried really hard to make him president.” —Jimmy Kimmel

The New England Patriots made what turned out to be the biggest comeback in Super Bowl history to beat the Atlanta Falcons in overtime last night. Who doesn’t like to see the overdogs win? –Jimmy Kimmel

In Elkmont, Alabama, last weekend a dog got loose and ended up on a half marathon. The dog saw all the people and just started running with them. She did well. She finished seventh place. She would have finished higher if she hadn't stopped every once in a while to sniff everyone's butts. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So, if you're dreaming of a really white Christmas, have I got the gift for you (Wow! This guy's a legend.)

November 2022

“Meanwhile, today, Mike Pence released his new memoir, ‘So Help Me God.’ So, if you're dreaming of a really white Christmas, have I got the gift for you.” —Jimmy Fallon

“That's right -- the Grammys will be at the Crypto.com Arena. Honestly, the Crypto.com Arena makes sense, because most of the nominees will walk away with nothing.” —Jimmy Fallon

“A man in China ran a full marathon in a pretty unique way. If the thought of running a marathon has you winded, imagine doing it while smoking a pack of cigarettes. He completed all 26.2 miles in 3 hours and 28 minutes. Wow! This guy's a legend. He's already on the front of the box of Wheezies.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”