Russell Brand: THE TRUTH (12/9/22)

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Ed Sheeran’s reign of terror (special military sadness)

“We mourn the death of Queen Elizabeth II, who provided comfort to Britain for over 70 years. She helped weather several financial crises, joining and leaving the European Union and, of course, Ed Sheeran’s reign of terror.” —Stephen Colbert

“King Charles has immediately assumed his late mother’s financial portfolio worth billions, sans the 40% inheritance tax that applies to most British subjects. He’s supposed to be the ultimate public servant, and he doesn’t pay taxes? That is going to cost him some votes.” —Stephen Colbert

“In other news, Ukrainian victories in the east of the country have shattered Russia’s reputation as a military superpower. But don’t you worry, Russia, you’ll always have your reputation as an endless wasteland littered with clinically depressed root vegetables.” —Stephen Colbert

“The defeats have military experts noting that Russian troops suffer from low morale – or as the Kremlin calls it, ‘special military sadness.’” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Is good to hear. Even I don't have weapon as destructive as McRib. (I won't rest until all you guys can get married)

April 2014

"President Obama invited the U.S. Olympic team to the White House yesterday to congratulate them on their performance in Sochi. Of course it got awkward when Biden told the biathletes, 'I won't rest until all you guys can get married.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Hillary Clinton yesterday made some very strong remarks about the media. She said that the media treat powerful women with a double standard. Or as it got reported in most places, 'Hillary Clinton shows off sassy new haircut.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"McDonald's announced that it has closed its three restaurants in Crimea because of the tension in the region. Then Putin said, 'Is good to hear. Even I don't have weapon as destructive as McRib.'" –Jimmy Fallon 

"The big news is that yesterday David Letterman announced that he is retiring from 'The Late Show' in 2015. I couldn't believe it. And neither could my parents. They said, 'Guess we'll have to start watching YOU now.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Putin immediately put it out because he thought it was too flaming (Oh, great, now I have to start paying reality?)

"Today, in a suburb of Detroit, Mitt Romney asked supporters to donate money to his campaign. Of course, the people then pointed out that they live in Detroit. And he's Mitt Romney." –Conan O’Brien

Going into New Hampshire, Jeb Bush was polling at 5th place. Not among the candidates, among the members of the Bush family. –Conan O’Brien

Yesterday, Donald Trump repeated his false assertion that America’s murder rate is the highest it’s been in 47 years. Then someone pointed out to Trump that he was just binge watching “Game of Thrones.” –Conan O’Brien

Last night, CBS anchor Scott Pelley began the evening news by saying President Trump is “divorced from reality.” After hearing this, Trump said, “Oh, great, now I have to start paying reality?” –Conan O’Brien

"Today, the Olympic torch arrived in Sochi. But Vladimir Putin immediately put it out because he thought it was too flaming." –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Jimmy Dore with Mike MacRae: Alec Baldwin Vows To Personally Fight Against Russia

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

I had a nuclear blast at Chernobyl! (high school girlfriends)

April 2022

“There are reports that Russian soldiers stole dangerously radioactive items from Chernobyl to keep as souvenirs. Well of course you can’t go to Chernobyl and not check out the gift shop. [A radioactive tourist]: ‘Oh look hon, they have a T-shirt that says, ‘I had a nuclear blast at Chernobyl!’” —Stephen Colbert

“Marjorie Taylor Greene, who tore into me on a podcast with disgraced Republican colleague Matt Gaetz over the weekend. Gaetz called me a ‘total jerk’ whose ‘trend is to attack women’. Says the guy who’s currently under federal investigation for sex trafficking, obstructing justice, and paying for sex with a 17-year-old girl. That’s not fair at all. I make jokes about men too. I make jokes about you, in fact. Remember when I said I feel bad for you because you didn’t have a girlfriend in high school until you were 30?” —Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

a missed opportunity for a legendary G.I. Jane joke (Have you been injured in an accident?’)

April 2022

Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelensky made a televised speech during Sunday’s Grammy Awards. It was a heartfelt impassioned plea to help the people of Ukraine but a missed opportunity for a legendary G.I. Jane joke. —Colin Jost

A personal injury attorney in Florida allegedly drove her car into four people. Said the attorney, ‘Have you been injured in an accident?’ —Colin Jost

A new lawsuit accuses Burger King of falsely advertising their Whoppers as bigger than what people actually get. It’s the same accusation made in the case of Women vs Michael Che. —Colin Jost

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Bush was going to include a painting of bin Laden, but he couldn't find it (Even I don't have weapon as destructive as McRib)

"The big news is that yesterday David Letterman announced that he is retiring from 'The Late Show' in 2015. I couldn't believe it. And neither could my parents. They said, 'Guess we'll have to start watching YOU now.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"George W. Bush will open an art exhibit at his presidential library that will feature portraits he painted of various world leaders. He was going to include a painting of bin Laden, but he couldn't find it." –Jimmy Fallon

"McDonald's announced that it has closed its three restaurants in Crimea because of the tension in the region. Then Putin said, 'Is good to hear. Even I don't have weapon as destructive as McRib.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama invited the U.S. Olympic team to the White House yesterday to congratulate them on their performance in Sochi. Of course it got awkward when Biden told the biathletes, 'I won't rest until all you guys can get married.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"House Budget Committee Chairman Paul Ryan just released his budget proposal for 2015. Of course, a lot of people are criticizing it. For example, during a speech yesterday President Obama referred to the budget as a 'stinkburger' and a 'meanwich.' Ryan called Obama immature, while Chris Christie called to see if he had any more of those stinkburgers or meanwiches." –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You know what’s a cool nickname? Stormy. (So ladies, he's officially single. Run!)

"Vladimir Putin's divorce became final today. So ladies, he's officially single. Run!" –Seth Meyers

"The Kremlin announced today that Vladimir Putin and his wife have officially divorced. She'll get the house and the car and he'll get Crimea, Ukraine, Belarus…" –Seth Meyers

President Trump this morning on Twitter nicknamed former President Obama for the first time, and called him “Cheatin’ Obama.” Cheatin’ Obama? That’s a pretty lame nickname. You know what’s a cool nickname? Stormy. --Seth Meyers

Subway has begun posting calorie counts on the menu boards at its 27,000 stores nationwide. And Chipotle is posting a body count. –Seth Meyers

"Senator Ted Cruz has officially announced that he is running for president. But if you see a T-shirt that says 'Ted Cruz 2016,' those aren’t election shirts. That’s just how old he thinks the Earth is." –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's fantastic. I've done it already. It's amazing (The Power of the People)

In a press conference, President Trump said that nobody has been tougher on Russia than him. In fact, last night he made sure to hit Putin extra hard during their pillow fight. --Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump told The Washington Post that he'll be able to get the United States completely out of debt in eight years. When asked how, Trump was like, "Easy, declare bankruptcy and start fresh! It's fantastic. I've done it already. It's amazing." –Jimmy Fallon

Villanova really played great. They beat Michigan 79 to 62. I'm not saying Villanova was cocky, but at halftime all five starters left for the NBA. --Jimmy Fallon

“A recent survey showed that Rick Santorum is the favorite GOP candidate among Republican women. When he heard that, Santorum was like, ‘Wait — women have the right to vote?’” –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Jimmy Dore with Aaron Maté: Proof: Zelensky REJECTED Peace With Russia

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

But not you, Kanye, we’re dealing with enough already (Yes, very sad. Anyway...)

April 2022

“Ukrainian President Zelensky made an appearance on the Grammys. He gave a heartfelt address to the Grammys audience. He said, ‘The silence of ruined cities and killed people. What is more opposite to music?’ Which is very profound: What is more opposite to music? I thought he was going say Nickelback, which would have been a sick burn. But this was better — keep it focused.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“And I got to say as a 48-year-old man, I was just happy to see someone at the Grammys whose name I knew.” —Seth Meyers

“Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelenskiy also appeared at the Grammys in a pre-taped address, and urged viewers to support Ukraine. ‘Fill the silence with your music!,’ he said. ‘Fill it today. To tell our story.’ Adding ‘But not you, Kanye, we’re dealing with enough already.’” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I guess the Masked Singer money dried up (it's like paste-eating endorsing glue-sniffing)

April 2022

“In other Trump news, the former president endorsed Sarah Palin for Congress over the weekend. As Trump said in a statement: ‘Sarah Palin is tough and smart and will never back down.’ Even for Trump, it’s impressive to fit three lies in an eleven-word sentence. I guess the Masked Singer money dried up and Sarah is running for office. Trump endorsing Sarah Palin is like paste-eating endorsing glue-sniffing. It’s ridiculous.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“I saw that Sarah Palin has announced that she is running for Congress in Alaska, which is good news for Republicans and great news for Democrats.” —Jimmy Fallon

“You know, for someone who could see Russia from her house, she should have known years ago what Putin was up to, don’t you think?” —Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The Little Engine That Could, Thanks to His High-Fiber Diet (I’m sure there’s a perfectly treasonable explanation)

President Trump’s son-in-law and adviser Jared Kushner reportedly met with executives from a Russian bank that was under U.S. sanctions during the 2016 presidential election. But I’m sure there’s a perfectly treasonable explanation. –Seth Meyers

"The official presidential candidate for the Ukrainian Internet Party is a man in a Darth Vader costume. Not to be confused with the president of Russia, who is Darth Vader in a man costume." –Seth Meyers

"The Department of Agriculture is encouraging grandparents to read their grandchildren bedtime stories about nutrition. Stories like 'Goodnight Kale,' 'James and the Giant Organic Peach,' and 'The Little Engine That Could, Thanks to His High-Fiber Diet.'" –Seth Meyers

A new alarm-clock app has launched that wakes users up with unconventional sounds like shattering glass, gunshots, and women screaming. Unfortunately, everyone in New York has learned to sleep through it. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Or, and hear me out, flamingos look like other flamingos (past marijuana use)

April 2022

U.S. officials are concerned that Vladimir Putin is keeping military units positioned near Kyiv despite earlier promises to withdraw. Putin’s failure to pull out has earned him the nickname Nick Cannon. —Michael Che

According to a new study, men who eat too much meat are raising the risk of becoming infertile. On the other hand, Donald Trump has five kids that we know of. —Michael Che

Wildlife officials say that a flamingo that escaped from a Kansas zoo 17 years ago has been spotted in Texas. Or, and hear me out, flamingos look like other flamingos. —Michael Che

In a recent interview, Tyler Perry revealed that he has used his Madea voice while having sex. Damn. Dude must like sex dry as hell. —Michael Che

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I can’t believe the Academy has a worse concussion protocol than the NFL (How's that been working out for you?)

April 2022

Intelligence officials are saying that Vladimir Putin is being misinformed by his advisors about how badly the Russian military is performing in Ukraine. Which is kind of like Will Smith’s agent telling him, ‘You crushed it at the Oscars.’ —Colin Jost

Will Smith, for those of you who don’t know, walked on stage during the Academy Awards and slapped Chris Rock after he made a joke about Jada Pinkett-Smith, which I think is a disgraceful act that sets a terrible precedent for having to defend your wife at award shows. —Colin Jost

Yesterday Will Smith resigned from the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. If Will Smith had been expelled he would have joined a small group of people kicked out of the Academy including Bill Cosby, Roman Polanski and Harvey Weinstein. Or as they are also known, Bad Boys for Life. —Colin Jost

I also really love that the reason they let Will Smith stay in the audience was that they asked Chris Rock and he said it was okay. So now we just ask the victim right after they get hit in the head? ‘Hey, are you cool if the guy who just attacked you hangs around for awhile? You don’t want to make him mad again.’ I can’t believe the Academy has a worse concussion protocol than the NFL. —Colin Jost

And honestly I can’t even blame the Academy for not knowing what to do. Nobody knew what to do. Even people at the Oscars were Googling, ‘Did Will Smith just slap Chris Rock?’ I think we should just acknowledge that that was one of the craziest things we will ever see in our lives. It’s truly like the Super Bowl wardrobe malfunction but if Janet’s nipple slapped Timberlake. —Colin Jost

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Over there it’s an eight-minute film called Ivan Drago Strong Good (A radio made of ham?)

March 2022

“There are a lot of reasons it’s going so terribly. The Russian troops, they have no clear purpose, the troops are running out of food, and it turns out they have really bad technology. For instance, while most modern military radios are impossible to intercept, many Russians forces are communicating on unencrypted high frequency channels that allow anyone with a ham radio to eavesdrop. To which Russian soldiers said, ‘A radio made of ham? Can I have one? I’m so hungry!’” —Stephen Colbert

“But Vladimir Putin may not be aware of how bad his invasion is going because new intelligence suggests his advisers misinformed him on Ukraine. Well, Putin’s clearly a victim of his own pro-Russia propaganda. He doesn’t even know that Russia lost ‘Rocky IV.’ Over there it’s an eight-minute film called Ivan Drago Strong Good.” —Stephen Colbert

“Intelligence officials reportedly believe that Russian president Vladimir Putin has only recently learned how poorly the invasion of Ukraine has been going and is angry with his military advisers. And you can tell he’s upset, because now the table is even longer.” —Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

She placed a wreath on the grave of General Tso, the creator of spicy chicken (He's filling in for Dennis Rodman)

March 2014

"It's not every night that we get a great audience. Last night, we had an ugly crowd. Halfway through the show, they voted to join Russia." –David Letterman

"Vladimir Putin was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize and two weeks later he invaded Crimea. So here's what the United States did. They tossed him out of the G-8 meetings. Really? I mean, that's like being told you can't go to the Daytime Emmys." –David Letterman

"President Obama went to the G-8 meetings. He's filling in for Dennis Rodman." –David Letterman 

"First lady Michelle Obama is in China right now. Today she was busy doing some official business. She placed a wreath on the grave of General Tso, the creator of spicy chicken." –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So basically, New York subway rules (Hookers? What are those?)

March 2022

“While the select committee looks into whether Trump used a burner phone, Trump released a statement saying: ‘I have no idea what a burner phone is, to the best of my knowledge I have never even heard of the term.’ Which is interesting, because his former national security adviser John Bolton today revealed that he and Trump have spoken about how people use burner phones. Whenever Trump doesn’t know about something, he claims to know everything about it, like ‘I know more about windmills than everybody.’ When it comes to things he might get in trouble for, all of a sudden he goes, ‘burner phones? Never heard of them. Hookers? What are those?’” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Peace talks between Russia and Ukraine in Istanbul have shown marginal progress, but the vibes at these meetings have been very uneasy. According to reports, Ukraine warned its negotiators not to eat, drink or touch anything out of poison concerns. So basically, New York subway rules.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So we finally found someone to run against Putin in 2024 (when he got in, the bear said, "Just drive.")

Singer R. Kelly has come forward to defend Bill Cosby. So that ought to clear Bill's name! There we go! That was a call from Bill's lawyer that was one of those good news/bad news things. –Seth Meyers

A man in Australia reportedly returned to his car over the weekend to find a koala bear sitting in his back seat. Even weirder, when he got in, the bear said, "Just drive." --Seth Meyers

According to a new study, pandas have a natural ability to neutralize cyanide poison. So we finally found someone to run against Putin in 2024. --Seth Meyers

Russian President Vladimir Putin was elected yesterday to his fourth term in office. Putin handily beat his closest rival, a poisoned corpse. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”