Giving birth to a baby wearing a crown is very hard (an increasingly female presence in a previously male space)

"Prince William and his lovely bride are pregnant. Buckingham Palace announced Kate is pregnant. They've been married for a year and a half. That's like five marriages for a Kardashian." –Craig Ferguson

"Kate is said to be very nervous about giving birth. Giving birth to a baby wearing a crown is very hard." –Craig Ferguson

"It's fantastic that Congress has an increasing number of women. Experts call an increasingly female presence in a previously male space 'the Bruce Jenner effect.'" –Craig Ferguson

 

It's two hours of heavy breathing (the Bruce Jenner effect)

"It's fantastic that Congress has an increasing number of women. Experts call an increasingly female presence in a previously male space 'the Bruce Jenner effect.'" –Craig Ferguson

"I really think in all of what happened yesterday, the only person who should be considered a 'loser' is Donald Trump. I'll tell you why. He went on Twitter demanding a revolution. So far no one's listened to him — because he's Donald Trump! After that, Trump tweeted, 'The world is laughing at us.' I'm thinking, No, Donald. The world is laughing at you and this is why. It is because you're wearing an orange face and a crazy wig. This is the uniform the world over of a clown! Nobody laughs WITH the clown. They laugh AT the clown. Then when the clown gets angry, it is funnier." –Craig Ferguson

"Last night, Barack Obama won a Grammy for his audiobook. He's on a roll! 'What did you do over the weekend?' 'I won four primaries and a Grammy.' He beat four nominees, including Bill Clinton's audiobook. Barack Obama beating a Clinton? They're getting kind of used to that. I've heard Bill's audio book - it's not that good. It's two hours of heavy breathing." --Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Come on out. You will never have to work a day in your life (Now the Russian version of Wolf of Wall Street is eight seconds long)

"They celebrated Cinco de Mayo at the White House. In keeping with the times, President Obama whacked a giant piñata and then gave it a burial at sea." –Conan O'Brien

"Prince William's pregnant wife, Kate Middleton, is past her due date. Doctors may have to induce labor. To speed up the birth, doctors have been telling the baby, 'Come on out. You will never have to work a day in your life.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The big story is Bruce Jenner. In last week's interview, Jenner said he's a woman who is transitioning his body from male to female, and he's also a conservative Republican. Bruce said he looks forward to bashing Obamacare as soon as he finishes using it." –Conan O'Brien

"Vladimir Putin has signed a new law banning the F-word from movies. Now the Russian version of 'Wolf of Wall Street' is eight seconds long. You sit down and it's over." –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Because what better way to celebrate the pilgrims' arrival than buying crap from China (facial recognition technology)

November 2013

"Many scam artists are trying to take advantage of the problems with the Obamacare website. Experts say you can tell it's a scam site if you enter your information and it quickly and efficiently signs you up for healthcare." –Conan O'Brien

"Wal-Mart announced that this Thanksgiving they are opening earlier than they ever have. Because what better way to celebrate the pilgrims' arrival than buying crap from China." –Conan O'Brien

"The U.S. intelligence community is hoping to update their facial recognition technology. It's the government's way of trying to keep up with Bruce Jenner." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Counting money with their mouths full of chocolate

"The big story is Bruce Jenner. In last week's interview, Jenner said he's a woman who is transitioning his body from male to female, and he's also a conservative Republican. Bruce said he looks forward to bashing Obamacare as soon as he finishes using it." –Conan O'Brien



"A U.N. study claims the happiest country in the world is Switzerland. When asked why they're so happy, Swiss people couldn't answer because their hands were counting money and their mouths were full of chocolate." –Conan O'Brien



We have your search history. Do what we tell you.

"It's being reported that Google spent over $5 million on lobbying just during the first quarter of this year. You'd think Google wouldn't really need to lobby politicians. All they have to say is, 'We have your search history. Do what we tell you.'" –Jimmy Fallon



"Bruce Jenner declared he is a woman and a Republican. In other words, the GOP finally found someone who might be able to beat Hillary." –Jimmy Fallon



So that's good news for Bruce Jenner

"Jeb Bush admitted that he smoked a notable amount of pot in school. He said, 'You would too if your parents had named you 'Jeb.'" –Conan O'Brien



"Mitt Romney is not going to run for president. Mitt said it's time for fresh faces. So that's good news for Bruce Jenner." –David Letterman


the Bruce Jenner effect

"For the first time in history, Congress has 100 women in it. Congratulations. Welcome to modern times, America. It's great having 100 women in Congress. Unless you're in line for the congressional bathroom." –Craig Ferguson



"It's fantastic that Congress has an increasing number of women. Experts call an increasingly female presence in a previously male space 'the Bruce Jenner effect.'" –Craig Ferguson



If you ever want to be president, don't listen to us

"The U.S. intelligence community is hoping to update their facial recognition technology. It's the government's way of trying to keep up with Bruce Jenner." –Conan O'Brien

"It seems that during his re-election campaign this year, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie paid $46,000 to get advice from former strategists for Mitt Romney. The advice he got: 'If you ever want to be president, don't listen to us.'" –Jay Leno



"Today a reporter asked Chris Christie, 'What do you think of 2016?' And Christie said, 'I think it's a good weight to get down to.'" –Jay Leno