Oh, my God. What did she have to do for the extra $50,000? (Oh Snap!)

But before all this got out, Donald Trump’s campaign tried to keep Omarosa quiet by offering her $180,000 in hush money. When Stormy Daniels heard that, she was like, “Oh, my God. What did she have to do for the extra $50,000?” --Jimmy Fallon

Home Depot just had its best quarter in company history. When asked what they'll do with the money, Home Depot said, "Hire a second employee." --Jimmy Fallon

"Rick Perry is fueling speculation that he'll run in 2016 by visiting the Iowa State Fair. Unfortunately, he hurt his chances by holding a two-hour conversation with that butter sculpture of Kevin Costner." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

That dude needs to chill out and smoke some marijuana (by any standard that’s a promotion)

At the Grammys, Alessia Cara won the award for best new artist. She was up against Khalid, Julia Michaels, Lil Uzi Vert and SZA. Or as your mom knows them: who, who, who, who and SZA. --James Corden

In other White House news, according to a recent article, President Trump's son-in-law, Jared Kushner, has been asked to turn his focus to prison reform. And based on the way the Russia investigation is going, I assume he wants to make prisons way harder to get into.  --James Corden

In other news, former Trump staffer and one-time “Apprentice” contestant Omarosa took a new gig this week. It was announced she will be joining the cast of “Celebrity Big Brother.” From Trump’s White House to CBS’s “Big Brother” house — by any standard that’s a promotion. --James Corden

Today on Capitol Hill, Trump’s pick for attorney general, Jeff Sessions, was grilled by senators during the first confirmation hearing of the Trump administration. Sessions is a controversial pick. For instance, in the past, he’s been a vocal opponent of marijuana legalization. At one point he said, “Good people don’t smoke marijuana.” That dude needs to chill out and smoke some marijuana. –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

There’s something wrong with this chicken (he did bravely fight off all five of the Army’s attempts to draft him)

Omarosa also claims in her book that she once saw President Trump eat a piece of paper. But in his defense, [shows paper with “chicken” written on it] he was tricked. [imitates Trump, chewing] “There’s something wrong with this chicken.” --Seth Meyers

After former White House staffer Omarosa Manigault released a recording of a conversation with President Trump, Trump tweeted, “Wacky Omarosa who got fired three times on ‘The Apprentice’ now got fired for the last time. She never made it, never will.” Well, actually, she did make it. You hired her for a job in the White House after she got fired three times on “The Apprentice.” That’s like getting cut three times from the Mets and thinking, “I’m going to try out for the Yankees.” --Seth Meyers

Eric Trump appeared on CBS "This Morning" today and defended his father's ongoing feud with the family of a veteran, saying, “What I think this country needs is a fighter.” And to Donald Trump’s credit, he did bravely fight off all five of the Army’s attempts to draft him. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Oh, my God. What did she have to do for the extra $50,000? (If you’re trying to make me jealous ... it’s working)

President Trump said he’d be willing to meet with Iran’s President Hassan Rouhani “anytime they want.” In response, Vladimir Putin said, “If you’re trying to make me jealous ... it’s working.” --Jimmy Fallon

Kim Jong Un says he's decided not to fire missiles at Guam. Then Trump said, “You mean I learned where Guam was for nothing?” –Jimmy Fallon

But before all this got out, Trump’s campaign tried to keep Omarosa quiet by offering her $180,000 in hush money. When Stormy Daniels heard that, she was like, “Oh, my God. What did she have to do for the extra $50,000?” --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If you want my notes, you'll need a search warrant...for my belly (The Ballad of Trash Can Jones)

Trump has also met privately with Putin multiple times, and over the weekend, "The Washington Post" reported that Trump has gone to extraordinary lengths to conceal details of his conversations with Putin, including, on at least one occasion, taking possession of the notes of his own interpreter. 

Now, we don't know what Trump did with those notes, but we do know that in her tell-all book, former Trump aide Omarosa said she saw Trump trying to destroy evidence by eating a piece of paper in the Oval Office. And if you forgot that the President was accused of eating paper by his own aide, take note of the fact that we are living through a presidency where that insane fact might actually qualify as forgettable. 

For every other president before him, eating paper would be number one on the list of craziest [bleep] things, but...But for Trash Can Jones over here, it doesn't even crack the top 100. We for real have a president who may one day say, "If you want my notes, you'll need a search warrant...for my belly." --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Right now your tax dollars are being spent on war and low taxes on the rich (Osama and Omarosa are NOT the same person)

In an interview in Esquire magazine Donald Trump said if he were president he would have caught Osama a long time ago. Then somebody explained to Trump that Osama and Omarosa are NOT the same person. --Conan O’Brien 7/9/2004

It's been reported that al-qaeda operatives were considering attacking casinos in Las Vegas. Which makes no sense. If anyone wants to destroy Las Vegas all they have to do is let Donald Trump run their casinos. --Conan O’Brien 8/11/2004

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Oh man, I gotta record this. No one will believe me! (I don't always watch Fox News...)

The White House is still reeling from a bombshell report from The New York Times. The article revealed that Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein once floated the idea of secretly recording conversations with the president by wearing a wire. A wire? If you want to catch Trump saying something incriminating you don't need a wire. Just look at his Twitter feed! --James Corden

First, Trump's personal lawyer secretly taped him. Then, Omarosa taped him in the White House. Now look, I'm no political expert, but it's probably a bad sign when literally everyone you work with is like, "Oh man, I gotta record this. No one will believe me!" --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I'm starting to like this guy (That's proof. He DID sleep with her!)

You probably heard that Stormy Daniels' book is out. Stormy Daniels has written a memoir and she describes sex with Trump as the "least impressive sex" she's ever had. Once she heard this, Melania Trump said, "This confirms it. That's proof. He DID sleep with her." --Conan O’Brien

While covering the Emmys last night, The New York Times confused actress Angela Bassett with former White House adviser Omarosa. Making matters worse, today the Times extended a heartfelt apology to Serena Williams. --Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

OK, I'm starting to realize why Trump's casinos went bankrupt (make more ice cubes)

Bob Woodward's book, "Fear: Trump in the White House," was released on Tuesday and it's setting all kinds of sales records. It sold 750,000 copies in one day. Yeah. This comes after both "Fire and Fury" and Omarosa's book also exposed chaos in the Trump administration. Now, credit where credit is due — Trump is "Making America Read Again." --James Corden

According to one excerpt, Donald Trump suggested that the government should just "print more money." Oh, OK, I'm starting to realize why Trump's casinos went bankrupt. --James Corden

If you think Trump's economic ideas are crazy, you should hear Trump's plan for global warming. He thinks the government should just make more ice cubes. --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Omarosa hid the microphone somewhere Trump would never find it (Irack Intellijuns)

Best Buy just purchased a company that provides emergency response services. So, next time you're having a heart attack, don't worry, the Geek Squad will be over tomorrow between 2:00 and 4:00 to save your life. --Jimmy Fallon

Former White House aide Omarosa Manigault released a fourth secret recording today. Apparently she hid the microphone somewhere Trump would never find it — in a salad. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Honesty is the best policy (Fake News, Franklin!)

Today Omarosa released another secret recording. On this one, Eric Trump's wife, Lara, offers Omarosa $180,000 so she won't say anything negative about the White House. Then Melania said, "Hey, that's WAY more than I'm getting." --Jimmy Fallon

Lara offered Omarosa 180 grand to keep quiet about her time in the administration. Listen to this: [Audio of Lara Trump] "I think we can work something out where we keep you right along those lines. We're talking about, like, 15k a month." $180,000. Does that sound like a fair deal for you? In response, Lara said, "I am so embarrassed about this tape. Now everyone will know that I'm married to Eric Trump." --Jimmy Fallon

In her book "Unhinged," Omarosa says the White House staff has immediate access to any prescription drugs they need. Americans heard that and were like, "Yeah, we all did. It was called Obamacare." --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Who was the Nitwit who hired Omarosa in the first place (we all know the enemy of the people is gluten)

President Trump is busy planning a parade around Veterans Day in Washington, D.C. And remember last month they said this parade would cost $12 million? Turns out the estimate was a little bit off — it was off by about $80 million. According to a Defense official, the parade is now expected to cost $92 million. But don't worry, I'm sure he'll get Mexico to pay for this one, too. --Jimmy Kimmel

According to a new poll, a majority of Republicans believe the news media is the "enemy of the people." Which is — we all know the enemy of the people is gluten. --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

briefings about a war you just launched are a snooze unless you add a little pizzazz (changing the Pentagon into the Jesus fish)

"Nation, you know I miss the Bush administration. At least with those guys, you knew where you stood, which was occasionally on a box while holding electrodes. That's why I was glad to see former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld featured in the latest issue of GQ. 

The story is that during the Iraq war, Rumsfeld's briefings to President Bush had cover pages featuring war photography and passages from the Bible. Because obviously, briefings about a war you just launched are a snooze unless you add a little pizzazz. 

So they added quotes like this one from Isaiah, 'Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?' Of course, the answer was, 'The same soldiers, over and over again.' 

Then there's this one from Ephesians, 'Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground.' 

See, Rumsfeld knew the troops already had the full armor of God, so they didn't need the full armor of actual armor. These cover pages should surprise no one. Bush and Rumsfeld are men of faith. In fact, they considered changing the Pentagon into the Jesus fish.”  --Stephen Colbert 

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”  

Meanwhile the ruling oligarchy will quietly run the show as they see fit (Except for Omarosa. That's our bad)

Following recent accusations of President Trump's racist behavior, White House press secretary Sarah Sanders has gotten into some trouble of her own. Yesterday she was caught during a press briefing making false claims about the number of jobs Trump has created for African-Americans. Although if you believe Omarosa, the biggest lie was that the White House used the term African-Americans. --James Corden

Later Sanders issued an apology on Twitter, saying, "I'm sorry for the mistake, but no apologies for the 700,000 jobs for African-Americans created under President Trump." She then went on to say, "Except for Omarosa. That's our bad." --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

At this point, think of anything, and there's probably a tape of Trump doing it (Great Job Debbie)

Omarosa's new book "Unhinged" is out. And it's already an Amazon best-seller. That's just because Trump frantically bought up all the copies so no one can read it. --Jimmy Fallon

On "Fox & Friends" this morning, Brian Kilmeade said that Omarosa had outsmarted Trump. But to be fair, Trump also been outsmarted by the child safety locks in his limo. --Jimmy Fallon

White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders couldn't guarantee that there's no tape of Trump using racial slurs. Sarah said, "At this point, think of anything, and there's probably a tape of Trump doing it." --Jimmy Fallon

Home Depot just had its best quarter in company history. When asked what they'll do with the money, Home Depot said, "Hire a second employee." --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Oh, come on. We see his tweets. He’s not fooling anyone. (Bikers for Trump)

And there was another huge revelation from Omarosa this weekend: She said the Trump administration was “deceiving this nation” by hiding how mentally declined President Trump actually is. Oh, come on. We see his tweets. He’s not fooling anyone. --James Corden

President Trump was in New Jersey this weekend, where he hosted a “Bikers for Trump” rally at one of his private golf courses. Because really, what’s more badass and rebellious for bikers to do than hang out at a members-only golf club? “Bikers for Trump,” or as most people call them, “bikers.” --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

That’s also what they tell me when I’m asked to leave Ben & Jerry’s (I don’t have integrity issues)

During an interview yesterday, former Trump aide Omarosa played a secret recording of chief of staff John Kelly informing her she was being fired. The firing took place in the White House’s Situation Room. Omarosa recorded this herself, which is a first, because usually there’s a whole camera crew there when she’s getting fired. --James Corden

On the tape, Kelly says Omarosa was being fired due to significant integrity issues. And nothing says “I don’t have integrity issues” like recording your boss in the top-secret Situation Room. --James Corden

Also, on the recording, you can hear General Kelly telling Omarosa that if she makes a friendly departure, she won’t lose her reputation. That’s also what they tell me when I’m asked to leave Ben & Jerry’s. “We’ve talked about this, Mr. Corden, don’t make a scene. You can come back tomorrow.” --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I’m going to try out for the Yankees (There’s something wrong with this chicken)

After former White House staffer Omarosa Manigault released a recording of a conversation with President Trump, Trump tweeted, “Wacky Omarosa who got fired three times on ‘The Apprentice’ now got fired for the last time. She never made it, never will.” Well, actually, she did make it. You hired her for a job in the White House after she got fired three times on “The Apprentice.” That’s like getting cut three times from the Mets and thinking, “I’m going to try out for the Yankees.” --Seth Meyers

Former White House staffer Omarosa Manigault yesterday played a recording of a conversation with chief of staff John Kelly in the Situation Room, which is the most secure area of the West Wing. Well, [shows door with sign “Melania’s Room: Keep Out!!!”] the second most secure. --Seth Meyers

Omarosa also claims in her book that she once saw President Trump eat a piece of paper. But in his defense, [shows paper with “chicken” written on it] he was tricked. [imitates Trump, chewing] “There’s something wrong with this chicken.” --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”  

What did she have to do for the extra $50,000? (Do I look like a guy who needs hookers?)

But before all this got out, Trump’s campaign tried to keep Omarosa quiet by offering her $180,000 in hush money. When Stormy Daniels heard that, she was like, “Oh, my God. What did she have to do for the extra $50,000?” --Jimmy Fallon

The president’s been keeping busy. On Friday night, he had dinner with the CEO of Apple, Tim Cook. And this is nice — Trump even picked up the check. But then he ate it. --Jimmy Fallon

An 11-year-old boy in Florida was able to hack into a state elections website and change results in under 10 minutes. So get ready to meet Florida’s next governor, Fortnite McDeadpool. --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

On the bright side, that’s actually the healthiest thing he’s ever eaten (Eat Me)

On “Meet the Press” yesterday, Omarosa played a recording of Trump’s chief of staff John Kelly, firing her in the White House Situation Room. Experts said, “Nobody’s ever made a recording in that room.” Then one guy said, [Russian accent] “That you know about.” --Jimmy Fallon

In her new book, Omarosa claims that she once walked in on Trump in the Oval Office eating a piece of paper. Eating paper. On the bright side, that’s actually the healthiest thing he’s ever eaten. --Jimmy Fallon

She says that Trump ate a piece of paper in the Oval Office. But I think Trump was just confused. Because it was a note from an angry staffer that said, “Eat me.” --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”