He was gonna have a garage sale, but his garage is a crime scene, so it's just like — he can’t (store-brand uranium)

January 2023

“Ukrainian President Zelenskyy said that he isn't sure if Vladimir Putin is still alive. Right now, 20 Russian officials are sitting around a conference table like, ‘You poke him.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“And finally, a new study found that men who use Viagra are more likely to live longer. The worse part, Joe Biden is using the news to reassure everyone that he can serve another term.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Well, guys, today the U.S. hit the debt ceiling, which means the federal government can't borrow any more money. Right now the U.S. is $31 trillion in debt. The country's so strapped for cash, George Santos is e-mailing people pretending to be a Nigerian prince. Also to make some extra money, it’s now called the Gillette Mach3 Washington Monument.” —Jimmy Fallon

“But Republicans say they won't raise the debt ceiling unless there are drastic spending cuts. They even want us to switch our nukes to store-brand uranium. I mean, come on.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Today, Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen said extraordinary measures are being taken to keep the government's bills paid. Which explains why tonight Mitch McConnell started an OnlyFans.” —Jimmy Fallon

“That's right. Everyone wants to chip in. Today President Biden said he was gonna have a garage sale, but his garage is a crime scene, so it's just like — he can’t.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The only way this story could be more Florida is if the drive-thru were run by an alligator and his stripper girlfriend (Trade Offer)

Another tell-all book is coming out about the Trump presidency. And according to an excerpt, on the night of the election, Mike Pence tried to kiss his wife after Trump's victory but she turned away and said, "You got what you wanted. Now leave me alone." In all fairness, I'm pretty sure 99 percent of Mike Pence's conversations end with the other person saying, "Now leave me alone." She was upset that her husband had aligned himself with Donald Trump. But don't worry, I'm sure him spending the day with Brett Kavanaugh is bound to win her over. Pence tried to explain why there wasn't a kiss with his wife. He said, "We're saving ourselves for our 25th wedding anniversary." --James Corden

The big story of the debate was Donald Trump saying he might not accept the results of the election. Honestly, I didn’t know you could do that. I didn’t know you could just not accept things. If that’s the case, I’ve decided not to accept the results of my last acting audition. –James Corden

A couple in Florida was just arrested for selling drugs out of their mobile home after police noticed that they had constructed — and we're not making this up — a drive-thru window. The only way this story could be more Florida is if the drive-thru were run by an alligator and his stripper girlfriend. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Ed Sheeran’s reign of terror (special military sadness)

“We mourn the death of Queen Elizabeth II, who provided comfort to Britain for over 70 years. She helped weather several financial crises, joining and leaving the European Union and, of course, Ed Sheeran’s reign of terror.” —Stephen Colbert

“King Charles has immediately assumed his late mother’s financial portfolio worth billions, sans the 40% inheritance tax that applies to most British subjects. He’s supposed to be the ultimate public servant, and he doesn’t pay taxes? That is going to cost him some votes.” —Stephen Colbert

“In other news, Ukrainian victories in the east of the country have shattered Russia’s reputation as a military superpower. But don’t you worry, Russia, you’ll always have your reputation as an endless wasteland littered with clinically depressed root vegetables.” —Stephen Colbert

“The defeats have military experts noting that Russian troops suffer from low morale – or as the Kremlin calls it, ‘special military sadness.’” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

a missed opportunity for a legendary G.I. Jane joke (Have you been injured in an accident?’)

April 2022

Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelensky made a televised speech during Sunday’s Grammy Awards. It was a heartfelt impassioned plea to help the people of Ukraine but a missed opportunity for a legendary G.I. Jane joke. —Colin Jost

A personal injury attorney in Florida allegedly drove her car into four people. Said the attorney, ‘Have you been injured in an accident?’ —Colin Jost

A new lawsuit accuses Burger King of falsely advertising their Whoppers as bigger than what people actually get. It’s the same accusation made in the case of Women vs Michael Che. —Colin Jost

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Stop! You are all under arrest (I see you, Bush)

March 2022

“President Volodymyr Zelensky of Ukraine addressed Congress by video link on Wednesday, pleading for more help in his country’s fight against Russia. Yeah, that’s right, Zelensky brought out all of America’s major moments: ‘I have a dream,’ 9/11, Mount Rushmore. You know he was on Wikipedia last night planning this out: [imitating Zelensky] ‘OK, Pearl Harbor, Boston Tea Party — should I mention Hulk Hogan sex tape, maybe?” —Trevor Noah

“And by the way, props to him, I mean he knows way more about America than most U.S. senators know about his country. Like, can you imagine how they would sound if they had to give an inspiring speech using Ukrainian history? [imitating U.S. senator] ‘Uh, people of Ukraine, remember the vision of your founder — I want to say Daniel Ukraine?’” —Trevor Noah

“I’m also impressed that Zelensky was able to dodge so many land mines in his research, because you realize this could have gone very wrong: [imitating Zelensky] ‘And now to 9/11, which as we all know from YouTube was inside job. I see you, Bush.’” —Trevor Noah

“Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky delivered a virtual address to Congress this morning and received a standing ovation, making him the first comedian to actually deserve one.” —Seth Meyers

“You know it is powerful when that many old people jump to their feet. There are knees in that room that were alive during the Roosevelt administration.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the one I totaled after driving it straight into a Wendy’s (The only band yet to confirm is The Cure)

“In other bungling response news, Trump falsely asserted enough tests for all Americans would be available ASAP (they’re not) and that those tests were as ‘perfect’ as his call with the Ukrainian president, Volodomyr Zelensky, that fueled his impeachment. You’re comparing the test for a global pandemic to the thing that got you impeached? That’s not a good comparison. That’s like borrowing your friend’s Kia and saying: ‘This reminds me a lot of my last car, the one I totaled after driving it straight into a Wendy’s.’” —Seth Meyers

“Also today, it was announced that, due to coronavirus, the music festival Coachella has now been postponed until October. In fact, headliner Rage Against the Machine has already changed their name to Rage to Get the Vaccine. And that’s not the only musical act that plans to be in Coachella in October. You can also count on Miley Virus, Justin Fever, the Flu Fighters, Pandemic! at the Disco — we got like a hundred of these. The only band yet to confirm is The Cure.” — James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

OK, where do I sign the check? (the angriest meal of the day)

“On Thursday morning, Trump began his toxic victory shamble at the National Prayer Breakfast, attended by every president since the tradition began in 1953. You know what they say, the Prayer Breakfast is the angriest meal of the day.” —Stephen Colbert

“Trump condemned perceived enemies, hyped his impeachment ‘victory’ and flouted the event’s theme of forgiveness in a performance that was so inappropriate that even Fox News summed it up as ‘Trump Slams Opponents At National Prayer Breakfast.’ That is the worst presidential headline since ‘Nixon Drop-Kicks Baby Panda at National Zoo’.” —Stephen Colbert

“As usual, Trump defended his 25 July phone call with the Ukrainian president, Volodymyr Zelensky, in which he promised aid and then said, ‘I’d like you to do us a favor, though,’ as a ‘very good phone call. I know bad phone calls.’

Oh I’m sure you do, Mr President. [Colbert as Trump]: ‘They always start with ‘I swear I’ve never met her before,’ and they end with ‘OK, where do I sign the check?’” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Let's return to the tax policy of Radical Socialist Dwight Eisenhower (store-brand hemorrhoid cream)

“We are now officially tits-deep in the Trump impeachment trial. The only thing standing between us and justice is 53 Republican Senators and the reality that this entire process is doomed – let’s get hopeless!” —Samantha Bee

“At issue in the Senate trial on Wednesday was the admittance of new evidence. Republicans voted along party lines to reject the appearance of witnesses such as the former national security adviser John Bolton or Lev Parnas, a former associate of Rudy Giuliani in Ukraine. Which is a shame, because Parnas brought receipts to the table – huge receipts, like CVS-level receipts that are 30 feet long and come with a coupon for store-brand hemorrhoid cream.” —Samantha Bee

“Perhaps most damning is a note Parnas wrote on Ritz-Carlton stationery in which he explicitly stated his goal to get Zelensky to investigate Joe Biden. If that evidence were any more of a smoking gun, Don Jr. would be holding it over a dead elephant. —Samantha Bee

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Because if being bad at something makes you not that thing... (Drunk History)

“Today’s live testimony was as dramatic as it was historic. It was the biggest ratings hit for C-SPAN 3 since ‘Drunk History’ starring Brett Kavanaugh.” --Stephen Colbert

"So this staffer overheard Trump asking about a foreign nation investigating his political opponent. That’s like if they had a picture of Nixon breaking into the Watergate.” --Stephen Colbert

“So Trump got caught before he could force Zelensky to do it. He failed, but the fact that he’s a bad criminal doesn’t make it not a crime. Because if being bad at something makes you not that thing, then Trump is not a business owner or a husband.” --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

There's one guy holding both puppets! (there are two additional wives that might disagree with you)

“I’m so excited, I won’t be able to sleep — so like every other night of the Trump presidency.” --Stephen Colbert

“Mr. President, if you’re claiming the first is the most important of something, there are two additional wives that might disagree with you.” --Stephen Colbert

“The only way the phone call could be more important than the one we read is if it turns out Trump said, ‘Listen, Zelensky, in a couple of months I’m going to call you, and as a joke, I’m going to try to extort you, O.K.? Keep that between us.’” --Jimmy Kimmel, referring to President Volodymyr Zelensky of Ukraine

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

It’s entirely possible he just said ‘dot, dot, dot.’ (Turn on a camera — he delivers)

“The White House intentionally left things out. It’s like the infamous 18-and-a-half-minute gap on Nixon’s Watergate tapes if Nixon had left in all the bad stuff. I mean, for Pete’s sake, how do you edit the transcript and leave in ‘I’d like you to do us a favor, though’?” --Stephen Colbert

“Come on, you don’t have to go all the way to Ukraine to get embarrassing tape of Joe Biden. Turn on a camera — he delivers.” --Stephen Colbert

“He said the transcript the White House released was missing crucial details, like Trump asking about recordings of Joe Biden, President Zelensky mentioning the company Hunter Biden worked for, and all the times the president burped into his McFlurry.” --Jimmy Kimmel

“It definitely seemed at the time like the memo of Trump’s call was not, in fact, a complete transcript, because there were multiple ellipses throughout. And those were definitely not pauses, because Donald Trump does not take pauses; he just yammers until he runs out of oxygen and then inhales like he’s about to go pearl diving.” --Seth Meyers

“It’s Donald Trump. It’s entirely possible he just said ‘dot, dot, dot.’” --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

he tweeted it from the Abraham Lincoln room in the John F. Kennedy Library (It's sad in America...)

“Some of the transcript is a little hard to follow because Zelensky’s English isn’t very good and, well, Trump’s is even worse.” --James Corden

“It actually would have been better for Trump if the whole transcript had just said ‘unintelligible.’” --Seth Meyers

“Following House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s announcement of impeachment proceedings against President Trump, Trump tweeted this morning that there is, ‘no president in the history of our country who has been treated so badly as I have.’ Even more amazing, he tweeted it from the Abraham Lincoln room in the John F. Kennedy Library.” --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I agree. It was fantastic (O.K., now I’m ready for gun control)

“Trump’s call to Ukraine’s president is especially crazy because before Zelensky was sworn into office in May, he was actually an actor who literally starred in a sitcom about a random dude becoming president of Ukraine. So it was basically a conversation with someone who started his political career by pretending to be president and another guy who started his political career by pretending to be successful.” --Samantha Bee

“Trump gave a news conference and he called his phone call with Ukraine’s president ‘perfect.’ He said it was perfect. Then Nancy Pelosi said, ‘I agree. It was fantastic.’” --Conan O’Brien

“A lot of people are calling the transcript a smoking gun, which explains why today Trump said, ‘O.K., now I’m ready for gun control.’” --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

When Ukraines, it pours (It’s all bad men)

“Who would believe Volodymyr Zelensky would be his Monica Lewinsky?” --Jimmy Kimmel

“I think he wants to admit he colluded with a foreign power — he’s proud of it. He doesn’t understand what all the commotion is about. He would do it again. He’s Jack Nicholson in ‘A Few Good Men,’ although in this story, there are no good men. It’s all bad men.” --Jimmy Kimmel

“He’s right, it was pretty great. It was a perfect phone call. Pleasantries were exchanged. Friendships were built. Crimes were committed. I have no notes. I give him five stars.” --Jimmy Kimmel

“When Ukraines, it pours.” --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

and I don’t want to get too technical — bad/Eat crow in style!/Discretionary Spending

“And these notes from Trump’s phone call fromUkrainian president, Volodymyr Zelensky,  that they released make Trump look — and I don’t want to get too technical — bad.” --Stephen Colbert

“[Imitating game show announcers] ‘Tell the president what he’s won!’ ‘It’s protracted impeachment inquiries, a permanent stain on his already shameful legacy, and a lovely Broyhill dinette set. Broyhill: Eat crow in style!” --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

That’s like looking both ways before you cross the street then getting hit by a drone (I think this guy might be dealing meth)

President Trump said that he had brought up the subject of Joe Biden’s son Hunter to Ukraine’s President, Volodymyr Zelensky.

“We spent years talking about Russia; it might be Ukraine that takes down Trump. Who saw that coming? That’s like looking both ways before you cross the street then getting hit by a drone.” --Jimmy Fallon

“Maybe even crazier is the fact that Trump did this on July 25th, the day after the Mueller testimony. So a day after the conclusion of a major investigation into whether he got help in an election from a foreign leader, he gets on the phone and asks for help from another foreign leader. It’s like the only thing I can compare it to is when Mike Tyson bit Evander Holyfield’s ear and then bit Evander Holyfield’s other ear.” --Jimmy Kimmel

“The bottom line is it would appear the president used his office to ask a foreign country to dig up dirt on his opponent, and Democrats in Congress are thinking very seriously about threatening to maybe consider almost doing something about it.” --Jimmy Kimmel

“Today Nancy Pelosi said, ‘Another five or 600 violations and we might think about impeachment.’” --Jimmy Fallon

“While addressing the whistle-blower complaint about Ukraine, Nancy Pelosi accused President Trump of endangering national security. Yeah, Nancy, where you been? You’re like, my mom’s friend who is watching Season 4 of ‘Breaking Bad’ and says, ‘I think this guy might be dealing meth.’” --Seth Meyers

“I know they say that history repeats itself, but usually it’s after a few generations, not, like, two years later with the exact same person.” --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”