NHL: Washington Capitals vs Philadelphia Flyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I guess it does sound better than Oopsies (lost the will)

Here's another big story: After this week's summit fell apart, North Korea says Kim Jong-un may have lost the will for future negotiations. Meanwhile, when they heard the phrase "lost the will," all of Trump's kids passed out. --Jimmy Fallon

"Karl Rove's new memoir, 'Courage and Consequence,' is coming out next week. Not sure if 'Courage and Consequence' is how most people would describe the Bush years, but I guess it does sound better than 'Oopsies.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You won a beauty contest (Congratulations! It's a man!)

The other day, a man in Minnesota got arrested, and handed the officer a Monopoly "Get out of jail free" card. Then when he got to prison, his cellmate handed him a card that said, "You won a beauty contest." –Jimmy Fallon

A woman in South Carolina just gave birth to a 14.4-pound baby boy. The doctor was like, "Congratulations! It's a man!" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I just want to make sure he knows, he’s two points behind JD Vance (The Blart of the Deal)

A new Economist/YouGov poll showed President Trump at his lowest approval rating ever, of 34 percent. He is now down to 34 percent. He has the same approval rating as Paul Blart: Mall Cop. The Blart of the Deal. —Jimmy Kimmel

Not only is Trump at his lowest point, he’s also two points behind JD Vance. I don’t have a joke for that. I just want to make sure he knows, he’s two points behind JD Vance. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

for the guy who wrote Rocky V (pushing right back)

President Trump tweeted that he may pardon someone

because Sylvester Stallone asked him to. The pardon is for

the guy who wrote "Rocky V." --Conan O’Brien

"Marco Rubio announced he's running for president. Fun fact:

Marco Rubio's wife is a former Miami Dolphins cheerleader.

In other words, she knows how to generate fake enthusiasm for

someone who's not going to win." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I couldn't help myself, he was delicious (A Day Without Women)

Tomorrow, there’s a protest across the country known as “A Day

Without Women.” In fairness, I celebrated “A Day Without

Women” all through my 20s. –Conan O’Brien

In an interview this week, Barbra Streisand revealed that she cloned her favorite dog, twice. Barbra said, "I couldn't help myself, he was delicious." --Conan O’Brien

"Today, Angelina Jolie met with Pope Francis at the Vatican. Long story short: She adopted him." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The World's Most Dangerous Drug (Note to self)

They are developing a pill which can give women orgasms without having sex. Read all about this revolutionary discovery in my new book, The World's Most Dangerous Drug. --Norm Macdonald

In North Carolina the Bowman Gray School of Medicine is looking for 20 habitual marijuana smokers who they'll provide with free pot in order to study the effects of the drug. Note to self, spend summer vacation at the Bowman Gray School of Medicine. --Norm Macdonald

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

And it's already announced its support for Trump for president (an elevator that can take you into space)

At Ohio State University, it was just announced that a tiny human brain has been grown in a lab. Isn't that crazy? And it's already announced its support for Trump for president. –Conan O’Brien

A company is developing an elevator that can take you into space. Don't you hate it when you're going to Jupiter and someone gets on the elevator and presses "Mars"? –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wow, no wonder so many people called in sick at Nickelodeon (an invincible love)

So CNN's Brian Stelter says his friends in LA told him that 99.9% of the city is just fine. Coincidentally 99.9% is also his body fat. —Greg Gutfeld 

According to ICE the migrants arrested in LA included convicted sex offenders and drug dealers. Wow, no wonder so many people called in sick at Nickelodeon. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

an apparent insult directed at Nancy Pelosi (purple shart)

So last night Democrat senator Cory Booker broke the record for the longest Senate speech in history. Cory Booker didn't take any bathroom breaks and he denies using diapers or catheters, an apparent insult directed at Nancy Pelosi. —Greg Gutfeld

But Jerry Nadler was so impressed with Booker's continence, he awarded him a purple shart. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Some better, pushing right back (in case I have to eat them)

I should keep my words soft and sweet in case I have to eat them.

--Anonymous

Living on earth may be expensive but it includes an annual trip around the sun.—Anonymous

A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if they had built their towns big enough for another person. --Anonymous

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What a genius, he'll be missed (something better, pushing right back)

"George Bush says we are losing the War on Drugs. You know what that implies? There's a war being fought and people on drugs are winning it!" – Bill Hicks

Dr. James Watts, a neurosurgeon who performed the first frontal lobotomy died this week in Washington. If you recall, a lobotomy involves drilling holes in the skull and then inserting and rotating a knife to destroy brain cells. What a genius, he'll be missed. --Norm Macdonald, SNL

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he was the only reporter wearing tear-away pants and a dog collar (an invincible love)

And finally, I saw that Monopoly just released a new version of their game called Monopoly for Millennials. It's just like the original except everyone starts with $60,000 of college debt. --Jimmy Fallon

I want to say happy birthday to Prince Charles, who turned 68 today. His friends got him a cake, which was nice until Queen Elizabeth popped out of it and shouted, “Still here!” –Jimmy Fallon

But this isn't the first time the White House has had trouble with a press pass. There have been sort of notable problems with that process, including in the Bush administration when they gave a -- regularly, gave a day pass to someone who turned out to be a male escort. They knew something was up when he was the only reporter wearing tear-away pants and a dog collar. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I found there was, within me, an invincible love (If I die, maybe I’ll get to meet Prince)

“These are the five stages of coronavirus. First, you have denial: ‘I’m not going to get the coronavirus. Only old people, Chinese people, and people on cruise ships get that.’ Second, anger: ‘Why isn’t there any toilet paper at Target? Is everybody nuts?’ Then bargaining: ‘All right, there’s no Purell. Maybe I’ll make my own hand sanitizer with Jergens and vodka.’ But next comes depression: ‘I can’t believe they canceled Coachella. I’m not gonna get to see Carly Rae Jepsen for a year now!’ And finally, acceptance, which is ‘Hey, you know what? If I die, maybe I’ll get to meet Prince.’” —Jimmy Kimmel

On Saturday ABC News hosted the eighth Republican debate and the big moment was in the beginning, when Ben Carson didn't come out because he couldn't hear his name when he was introduced. It's OK, Ben, we know you're not supposed to wake a sleepwalker. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Don’t Worry I Was Adopted (4.5 billion reasons)

Today is the Republican caucus in Nevada, and Donald Trump is projected to win. When asked why they’re voting for him, Americans said, "We’re used to doing things in Nevada that we’ll regret tomorrow." –Conan O’Brien

When asked about Cuba Gooding Jr.’s portrayal of him, O.J. Simpson said he’s "not tall enough and his head is too small." Simpson then said, "Also, he didn't kill my wife." –Conan O’Brien

Despite Jeb Bush’s poor campaign, some analysts are already talking about the political rise of his son, George P. Bush. George P. Bush has already got his campaign slogan: "Don’t Worry I Was Adopted." –Conan O’Brien

Although she herself is an immigrant, Donald Trump’s wife Melania says she is fine with her husband’s tough anti-immigration stance. When asked why, Mrs. Trump said she had about 4.5 billion reasons. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So, if you're dreaming of a really white Christmas, have I got the gift for you (Wow! This guy's a legend.)

November 2022

“Meanwhile, today, Mike Pence released his new memoir, ‘So Help Me God.’ So, if you're dreaming of a really white Christmas, have I got the gift for you.” —Jimmy Fallon

“That's right -- the Grammys will be at the Crypto.com Arena. Honestly, the Crypto.com Arena makes sense, because most of the nominees will walk away with nothing.” —Jimmy Fallon

“A man in China ran a full marathon in a pretty unique way. If the thought of running a marathon has you winded, imagine doing it while smoking a pack of cigarettes. He completed all 26.2 miles in 3 hours and 28 minutes. Wow! This guy's a legend. He's already on the front of the box of Wheezies.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Something stronger-something better, pushing right back (So I guess they're going to fight fire with fire)

"Republican Senator Tom Coburn said yesterday that Christine O'Donnell, if elected, will be able to combat the stupidity in Washington. So I guess they're going to fight fire with fire." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday President Obama told voters that he's a Christian. But you see how Fox News reported it? They said Obama admits he's a follower of the bearded radical from the Middle East." –Jay Leno

"Breaking Bad" airs its final episode on Sunday. It's about a chemistry teacher who has cancer and starts making meth to help cover his medical bills and provide for his family. Or as Republicans call that, a legitimate alternative to Obamacare." –Jay Leno

"It looks like the federal government could be shutting down. The legal definition of a government shutdown is when Congress continues not to work, but they do it from home." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Both have the experience of driving a car with a dog on the roof (a vice president who hunts is always a good choice)

"In college Paul Ryan drove the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile. So he and Mitt Romney have something in common. Both have the experience of driving a car with a dog on the roof."  –David Letterman

"Paul Ryan likes to hunt and we all know that a vice president who hunts is always a good choice." –David Letterman

"Republicans like Paul Ryan because they say he's a fiscal conservative, and that's a perfect balance for Romney who's a guy that has an elevator for his Cadillacs." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They have a similar result, but there’s a vas deferens (an invincible love)

June 2022

“With contraception in the judicial cross hairs, folks are taking their genitals into their own hands, with men rushing to get vasectomies — and then very slowly walking home from them.” —Stephen Colbert

“According to one urologist, before the Supreme Court’s ruling he received four or five vasectomy requests a day. But since the decision, that number has spiked to 12 to 18. Makes sense. The most effective forms of birth control for men are abstinence and vasectomies. They have a similar result, but there’s a vas deferens.” —Stephen Colbert

“I’ve never personally performed a vasectomy, but I’d like to try my very first one on Samuel Alito.” —Chelsea Handler

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What is the opposite of a meeting of the minds? (some of my best friends spill oil in this gulf)

“Rush Limbaugh has lost so many advertisers that on Thursday there was five minutes on his show of dead air. And most observers agree he’s never been so eloquent. “–Bill Maher

"CPAC, they didn't invite Chris Christie, but they did invite Rick Perry and Sarah Palin – to answer the question, 'What is the opposite of a meeting of the minds?'" –Bill Maher

“Mitt Romney is not a regular guy. He was campaigning in Mississippi this week and said ‘some of my best friends spill oil in this gulf.’” –Bill Maher

“Rush Limbaugh: four wives he’s had – no children. Dude, you are birth control.” –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”