Sorry, dude. You had your shot (Ouija board/Crying is not an emergency)

The CDC named mosquitoes as the world's deadliest animal, blaming it on 700,000 deaths each year, except for 2021 when another blood sucker called Fauci came in first. —Greg Gutfeld 

45 years after a lovesick John Hinckley tried to kill President Reagan in an attempt to impress Jodie Foster, Hinckley's reached out to the actress again. Sorry, dude. You had your shot. —Greg Gutfeld 

ICE will be given gloves that produce electric shocks to deal with rioters. After hearing the news, Don Lemon claimed there's an illegal immigrant up his butt. —Greg Gutfeld 

Kentucky governor Andy Beshear claimed he had not heard from Mitch McConnell about his recovery process. He thinks the main problem is that his Ouija board isn’t working. —Kat Timpf 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

we must consider the possibility that I do weigh 239 pounds (I'm worried I will never be sober again)

Audience, I’m worried that once they make self-driving cars, I will

never be sober again. --Stephen Colbert

Today the president also pardoned Saudi Arabia. The CIA is

preparing a report that is expected to tie the brutal murder of

journalist Jamal Khashoggi to crown prince Mohammed bin

Salman, but the president got out in front of the CIA today and

released a statement on Khashoggi’s killing.

It starts out with a calm reassuring message: “The world is a very

dangerous place!” It is now! Apparently you can kill a Washington

Post journalist and the president don’t give a damn, because Trump’s

official presidential decision on who is a resolute, “I dunno.”

Trump wrote, “Our intelligence agencies continue to assess all

information, but it could very well be that the crown prince had

knowledge of this tragic event. Maybe he did, and maybe he didn’t!”

Did Donald Trump just knowingly provide cover for a murderous

autocrat? Maybe he did and maybe he didn’t. Someone wrote that

down. Someone actually typed that -- “Maybe he did. Maybe he

didn’t.”

That statement informs us in no way. A Magic Eight Ball would have

taken a firmer stance. Colbert as Trump, “Look things are not

knowable. We live in a quantum state of flux, where time and matter

coexist in interdimensional plasma in which all possible pasts and

futures simultaneously manifest on the space-time continuum. And

in that infinite multi-verse of non-congruent para-data, we must

consider the possibility that I do weigh 239 pounds.”

--Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Of course, that never stopped Kamala Harris and Joe Biden (maggot sauce)

Millie Vanilli denies that they're playing at America's 250th celebration, mainly because one half of the duo is dead. Of course, that never stopped Kamala Harris and Joe Biden. —Greg Gutfeld

Jerry Nadler visited an ICE detention center in Newark where he heard that there are maggots in the food, prompting him to call his assistant to bring him his maggot sauce. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Keep doing what you’re not doing (Operation Why Does My Back Hurt?)

On The Daily Show, Josh Johnson looked at the deployment of federal agents in US airports plagued by long lines, thanks to the partial government shutdown. “The good news is that Trump sent people to help TSA. The bad news is those people are ICE. You’re telling me ICE agents are showing up to the airport and doing absolutely nothing? Well then it’s my honor to present the award for Most Improved Agency. To ICE, he said: You’re not doing anything, and honestly thank God! Keep doing what you’re not doing.” — Josh Johnson

The army also just raised its maximum recruitment age to 42, up from 35, in an effort to draw more recruits. Oh shit. We’re letting 42-year-olds sign up for the military now? They’re going to have to change the name from Operation Epic Fury to Operation Why Does My Back Hurt? —Josh Johnson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey, as long as it's the bottom half, baby (“Oh Lord!” said the Jamaican bobsled team)

A new study finds that by the year 2035, nearly half of American adults will be obese. Hey, as long as it's the bottom half, baby. —Michael Che

Relationship experts are warning that asking a person "How are you?" is a useless way to start a conversation, which is why I always open with "How much?” —Michael Che

It was reported that ICE agents will have a small security role at the Winter Olympics in Italy. “Oh Lord!” said the Jamaican bobsled team. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

if you startle him when he’s cornered, he’ll inflate his neck pouch (Good story! That's great!)

Reports have suggested that for her Amazon documentary, Melania made about $28 million. Between this and her marriage, she’s probably the highest-paid actress in the world. The film goes up against the Sam Raimi horror flick Send Help, which would have been a much better title for the documentary. —Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump is starting to worry about his plunging popularity over his goons’ brutality, which has reportedly left him unsettled and backed into a corner, according to reports. Backed into a corner is the most dangerous place for him to be because if you startle him when he’s cornered, he’ll inflate his neck pouch. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

which is how I believe Stephen Miller reproduces (Epstein's clients)

Minnesotans have been terrorized by Trump’s goons and the nation has been outraged with anti-ICE sentiment even appearing in apolitical online spaces. Kristi Noem, the head of homeland security, called the slain nurse Alex Pretti a “domestic terrorist” without evidence, something that even led to Republicans demanding her resignation. 

Trump has said he thinks Noem is “doing a very good job” and Colbert added, in character, that there is “no one else I’d rather have everyone blame for my mindless cruelty”. 

Noem has tried to blame Stephen Miller for her comments while Miller, referring to Pretti as an “assassin”, has said this was based on information from Customs and Border Protection, which is run by Kristi Noem. It is a real snake eating its own tail, which is how I believe Stephen Miller reproduces. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Easy on the colonizing, old chum (Are we dicks?)

I get that ICE agents are people, allegedly, and they have a job to do, but at some point, while you're pepper-spraying old ladies or shooting at a nurse, do you ever stop and ask yourself, "Are we dicks?” —Michael Che

The singing of the U.S. national anthem at an NBA game in London, was interrupted by protesters yelling, "Leave Greenland alone!” And you know we've gone too far when the British are like, "Easy on the colonizing, old chum.” —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

But like I keep telling everyone, it's not a public bathroom (I was told there'd be Epstein Files)

A federal judge on Friday ordered ICE agents in Minnesota not to retaliate against peaceful protesters. But if ICE agents listen to judges, then their ex-wives would be getting those checks for child support. —Colin Jost

The American Institute of Architects has given an Outstanding Architectural Design Award to a public bathroom in Staten Island. But like I keep telling everyone, it's not a public bathroom. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's like if someone says, "Help yourself to anything in the kitchen,” and you bang his wife (How deep are y'all digging?)

Officials in Minnesota have sued the Trump administration, claiming that their large-scale ICE actions are an unconstitutional federal invasion, while the Trump administration claims that, “Yep." —Michael Che

During a visit to the White House, Venezuelan opposition leader Maria Corina Machado presented Trump with her Nobel Peace Prize. What kind of psycho would actually accept someone else’s Nobel Peace Prize? She just won it. It's like if someone says, "Help yourself to anything in the kitchen,” and you bang his wife. —Michael Che

Researchers are saying that there is a possibility that people who frequently pick their nose are more likely to develop Alzheimer’s. Damn! How deep are y'all digging? —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What they're going to do is bring back Bush and Cheney for a week (Cheney's tube socks)

"Future President Sarah Palin made her first appearance on Fox News yesterday—after signing a multi-year deal with the network. She was a guest on 'The O'Reilly Factor.' Sources say they have not seen Bill O'Reilly that aroused since the time he got to see Dick Cheney change his tube socks." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama's approval rating is down to 46 percent. But the White House has an idea for how to get it back up again. What they're going to do is bring back Bush and Cheney for a week." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That’s an insult to every law enforcement officer everywhere (dropping her six-year-old off at school)

“Terrible things happen every day. Sad things happen, tragedies, cruelty, injustice, et cetera. And in most situations, it’s just a bad part of life. But what do you do when something terrible happens and a big group of people, including those who are running our country, tells you it didn’t? They tell you you’re not seeing what you clearly see. Are you supposed to just accept it and move on, go about your day? What do you do?”

“It’s important for us to know what happened, and what is happening, because if we don’t, it’s definitely going to happen again. There used to be a baseline of decency. The full force of the White House and the commentators who have decided that their job is to support anything and everything their leader says or does, are trying to convince us that a mom who just dropped her six-year-old off at school was part of a leftwing terror effort.”

“This woman, this unarmed mama – a devout Christian, by the way – who had no criminal record, driving a Honda Pilot trying to get away from armed men in masks in the snow, masked men who are screaming at her. We’re to believe this woman was a terrorist committing a terrorist act? And the fact that ICE shot through her windshield three times, that was her fault?”

According to Kristi Noem, the ICE officer was “following his training”. “How stupid do you think we are? That is not just an insult to Renee Good. That’s an insult to every law enforcement officer everywhere. They’re not trained to do that. Again, I encourage you to watch the video for yourself.”

“And by the way, I know it isn’t easy to work in law enforcement. I get that people make mistakes in the heat of a situation, but don’t try to tell me that went by the book. Apologize, investigate, let justice be served. I find it hard to believe that even people who love Donald Trump would go along with this, but I guess they do.” —Jimmy Kimmel

 

They're made out of people who ask too many questions (it does seem like he’s had a lot of concussions)

​​"McDonald's released a new video showing how it makes their Chicken McNuggets. Apparently it turns out that McNuggets aren't made out of chicken. They're made out of people who ask too many questions." –Conan O'Brien

It has been reported that a woman in Illinois still breastfeeds her eight-year-old son and she says that the boy doesn't think there's anything odd about it. Though the boy does want to know why his friends always want to have lunch at his house. --Conan O’Brien 7/11/2002

Donald Trump told People Magazine that he’s good at sports. Which could be true, because it does seem like he’s had a lot of concussions. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

with the help of their star players, ICE (Every visit to the Bronx is a gamble)

The World Cup draw was held Friday, and team USA will first face Paraguay. The U.S. team is heavily favored to beat Paraguay with the help of their star players, ICE. —Michael Che

Officials have for the first time approved building casinos in New York City, including one in the Bronx. Because let's be honest. Every visit to the Bronx is a gamble. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

writing the first draft of her concession speech (Sure, Lori, you go first)

Kamala Harris is hinting that she may run for president again in 2028. I know. In fact, she got to work writing the first draft of her concession speech. —Greg Gutfeld

Former Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot wants to force ICE agents to remove their masks. ICE responded, "Sure, Lori, you go first.” —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

whenever I mention a product on the air, they send me a box for free (to catch all those farm workers who can afford Super Bowl tickets)

A Trump adviser said Ice agents will attend the Super Bowl after Bad Bunny was announced as the halftime performer. You know, to catch all those farm workers who can afford Super Bowl tickets. —Michael Che

The FDA quietly approved the generic abortion pill just before the shutdown, and I don't have a joke. But whenever I mention a product on the air, they send me a box for free. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He had already purchased his tuxedo (No Kings)

A New Jersey high school canceled its homecoming dance due to low interest among students. It was a bummer for Anthony Weiner who had already purchased his tuxedo. —Greg Gutfeld 

“This Saturday, nearly 2,700 No Kings protest events are planned around the country, which is funny because if we had a king, there would be no protests.” —Greg Gutfeld

Don Lemon is calling for black and brown people to arm themselves against ICE. When reached for comment, black and brown people said, “Who's Don Lemon?” —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Just have the cigarette after (he only haunts the people he cares about)

Italy's Prime Minister Giorgia Meloni joked that she'd kill someone if she had to stop smoking. Hillary Clinton responded, "Just have the cigarette after.” —Greg Gutfeld  

During a recent interview, Kamala Harris made it clear that Joe Biden is ghosting her. The Biden's comforted Kamala telling her Joe only haunts the people he cares about. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”