Do what I do, choose neither (six more went out for cigarettes and never came back)

Donald Trump's speech fell nine minutes short of breaking President Clinton's record for the longest State of the Union. And when he heard that, Trump grabbed the mic and spent 10 minutes reading the iTunes user agreement.  --Jimmy Fallon

That's right, Trump and Kellyanne Conway’s husband are in a huge Twitter feud right now. But Kellyanne says that she's not being asked to choose between her marriage and her job. And Trump was like, "Do what I do, choose neither." --Jimmy Fallon

And listen to this. Since his last State of the Union, eight members of Trump's cabinet have either quit or been fired. And six more went out for cigarettes and never came back. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

It was the longest in history, lasting almost two full diapers (if it comes down to either him or Meghan Markle)

President Trump's State of the Union address this week was the longest in history, lasting almost two full diapers. —Colin Jost

Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor, the former prince and current river corpse...has been arrested and now may be banned from ever taking the throne. In fact, the royal family said the only way he can become king is if it comes down to either him or Meghan Markle. —Colin Jost

Thursday was National Small Dog Day, which is celebrated every February by hawks. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

finally this administration has a sex scandal involving consenting adults (I think you have to take that seriously)

President Trump’s said that he expected his State of the Union speech to be long. Oh yeah, I think we’re all expecting that. He is incapable of being brief. Even if Trump were just going to read a haiku, I would expect two intermissions. —Seth Meyers

We have a status update on the homeland security secretary, Kristi Noem. As head of DHS, Noem has a busy job starting wars in American cities, but somehow she seems to have found time for love. There are many reports that Noem, who is married, is having a poorly concealed affair with her deputy, Corey Lewandowski. Both have denied the rumors. Guys, finally this administration has a sex scandal involving consenting adults. We did it! USA, USA, USA! —Desi Lydic

President Trump’s controversial tariffs, which the supreme court, even stacked with conservative justices, declared unconstitutional in a 6-3 opinion. Somebody finally had the balls to say they were illegal. A court composed mostly of his own party’s appointees has struck down the constitutionality of Trump’s go-it-alone tariff regime. That’s bound to cause him some introspection. Not quite. In a post on Truth Social, Trump called the supreme court a “disgrace to our nation” and suggested the justices were an “embarrassment” to their families. When a guy who had sex with a porn star right after his wife had given birth tells you you’re an embarrassment to your family, I think you have to take that seriously. —Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

regulating your cognitive infrastructure (It was a much friendlier dementia)

We were gone one week, and Trump's now at war with the supreme court. He’s threatening a real war with Iran. He’s firing off tariffs, 10%, 15%, he’s got the FCC threatening talkshows. He’s threatening Netflix. He’s all of a sudden threatening to release the UFO files. And it really makes you stop and wonder: what the hell could be in those 3 million Trump-Epstein files they’re still hiding? He’s working so hard to distract us. The only thing he hasn’t done is set his nipples on fire. —Jimmy Kimmel

President Trump’s 107-minute State of the Union address was the longest ever. What a speech it wasn’t. He bragged about DEI. He bragged about kicking 2 million people off food stamps. It was like a Christmas message from the Grinch. When you ramble incoherently for two hours is that technically still a speech or does it at some point become a conniption fit? The speech went on so long Kristi Noem’s dog shot itself. —Jimmy Kimmel

“I have to say: Trump’s dementia really makes me miss Joe Biden’s dementia. It was a much friendlier dementia." —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

My fellow Armenians (a 10:00 shadow)

So, President Trump gave his State of the Union to Congress last night. Meanwhile, in Delaware, Joe Biden stood before a mailbox and said, "My fellow Armenians.” —Greg Gutfeld

At just under an hour and 48 minutes, Trump's speech was the longest State of the Union in American history. It was so long that Rashida Tlaib had a 10:00 shadow. It was so long Maxine Waters had to walk that thing on her head three times. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

or as the rest of the world calls it, her face (philanthropy)

Nancy Pelosi was seen throughout the night with a disturbed and horrified expression, or as the rest of the world calls it, her face. —Greg Gutfeld

Also during Trump's address Democrats failed to stand for Laken Riley family or a child with brain cancer. But I guess they only stand for people, like Joe Biden, who are brain dead. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If the ruling class wanted folks to have healthcare... (Where’s My Epilady?!)

As you know many of the Dems came to the event with signs of protests. Some even held up messages on a whiteboard. Rashida Tlaib’s read, ‘Where’s My Epilady?!’ —Greg Gutfeld

At the beginning of the speech representative Al Green was kicked out of the chamber. But it's not his fault, he thought walking with a cane meant he could board his flight early. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

But I was told this hamburger would be $38 (leave the room twice to shave)

President Trump gave a speech last night to the Joint Session of Congress. There he listed his achievements and goals and it was long lasting more than 90 minutes. I'm told Rashida Tlaib had to leave the room twice to shave. —Greg Gutfeld

Trump’s speech was so long even Maxine Waters’ wig turned gray. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So he’s been training for this really for his whole life (his campaign bus runs on the tears of the poor)

Donald Trump is right now gearing up for his first State of the Union speech; it’s tomorrow night. State of the Union is the one day of the year presidents are supposed to brag about their accomplishments. So he’s been training for this really for his whole life. --Jimmy Kimmel

“Mitt Romney is getting some heat today for something he said on CNN. He said he's not concerned about the very poor. I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to say that out loud. Romney said the quote was taken out of context. And that he absolutely cares about the poor. In fact, his campaign bus runs on the tears of the poor.” –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Joint session sounds like more fun than it is (he chugged a quart of almond milk and ate half a grape)

"Well, tonight in Washington, President Barack Obama gave his State of the Union address before a joint session of Congress. Joint session sounds like more fun than it is." –Jimmy Kimmel

But what a game! The Eagles won their first Super Bowl ever, toppling Tom Brady and the New England Patriots. They said Tom Brady was so distraught after the game, he chugged a quart of almond milk and ate half a grape. --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Avert crisis of treating rail workers like humans (except you)

President Biden’s State of the Union speech was OK but you could tell the bar was low. The New York Post’s headline was, ‘He’s Alive!’. —Colin Jost

Biden also got a big response while addressing the issue of abortion when he said we’re about to find out how much political power women have, then he turned to Kamala and said, except you. —Colin Jost

Biden also took time to say in his speech that Shrinkflation is affecting Snickers bars and people pay the same amount for 10% fewer Snickers. And I have to give him credit because it’s pretty risky for a white guy with a stutter to keep saying the word Snickers. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

BUT that’s what they like about him (particularly the scene where Lincoln dies in the mouth of a great white shark)

"A member of Congress is criticizing Steven Spielberg after he discovered parts of the movie 'Lincoln' are historically inaccurate — particularly the scene where Lincoln dies in the mouth of a great white shark." –Conan O'Brien

“After President Trump gave his State of the Union address, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi tore it in half. Tore in half! Crazy. Yeah. Yeah. Then Melania said, ‘Great, now do my prenup.’” —Conan O’Brien

An ABC news poll showed that 48% of Americans think President Trump is mentally unstable. The remaining 52% agree BUT that’s what they like about him. --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Maybe 90! (you see how that sounds)

And listen to this. Since his last State of the Union, eight members of Trump's cabinet have either quit or been fired. And six more went out for cigarettes and never came back. --Jimmy Fallon

That's right. Trump spoke for 82 minutes. He was like, Fallon as Trump, "Wow, in that same time, I could have slept with Stormy Daniels… 82 times. Maybe 90!" --Jimmy Fallon

And finally, the CEO of Hershey says that they're fixing the way they make Kisses so that the tips don't get broken off. That's a good move, because nobody was buying their new product, Hershey's Just the Tips. --Jimmy Fallon

On the Republican side, Ted Cruz made history by becoming the first Hispanic to win the Iowa caucus. Then Cruz said, "And the first Canadian! — I mean, nothing!" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

All our buds, hit us up before the free weed's all ganja. Dank you. (selling lies for the ruling class)

But it's true -- a marijuana company is giving free weed to federal workers during the shutdown. Some people are questioning if free weed is really what these workers need. But a spokesman for the company released a statement, saying, quote, "We stand with all workers affected by the government shutdown." Then he added, "To be blunt, this is a sticky icky, icky situation that will only end with a joint resolution." He went on. He said, "We hope the pay freeze isn't chronic. It's not like these workers have cushy jobs. And we hope it ends for next Sunday's next big bowl." And finally he said, "All our buds, hit us up before the free weed's all ganja. Dank you." What a nice guy. --Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump's speech fell nine minutes short of breaking President Clinton's record for the longest State of the Union. And when he heard that, Trump grabbed the mic and spent 10 minutes reading the iTunes user agreement.  --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You promised me you would be in gabardine (He's hard to find)

"Now, of course, we all know that John McCain has said that as governor, Sarah Palin requested no earmarks. It turns out it's almost true. The senator was only off by $453 million [on screen: Gibson outlining Palin's earmark requests, including $2 million to learn more about crab mating habits]. $3.2 Million to watch crabs do it. Anyway, for those of you who would like to hear more explanations from Sarah Palin, sit tight. There are some rules. You can't just go talking to her all willy-nilly, right? McCain campaign chair Rick Davis [on screen: Davis saying Palin will do interviews on the terms and conditions of the McCain campaign, and that the interviewers must 'treat her with some level of respect and deference']. Deference. She'll talk to the press as soon as they stop asking her questions. Her next interview -- and this is not a joke -- is with Sean Hannity. I wonder if he'll show her deference." --Jon Stewart

"Last night in Washington, our President George W. Bush, 43rd President of these United States, delivered his seventh and some would say final State of the Union address [on screen: Bush saying, 'The state of the union will remain strong']. Added the president, 'I've done everything I could to jack this union up these past years, but union, you beat me. I tip my hat to you. You're a hell of a union.' But it was a big night. Everybody who was constitutionally mandated to be anybody was there. Hillary Clinton in a stunning red dress looking radiant, proving she would be the most electrifying cutaway. Son of a bitch, no! [on screen: FLOTUS Laura Bush also in red]. No! Damn you, Laura Bush! You promised me you would be in gabardine." --Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

by god, they should be paying half of my phone sex bill (At least make them wonder how you did it)

 

"During the State of the Union address, whoa what a rowdy crowd. Crazy crowd. At one point, Cheney had to fire a couple of shots in the air." --David Letterman

"But how about that ticket, John McCain and Sarah Palin. Political insiders told me that Sarah Palin's main job, her main job on the ticket now is to tell John McCain when he's got something on his chin." --David Letterman

"If the government has been monitoring my phone conversations, by god, they should be paying half of my phone sex bill." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Mike Pence’s tie was so straight, it made me suspicious (Dark Side of the Moon)

Baseball star Bryce Harper signed a $330 Million contract with the Philadelphia Phillies, finally answering the question, how much would you have to pay someone to live in Philadelphia? --Colin Jost, SNL

A mother in Indiana was arrested after students at an elementary school were exposed to marijuana-laced gummies that she had brought to school. Teachers became suspicious at recess when the kids tried to sync up “Dark Side of the Moon” with “Paw Patrol.” --Colin Jost, SNL

President Trump began his State of the Union speech with his tie crooked in his jacket. While Mike Pence’s tie was so straight, it made me suspicious. --Colin Jost, SNL

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The speech was stopped 72 times last night for applause and another 30 for subpoenas (It was hard to hear over the explosions)

"But Fidel Castro’s retirement will not change the relationship Cuba has with the United States. Cubans will still not legally be allowed to enter the United States unless they have an overpowering fastball." --David Letterman

"Vice President Dick Cheney, you know where he is right now? He's in Baghdad. He visited there. While he was in Iraq, he said that it's a successful endeavor. At least I think that's what he said. It was hard to hear over the explosions." --David Letterman

 

"President Bush's State of the Union address was stopped 72 times last night for applause and another 30 for subpoenas." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The game is in Arizona this year so don't be shocked if the Republicans don't accept the result (Where do I go to get my reputation back?)

“So it's Super Bowl weekend that’s probably what you were excited about. The game is in Arizona this year so don't be shocked if the Republicans don't accept the result.” —Bill Maher

“A few days ago there was another balloon over Latin America. They shot it down and Candy fell out.” —Bill Maher

“The State of the Union Address, don’t worry you don't have to say you saw it. I didn't either. It's ridiculous this thing. The state of our Union is uncivil, that’s what it is. I saw the clips. Oh my God, Republicans you know, Biden's trying to make a speech. They act like it's a bachelorette party at a comedy club. Marjorie Taylor Green screaming and shouting and yelling and heckling and booing. It's the State of the Union not The Rocky Horror Picture Show you dumbass.” —Bill Maher

The FBI has said that is was probably a lab leak that was responsible for the Covid outbreak. The manager at the Wuhan bat on a stick today said, ‘Where do I go to get my reputation back?’” —Bill Maher

“Republicans have taken over the house now, so the Ethics Committee they're investigating AOC because of that dress she wore at the Met Gala. Remember that Tax The Rich dress? There's something about improper gifts or whatever it is. Younger viewers who are watching this show might need to know that this is not the first time the Democrats have had a scandal that involved a dress with something on it.” —Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”