Illinois Governor JB Pritzker said illegal migrants are our neighbors and friends. He followed up by saying, “And they can keep a secret when I ask them to bathe me in a car wash.” —Greg Gutfeld
Earlier today, Apple CEO Tim Cook introduced the new iPhone 17. 17? I'll take two, said Anthony Weiner. —Greg Gutfeld
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html
“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”
Apple just released a new app that lets you read books with your kids on your TV. Or as dads put it, “Yeah, this ‘book’ is about the Patriots-Seahawks game, and it’s a thriller.” –Jimmy Fallon
Ben Affleck was patted down by TSA security at Los Angeles International Airport this week. Though when it was over, the woman whispered, “I’m not in the TSA.” –Jimmy Fallon
A plane in India had to make an emergency landing after a passenger found out her husband was cheating on her mid-flight. The passengers were like, “Finally, some good in-flight entertainment!” –Jimmy Fallon
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
“In response to the crash, today, President Biden delivered a speech and assured Americans they can have confidence that the banking system is safe. Hearing from Biden actually did make me feel better because you know if it were really bad, he would've been like, ‘Kamala, you take this one.’” —Jimmy Fallon
“Some more business news, I heard that Apple is working on AirPods that can improve your hearing, monitor your posture, and take your temperature. Take your temperature? People are like, ‘Exactly where am I supposed to put these things?’” —Jimmy Fallon
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
Ireland will be collecting $15 billion from Apple in a settlement over back taxes. Ireland will receive the money on Friday, and Guinness will have it all by Monday. –Conan O’Brien
In an interview, Senate candidate Roy Moore's spokesperson said his accusers gave "Academy Award performances." Then Moore interrupted and said, "I just wish they'd been Teen Choice Awards." –Conan O’Brien
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
The chair of the oversight committee, James Comer, tried to publicly slam Hunter Biden for demanding special treatment: “Hunter Biden is trying to play by his own rules instead of following the rules required of everyone else. That won’t stand with House Republicans.” Which is, of course, hilarious for about 10,000 different reasons. Even though we’ve seen no evidence, and they’ve seen no evidence, that Joe Biden had anything to do with this, Hunter and the laptop – this will not go away. Joe Biden could become the first president ever to get impeached because his son didn’t have Apple Care. —Jimmy Kimmel
These guys are so desperate to smear Joe Biden, they are literally now grasping at straws. Fox News host Jesse Watters criticized Biden for drinking a milkshake through a straw. Using a straw is “not a good look”, he said, because “men should never suck anything through a straw”. Really? Is that a thing now? Anyone feel like Jesse Watters might be going through some sort of an identity crisis? —Jimmy Kimmel
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
Apple has changed back their design of the peach emoji to look more like a butt after people were upset the new design no longer looked like a butt. So you see, people – sometimes democracy DOES work! –Conan O’Brien
"Yesterday the DEA raided several NFL teams suspected of giving prescription painkillers to their players. In its defense, the New York Jets' doctor said, 'We don't give painkillers to our players. We give them to our fans.'" –Conan O'Brien
"Scientists say the European space probe that landed on the comet has detected organic matter. This means there could be either life in space or a Whole Foods. We just don't know." –Conan O'Brien
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
China’s reason for engaging with America? Cash, as its economy has weathered anemic consumer spending and high youth unemployment. It’s gotten so bad that second-graders can’t get a job at the iPhone factory. And I’m being told that in response to that joke, Apple has canceled Jon Stewart again. —Stephen Colbert
In other news, Washington is increasingly a toxic dump. But there was a glimmer of governance on Tuesday when the House approved a stopgap measure to avoid a government shutdown, the first major piece of legislation passed by the new speaker, Mike Johnson. Unlike a previous stopgap measure passed by his predecessor, Kevin McCarthy, Johnson’s “two-step” stopgap will fund certain parts of the government into mid-January, and others into February. That is genius, because instead of just kicking the can down the road, Mike Johnson cut the can in half. So now they have to kick two smaller cans down two longer roads. —Stephen Colbert
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
After new polls show Donald Trump leading Joe Biden, democratic strategists are calling Biden’s re-election campaign a five-alarm fire., which is scary for Biden because in a fire, you have to use the stairs. —Colin Jost
FTX founder Sam Bankman-Fried has been convicted of securities fraud, wire fraud, and illegally making a wig out of a Labradoodle. The former crypto-currency CEO now faces up to 110 years in prison where ironically, he will be used as an alternative currency. —Colin Jost
In a new interview, Barbara Streisand said that she didn’t like the way Siri pronounced her name, so she called Apple CEO Tim Cook and told him to change it. Read more about it in this months issue of Insanely Unrelatable Anecdotes. —Colin Jost
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
"Apple announced the iPhone 6 today, which they say has a more durable screen that won't crack or scratch as easily. Or as your kids put it, 'Challenge accepted!' Apple promised less cracking. Then Toronto Mayor Rob Ford said, 'Hey, that's my campaign slogan.'" –Jimmy Fallon
Football started tonight with the Denver Broncos playing their first game since Peyton Manning retired. Trevor Siemian took his place and before kickoff, Peyton put his arm around Trevor's shoulder, looked into his eyes and said, "You know, starting today, you can get two medium Papa John's pizzas for $6." –Jimmy Fallon
"According to a new poll, Levi Johnston now has lower approval ratings than John Edwards. Levy said he is disappointed with his low approval ratings and will do everything he can to knock them up." –Jimmy Fallon
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
Bill Clinton said he watched all six Police Academy movies with his daughter Chelsea, which got awkward when Chelsea was like, “That wasn't me.” –James Corden
Stephen Hawking, Elon Musk, and Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak were a part of a group of scientists that issued a warning to all of humanity that recent breakthroughs in artificial intelligence will one day lead to killer robots. Just to be clear, when I say killer robots, I don't mean like "killer robots, dude." I mean robots that will kill you. –James Corden
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
The Russian presidential election was this weekend, and to get people to vote, Russian officials were offering prizes like Apple Watches. It sounds fun — until you open the box with your Apple Watch, and it’s still attached to a hand. --Jimmy Fallon
It just came out that Donald Trump’s secretary of state, Rex Tillerson, was on the toilet when he found out Trump fired him on Twitter. Then Trump said, “Wow, what a coincidence — I was on the toilet when I tweeted that.” That’s right, Tillerson was on the toilet when he was fired. Which explains why Jeff Sessions and Betsy DeVos haven’t used a bathroom in six months. --Jimmy Fallon
This weekend was St. Patrick’s Day! And of course, there was a big parade here in New York, and a lot of men were wearing kilts. It made the “manspreading” on the subway even worse than normal. --Jimmy Fallon
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
An Apple factory in China is expected to cut iPhones by 6 million in response to worker protests. Their main demand is more play time. —Michael Che
This week marks the 40th anniversary of the classic Michael Jackson album, Thriller. And say what you will about Michael Jackson, but he definitely had a huge effect on a lot of people’s childhoods. —Michael Che
Merriam-Webster announced that its word of the year is gaslighting. Gaslighting if you don’t know is a word my ex made up to magically win arguments she was losing. —Michael Che
A police officer in New York State is being called the Baby Whisperer after he helped deliver his fifth baby in nine years. ‘Only five babies in nine years?’, said Nick Cannon. —Michael Che
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
Robert Durst, the New York real estate heir, who murdered and dismembered his neighbor has died in prison. Durst will be remembered as New York’s fourth worst real estate heir. —Colin Jost
Google is claiming that Apple’s practice of using blue bubbles in their iMessage App to highlight other Apple users leads to peer pressure and bullying of Android users. While Apple says Android users could easily solve the problem by not being so dumb and poor. —Colin Jost
Prince Andrew who faces charges of sexual abuse has been stripped of his royal duties by Queen Elizabeth. It’s an unprecedented case of an adult stripping Prince Andrew. —Colin Jost
Republicans are being criticized for blocking the voting rights bill, but of course, republicans don’t want voting rights because if voting was fair they’d lose. It’s the same reason I keep my basketball hoop lowered to eight feet. Because with the help of a small ladder, I can dunk. —Colin Jost
But if there’s any silver lining to voter suppression is that we’ll never have to hear republicans try to appeal to black voters. Because no one wants to hear Ted Cruz say For Shizzel. —Colin Jost
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html
#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry
"It is day three of the government shutdown. Right now 33 percent of the government is doing absolutely nothing, which is not bad considering that before the shutdown 80 percent wasn't doing anything." –Jay Leno
"This shutdown is hurting everyone. Today Michelle Obama told fat kids: 'You're on your own. Eat a Happy Meal. I don't care.'" –Jay Leno
"According to a new report, experts in Pakistan say $25 million in cash is smuggled out of Pakistan every day, and less than 1 percent of Pakistanis pay any income tax at all. Here's the amazing part: Somehow their government hasn't shut down, but ours has." –Jay Leno
"Regarding the problems with starting Obamacare, President Obama said that Apple had some glitches with the iPhone but then they fixed them. Technically the president is correct, but you have to remember: Apple has geniuses working there. This is Washington. They don't have any geniuses." –Jay Leno
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night
of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”
"It's coming out that in high school, President Obama signed a girl's yearbook by calling her sweet and foxy. Of course, now he calls her Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano." –Conan O'Brien
"Pope Francis said that atheists are still eligible to go to heaven. To return the favor, atheists said Popes are still eligible to go into a void of nothingness." –Conan O'Brien
"A new international poll finds the least popular country in the world is Iran. After hearing this, North Korea said, 'What do we have to do?'" –Conan O'Brien
"During congressional hearings, Senator John McCain asked Apple CEO Tim Cook why the apps always need to be updated. McCain also wanted to know how often he should feed Siri." –Conan O'Brien
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night
of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”
"A new book coming out reveals that Florida Sen. Marco Rubio was born a Catholic, became a Mormon, then returned to the Catholic church, then became a Baptist, then again returned to the Catholic church. And I think he's at it again because he's now asking people to call him Marco Rubinstein." –Conan O'Brien
"A record number of people are naming their babies after Apple products. It's the perfect way to tell your newborn, 'We’re planning to replace you in 6 months.'" –Conan O'Brien
"McDonald's just announced that it's bringing back the McRib later this month. Or, as the Mayans put it, 'Hey, we tried to warn you.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Barbara Walters has released part of her 'Most Fascinating People' list. This year Hillary Clinton and Honey Boo Boo are both on it. That's right. The woman who may soon be president – and Hillary Clinton." –Jimmy Fallon
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night
of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”
“Newt Gingrich is trying to save his campaign by focusing only on areas where he has the most support. So he's mostly focusing on Georgia, Tennessee, and Cheesecake Factory.” –Conan O'Brien
“Mitt Romney is trying hard to connect with voters. He seems like he's too affluent. Romney was talking about his father's humble beginnings as a carpenter. He said, ‘I'll never forget the day my dad started building our fourth beach house.’” –Conan O’Brien
“I saw this picture online today. This is Arnold Schwarzenegger's personal photo. It's him and Sylvester Stallone in the hospital together. Hopefully he's in there getting a vasectomy.” –Jimmy Kimmel
“The truth is, Arnold Schwarzenegger asked Sylvester Stallone to be there in case Maria showed up with a scalpel.” –Jimmy Kimmel
“Apple is facing a $38 million fine in China because the word 'iPad' is trademarked by a Chinese company. Apple was nervous about owing money to China — but then Obama was like, ‘Ah, you get used to it.’” –Jimmy Fallon
“This Saturday is the drawing for one of the biggest Powerball jackpots in history, which means one lucky winner could be worth $300 million. Or as Mitt Romney calls that, ‘middle class.’” –Jimmy Fallon
http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html
“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic.
A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”
