Maybe a bit TOO easy — oh God, it's a trap, why is the door locked, help! (holding a sword and riding a lion)

We have some surprising news out of the White House. Because yesterday, Democrats proposed something to Donald Trump, and — you're not going to believe this — he actually agreed with them. Donald Trump went against his own party and sided with Democrats in a deal to raise the debt ceiling. And because it's Trump, the debt ceiling will not only be raised, it will also be covered in gold leaf. And feature a tasteless painting of Donald Trump holding a sword and riding a lion. –James Corden

Whatever you think of Trump's tweets this morning, they do have support in Congress. In fact, they were the first tweets that Ted Cruz liked this week that weren't porn videos. –James Corden

Trump was actually agreeing with the Democrats. They must have been suspicious of this. They must have been in the Oval Office, like, “This is easy. Maybe a bit TOO easy — oh God, it's a trap, why is the door locked, help!” –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Leaving us hanging like Trump tried to do with Mike Pence (Please Welcome Kanye West)

March 2023

“The grand jury in the case against Donald Trump is now on two-week hiatus and is leaving us hanging like Trump tried to do with Mike Pence. But that’s a different indictment, I think.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“One reason Trump’s case may never come to court is that America may cease to exist, as congressional Republicans refuse to raise the debt ceiling, risking a June 5th deadline to avoid ‘catastrophic default’. Now, I’m sure that’s not good, but at this point aren’t we all a little catastrophied out? If you want to grab our attention at this point, you’re going to have to do more. You’re going to need something scarier than catastrophic default, like gonorrhea-geddon or Please Welcome Kanye West.” —Stephen Colbert

“President Biden has proposed a budget, which has been met with crickets by the speaker of the House, Kevin McCarthy, who on Tuesday sent the president a ‘blame letter’ claiming ‘with each passing day, I am incredibly concerned that you are putting an already fragile economy in jeopardy.’ No you’re not. You know how I know you’re not concerned? Because you expressed your concern in the form of the slowest possible form of a communication, a letter. That’s like saying, ‘Oh no! The house is on fire. Quick, someone hire a barbershop quartet to tell the fire department!’” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It went so well, Biden let him pick a couple of classified documents out of a bowl (Bad news for China, it’s a girl)

February 2023

Earlier today, an American fighter jet shot down a suspected Chinese surveillance balloon that had been spotted crossing into the United States, officially ending history’s most complicated gender reveal party. Bad news for China, it’s a girl. —Colin Jost

Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy, seen here wanting to know if you or someone you love has been injured in a car accident, met in person with President Biden about the debt ceiling and said they had a good conversation. It went so well, Biden let him pick a couple of classified documents out of a bowl. —Colin Jost

Florida has proposed legislation that would allow residents to carry firearms without a permit. Also, everyone gets to do one murder. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

House resolution 302: Make Channing Tatum Wear a Shirt (anybody shout it out, no ideas are bad!)

February 2023

“We on the Late Show, honor the first day of Black History month, or as Ron DeSantis calls it, ‘month.’” —Stephen Colbert

“America’s debt ceiling, which some House Republicans are using to force major spending cuts on popular social programs such as social security and Medicare. It’s not clear why they would cut programs everybody loves the most. That seems … unpopular. Next up: House resolution 302: Make Channing Tatum Wear a Shirt.” —Stephen Colbert

“No longer committed to cutting social security of Medicaid, some House Republicans are still demanding spending cuts, but will no longer specify from where. So they’re holding us hostage, but they won’t tell us what the ransom is. It’s like a super-villain saying, ‘I will destroy Gotham with my heat ray, unless you give me … anybody shout it out, no ideas are bad!’” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He was gonna have a garage sale, but his garage is a crime scene, so it's just like — he can’t (store-brand uranium)

January 2023

“Ukrainian President Zelenskyy said that he isn't sure if Vladimir Putin is still alive. Right now, 20 Russian officials are sitting around a conference table like, ‘You poke him.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“And finally, a new study found that men who use Viagra are more likely to live longer. The worse part, Joe Biden is using the news to reassure everyone that he can serve another term.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Well, guys, today the U.S. hit the debt ceiling, which means the federal government can't borrow any more money. Right now the U.S. is $31 trillion in debt. The country's so strapped for cash, George Santos is e-mailing people pretending to be a Nigerian prince. Also to make some extra money, it’s now called the Gillette Mach3 Washington Monument.” —Jimmy Fallon

“But Republicans say they won't raise the debt ceiling unless there are drastic spending cuts. They even want us to switch our nukes to store-brand uranium. I mean, come on.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Today, Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen said extraordinary measures are being taken to keep the government's bills paid. Which explains why tonight Mitch McConnell started an OnlyFans.” —Jimmy Fallon

“That's right. Everyone wants to chip in. Today President Biden said he was gonna have a garage sale, but his garage is a crime scene, so it's just like — he can’t.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Let's come back in a million years (and out of force of habit, he unzipped his fly)

August 2013

"The state attorney general of New York is suing Donald Trump for $40 million, claiming that Donald Trump University is not a real university. The state claims it's not a real college because students get very little education and were unable to find jobs after they graduated. Sounds like a real college to me." –Jay Leno

"I guess the attorney general got suspicious it wasn't a real college when Donald took the senior class on a field trip to try and find President Obama's birth certificate." –Jay Leno

"The treasury secretary has now asked Congress to raise the debt limit for borrowing more money as soon as possible. The secretary of the treasury said if Congress doesn't act soon, the government will have to work with only the money it has now. You know, like the rest of us do." –Jay Leno

"Anthony Weiner was involved in a three-way car accident over the weekend. One embarrassing moment when someone took out their cell phone camera to take photos of the damage and out of force of habit, he unzipped his fly." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, he will be missed – not in those pants (remember to ask Santa for a functional economy)

October 2021

“Let me set the stage on the debt ceiling: Democrats are ready to vote to raise the debt ceiling. But Republicans are doing nothing to help, and plenty to hinder. To break the gridlock, Joe Biden has said he might revise the Senate’s filibuster rules to allow Democrats to raise the debt ceiling without Republican support. This should be a no-brainer. Just get rid of the filibuster. It’s an old rule historically used to preserve racist policies. It’s not in the constitution, and yet it’s blocking the United States’s ability to stay solvent. Keeping the filibuster would be like an EMT trying to defibrillate someone and going, ‘Here we go – oh, you know, I’d love to save his life but I can’t. He’s wearing white after Labor Day. Well, he will be missed – not in those pants.’” —Stephen Colbert

“Potentially changing the filibuster has the Senate minority leader, Mitch McConnell, shaking in his orthopedic wingtips. So on Wednesday, the Kentucky senator said Republicans would allow an extension of the federal debt ceiling into December. They’re willing to avoid blowing up the world’s financial system – until Christmastime. So, everyone, remember to ask Santa for a functional economy.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Man, can you believe we elected that guy? (Well, they were half right)

August 2011

"The stock market had its biggest one-day drop since 2008. Remember how the experts said we had to raise the debt ceiling or the market would crash? Well, they were half right." –Jimmy Kimmel

"It's President Obama's birthday. I can't believe it's been 50 years since his mother forged his birth certificate." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Today Michelle Obama urged her husband's supporters to sign an e-card for his 50th birthday. Which explains why Joe Biden has magic marker all over his computer screen." –Jimmy Fallon

"Fox News will host the next Republican primary debate on Aug. 11 in Iowa. Yeah, Fox News will ask some tough questions, like 'How much better are you than Obama,' 'Why is Obama such a bad president,' and 'Man, can you believe we elected that guy?" –Jimmy Fallon 

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

a super Congress consists of six congressmen from each party, plus Wolverine (Dances to Gaga)

August 2011

"The debt deal calls for the formation of a 'super Congress' to take on tougher decisions down the road. In case you're wondering, a super Congress consists of six congressmen from each party, plus Wolverine." –Conan O'Brien

"The world's 7 billionth person is expected to be born in India in October. He's also expected to look a lot like Arnold Schwarzenegger." –Conan O'Brien

"In Washington a Native American tribe has approved same-sex marriage. The move was led by the tribe's leader, Dances to Gaga." –Conan O'Brien

"Cher tweeted that Michele Bachmann needs to go back to school and take a history class. Michele Bachmann said, 'Because of that comment I'm going to make my husband take down his Cher posters.'" –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

a sugar-coated Satan sandwich (Cool! I made this)

August 2011

"We finally have a deal on the debt ceiling. But get this – Democratic Congressman Emanuel Cleaver is referring to the plan as a 'sugar-coated Satan sandwich.' Or as Americans put it, 'Sugar-coated? Yum – I'll take six, please!'' –Jimmy Fallon

"McDonald's is planning to open a restaurant every day in China for the next four years. It's nice — When kids get their Happy Meal toy, they're like, 'Cool! I made this.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"An ex-Louisiana governor just married a woman 51 years younger. Or as Hugh Hefner put it, 'Does she have a daughter?'" –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Everything they wanted is not enough ($4 trillion iTunes gift card)

August 2011

"Obama achieved the same kind of compromise with the Republicans that Custer reached with Sitting Bull." –David Letterman

"The Tea Party is not happy with the deal. Everything they wanted is not enough." –David Letterman

"The debt deal sets the debt limit until 2013. The best part is that it prevents another 'Smurfs' movie before 2014." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama says that for his birthday, he wants a deal on the national debt. In other news, Michelle Obama is at the Apple store trying to buy a $4 trillion iTunes gift card." –Conan O'Brien 

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

See what happens when the two parties put aside their principles and do what is best for them personally? (Yes we cave)

August 2011

"We finally have a debt deal. See what happens when the two parties put aside their principles and do what is best for them personally?" –Jay Leno

"It's what they call a 'two-step' deal. It steps on the middle class and the lower class." –Jay Leno 

"President Obama changed his slogan from 'Yes we can,' to 'Yes we cave.'" –Jay Leno 

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

One small fry for man, one giant Coke for his Big Mac (Unfortunately, the B stands for bake sale)

July 2011

"This debt crisis still isn't solved, but yesterday, the White House said it's working on a 'plan B.' Unfortunately, the B stands for 'bake sale.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Speaking of the debt crisis, I read that if the U.S. debt were stacked in $100 bills, it would be as long as two football fields and as high as the statue of liberty. You know, just in case $14 trillion didn't seem like a lot to you." –Jimmy Fallon

"NASA held a career fair this week to help former employees find new jobs now that the shuttle program is over. Which explains that guy at the drive-thru that was like, 'One small fry for man, one giant Coke for his Big Mac.'" –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

The Republicans won't even let Obama raise his age (Even some of his wives don't know)

July 2011

"I'm not saying this Congress is bad at its job. I'm just saying that this Congress is equivalent to a skunk with its head in a jar of Skippy peanut butter." –Jon Stewart

"My question to Congress, and, I think, a question many Americans may be sharing as of tonight, is this: do you want out of this relationship so bad, but don't have the balls to leave, so you've all decided to act like such giant a**holes you force us to break up with you? Because if so, just get the f**k out." –Jon Stewart

"President Obama may have to cancel his 50th birthday party because of the debt limit crisis. The Republicans won't even let Obama raise his age." –Conan O’Brien

"Experts say that because of the debt ceiling debate, America's credit rating could be seriously ruined. On the bright side, we were just approved for a Discover card." –Conan O'Brien

"According a new poll, less than half of Americans know that Mitt Romney is a Mormon. Even some of his wives don't know." –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

only 3 percent of them are proficient in math (a seat that will soon be repossessed)

July 2011

"Weather experts say that 1 million square miles of the U.S. are under a 'heat dome.' But don't worry — we have plenty of shade under our $14 trillion debt ceiling." –Jimmy Fallon

"House Speaker John Boehner invited new congressmen over for pizza last night. Unfortunately, the delivery guy left when they spent 10 hours fighting over a plan to pay for it." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new study found that only 20 percent of high school seniors are proficient in geography. Students weren't really bothered by that number because only 3 percent of them are proficient in math." –Jimmy Fallon

"Still no deal on the debt ceiling. Washington is keeping us on the edge of our seat – a seat that will soon be repossessed." –Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

So I guess traveling through Afghanistan isn't as safe as you thought (the national bulls**t ceiling)

July 2011

"A group of rare snow leopards has been discovered in a remote corner of Afghanistan. So I guess traveling through Afghanistan isn't as safe as you thought." –Jimmy Fallon

"Republicans are no longer allowed to say that people are rich. You have to refer to them as 'job creator'. You can't even use the word 'rich'. You have to say, 'This chocolate cake is so moist and job creator.'" –Jon Stewart

‎"If the conversation continues this way, we could very well hit the national bulls**t ceiling." –Daily Show correspondents Jason Jones, on the debt ceiling negotiations

"I say, if the founding fathers didn't want money in politics, why did they put their faces on our money?" –Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Trump Granddaughter and Casino (math, science, and penalty kicks)

July 2011

"Donald Trump has a new grandchild. Today, he demanded to see its birth certificate." –David Letterman

"Donald Trump's daughter Ivanka gave birth to a baby girl. The baby's name is 'Trump Granddaughter and Casino.'" –Conan O'Brien

"It was so hot in Washington that Congress had to install a fan on the debt ceiling." –Craig Ferguson

"The United States' soccer team lost to Japan, which means we're now losing to Japan in math, science, and penalty kicks." –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

How would you be able to tell? (apparently he had AT&T)

July 2011

"Democrats warned that if the debt ceiling isn't raised, the government would cease to function. How would you be able to tell?"  –Jay Leno

"You know what the scary part is? Not that the government will cease to function, that they think this is actually the government functioning. They think it is working well." –Jay Leno

"The government is warning that terrorists may try to blow up airplanes by implanting bombs under their skin. The airlines responded by saying they'll charge any terrorists that do this a $50 carry-on fee." –Jay Leno

"According to the New York Times, a cell phone found in Osama bin Laden's compound had phone numbers belonging to Pakistan's intelligence agencies. But authorities say it’s unlikely they ever spoke because apparently bin Laden had AT&T." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

if China calls, let it go to voicemail (Imagine if you will...)

"Congress has rejected raising the debt ceiling, so if China calls, let it go to voicemail." –Stephen Colbert

"Mitt Romney has announced he's running for president in 2012. At the same time, he's announced he'll try again in 2016." –Stephen Colbert

"From bin Laden's compound we now know Al Qaeda demanded that its agents keep complete records and receipts for all expenses. No doubt using Al Quicken. Also, Al Qaeda gave its agents better benefits than Wal-Mart, although at Wal-Mart you get to use your vests more than once." –Stephen Colbert

"The Republicans blocked the bill to raise the debt ceiling that was so devious it was actually introduced by Republicans. [Actual quote from Republican Congressman] "This vote, based on a bill I introduced, must fail." That reminds me of Patrick Henry's famous cry: "Give me liberty and I don't want liberty." And before the vote Republicans called Wall Street Executives to assure them the vote was just for show." –Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

But as a vulgar late night entertainer, I feel a certain amount of regret (and a guy named Vinnie the Fist)

"As an American, I am relieved that Donald Trump is not running for president. But as a vulgar late night entertainer, I feel a certain amount of regret." –Craig Ferguson

"Trump is out, and Mike Huckabee is out. At this point, the only person that could derail President Obama's re-election is Joe Biden." –Craig Ferguson 

"The U.S. has hit the debt ceiling. I think we should do what we always do when faced with a nightmarish problem: replace it with Ashton Kutcher." –Craig Ferguson

"After borrowing money for years, we hit the magic number: $14.3 trillion. It's the maximum amount the government is allowed to borrow. Our credit card is maxed out. Our creditors include the Chinese government, the Japanese government, and a guy named Vinnie the Fist." –Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”