Everything they wanted is not enough (Turns out many of them were guilty)

 

"The Tea Party is not happy with the deal. Everything they wanted is not enough." –David Letterman

"As governor of Texas, Rick Perry executed 236 people. Turns out many of them were guilty." –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney is going to be in London for the opening ceremonies of the Olympics, and he plans to take his tax returns and drop them into the torch." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

How can we make ourselves sound more like a male strip club? (They planet)

"The new 'Call of Duty: Black Ops' video game was released today, and it actually features General David Petraeus. So I guess it’s safe to assume the game has plenty of cheat codes." –Jimmy Fallon

"The country's largest Tea Party group is planning a cross-country bus tour to help elect Mitt Romney. Romney was like, 'Wow, that's great. What is a bus?'" –Jimmy Fallon

I read that Toys"R"Us may be relaunching as a new store, called "Geoffrey's Toy Box." I guess executives were like, "How can we make ourselves sound more like a male strip club?" --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

they sit around the campfire and tell scary stories about taxing the top 2% (Apparently, she has never celebrated Halloween in San Francisco)

"A Tea Party group has a summer camp for kids, the only one where they sit around the campfire and tell scary stories about taxing the top 2%." –Conan O'Brien

"Rep. Michele Bachmann once said that gay people lead a very sad life. Apparently, she has never celebrated Halloween in San Francisco." –Conan O'Brien

"A new study shows that only 35 percent of fourth-graders know the purpose of the Declaration of Independence. When she heard this, Sarah Palin said, 'How are they supposed to know about something that happened 20 years ago.'" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The book will be divided into the two chapters, 'Heads' and 'Tails.' (Sound familiar?)

"Record ratings for the Oscars last night. Kathryn Bigelow won best director for her film about the Iraq war. But in her speech, she forgot to thank the two people without whom this film could never have been made — Bush and Cheney." –Jay Leno

"Tea Party candidate Michele Bachmann said the Revolutionary War started in New Hampshire when it really started in Massachusetts. Interesting that a woman who believes so strongly in states rights can't get her states right." –Jay Leno

"Former President Bush announced today he is writing a book on how he made decisions while in the White House. The book will be divided into the two chapters, 'Heads' and 'Tails.'" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He didn’t even put his name on the check he sent Stormy Daniels (you’d think he’d just done a sit-up)

“Why on earth would Trump’s name be on the stimulus checks? They’re not from him. It’s not his money. He didn’t even put his name on the check he sent Stormy Daniels.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“During the coronavirus briefing Trump was almost foaming at the mouth. He was huffing and puffing so much, you’d think he’d just done a sit-up.” —Jimmy Kimmel

"Trump is doing well in the polls. He's in second place among Republican voters. Among Tea Partiers, he's in first place. Although to be fair, in the Tea Party poll, Chuck Norris is in second place and third place is an AK-47." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I think the message to Republicans was clear: get off me (too ignorant for Alabama)

"In Alabama, the Tea Party candidate named Dean Young, who wanted to impeach Obama and compared gay people to animals, he lost to a potty-trained Republican. Boy, that is something for your resume – Dean Young: too ignorant for Alabama." –Bill Maher

"Obama won single women by 38 percent. I think the message to Republicans was clear: get off me." –Bill Maher

"Today 47 million of the poorest Americans had their food stamp benefits way reduced. This is the same day we launched our new stealth destroyer, the $3 billion USS Zumwalt. This is a ship that is nearly invisible, unlike the poor, who are completely invisible. I say if we're going to make ships that are invisible, why build them at all? Why not just tell the Iranians they're there?" –Bill Maher

“Everyone is asking how this storm is going to affect the election. I think it’s given Obama momentum because of how he handled it. He approached it so differently than Bush; he showed up." –Bill Maher on Hurricane Sandy

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

When someone asks me my political views (Both Sides)

"Under the bill they voted for, states now have to require food stamp recipients to be drug-tested and work at least 20 hours a week – the same thing I was going to suggest for congressional Republicans." –Bill Maher

"The part of the debate I thought was most telling was when Mitt Romney claimed that Obama did not call the Benghazi attack in September an act of terror until two weeks later. And then Obama said, 'Check the transcript.' And then Candy Crowley, the moderator, came in and said, 'Yes, I was there, it's true, he did call it that.' Well, Fox News was pissed off about this. They said, 'We have seen a lot of low-down dirty debate tricks, but introducing facts!' And Mitt Romney was furious. He was so mad at Candy Crowley, he took her right out of his lady binder." –Bill Maher

"Mitt Romney went on live with Kelly and Michael and tried to answer these hardball questions. He was asked what he wears to bed. He said, 'as little as possible." Wow, there's a switch, Romney giving too much information." –Bill Maher

"Today Republican Joe Walsh, the *****bag congressman from Illinois said abortion to save the life of a mother, that's just an excuse. He said modern technology and science make it so you cannot find one instance where there's dying in childbirth. Ladies, before Election Day comes, ask your doctor if the Tea Party is right for you." -Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It is very expensive to be poor (the ultimate beer goggles)

"Yesterday John Boehner led a group of 20 Republicans to see President Obama. Unfortunately when they got to the White House, the president was still black." –Bill Maher

"This NBC News poll has Republicans freaking out. They're having what they call now a 'boomerang effect.' Whatever Republicans were going against, Big Government and Obamacare, now is more popular than ever. I love the Tea Party, they are the ultimate beer goggles, they make everyone look better." –Bill Maher

"A lot of Republicans are blaming Obama for all of this unrest in the Middle East. Right, you know what, if we were attacked in Egypt, Libya, and Yemen, George Bush would know what to do. Invade Iraq." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And if that sounds like a good excuse to you, try it on your girlfriend (the nation's largest ever gathering of misspelled signs)

"Mitt Romney on Tuesday once again tried to distance himself from his infamous 47 percent comments, saying, 'the words that came out were not what I meant.' And if that sounds like a good excuse to you, try it on your girlfriend." –Seth Meyers

"The tea party nation announced last week that Sarah Palin will headline what is being called the first national tea party convention in February. It is expected to be the nation's largest ever gathering of misspelled signs." –Seth Meyers

Republican presidential hopeful Chris Christie said this weekend that he would rather jump off the Brooklyn Bridge than be in Congress. And just to be safe, Mayor de Blasio issued a tsunami warning for Lower Manhattan. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You're like 'Seinfeld' if there were 30 Kramers (The language of the oppressor)

"Loser: John Boehner. I feel sorry for you buddy. It's exhausting watching you try to maintain your dignity wrangling those Tea Party maniacs. You're like 'Seinfeld' if there were 30 Kramers." -Seth Meyers

"Loser: GOP. A new Fox News poll shows that disapproval of the Republican Party during the shutdown has jumped to 59 percent. And that's a Fox News poll. Talk about getting booed on your home field. By the way, if Fox News says it's 59 percent, that's like the real news saying it's 3,000 percent." -Seth Meyers

"Texas Sen. Ted Cruz gave a 21-hour speech on the floor of the Senate during which he read Dr. Seuss' 'Green Eggs and Ham,' did an impression of Darth Vader, and admitted his love for White Castle. I'm not sure what Cruz's speech was arguing for, but I'm guessing legalizing weed." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Put your baby back on the phone (Thanks Daylight Savings)

"With the Olympic Committee, it came down to one simple question -- where do you want to go to spend your summer vacation? The land where super models invented the bikini wax? Or the land where fat guys invented deep dish pizza?" --Bill Maher

"Conservatives say the Nobel Prize represents everything they stand against: black people, foreigners, and peace." --Bill Maher

"The Senate passed a bill to keep the government running, but of course the teabaggers are still insisting on defunding Obamacare or they will blow the whole place up. Why are we asking them again? It's like saying to someone, 'Put your baby back on the phone.'" –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's the same way she explained it to President Bush. Almost verbatim. (The stupid, it burns!)

"A JetBlue flight attendant cursed out passengers, grabbed two beers, slid down the chute and took off. The pilots were furious. Those were their last two beers." –Jay Leno

"'Rise of the Planet of the Apes made $54 million this weekend. It's about small-brained creatures who rise up and take over the Earth. First they form political groups called Tea Parties." –Jay Leno

"And former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice told a group of fourth graders that the Bush Administration never used torture to interrogate terrorist suspects. Condoleezza spoke to the fourth graders using simple, uncomplicated words that they could easily understand. Same way she explained it to President Bush. Almost verbatim." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Do you really want a priest showing up for the last rites with a date? (Real Housewives of the Vatican)

"People love the new Pope, but I think it's safe to say he's gone crazy. Now he's thinking about doing away with celibacy for priests. Are you like me? Are you thinking 'Real Housewives of the Vatican?'" –David Letterman

"I don't know if this is a good idea or not. Do you really want a priest showing up for the last rites with a date?" –David Letterman

"Jeb Bush may run for President. Bush Presidencies are like 'Caddyshack' movies. They should have stopped with one." –David Letterman

"It's so hot in New York City that conservatives have started the 'Iced Tea Party.'" –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Republicans love it because it just sits there and does nothing (a lot of them had to cancel their Civil War Reenactments)

"The whole Congress has to stay there for the whole weekend. The Tea Party Republicans are especially pi**ed off at this — a lot of them had to cancel their Civil War Reenactments." –Bill Maher

"Some jackass vandalized the Lincoln Memorial. Who hates the Lincoln Memorial? Democrats love it because it honors the man who freed the slaves. And Republicans love it because it just sits there and does nothing." –Bill Maher

"One of the leading Tea Partiers, Congressman Joe Walsh, he famously went on YouTube and wagged his finger at Obama and said, 'Have you no shame, Mr. President?' It turns out he is $117,000 delinquent in his child support. Have you no sense of irony, Mr. Congressman? He had an excuse. He said his kids don't have a child support problem; they have a spending problem." –Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Great, now what am I gonna call Don Jr. and Eric? (he made sure to choose his emoji's very carefully)

"Speaking of Romney, I read that his campaign has raised $10 million in California over the last two days. One million was from a fundraiser while $9 million was from Romney checking a pocket in some old khakis." –Jimmy Fallon

"Mitt Romney will travel to London where he will attend the Olympics opening ceremony. Of course it's going to be weird when they're announcing all the countries, and he's like 'Got a bank account there, got one there, two bank accounts there." –Jimmy Fallon

"The country's largest Tea Party group is planning a cross-country bus tour to help elect Mitt Romney. Romney was like, 'Wow, that's great. What is a bus?'" –Jimmy Fallon

Some big political news. Today President Trump went on Twitter and announced that he is banning transgender people from serving in the military. Trump said he understands this is a very sensitive issue, so he made sure to choose his emoji's very carefully. –Jimmy Fallon

And we’re still getting to know Trump’s new communications director, Anthony Scaramucci. I saw that his friends like to call him “the Mooch.” When Trump heard, he was like, “Great, now what am I gonna call Don Jr. and Eric?” –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Virginia is for lovers who habla ingles (The REAL election winners)

June 2014

"Hillary Clinton said she may not run for president because she loves having time to hang out with her friends. Thankfully, most of her friends live in Iowa, New Hampshire, Ohio, Florida, and the great state of Pennsylvania." –Seth Meyers

"For the second day in a row, President Obama made an unscheduled trip out of the White House, this time for a burger at a nearby restaurant. Obama wants to be OUT of the White House more than Hillary wants to be IN it. Well, almost." –Jimmy Fallon

"A Tea Party candidate won Virginia's Republican primary, mostly on his anti-immigration stance. His first plan is to change the state's slogan from 'Virginia is for lovers' to 'Virginia is for lovers who habla ingles.'" –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They say this is a slippery slope to dental care (But freedom is dead)

"Sarah Palin said, 'Obama lies, freedom dies.' And then she and Todd got on their snowmobile, road across the tundra, shooting anything they want with a machine gun.' But freedom is dead." –Bill Maher

"The Tea Party is furious that Obamacare became the law of the land. They say this is a slippery slope to dental care." –Bill Maher

"This is who the Democrats brought out last night -- James Bond was there, Leo DiCaprio, Diane Keaton, Steven Spielberg. Now, not to be outdone, this was who John McCain was campaigning with last week -- Wilford Brimley, the Quaker Oats dude. They are a little celebrity challenged. John McCain must have said to his staff, 'Find me someone who makes me look young. Make up a short list of people who are older than me.' And they said, 'Sir, that is a short list. Joan Rivers doesn't want to do it, and we're not sure if Abe Vigoda is dead.'" --Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Apparently, she has never celebrated Halloween in San Francisco (The first rule of Orgy Club is...)

"Tough times all over. Amusement park company Six Flags is filing for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. Experts say it's due in large part to their money-losing ride, Chrysler Mountain." --Conan O'Brien

"Rep. Michele Bachmann once said that gay people lead a very sad life. Apparently, she has never celebrated Halloween in San Francisco." –Conan O'Brien

"It's been reported Marvel Comics is getting set to bring back Captain America. They're going to do this as soon as they get a loan from Captain China." --Conan O'Brien

"A Tea Party group has a summer camp for kids, the only one where they sit around the campfire and tell scary stories about taxing the top 2%." –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He didn’t even put his name on the check he sent Stormy Daniels (How 'Bout some help here?)

"Donald Trump is doing well in the polls. He's in second place among Republican voters. Among Tea Partiers, he's in first place. Although to be fair, in the Tea Party poll, Chuck Norris is in second place and third place is an AK-47." –Jimmy Kimmel

“Why on earth would Trump’s name be on the stimulus checks? They’re not from him. It’s not his money. He didn’t even put his name on the check he sent Stormy Daniels.” — Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump had a bit of a stumble yesterday. He was giving a speech in Buffalo and accidentally referred to the devastating terrorist attacks of 7/11 instead of 9/11. Of course, who can forget that fateful day when the Coke-flavored Slurpee machine broke and we were forced to settle for that blue raspberry stuff. –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Shut up, we need this! (Friend of yours?)

The world’s most expensive Lego brick, made out of 14 karat gold, just sold online for $15,000. The new owner says he’s pleased to add it to his collection and it just got vacuumed up by his mom. –Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump went on a tour of the African American Museum with Ben Carson. Things got awkward at each exhibit, when Trump would turn to Carson and say, “Friend of yours?” –Jimmy Fallon

"On Saturday, Sarah Palin looked at notes written on her hand during a speech at the Tea Party Convention in Tennessee. Isn't that wild? Oddly enough, she was reading, 'Hi, I'm Sarah Palin.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Well, you guys, McDonald's shamrock shake is back. Some people said, "Eh, it's a little early." While Americans are like, "Shut up, we need this!" --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”