Trust me, if that lady could kill, I would not be alive (In other words, Utah is never getting a major league baseball team)

Donald Trump is floating another conspiracy theory which suggests that Hillary Clinton is a murderer. Today Bill Clinton said, "Trust me, if that lady could kill, I would not be alive." –Conan O’Brien

"A new law in Utah makes it illegal for a person to publicly touch their own g**itals. In other words, Utah is never getting a major league baseball team." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Insanely Unrelatable Anecdotes (Where does it end with you people?)

After new polls show Donald Trump leading Joe Biden, democratic strategists are calling Biden’s re-election campaign a five-alarm fire., which is scary for Biden because in a fire, you have to use the stairs. —Colin Jost

FTX founder Sam Bankman-Fried has been convicted of securities fraud, wire fraud, and illegally making a wig out of a Labradoodle. The former crypto-currency CEO now faces up to 110 years in prison where ironically, he will be used as an alternative currency. —Colin Jost

In a new interview, Barbara Streisand said that she didn’t like the way Siri pronounced her name, so she called Apple CEO Tim Cook and told him to change it. Read more about it in this months issue of Insanely Unrelatable Anecdotes. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

That money will now be used to make sure the cameras outside his jail cell aren’t working (Which is perfect because they already have the flags)

December 2022

Sam Bankman-Fried was arrested on fraud charges in the Bahamas. Prosecutors allege that Bankman-Fried took funds from FTX customers to make large political donations. That money will now be used to make sure the cameras outside his jail cell aren’t working. —Michael Che

Georgia representative, Marjorie Taylor Greene, who let’s face it, is absolutely my type, complained that people can by butt plugs at Target and that they melt and are shaped like Santa. —Michael Che

Republican insiders are concerned that a rivalry between Donald Trump and Ron DeSantis could lead to a civil war within the party. Which is perfect because they already have the flags. —Michael Che

A man who made aviation history by parachuting out of a hot air ballon 20 miles above the earth has died at the age of 94 when he finally hit the ground. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He looks like he was thrown naked into a Goodwill and given 90 seconds to get dressed (Y’all killed your own voters!)

“The billion-dollar collapse of the crypto exchange FTX on Wednesday evening, followed the arrest of founder and CEO Sam Bankman-Fried in the Bahamas on Monday. Bankman-Fried, also known as SBF, a guy who looks the way Cheeto dust smells, is charged with defrauding customers out of billions of dollars in a massive years-long fraud. Oh, are billions of dollars missing? Have you checked the fanny pack where his weed dealer keeps all his tips? I can’t believe this guy thought he could hide out in the Bahamas. Usually when you think of international fugitive, you imagine a stylish jewel thief, not a guy in a T-shirt that clearly came out of a cannon at a basketball game. Dude was supposed to be a billionaire but he looks like he was thrown naked into a Goodwill and given 90 seconds to get dressed.” —Seth Meyers

“In a recent poll Ron DeSantis is leading over Donald Trump. So to take full command of the GOP, all Ron DeSantis has to do is reel in the coveted conservative demographic of angry conspiracy QAnon all-meat diet tan your testicle boys. And the Florida governor’s opening offer to that crowd was calling for a grand jury investigation of Covid vaccines. You stupid mother-Pfizer. You want an investigation? Let me save you some time and money: in the US alone, the Covid vaccines have saved more than 3 million lives and helped prevent 18.5 million hospitalizations. And because idiots in your party politicized the vaccine, almost twice as many Republicans died from Covid before the midterms than the Democrats. Y’all killed your own voters!” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Proud Parent of an Honor Student and I’m an Arsonist (Don’t get your annual checkup from Dr. Guy Death-Kauser?)

December 2022

“Speaking of criminals, Sam Bankman-Fried, the former CEO of crypto exchange FTX, who was arrested on Monday in the Bahamas on several fraud charges following FTX’s stunning collapse. What has this world come to, where you can’t trust the guy selling imaginary computer coins whose name is almost exactly Bankman-Fraud. What’s next? Don’t get your annual checkup from Dr. Guy Death-Kauser?” —Stephen Colbert

“Prosecutors revealed an eight-charge indictment ranging from wire fraud to money laundering to conspiracy to commit fraud on the US. Bankman-Fried faces up to 115 years in prison, because this allegedly guilty guy is allegedly very guilty, allegedly. How allegedly guilty is he, allegedly? For one, FTX’s inner circle had a secret chat group chat called ‘Wirefraud’. That’s a weirdly bald confession. That’s like getting a bumper sticker that says ‘Proud Parent of an Honor Student and I’m an Arsonist’.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”