So ladies: He’s single! (those ankles are totally airbrushed)

On Friday, a 112-year-old man was given the Guinness World Record for being the world's oldest living man. When asked how he achieved the record, the man said, “I jumped out and scared my older brother.” –Jimmy Fallon

Anthony Weiner’s wife, Huma Abedin, has decided to finally separate from him after his latest sexting scandal. So ladies: He’s single! –Jimmy Fallon

"Al Qaeda has launched its own women's magazine. I bought a copy, and I tell you right now, those ankles are totally airbrushed." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm not opening that (What is start drinking at noon?)

"It's been a rough week for Anthony Weiner. His campaign manager in the race for mayor just quit because of Weiner's newest scandal. And it's tough finding a replacement because every time he emails someone, they're like, 'I'm not opening that.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Alex Trebek is hinting that he might retire from “Jeopardy!” in 2020. When asked what he’ll do in retirement, Trebek said, “What is start drinking at noon?” --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The only person I would trust less with this technology is Anthony Weiner (counting/sarcasm)

The bad news is, starting Jan. 20, Donald Trump can send unlockable mass text messages to the entire nation. Yes, President Trump will be able to send text messages to every phone in the nation. The only person I would trust less with this technology is Anthony Weiner. –Stephen Colbert

"Folks, I'm no fan of 'Sesame Street.' They expose our children to dangerous liberal ideas like befriending the homeless, two men sleeping in the same bedroom and counting." –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He's already there, it's called Congress (and five senators fell out)

"A vacancy on the Supreme Court. This is something we haven't seen in awhile. Let's just hope the president is better at picking a justice than the justices were at picking a president." --Jay Leno

"Congressman Anthony Weiner has just checked himself into a treatment centre for people battling chronic sexual dysfunction. Checked in? He's already there, it's called Congress." –Jay Leno  6/13/2011

"Last week, President Obama gave a speech in New York City about his plan to reform these rules on Wall Street, you know? And one embarrassing moment. When the head of Goldman Sachs was going through security, he was asked to empty his pockets and five senators fell out." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Lobbyists who used to just lease a congressman are now buying (At least we hope that was his middle finger)

It's a bullish market. Lobbyists who used to just lease a congressman are now buying. --Bill Maher

"Today 47 million of the poorest Americans had their food stamp benefits way reduced. This is the same day we launched our new stealth destroyer, the $3 billion USS Zumwalt. This is a ship that is nearly invisible, unlike the poor, who are completely invisible. I say if we're going to make ships that are invisible, why build them at all? Why not just tell the Iranians they're there?" –Bill Maher

"Anthony Weiner did not really exit in a very classy way. After his concession speech, as he was leaving, the press was taunting him, and they got a picture through the window of the car of him holding up his middle finger. At least we hope that was his middle finger." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And they can keep a secret when I ask them to bathe me in a car wash (I'll take two)

Illinois Governor JB Pritzker said illegal migrants are our neighbors and friends. He followed up by saying, “And they can keep a secret when I ask them to bathe me in a car wash.” —Greg Gutfeld

Earlier today, Apple CEO Tim Cook introduced the new iPhone 17. 17? I'll take two, said Anthony Weiner. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What you hope for vs What they mean (It was just maintenance neglect)

"Congressman Anthony Weiner has just checked himself into a treatment centre for people battling chronic sexual dysfunction. Checked in? He's already there, it's called Congress." –Jay Leno  6/13/2011

"Southwest Airlines said that the hole that ripped through the fuselage of one of their airplanes was not terrorism-related. Thank goodness! It was just maintenance neglect." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He let everyone know via Amber alert (1.42 billion wings)

Former New York congressman and convicted sex offender Anthony Weiner is considering a run for city council. He let everyone know via Amber alert. —Greg Gutfeld

Michigan State Representative, Laurie Pohutsky said in order to protest Trump's victory that she sterilized herself so she can’t have kids. Also keeping her sterile, every man’s eyes. —Greg Gutfeld

According to to the National Chicken Council, Americans will eat 1.42 billion wings while watching the Super Bowl. 1.5 billion if you count JB Pritzker. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Never forget what you're fighting for! (Well, well, well, look who we have here!)

"It's been a rough week for Anthony Weiner. His campaign manager in the race for mayor just quit because of Weiner's newest scandal. And it's tough finding a replacement because every time he emails someone, they're like, 'I'm not opening that.'" –Jimmy Fallon

New research finds that people who are bullies are more likely to get plastic surgery. Unfortunately, the nerds they bullied are more likely to be plastic surgeons. “Well, well, well, look who we have here!” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Checked in? He's already there, it's called Congress (So, you see why he’s not on the Intelligence Committee)

“No, this is true; I guess Mitt Romney’s staff played a practical joke on him yesterday. They sent him out to give a speech in a room that was completely empty. He got there and the room was completely empty. Oddly enough, the audience reaction was the same as if the room had been completely full.” –Jay Leno

"Congressman Anthony Weiner has just checked himself into a treatment center for people battling chronic sexual dysfunction. Checked in? He's already there, it's called Congress." –Jay Leno  6/13/2011

"Republican Congressman Tom Marino, who is on the Foreign Affairs Committee, said: 'If we go into Libya, where does it stop? Do we go into Africa next?' So, you see why he’s not on the Intelligence Committee." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

ISIS, do you really want to mess with this? (At least we hope that was his middle finger)

"The leader in this movement to defund Obamacare is Ted Cruz, the senator from Texas. He said, 'I will do anything and everything possible to defund Obamacare.' Really, how about lighting yourself on fire?" –Bill Maher

"Apparently it got very gnarly. The Palins, the whole family, showed up in a stretch hummer at this party and saw a guy who had broken up with Willow, and they all wanted to fight him. Bristol threw punches. Willow wailed on this guy. Todd had a bloody nose. Sarah was screaming, 'Don't you know who I am?!' And Track tore off his shirt and was walking down the street giving everyone the finger. I have only one thing to say about this: 'ISIS, do you really want to mess with this?'" –Bill Maher

"Anthony Weiner did not really exit in a very classy way. After his concession speech, as he was leaving, the press was taunting him, and they got a picture through the window of the car of him holding up his middle finger. At least we hope that was his middle finger." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Yeah, I’ve already got one of those. It’s called God (Horneytown)

Anthony Weiner’s wife, Huma Abedin, has decided to finally separate from him after his latest sexting scandal. So ladies: He’s single! –Jimmy Fallon

Mark Zuckerberg actually gave the Pope a drone. The Pope was like, “You mean it hovers above us and sees everything? Yeah, I’ve already got one of those. It’s called God.” –Jimmy Fallon

In an interview with CNN last night, Ted Cruz was asked about being Donald Trump's vice president and said, quote, "I have zero interest whatsoever." Which is also what Cruz's friends say when he invites them to dinner. “You could’ve just said no!” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm not opening that/What is start drinking at noon?/Unless you ask me two more times

"It's been a rough week for Anthony Weiner. His campaign manager in the race for mayor just quit because of Weiner's newest scandal. And it's tough finding a replacement because every time he emails someone, they're like, 'I'm not opening that.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Alex Trebek is hinting that he might retire from “Jeopardy!” in 2020. When asked what he’ll do in retirement, Trebek said, “What is start drinking at noon?” --Jimmy Fallon

Michael Keaton said in a recent interview that it's very unlikely they'll be doing a Beetlejuice sequel. Then he said, "Unless you ask me two more times." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Or, as we call that here in Los Angeles, the circle of life (Think Creepy)

At this point, it appears the Republican healthcare plan is going to die on the floor of the House. Coincidentally, dying on the floor of the house happens to be the Republican healthcare plan. –Conan O’Brien

"The women who Anthony Weiner communicated with were a college student, a single mom, a blackjack dealer, and a porn star. Or, as we call that here in Los Angeles, the circle of life." –Conan O'Brien  6/9/2011

Apple is reportedly considering a device to put in women’s bodies that tracks their menstrual cycles. It’s part of Apple’s new slogan, “Think Creepy.” –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He has asked for privacy and also the Wi-Fi password (Hey, this is MUCH better!)

Governor Chris Christie said in an interview yesterday that New Jersey would not accept Syrian refugees. Which is too bad, because Syrian refugees would be the first people ever to arrive in New Jersey and say, “Hey, this is MUCH better!” –Seth Meyers

Former Congressman Anthony Weiner has reportedly checked into rehab for sex addiction after his numerous sexting scandals. Weiner has asked for privacy and also the Wi-Fi password. –Seth Meyers

After past accusations of racism, attorney general nominee Senator Jeff Sessions said today, “I abhor the Klan and its hateful ideology.” Though he refused to answer the follow-up question, “Ku Klux or Wu Tang?” –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So, you see why he’s not on the Intelligence Committee (See, crime does pay)

"Republican Congressman Tom Marino, who is on the Foreign Affairs Committee, said: 'If we go into Libya, where does it stop? Do we go into Africa next?' So, you see why he’s not on the Intelligence Committee." –Jay Leno

"Congressman Anthony Weiner has just checked himself into a treatment center for people battling chronic sexual dysfunction. Checked in? He's already there, it's called Congress." –Jay Leno  6/13/2011

"There are 249 millionaires in Congress. See, crime does pay." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Have you ever tried squeaking by on $27,000 a day? (At least we hope that was his middle finger)

"A lot of Republicans are blaming Obama for all of this unrest in the Middle East. Right, you know what, if we were attacked in Egypt, Libya, and Yemen, George Bush would know what to do. Invade Iraq." –Bill Maher

"The leader in this movement to defund Obamacare is Ted Cruz, the senator from Texas. He said, 'I will do anything and everything possible to defund Obamacare.' Really, how about lighting yourself on fire?" –Bill Maher

"Why is everything so off limits with Mitt Romney? We can't ask him about his taxes, we can't ask him about Bain Capital, his business for 25 years, we can't ask him about his religion. How can a guy who is such a boring cypher have so many secrets? It’s like waterboarding Ryan Seacrest." –Bill Maher

"Anthony Weiner did not really exit in a very classy way. After his concession speech, as he was leaving, the press was taunting him, and they got a picture through the window of the car of him holding up his middle finger. At least we hope that was his middle finger." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Confused liberals thinking I'm a republican (I'm not opening that)

"It's been a rough week for Anthony Weiner. His campaign manager in the race for mayor just quit because of Weiner's newest scandal. And it's tough finding a replacement because every time he emails someone, they're like, 'I'm not opening that.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"North Korea has opened a summer camp where kids from around the world can swim, play volleyball, and learn about the country's culture. It's the first camp in history where kids tell ghost stories to feel safer." –Jimmy Fallon

"Rush Limbaugh accused President Obama of trying to inflict as much damage as possible in four years. And then Rush Limbaugh's chair accused him of doing the same thing." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

10,000 monologue jokes (I Am National Nurses United)

February 2014

"We’ve done over 10,000 monologue jokes over the last five years. And in case you missed any of them, the best way I could summarize those jokes is that Joe Biden needed Obamacare after Anthony Weiner texted Justin Bieber a picture of Chris Christie dating a Kardashian on the Jersey Shore – with Rob Ford." –Jimmy Fallon

"Organizers for the Sochi Olympics have had trouble filling seats for the biathlon. This is because Vladimir Putin is warning people away from any event containing 'bi.'" –Conan O'Brien 

"There are rumors that the Russian government placed cameras in the hotel bathrooms in Sochi. Russia said, 'Don't worry, our cameras don't work either.'" –Conan O'Brien 

"Today at the Winter Olympics, temperatures reached almost up to 60 degrees. In other words, the only thing higher than the temperature were the U.S. snowboarders." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He sent me a photo of his p*nis looking sad (and all the ingredients for meth)

February 2014

"In their hotel at the Sochi Olympics, the Canadian hockey team has to squeeze three players to a room. Even the bobsledders are like, 'Isn't it a little cramped?' When you scare off all the gay people, interior design goes to hell." –Jimmy Kimmel 

"CVS is no longer selling cigarettes. They say, 'It's the right thing to do for our customers and our company in their path for better health.' I go to CVS all the time. If they want to promote better health, maybe they should stop selling Cheese Whiz, Circus Peanuts, Little Debbie jelly rolls and all the ingredients for meth." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I don't like goodbyes. NBC does. Well, tonight is our last show for real. See, I don't need to get fired three times. I get the hint." –Jay Leno

"I got to tell you, the outpouring from people. It's really been touching. Today Anthony Weiner sent me a photo of his penis looking sad." –Jay Leno

"And the worst thing about losing this job, I'm no longer covered by NBC. I have to sign up for Obamacare." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry