For the last time, my name is Pete Buttigieg (it wasn’t the kind of tree lighting he was used to)

December 2021

“Well, guys, tonight in Washington, D.C., President Biden attended the 99th annual national Christmas tree lighting. The event was hosted by LL Cool J. Originally Snoop was supposed to host, but he canceled once he found out it wasn’t the kind of tree lighting he was used to.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“And this was special — a real-life Elf on the Shelf made an appearance. Yeah, he got up and said, ‘For the last time, my name is Pete Buttigieg.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Then organizers said, ‘Sorry, here’s the real Elf on the Shelf,’ and then he got up and said, ‘I’m sorry, for the last time, my name is Dr. Fauci.’” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They have so much in common: When it gets cold, they both fly south (he was signed by the Green Bay Packers)

November 2021

Ted Cruz claims that Big Bird was spreading ‘government propaganda for your 5-year-old’ about getting your children vaccinated against Covid. I’m surprised Cruz is at odds with Big Bird here. They have so much in common: When it gets cold, they both fly south.” —Stephen Colbert

“Ted Cruz has it in for ‘Sesame Street’ because he’s constantly getting mistaken for the Count.” —James Corden

“I have to admit it’s a tough one. I mean, who are you siding with, the beloved and iconic children’s character widely celebrated over a half a century by people of all ages and backgrounds from all parts of the world, or a widely disliked wannabe werewolf with the charm of a serial killer and the voice of a dying barn owl who was once called ‘Lucifer in the flesh’ by one of his fellow Republicans after another fellow Republican joked he was so unpopular you could murder him and get away with it.” —Seth Meyers

“It’s a big day, actually, for Big Bird because immediately after getting vaccinated, he was signed by the Green Bay Packers.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The party has gone from ‘Yes We Can’ to ‘Wait, We Did?!’ (FREE BONER PILLS FOR LIFE!)

November 2021

“Congress passed President Biden’s $1.2 Trillion infrastructure bill. They did one thing! After months of dragging their feet, I think we’re all shocked that the Democrats got this done. The party has gone from ‘Yes We Can’ to ‘Wait, We Did?!’” —Stephen Colbert

“It also includes $47 Billion to withstand the devastating impacts of climate change. OK that’s good. You know what would’ve been better? Billions of dollars to prevent the devastating impacts of climate change. This is the equivalent to showing up to a car crash and handing out seat belts.” —Stephen Colbert

“It appears that Trump’s personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani did not review debunked election fraud claims before broadcasting them to the general public in 2020. In a taped deposition, it’s not my job in a fast-moving case to go out and investigate every piece of evidence that’s given to me. No, of course not, that’s what lawyers are for. As everyone knows, you’re just the events coordinator for a landscaping company.” —Seth Meyers

“Sweet Rudy, that is your job! Or at least, it’s supposed to be your job – although in fairness, Rudy looks less like a guy who would investigate a crime and more like the guy sitting on a park bench who just tells the cops what they’re doing is wrong.” —Seth Meyers

“You really don’t think it’s your job to verify information before you announce it to the world? Is this how you operated when you were mayor? (imitating Giuliani’s New York accent): ‘Thank you for coming to this press conference everyone, I have huge news for the city of New York: today I received an email with the subject line FWD: FWD: FWD: FREE BONER PILLS FOR LIFE! And that’s not just for me, it’s for life for the entire city.’” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Yeah, yeah, I’m wearing protection (I’ve decided to cover myself in Manuca honey)

November 2021

“Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers apparently was trying to hide his unvaccinated status, revealed last week that he tested positive for Covid-19 and missed Sunday’s game against the Kansas City Chiefs. On a podcast called the Pat McAfee show last Friday, Rodgers defended himself, saying he tested negative 300 times before testing positive, which is the same kind of logic your 95-year-old grandmother uses to justify keeping her driver’s license.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Aaron Rodgers told reporters in the preseason, when asked directly about his vaccination status, that he’d been ‘immunized’. That was a pretty slippery answer, looking back at it. This is like your girl asking if you’re wearing a condom, and you put on a bike helmet and are like, ‘Yeah, yeah, I’m wearing protection.’” —Trevor Noah

“Rodgers defended his answer on the Pat McAfee podcast, saying ‘I’m not some sort of anti-vax flat-earther. I am somebody who’s a critical thinker.’ You can tell how politics has just infected the entire vaccine debate, because you’ll never see Aaron Rodgers doing this to anything else. He’s never applying independent thinking to the rest of his body. Just once I’d love to see him out there on the field being like ‘forget pads and helmets, I’ve decided to cover myself in Manuca honey.’” —Trevor Noah

“But there are real victims here. And yes, I’m talking about those of us who play fantasy sports. Because it used to be when you drafted players you only had to take into account their injury history or their team’s off-season moves. Now — now you’ve got to be like, ‘OK, what are the chances that this player gets his news from Facebook?’” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I for one thought that it would never come (it will make you harder than trigonometry)

November 2021

An 81 year old pharmacist in Pennsylvania was arrested for allegedly trading drugs for sexual favors. Wow, so Bill Cosby’s a pharmacist now, huh? —Michael Che

Democrat Terry McAuliffe lost to republican Glenn Youngkin in the Virginia governor’s race. But on the bright side, losers from Virginia usually get a statue. —Michael Che

The republican victory in Virginia’s governor’s race was fueled by support from white women who didn’t go to college. Which just so happens to be the exact group I target on Tinder. —Michael Che

Pfizer announced that it has developed an antiviral pill that can reduce hospitalization among Covid patients by nearly 90%, and even better, it will make you harder than trigonometry. —Michael Che

Steven Sweeney the New Jersey state senate president lost his reelection bid in an upset to a truck driver named Edward Durr. Coincidentally, Durr is also the New Jersey state motto. —Michael Che

National Impotency Awareness Month began on Monday and I for one thought that it would never come. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That should be enough to clean as many as two of LaGuardia’s bathrooms (slippery slope)

November 2021

Our top story tonight, like it’s been for as long as I can remember, infrastructure. Last night congress passed President Biden’s $1.2 Trillion infrastructure bill, which should be enough to clean as many as two of LaGuardia’s bathrooms. —Colin Jost

A high school principal has apologized for unsportsmanlike conduct for the schools football team after they beat another team 106-0. Apology accepted, said the Jets. —Colin Jost

It was reported that mothers in California are trying to pass on Covid-19 antibodies to their children by making them smoothies with their breast milk. Oh sure, but when I ask for that I get escorted out of Jamba Juice. —Colin Jost

Former President Donald Trump was filmed doing the Tomahawk Chop at a World Series game in Atlanta. Native American groups said that they found it extremely offensive to see their culture associated with someone who can’t even run a successful casino. —Colin Jost

More than 30,000 people were locked in Shanghai Disneyland after one visitor tested positive for Covid. So let this be a lesson to all you kids out there. If you aren’t more careful about Covid, you’ll end up living at Disneyworld. —Colin Jost

A TikTok went viral of a squirrel who appeared to be holding hands with a woman. See, it’s like Che always said, gay marriage is a slippery slope. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Russell Brand: Is This A JOKE?? "Let's Go Brandon!" Now BANNED?!

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Uh, my dog Bo just ate $14 trillion (Promise/Reality)

October 2013

"A man in Montana says the U.S. Treasury has reimbursed him after his dog ate $500 dollars in cash. That explains why today the Treasury got a call from another guy who said, 'Uh, my dog Bo just ate $14 trillion.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new survey says one in three adults will be dressing up for Halloween. As for me, I'm not going to do anything. I'm going as Congress." –Craig Ferguson

"At first people thought the government shutdown would last maybe a day, at the most a week. Now people are concerned, and experts are saying the shutdown may last as long as a Kardashian marriage." –David Letterman 

"Obamacare covers a wide range of services and medical attention. For example, it will even cover a DNA test to see if you're Frank Sinatra's son." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

A pill they cannot swallow (class size reductions)

October 2013

"This week the Tea Party shut the government down because Obamacare is still a pill they cannot swallow. They cannot face that we are heading towards European-style health coverage, but they have no problem that we have an Italian style government." –Bill Maher

"Obamacare is real. As of Tuesday people went on the exchanges. Unfortunately they didn't work. This thing crashes so frequently they are starting to call it Lindsay Lohancare." –Bill Maher

"One woman was having so much trouble logging on that finally the NSA guy who was spying on her broke in and said, 'Hit Ctrl Alt Delete!'" –Bill Maher

"Shutdown, I've got it all wrong. As Fox News calls it, it's just a 'government slim down.' And they're also calling school shootings 'class size reductions.'" –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

a lonely guy finally losing his virginity, but only because he fell into the gorilla pit at the zoo (on MY health)

November 2021

“The Supreme Court is hearing the case on the extreme Texas abortion ban, which authorizes private citizens to report on and sue anyone who provides or abets an abortion. The measure, signed by Texas’s Republican governor and designed by conservative lawmakers, could run into trouble with the court’s conservative justices for trying to evade federal law. 

On Monday, Justice Brett Kavanaugh, who was appointed by Trump, theorized that a similar measure could be used in left-leaning states to offer a $1 Million bounty against those who sell an assault rifle, and claim it wasn’t using state power because only private parties could bring the suits. Uh oh, looks like the conservative justices are gonna have to choose what they care more about: guns or fetuses? 

And this is tough. That is, unless … what if women gave birth to guns! That’s it! We just make women give birth to guns, then everybody wins. On a more serious note, this really shows you how bullshit this law is. Because banning abortion has been the goal for conservatives for what, four decades now? 

But even they aren’t willing to do it like this. It would be like a lonely guy finally losing his virginity, but only because he fell into the gorilla pit at the zoo. It’s not what he wanted.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Yeah, but if we stop, we’re gonna put a lot of gravediggers out of business. What about them? (Kyrie Irving clinical trial)

November 2021

“Joe Biden’s efforts at Cop26, the UN climate conference in Glasgow, where 100 world leaders agreed on Monday to end deforestation by 2030. Basically, they made a deal to save the Amazon from Amazon. In a video address, Queen Elizabeth II asked leaders to ‘act for our children and our children’s children’, all of which she’s probably going to outlive. What is that woman, a thousand years old now? She was around before the earth even had climate. And UN secretary general António Guterres kicked off the conference on an urgent, dire note, telling the delegation that humanity is ‘digging our own graves’ with the burning of fossil fuels. Senator Joe Manchin was like, ‘Yeah, but if we stop, we’re gonna put a lot of gravediggers out of business. What about them?’” —Jimmy Kimmel

“According to the White House, 70% of US adults are now fully vaccinated, and 80% are at least partially vaccinated. The other 20% are still waiting for the results of the clinical trial being conducted by Kyrie Irving of the Brooklyn Nets.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

because obviously the Kennedys would be big Trump fans (but he’s still more lifelike than Mike Pence)

November 2021

“I mentioned last night they had this QAnon event in Dallas. The illiterati gathered by the hundreds because they believed J.F.K. Jr. and J.F.K. Sr. were going to re-emerge and reinstall Donald Trump to power, because obviously the Kennedys would be big Trump fans.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“Of course, J.F.K. Jr. died tragically 22 years ago, so at this point, any announcement from him would be pretty big.” — Stephen Colbert

“Now, some of these folks also believe J.F.K. Jr. will be seeking office soon, based on their T-shirts suggesting J.F.K. Jr. would be the former president’s running mate in 2024. Makes sense: Kennedy died over 20 years ago, but he’s still more lifelike than Mike Pence.” — Stephen Colbert

“Shockingly, J.F.K. Jr. did not show up in Dallas yesterday afternoon, due to his chronic case of ‘not alive.’” — Stephen Colbert

“But the QAnon crowd didn’t lose hope, because rumors began to circulate that J.F.K. Jr. would instead appear at a concert by the Rolling Stones that evening. Guys, come on. You can’t always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you might find, you just might find you get what you need. Which is medication.” — Stephen Colbert

“So, the concert happened, and J.F.K. Jr. was a no-show. Some QAnon believers walked away with a new theory about his father: that Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards is, in fact, President John F. Kennedy. OK, that is crazy. President Kennedy would be 104 years old, and Keith Richards is clearly way older than that.” — Stephen Colbert

“Who should be more insulted — Keith Richards by people who thought he was a 104-year-old J.F.K., or J.F.K. for them thinking he was a 77-year-old Keith Richards. I don’t know.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s crazy that people actually believed this. I mean, if you’re gonna believe that a band is the dead Kennedys in disguise, wouldn’t you assume that band was the Dead Kennedys?” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That’s why they’re changing their logo from the donkey to Eeyore (save your panic for climate change)

November 2021

“Republicans won elections in several key states on Tuesday, including Virginia, where Glenn Youngkin won the race for governor. So, it was a disappointing night for Democrats, but Democrats are used to being disappointed. That’s why they’re changing their logo from the donkey to Eeyore.” —Stephen Colbert

“Some of you may be upset by the results, but don’t panic — save your panic for climate change.” —Stephen Colbert

“But the bigger loss was in Virginia, or as it’s known by its full name ‘East West Virginia.’ Because Virginia has been becoming more and more Democratic for years now. They voted for the first Black president and the first blackface governor.” —Trevor Noah

“Republicans figured out that they could use a twin strategy of keeping Trump’s MAGA base motivated by using the right-wing propaganda network to feed the red meat on the one hand, while also running a candidate who looks like the dentist who gives you the gas for a cleaning.” —Seth Meyers

“And what is especially shocking about this result is that Joe Biden won Virginia by 10 points just a year ago. That is a huge swing, people. That’s like a Kim Kardashian going from Kanye to Pete Davidson-level swing.” —Trevor Noah

“Yep, Republicans haven’t been this excited since they realized that you can print fake vaccine cards off of Google Images.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

finally Sneezy can get some Claritin, Sleepy can get some Adderall, and Grumpy can get some Prozac (Ironman 7)

October 2013

"Last night President Obama had an hour-long meeting with Republicans and Democrats, but they were still unable to end the government shutdown situation. So don't worry – while the shutdown is putting people out of work and costing taxpayers millions of dollars, lawmakers did spend a whole hour trying to fix it." –Jimmy Fallon

"Disneyworld said that it will help its employees sign up for Obamacare. So finally Sneezy can get some Claritin, Sleepy can get some Adderall, and Grumpy can get some Prozac." –Jimmy Fallon

"We are at a standstill with the government shutdown. It is costing $300 million a day. That is a full 'Ironman' sequel per day. We could be up to 'Ironman 7' tomorrow." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Nonessential government services have been put on hold. Flight safety inspectors furloughed. National monuments closed. The Grand Canyon is closed. They filled it with Spackle." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You're on your own. Eat a Happy Meal. I don't care (They don't have any geniuses)

October 2013

"It is day three of the government shutdown. Right now 33 percent of the government is doing absolutely nothing, which is not bad considering that before the shutdown 80 percent wasn't doing anything." –Jay Leno 

"This shutdown is hurting everyone. Today Michelle Obama told fat kids: 'You're on your own. Eat a Happy Meal. I don't care.'" –Jay Leno

"According to a new report, experts in Pakistan say $25 million in cash is smuggled out of Pakistan every day, and less than 1 percent of Pakistanis pay any income tax at all. Here's the amazing part: Somehow their government hasn't shut down, but ours has." –Jay Leno 

"Regarding the problems with starting Obamacare, President Obama said that Apple had some glitches with the iPhone but then they fixed them. Technically the president is correct, but you have to remember: Apple has geniuses working there. This is Washington. They don't have any geniuses." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

workers are now watching reruns of Breaking Bad just to get the meth recipes (That's how bad it's gotten)

September 2013

"You can see the effects of the government shutdown all over town. President Obama is now down to just one teleprompter." –Jay Leno

"It is so bad the animals at the National Zoo are being auctioned off to HomeTown Buffet. That's how bad it is." –Jay Leno

"It is so bad Iran will now be forced to negotiate with Dennis Rodman. That's how bad it's gotten." –Jay Leno

"It's hurting everybody. In fact, Nancy Pelosi and John Kerry are now being forced to use the same Botox needle. That's how bad it's gotten." –Jay Leno

"At the TSA, they're making passengers fondle and grope themselves. That's how bad." –Jay Leno

"It is so bad a lot of government workers are now watching reruns of Breaking Bad just to get the meth recipes. That's how bad it's gotten." –Jay Leno

"It is so bad John Boehner can't afford tanning cream anymore. He's just rubbing his face with Cheetos dust. That's how bad." –Jay Leno

"It is so bad Harry Reid has been forced to change his own embalming fluid. That's how bad it's gotten." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it took everything in his power as an old man to not make that coin appear behind the pope’s ear (He had dinner with him last night)

November 2021

“President Biden met with Pope Francis before the G20 summit. Biden, a Catholic, ended the three-hour meeting by saying ‘God love ya’ and gifted the pope a sentimental ‘challenge coin’, a historically collectible item which originated in the military. According to Biden, the coin included insignia of the 261st Signal Brigade unit in the Delaware army national guard, in which his late son, Beau Biden, served as a captain. You’ve gotta give it to Joe Biden, because it took everything in his power as an old man to not make that coin appear behind the pope’s ear.” —Trevor Noah

“That is the most unnecessary ‘God love ya’ in history. You don’t need to say ‘God love ya’ to the pope — he knows God loves him. He had dinner with him last night.” —Trevor Noah

“But I think the meeting was cool for him to see because it’s nice. Because even though these two men are some of the most powerful leaders in the world, when it comes down to it, they’re just a couple of old guys hanging out, showing off their coin collection, talking about alcohol, making inappropriate ethnic jokes.” —Trevor Noah

“I’m sorry, guys, but how is climate change the most pressing issue facing humanity but then your plan is to do something about it by more or less 2050? Like that’s a pretty good sign something isn’t going to actually get done. If somebody says, ‘Yeah, yeah, we should hang out sometime. What’s your schedule looking like in 2050?’ You’ll never see the person again.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the E.M.T.s will be there sometime between the hours of noon and the funeral (Five to 10 years’ waving experience)

November 2021

“President Biden over the weekend visited the Vatican, where he gave Pope Francis a coin and parted ways by saying, ‘God love ya.’ Yeah, he does. Pretty sure that’s the papal job description on LinkedIn: ‘God love ya. Must be good with crowds. Some Latin required. Five to 10 years’ waving experience.’” —Stephen Colbert

“Biden has gotten flack from right-wing Catholic bishops for being pro-choice, but during the meeting, the pope said he should keep receiving communion, and called Biden ‘a good Catholic.’ OK, that’s legit. That’s legit. That’s the stamp of approval right there. The pope telling you you’re a good Catholic is like a bear telling you you’re good at pooping in the woods.” —Stephen Colbert

“Climate change was one of the main things on the agenda, and the G20 leaders took a bold stand, pledging to achieve global net-zero greenhouse-gas emissions by or around midcentury. That doesn’t sound very urgent. It’s like calling 9-1-1 and having the operator tell you the E.M.T.s will be there sometime between the hours of noon and the funeral.” —Stephen Colbert

“The summit wrapped with a group of leaders symbolically tossing coins into Rome’s famed Trevi fountain. Not a great sign when global cooperation has reached the stage of ‘wish!’” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Why does America need unions? (that’s a joke, pay your taxes)

September 2013

"As of now we still don’t know whether Congress is going to vote to shut down the government. However, it looks like they still might burn it down for the insurance money." –Arsenio Hall

"All this drama is very confusing to all the hookers in D.C. They don’t know whether they have to go to work tomorrow either." –Arsenio Hall

"Now, I’m not sure how politics works, but I’m pretty sure if the government shuts down it means that we don’t have to pay taxes. I’m just kidding, Wesley Snipes … that’s a joke … pay your taxes." –Arsenio Hall

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”