And they can keep a secret when I ask them to bathe me in a car wash (I'll take two)

Illinois Governor JB Pritzker said illegal migrants are our neighbors and friends. He followed up by saying, “And they can keep a secret when I ask them to bathe me in a car wash.” —Greg Gutfeld

Earlier today, Apple CEO Tim Cook introduced the new iPhone 17. 17? I'll take two, said Anthony Weiner. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

These six guys control maybe 20% of the world’s wealth and 100% of your nudes (open source Illuminati)

Donald Trump’s inauguration, was attended by such tech billionaire CEOs or founders as Elon Musk, Mark Zuckerberg, Jeff Bezos, Tim Cook and more. Basically, a plethora of bald billionaires who all seem to go to the same bio-hack life extension clinic and say, ‘Give me the Lex Luthor’. These six guys control maybe 20% of the world’s wealth and 100% of your nudes. —Jon Stewart

“Shouldn’t this gathering be happening in a volcano’s lair near Zurich? Or are we just open source Illuminati?” —Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Insanely Unrelatable Anecdotes (Where does it end with you people?)

After new polls show Donald Trump leading Joe Biden, democratic strategists are calling Biden’s re-election campaign a five-alarm fire., which is scary for Biden because in a fire, you have to use the stairs. —Colin Jost

FTX founder Sam Bankman-Fried has been convicted of securities fraud, wire fraud, and illegally making a wig out of a Labradoodle. The former crypto-currency CEO now faces up to 110 years in prison where ironically, he will be used as an alternative currency. —Colin Jost

In a new interview, Barbara Streisand said that she didn’t like the way Siri pronounced her name, so she called Apple CEO Tim Cook and told him to change it. Read more about it in this months issue of Insanely Unrelatable Anecdotes. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

I guess when you’re the pope and have tech issues, that’s who they send. (Who is lobbying for them?)

October 2022

“Even if you’re someone who follows politics very closely, you’d be hard-pressed to name a single Republican policy idea, aside from cutting rich people’s taxes, or banning abortion, or passing a law that says it’s illegal to win an election if your name isn’t Donald Trump SENIOR.” —Seth Meyers

“The former president sat for three interviews for Maggie Haberman’s book Confidence Man, which Trump has already discredited as fake news. This is what he does. For almost every one of these tell-all books, he sits for an interview, then the book comes out, and then he calls the author a liar. And then the same author writes their next book about him, he sits for an interview again, and calls them a liar again. But he loves the attention so much he can’t resist doing the interviews. Among other things, the book contains a story about Trump’s abandoned plan to emerge from the hospital, having survived Covid, wearing a Superman T-shirt. Listen, the only thing Trump does faster than a speeding bullet is have sex. We know that from Stormy Daniels.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Haberman also reported on the Trump team’s uncooperativeness during the transition to the Biden administration. In their final days in office, Trump’s staff printed out pictures of Hunter Biden and stuffed them in the White House air-conditioning unit. Which was especially weird because that’s where Melania was hiding at the time.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“I heard that today at the Vatican, Pope Francis met with Apple CEO Tim Cook. I guess when you’re the pope and have tech issues, that’s who they send.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Did you try unplugging him and plugging him back in? (Get the probe!)

President Trump had dinner on Friday with Apple CEO Tim Cook. Well, Tim, did you try unplugging him and plugging him back in? --Seth Meyers

NASA yesterday successfully launched a probe designed to touch the sun. [shows photo of Don Jr. and Eric] “I use a probe to touch mine, too,” said Trump. “Father, can I have a hug?” “Get the probe!” --Seth Meyers

According to Politico, White House aides need to remind President Trump of time zones in different countries on a constant basis. He forgets that in America it’s 4 p.m., but where he is, it’s 1957. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”  

What did she have to do for the extra $50,000? (Do I look like a guy who needs hookers?)

But before all this got out, Trump’s campaign tried to keep Omarosa quiet by offering her $180,000 in hush money. When Stormy Daniels heard that, she was like, “Oh, my God. What did she have to do for the extra $50,000?” --Jimmy Fallon

The president’s been keeping busy. On Friday night, he had dinner with the CEO of Apple, Tim Cook. And this is nice — Trump even picked up the check. But then he ate it. --Jimmy Fallon

An 11-year-old boy in Florida was able to hack into a state elections website and change results in under 10 minutes. So get ready to meet Florida’s next governor, Fortnite McDeadpool. --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Trump promised to help Nambia in their war with Narnia (good value)

During a speech to African leaders today, President Trump accidentally made up the nation of "Nambia." Even worse, he promised to help Nambia in their war with Narnia. –Conan O’Brien

Apple CEO Tim Cook is claiming that the $1000 iPhone X is a good value. Cook said, “It’s the last phone you’ll ever need for the next eight months." –Conan O’Brien

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #FeeltheBern #repealreplacerepublicans

Any more leaks, and we’re going to need WikiDepends (one arm’s length)

Every day, we get another revelation about Clinton from WikiLeaks. Any more, and we’re going to need WikiDepends. –Stephen Colbert

The latest is a list of the vice presidents Hillary Clinton was considering. It includes political superstars like Minnesota Senator Amy Klobuchar, and Secretary of Agriculture Tom Vilsack. Also in this WikiLeaks-released list are business leaders like Apple CEO Tim Cook and Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz. Apparently, Hillary decided against Schultz because the race already had one pumpkin-spiced candidate. –Stephen Colbert

It’s been 11 days since we heard Donald Trump on the Grope-Town Express, and a lot of people have distanced themselves from Donald Trump — at least one arm’s length. –Stephen Colbert

Last night, Melania explained who she really blames for Donald Trump’s behavior. Yes, it was all Billy Bush’s fault. Now I know why they were on a bus — it’s easier to throw Billy underneath it. –Stephen Colbert

We’ll just be over here – with the engines running in case things go south

There are now less than 100 days left until the presidential election. Or you could say, there are now less than 100 days left, period. –Jimmy Fallon

I saw that Apple CEO Tim Cook will hold a fundraiser later this month for Hillary Clinton. He had a long list of terms and conditions for the event, but Hillary just said “Agree!” without really reading them. –Jimmy Fallon

The summer Olympics start this Friday, and I read that the organizing committee will stay aboard a docked cruise ship called “The Getaway,” which will act as a floating hotel. 'Cuz nothing makes you feel safer about the Olympics than the organizers staying in a getaway boat. “You kids have fun! We’ll just be over here – with the engines running in case things go south.” –Jimmy Fallon