Maybe the real lesson is that when two men have a shared passion, the sky's the limit (You folded it?)

Some users of the new iPhone Duo are reporting cracks in the foldable display. Responded Apple, "You folded it?” —Colin Jost 

Police in Scotland have opened an investigation into the extensive time the former Prince Andrew spent with Jeffrey Epstein at the King's Scottish estate. Which brings me to my segment, "Hear Me Out." Now, I know that the main story here is that they're sexual predators. But can we also acknowledge that it seems like these two had a beautiful, close friendship? How many middle-aged men do you know that go on this many cool trips together? Maybe the real lesson is that when two men have a shared passion, the sky's the limit. And what seems like a teen sex ring might actually be the perfect cure for our male loneliness epidemic. Besides, who are they even hurting? Oh, right. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

isms just determines who gets paid (reinforcing stereotypes)

The Emmys are being hosted by Mariska Hargtiay from Law and Order SVU. Apparently, the producers wisely concluded that the star of a show about horrific sex crimes is still funnier than Jimmy Kimmel. —Greg Gutfeld 

Some women are claiming that Sydney Sweeney is reinforcing stereotypes by appearing in very sexy ads. And they’re right. The stereotype being that ugly women hate hot chicks. Simple. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

 “A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Trump approval rating roller coaster, which has the biggest drop in history (Horse, duck, stripy horse)

The Great American State Fair kicked off on the National Mall on Thursday. The fair has everything. There’s a giant Ferris wheel, there’s a carousel. They even have a Trump approval rating roller coaster, which has the biggest drop in history. —Jimmy Fallon

“And this is fun. They also hired Trump’s doctor to guess what you want your weight to be. ‘150? Sure.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“If that’s not all, they even have a petting zoo with some of the animals Trump named during his last cognitive test: ‘[imitating Trump] Horse, duck, stripy horse.’” — Jimmy Fallon

“Congress is also putting together a time capsule to be buried and then opened in 50 years. So far, it includes an iPhone, an Apple wristwatch and Mitch McConnell.” — Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's what happens when you can't use your hands (or as Trump calls him, Steve)

Meanwhile, a Brooklyn escort service is charging World Cup soccer players up to $10,000 an hour. Why so steep a price? Because it takes them two hours to score. It's what happens when you can't use your hands. —Greg Gutfeld 

Congress is putting together a time capsule to be buried and then opened in 50 years. So far, it includes an iPhone, an Apple wristwatch, and Mitch McConnell. He'll be fine. —Greg Gutfeld 

On Wednesday, Marco Rubio met with UAE President Sheikh Mohamed bin Zayed Al-Nahyan or as Trump calls him, Steve. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

a Beluga whale in every toilet (two bonus minutes)

In Norway, a whale watcher dropped their cell phone in the ocean. Then a Beluga whale retrieved it for them. That’s amazing. Now all we need to keep our cell phones safe is a Beluga whale in every toilet. --Stephen Colbert

If you remember a few weeks ago the democrats proposed a $1 Trillion infrastructure deal, and Trump said, “Why not $2 Trillion?” So they said Okay. Today was just supposed to be hammering out the details, but it didn’t work out that way. Trump walked in, didn’t shake anyone’s hand or take a seat, and left before anyone else could speak. All told, it was over in three minutes. According to Stormy Daniels that’s two bonus minutes. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

worrying about the optics (nine-month delay)

This week also saw Donald Trump Jr and his bride-to-be decide against getting married at the White House over fears about the optics. Somebody marrying Donald Trump Jr is worried about the optics? —Jimmy Kimmel

The much-ridiculed Trump gold cellphone is now available after a nine-month delay. The only Trump item more disappointing after a nine-month wait was Eric. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Now all we need to keep our cell phones safe is a Beluga whale in every toilet (they are going to leave that part out of the Disney movie)

In Norway, a whale watcher dropped their cell phone in the ocean. Then a Beluga whale retrieved it for them. That’s amazing. Now all we need to keep our cell phones safe is a Beluga whale in every toilet. --Stephen Colbert

A wild raccoon has moved into a German zoo and the zookeepers can’t expel it. Zookeepers say the raccoon “can expect free board and lodgings for life, because European Union rules forbid him from being released back into the wild.” But “He’ll have to be castrated.” And I have a feeling that they are going to leave that part out of the Disney movie. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Keep in mind, I am a proctologist (a pretty intense phone call)

A Chinese investment firm has bought the company behind the Batman movies. Which explains why in the next Batman movie, a young Bruce Wayne sees his parents killed, then goes back to making iPhones at the factory. –Conan O’Brien

President Trump had a physical today. After Trump’s exam, his doctor said he found “no cognitive or mental issues whatsoever.” But the doctor did say, “Keep in mind, I am a proctologist.” --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

leading many to believe that Kim Kardashian is a serial killer (students kept showing up late for sex)

 

A growing number of patients are getting butt lifts using fat from dead people leading many to believe that Kim Kardashian is a serial killer. —Greg Gutfeld

After New York banned cell phones, teachers have discovered that many teens can't read clocks. They noticed this when the students kept showing up late for sex. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

he wants to see if Mars can sustain life and a casino (What a waste)

China is pressuring Washington not to impose big tariffs on its steel. You can tell China’s playing hardball because today they said, “Remember – we have your new iPhones.” --Conan O’Brien

 A 102-year-old woman broke a pair of world track and field records. The 102-year-old ran the 100-meter dash with a time of "February." --Conan O’Brien

Today President Trump gave NASA $19.5 billion to develop a manned mission to Mars. President Trump said he wants to see if Mars can sustain life and a casino. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Oh, my God, Kanye becomes President? (MILF Plaza)

Let's get to some news. Today, guys, President Trump met with Kanye West at the White House. Incredible. If you would've told me 10 years ago that Trump and Kanye would be meeting at the White House, I would've said, "Oh, my God, Kanye becomes President?" --Jimmy Fallon

A tech blogger in California used a weather balloon to drop an iPhone from the edge of space, at 100,000 feet in the air, to see what would happen — and still, somehow the phone landed in the guy’s toilet. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You know that queasy feeling when your phone battery is at one percent? (It's a Wonderful Life)

“Well, guys, Congress failed to reach an agreement on a spending deal, and now, we’re just a few minutes away from a government shutdown. Yeah. You know that queasy feeling when your phone battery is at one percent? That’s our government right now.” — Jimmy Fallon

“Yep, this’ll be the first government shutdown since 2018 — not including Joe Biden at the debate.” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What's going to happen when the iPhone 7 comes out? (six-hour safety briefing)

The other day at LAX, a flight attendant was caught smuggling cocaine. People became suspicious when she gave passengers a six-hour safety briefing. –Conan O’Brien

In China, people are selling their kidney to buy an iPhone 6. What's going to happen when the iPhone 7 comes out? –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And they can keep a secret when I ask them to bathe me in a car wash (I'll take two)

Illinois Governor JB Pritzker said illegal migrants are our neighbors and friends. He followed up by saying, “And they can keep a secret when I ask them to bathe me in a car wash.” —Greg Gutfeld

Earlier today, Apple CEO Tim Cook introduced the new iPhone 17. 17? I'll take two, said Anthony Weiner. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wow, that is the worst thing ever to happen to Titanic (no force on earth can stop it)

This weekend, Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne said that they're getting a divorce. Ozzy announced the separation by biting the head off their lawyer. It's sad news. They were married for 33 years, six of which Ozzy remembers. –Stephen Colbert

Avengers: Endgame just beat the $2.12 Billion box office record set by Titanic. Wow, that is the worst thing ever to happen to Titanic. --Stephen Colbert

In Norway, a whale watcher dropped their cell phone in the ocean. Then a Beluga whale retrieved it for them. That’s amazing. Now all we need to keep our cell phones safe is a Beluga whale in every toilet. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What would they be doing differently? (your kids would get an employee discount)

A new report shows that if iPhones were manufactured in the U.S., they could cost up to $3,500, which is a lot. But remember, your kids would get an employee discount. —Michael Che

President Trump responded to the fallout from his tariffs saying, "Sometimes, you have to take medicine to fix something.” Yeah, but this feels like we took a whole bottle of medicine with a glass of vodka and laid in a warm bath. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

and still, somehow the phone landed in the guy’s toilet (I’ve been asking for a pan since 1916)

A tech blogger in California used a weather balloon to drop an iPhone from the edge of space, at 100,000 feet in the air, to see what would happen — and still, somehow the phone landed in the guy’s toilet. –Jimmy Fallon

This month, the world’s oldest person will turn 117, and she says she eats two raw eggs every day. When asked what she wants for her birthday, she said, “A skillet. I’ve been asking for a pan since 1916.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If it were one degree higher, it would be a boy band (If Moses had a Smartphone)

The Austrian government announced on Monday that they will be

tearing down the house where Adolf Hitler was born. There goes

our Christmas plans. –James Corden

The Austrian government said they won’t leave the lot vacant,

which means “the house where Hitler was born” might soon be

“the pilates studio where Hitler was born.” –James Corden

Today was the opening game of the World Series at Dodger Stadium, and it was one of the hottest on record, with temperatures around 97 degrees. That’s so hot. If it were one degree higher, it would be a boy band. –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If Moses had a Smartphone (an amount that priests called worth it)

Donald Trump appeared at a town hall hosted by Univision, where he was asked questions in both English and Spanish, which he answered in both English and louder English. —Michael Che

The Archdiocese of Los Angeles has reached a settlement in hundreds of child sex abuse cases, and will pay out $880 million, an amount that priests called worth it. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It'll be similar to the last version but with s'more features (I said "eating.")

Google has announced that the next version of its Android phone software will be called Marshmallow. It'll be similar to the last version but with s'more features. –Seth Meyers

According to a new study, roughly 20 percent of millennial parents have changed or seriously considered changing their baby's name based on what internet domain names were available at the time. "Don't make the same mistake my parents made," said Pornhub Collins. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”