Now I am become death, wheee! (Boy, do I feel stupid)

So, according to New York City's controller, the city spent $81,000 per homeless person last year. Boy, do I feel stupid paying them for sex. —Greg Gutfeld

President Trump said that he may order more strikes on the Iran’s Kharg Island “just for fun”. Well sure. In the famous words of J Robert Oppenheimer: ‘Now I am become death, wheee!’ —Stephen Colbert

The annual St Patrick’s Day ceremonial White House visit by the Irish prime minister took place. It’s a standing appointment to get together with the president of the United States once a year, just like Melania. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

doctors say he should be out of the hospital by Sunday (Get a load of Jeff Bezos over here)

“The price of eggs still remains extremely high. Now when you order eggs in a diner, the waiter's like, ‘Get a load of Jeff Bezos over here.’ It's hard finding cheap eggs. This morning, I bought a spinach and feta omelet out of the trunk of some guy's car.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Meanwhile, I saw that Guinness just announced that they're raising the price of a pint in Ireland. One politician suggested drinking water instead. And doctors say he should be out of the hospital by Sunday.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They are no longer beyond my comprehension (or, as it’s also known, a toothpick)

In Ireland, a crashed truck released 15,000 live crabs. Scientists say it was the biggest release of crabs since Hunter Biden left his jeans in an Old Navy dressing room. —Greg Gutfeld

President Trump visited his dentist in Florida over the weekend. It was just a standard checkup. He got a cleaning, a fluoride treatment, and another cognitive test. A Florida dentist – or, as it’s also known, a toothpick. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Her delicious, delicious children (the system)

A woman in Utah survived after her SUV got stuck in the snow and mud for nearly a week. The woman said she couldn’t have made it without her children. Her delicious, delicious children. --Michael Che, SNL

President Biden traveled to Ireland this week and is being called the most Irish president since Kennedy. And in fact, Biden has so much Irish blood that he doesn’t need a drink to slur his words. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

that is assuming I make it past tomorrow's death panel interview (enhanced quail hunting)

"But according to a newly released memo from the CIA, they used horrible torture techniques on prisoners. Dick Cheney claimed that it wasn't torture. Enhanced interrogation techniques, that's what he called it. And he didn't shoot that guy in the face. No, no, that was enhanced quail hunting." --David Letterman

"Ladies and gentlemen, I didn't even realize this until this morning, Sunday will be the 16th anniversary of Paul and myself doing the show here at CBS. Sixteen. And that is assuming I make it past tomorrow's death panel interview." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Lawmakers in Jamaica are considering a bill to legalize marijuana (The bad news is that they're capturing it with ducks)

"Lawmakers in Jamaica are now considering a bill that would legalize marijuana. Let me repeat myself: Lawmakers in Jamaica are considering a bill to legalize marijuana. In related news, lawmakers in Italy are considering a bill to legalize spaghetti, and lawmakers in Ireland are considering a bill to legalize whiskey." –Jimmy Fallon

"Here's a little bit of good news. The Coast Guard says that BP is now catching up to 630,000 gallons of oil a day. The bad news is that they're capturing it with ducks." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If you can't contain El Chapo then your opinions are El Crapo (Like using a robot to feed live mice to The View)

So what's the primary mechanism of political survival? For most politicians it’s kicking the can down the road. They know never to deal with a problem when it arises because action always involves risk. So instead they offer platitudes. Instead of solutions hoping the status quo gets them reelected until it's time of course to cash in and become a lobbyist. But today we have a leader who's kicking nothing down the road. Instead, Donald Trump sees the can picks it up and crushes it with his bare hands. Think about it, DOGE, trade, deporting gangs, men and women's sports, getting Rosie O'Donnell on a plane to Ireland. —Greg Gutfeld

According to NBC News the Trump administration is considering taking out drug cartels with drone strikes. Drones on cartels, it's a modern solution to a modern problem. Like using a robot to feed live mice to The View. And even your hands are safe. —Greg Gutfeld

Mexico's president says bombing cartels won't address the root of the issue. Really? Doesn't wiping out the dudes who sling these drugs address the root issue? If you can't contain El Chapo then your opinions are El Crapo. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This is from the Journal of Who Gives a Sh*t (Easter eggs/smiling)

Easter eggs are so expensive Americans are dying potatoes instead. Speaking of dying potatoes, Rosie O’Donnell is still in Ireland. —Greg Gutfeld

According to a new study monkeys are better yodelers than humans. This is from the Journal of Who Gives a Sh*t. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

so many great things have happened so fast (sucking face)

And finally research suggests that exposure to micro-plastics can increase the risk of diabetes and stroke. So some are already advising against using plastic water bottles, food containers and sucking face with Nancy Pelosi. —Greg Gutfeld

Since January 20th so many great things have happened so fast. The borders have been closed, fugitives have been caught, egg and gas prices have plummeted and Rosie O'Donnell moved to Ireland. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the voice of reason is a stroke victim who dresses like he steals from a laundromat (You can do this already with a Zip code)

Rosie O’Donnell has left the United States and moved to Ireland. Poor Ireland, suddenly that whole Potato Famine doesn't seem so bad. Soon the Irish will be praying to St Patrick to get rid of her and bring back snakes. —Greg Gutfeld

The Democrat party’s in free fall. From the lowest level man-child to the highest level politician. There's no reason, no optimism, just insanity piled on insanity. And it’s ready to topple like a human pyramid with Joy Behar on top. —Greg Gutfeld

This might be the future of the Democratic party but it doesn't have to be. There's Senator Fetterman, once a progressive darling who is now reviled by them for approaching normalcy. You know your party’s in trouble when the voice of reason is a stroke victim who dresses like he steals from a laundromat. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's caused the Irish to brace for another potato famine (breaking stereotypes)

Well to protest the election of Donald Trump, Rosie O'Donnell has moved to Ireland. It's caused the Irish to brace for another potato famine. —Greg Gutfeld

But to her credit Rosie is once again breaking stereotypes by showing the world that you could be both a refugee and really fat. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

But sadly, she was no match for my car (Irish pilot)

A one hundred two year old woman from New York who survived the 1918 Spanish flu has now beat coronavirus twice. But sadly, she was no match for my car. —Michael Che

Aviation officials report that two Irish pilots claim they saw an unidentified flying object. But keep in mind, Irish pilot is also the highest reading on a breathalyzer. --Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey, we tried to warn you (I count you twice)

Last night was the annual Victoria's Secret Fashion Show on CBS, and it featured models from Brazil, Sweden, and Portugal. Or as Donald Trump put it, “I've changed my mind on immigrants.” –Jimmy Fallon

"Umpire Dale Scott recently became the first major league umpire to come out as gay. Well, he says he's out, but another ump said he was safe, so now we have to wait to see what the replay says." –Jimmy Fallon

"McDonald's just announced that it's bringing back the McRib later this month. Or, as the Mayans put it, 'Hey, we tried to warn you.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I just wish they'd been Teen Choice Awards (Guinness will have it all by Monday)

Ireland will be collecting $15 billion from Apple in a settlement over back taxes. Ireland will receive the money on Friday, and Guinness will have it all by Monday. –Conan O’Brien

In an interview, Senate candidate Roy Moore's spokesperson said his accusers gave "Academy Award performances." Then Moore interrupted and said, "I just wish they'd been Teen Choice Awards." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Because my wife's family owns Budweiser (I honked in Ottawa)

"Due to the current crisis on Wall Street, President Bush announced just a few hours ago that he's canceled a trip to Alabama. That's true. Yeah, Bush said, 'Under the circumstances, I didn't think it was right to leave the country.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of John McCain, in his speech today, John McCain said that illegal Irish immigrants in America should be allowed to become citizens. Yeah. When asked why, McCain said, 'Because my wife's family owns Budweiser.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush gave an optimistic speech about the economy, even though the dollar fell even more, oil hit record highs and jobs continue to be lost. Yeah. So when asked what part of the economy is working, Bush said, 'Hookers are doing well.'" --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And when I say "talk," I mean loud, angry, incomprehensible talk (Rolled it himself)

Yesterday on Father’s Day my kids gave me breakfast in bed, which I thought was sweet. My nine-year-old makes a mean mojito. Brought me a cigarette too. Rolled it himself. –Conan O’Brien

Because of England’s Brexit vote, there’s now talk in Scotland and Northern Ireland about leaving the UK. And when I say "talk," I mean loud, angry, incomprehensible talk. –Conan O’Brien

Volkswagen's settlement for its emissions cheating scandal is going to cost it nearly $15 billion. A spokesperson for Volkswagen said, "We’ve never been so embarrassed — and we were founded by Hitler." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

There must be a cheaper way to find the worst people in Society (she asked her staff to schedule 15 seconds of smiling)

"Senator John McCain actually tweeted to Snooki from 'Jersey Shore,' an MTV program, after she complained about the tanning bed tax in the new health care law. But, unfortunately, Snooki never got the message because McCain tweeted it off his electric razor." –Jimmy Fallon

"Lawmakers in Jamaica are now considering a bill that would legalize marijuana. Let me repeat myself: Lawmakers in Jamaica are considering a bill to legalize marijuana. In related news, lawmakers in Italy are considering a bill to legalize spaghetti, and lawmakers in Ireland are considering a bill to legalize whiskey." –Jimmy Fallon

It's being reported that Hillary Clinton now has enough delegates to secure the Democratic nomination. Hillary was so excited when she found out she asked her staff to schedule 15 seconds of smiling. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Where are the pink hearts and yellow moons? (This could not be permitted)

Donald Trump is holding his first-ever campaign fundraiser but says he’s only doing it because the Republican Party asked him to. Yeah. Trump thought he should do this for the Republican Party, since he turned down their first request: Don’t be our candidate. –Conan O’Brien

"President Bush met with the Prime Minister of Ireland, who gave him the traditional bowl of shamrocks. There was an awkward moment when President Bush said, 'Where are the pink hearts and yellow moons?'" --Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump is now ahead of Hillary Clinton in the polls. This was reported today in The Washington Post, and 2,000 years ago in the Book of Revelations. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Where are the pink hearts and yellow moons? (I could have used seals?)

"President Obama gave the order for Navy SEALs to kill bin Laden. When President Bush heard about it, he was really upset, saying, 'I could have used seals?'" –Conan O'Brien

"Osama bin Laden is dead, which means the No. 1 threat to America is now the KFC Double Down." –Conan O'Brien

"President Bush met with the Prime Minister of Ireland, who gave him the traditional bowl of shamrocks. There was an awkward moment when President Bush said, 'Where are the pink hearts and yellow moons?'" --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He spent all day giving himself a massage (it's complicated)

James Comey is promoting his new book “A Higher Loyalty.” Donald Trump is furious about it because it insults his leadership, and because it forced him to read a book. --Jimmy Fallon

Tax Day is tricky for President Trump. Under "filing status," he crossed out “married” and wrote "it's complicated." --Jimmy Fallon

The race for 2020 is already under way, and a new poll found that Bernie Sanders is now leading Joe Biden 29% to 24%. You can tell Biden's stressed. He spent all day giving himself a massage. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”