That man, you guessed it, Matthew McConaughey (pretending you have universal healthcare)

Police arrested a man who pulled his car off to the side of the road and started to have sex with it. That man, you guessed it, Matthew McConaughey. --Colin Jost

A group of hikers from Great Britain had to be rescued when they got lost after taking psychedelic mushrooms. More embarrassing, they never actually left the house. —Colin Jost

​​New York City lawmakers have proposed a new law to change the sound of emergency vehicle sirens to resemble those used in Europe. That way you can spend your time in the ambulance pretending you have universal healthcare. --Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I meant I'm pro-MY-life (Leap of Faith Sushi)

In Pennsylvania, a pro-life republican congressman is accused of asking his mistress to get an abortion so his wife wouldn't find out about his affair. He defended himself saying, "Hey, when I said I'm pro-life, I meant I'm pro-MY-life." –Conan O’Brien

"The government shutdown is going to slash the budget for food inspection. That is bad news for health advocates, but great news for the new Japanese restaurant – Leap of Faith Sushi." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Social Security Fun Facts (Do you need a few more minutes?)

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi today called President Trump's behavior villainous and said that he is "crying out for impeachment." And then she said the Democrats are not on the road to impeachment, then she said the President's family should hold an intervention for him. Well, which is it, Nancy? This is usually the part where the waiter says, "Do you need a few more minutes?" --Seth Meyers

President Trump this weekend retweeted a post suggesting that he have two years added to his term in order to make up for the time taken up by the Russia investigation, and to make up for the time he's spent playing golf, he'll need at least an additional decade. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

My eyes are up here (No, he didn’t!)

A group of scientists say they have been able to give paralyzed monkeys back the control of their legs using new implants. Monkeys who got their implants were like, “My eyes are up here.” –Seth Meyers

Donald Trump won the presidential election last night and then, out of habit, Kellyanne Conway said, “No, he didn’t!” –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I just wish they'd been Teen Choice Awards (Guinness will have it all by Monday)

Ireland will be collecting $15 billion from Apple in a settlement over back taxes. Ireland will receive the money on Friday, and Guinness will have it all by Monday. –Conan O’Brien

In an interview, Senate candidate Roy Moore's spokesperson said his accusers gave "Academy Award performances." Then Moore interrupted and said, "I just wish they'd been Teen Choice Awards." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This is like if a mental patient escaped the hospital and wandered into an air traffic control tower (a long, stress-free life)

We have been waiting for disgraced congressman George Santos to be voted out of Congress all week and as of Thursday evening, we are still waiting. Why this has taken so long, I have no idea. This is like if a mental patient escaped the hospital and wandered into an air traffic control tower and then a year later he was still up there landing planes. —Jimmy Kimmel

Henry Kissinger’s death at 100 just goes to show you that if you have zero morals, you’ll lead a long, stress-free life. He committed massacres and lived to be 100, while the rest of us over here are dying at 47 because we can’t stop stressing about the time we waved to a person who was actually waving to someone behind us. —Michelle Wolf, The Daily Show

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm just saying that if Joe Biden was a balcony I wouldn't step out on him for a smoke (sucker punch)

The horse race it's not looking too good for President Biden. He’s now losing to all three of the top Republican contenders and there is something very bad politically looming for him next week. His birthday. He’s going to be 81 and we've never had a president who's 81. It doesn't mean he can’t do it, I'm just saying, I like the guy, but I'm just saying that if Joe Biden was a balcony I wouldn't step out on him for a smoke. —Bill Maher

Kevin McCarthy, the former speaker of the House was accused of sucker punching a fellow senator in the kidneys. It’s embarrassing watching these guys act all tough. Kevin McCarthy is so tough he’s got a tear tattoo for the time he killed Medicare. —Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

You know what they say about Mike Johnson: to know him is to … meh (the little soapy thing is empty, but we will fill it!)

Our long national nightmare is finally different. Finally, a man who appeals to all factions of the Republican party: the Maga faithful, the social conservatives, the white nationalists and the horny Beetlejuice goblins. Mike Johnson’s successful bid for speakership after several swift failures – Jim Jordan and Tom Emmer, among others – was facilitated by the fact that, according to Politico, there weren’t enough people who hated Johnson to oppose his rise. You know what they say about Mike Johnson: to know him is to … meh. —Stephen Colbert

But don’t let the apparent blandness fool you – Johnson is not only an election denier, he played a leading role in the effort to overturn the 2020 election. And Johnson holds other extreme views. In newspaper editorials, he has called homosexuality ‘inherently unnatural’ and a ‘dangerous lifestyle’ that could possibly destroy ‘the entire democratic system’. The republicans celebrated their momentous achievement of having a leader on the steps of the Capitol. That’s the sort of ceremony that’s usually celebrating the passage of Medicare or ending the war. Instead, this was announcing ‘we have found the key to the executive washroom. By the way, the little soapy thing is empty, but we will fill it!’ —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm starting to realize why Trump's casinos went bankrupt (which explains why he starts a new family every few years)

According to one excerpt, Donald Trump suggested that the government should just "print more money." Oh, OK, I'm starting to realize why Trump's casinos went bankrupt. --James Corden

If you think Donald Trump's economic ideas are crazy, you should hear Trump's plan for global warming. He thinks the government should just make more ice cubes. --James Corden

The only people President Trump feels he can really trust are family, which explains why he starts a new family every few years. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

a confused old person yelling at something that doesn't exist (And with his Medicare plan, they won't be)

"Ann Romney was telling details of their personal life. She said that when she and Mitt were young, 'He was nice to my parents, but really glad when my parents weren't around.' And with his Medicare plan, they won't be." –Bill Maher

"If your party can run the nation for eight years, and then have a national convention and not invite Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Colin Powell, Karl Rove or Tom DeLay, you’re not a political movement. You’re the witness protection program." –Bill Maher

"Clint Eastwood came out at the Republican convention and did ten minutes of wingnut improv. It was kind of a metaphor for the entire Republican party -- a confused old person yelling at something that doesn't exist." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

NASA admitted they sort of forgot he was up there (Which is also the advice Chris Christie gets from his doctor)

Astronaut Jeffrey Williams just set the U.S. record for most days in space, reaching the milestone of 521 days. It's less of an accomplishment after NASA admitted they sort of forgot he was up there. –Jimmy Fallon

"Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan had a campaign event at an apple orchard. There was one awkward moment when they told the granny smiths they were considering cutting their Medicare." –Jimmy Fallon

One of the candidates at the early GOP debate, George Pataki, said his routine before every debate is to drink a diet lemon Snapple iced tea and pray. Which is also the advice Chris Christie gets from his doctor. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

In fact, it's even a crappy tip (So apparently he's not going)

"Donald Trump says he has a big surprise in store for everybody at the Republican National Convention this year - a surprise he says people will love. So apparently he's not going." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney said he will not release any more tax returns. He said that he guarantees that he paid at least 13 percent every year. 13 percent? That's not a tax, that's a tip. In fact, it's even a crappy tip." –Jay Leno

"Thank you for coming out on a hot day. The heat has not let up here. It was 109 today in Los Angeles. I was sweating like a Medicare patient at a Romney-Ryan rally." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Meanwhile in Texas, George W. Bush got caught in the garage door (I think I'm going to wait and see who Metallica likes)

"In Florida there is a guy running for Congress who is 101 years old. And despite what you might think, the guy is actually quite a progressive. He wants to expand Medicare. He wants to fix Social Security. He wants to let women vote." –David Letterman

“The band Megadeth has endorsed Rick Santorum. I think I'm going to wait and see who Metallica likes.” –David Letterman

"The Dalai Lama was down at the White House today to meet President Obama. Meanwhile in Texas, George W. Bush got caught in the garage door." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And then he went outside and turned on the lights on the big 50-foot statue of Ronald Reagan (I thought I had it bad)

"There is something indicative about his character because it seems like Mitt Romney was kind of a bully. This was not the only bullying thing he did. He also took poor kids' lunch money – oh, I'm sorry, that's his present-day economic policy." –Bill Maher

"The head of the RNC Reince Priebus attacked Democrats today for worshiping Hollywood movie stars. And then he went outside and turned on the lights on the big 50-foot statue of Ronald Reagan." –Bill Maher

"When Mitt Romney was in prep school he led a pack of his friends to forcibly hold down this sensitive gay kid as he screamed and cried, and then cut off his hair, because he had too long hair for Mitt's tastes. And today Mitt's dog said, 'I thought I had it bad." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This is precisely the time when artists go to work (Pay no attention to the man behind the bronzer!)

“[Colbert imitating Donald Trump] Please remember, very important for all countries and businesses to know, nothing I say is true, pay no attention to the man behind the bronzer.” —Stephen Colbert

"If you need more proof that the president is no friend of Israel, just do the math. Back in 2007, President Bush supported Israel with $2.3 billion in foreign military aid. This year, President Obama wants to bring that down to just $3.1 billion. I know it looks like it's going up, but remember: in Hebrew you read charts from right to left." –Stephen Colbert

“To further muddy the waters on information, the coronavirus task force leader and man who has quarantined his mind from knowledge, Mike Pence, announced yesterday that health insurance companies had agreed to waive co-pays for corona testing and cover costs for treating the virus (this was apparently news to insurance companies). Oh what a cool idea. It’s like Medicare … but for all.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Especially the add where they claim their burgers have a wet a** patty (What are the odds?)

March 2023

A new trend among younger workers is Bare Minimum Monday, in which they do as little as possible on the first day of the work week. While a new trend among World War II veterans is realizing that their sacrifice meant nothing. —Colin Jost

Some owners of McDonald’s franchises are concerned about a campaign partnership with Cardi B. Especially the add where they claim their burgers have a wet ass patty. —Colin Jost

Donald Trump accused Ron DeSantis of wanting to cut Social Security and Medicare and called the Florida governor a wheelchair-over-the-cliff kind of guy. Wheelchair over the cliff is also how Melania will finally get rid of him. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

 

House resolution 302: Make Channing Tatum Wear a Shirt (anybody shout it out, no ideas are bad!)

February 2023

“We on the Late Show, honor the first day of Black History month, or as Ron DeSantis calls it, ‘month.’” —Stephen Colbert

“America’s debt ceiling, which some House Republicans are using to force major spending cuts on popular social programs such as social security and Medicare. It’s not clear why they would cut programs everybody loves the most. That seems … unpopular. Next up: House resolution 302: Make Channing Tatum Wear a Shirt.” —Stephen Colbert

“No longer committed to cutting social security of Medicaid, some House Republicans are still demanding spending cuts, but will no longer specify from where. So they’re holding us hostage, but they won’t tell us what the ransom is. It’s like a super-villain saying, ‘I will destroy Gotham with my heat ray, unless you give me … anybody shout it out, no ideas are bad!’” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Got his social security number. You know what it is? Three. (like Aristotle and Socrates)

"Well, more good news this week for John McCain. It seems he is now matching Barack Obama's fundraising numbers. But he does have a slight advantage. See, for every dollar McCain raises, Medicare matches it." --Jay Leno

 

"And John McCain and Barack Obama met last week for a forum on national service at Columbia University in New York. McCain said being on a college campus reminded him of all his old professors, like Aristotle and Socrates." --Jay Leno

"Well it's now being reported that in exchange for Hillary's support, if he is elected, Barack Obama will make Hillary Clinton a Supreme Court judge. Has he thought this through? You know the Clintons: if she gets on the Supreme Court, she could demand a recount and declare herself the winner. It's happened before." --Jay Leno

 

"In more serious news, big controversy last week after State Department officials looked at passport files of all three major candidates. Turns out, they got a hold of John McCain's Social Security number. Got his social security number. You know what it is? Three." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

For many of them, it will be, ‘he’s my dad!’ (which explains why Melania will live forever)

November 2022

“We all can breath a sigh of relief at the news that Democrats would keep control of the Senate following Catherine Cortez Masto’s victory in Nevada. Ah, turns out that ‘red wave’ was actually a blue splash, just as the maxi pad commercials foretold. Cortez Masto’s win means the Georgia runoff election will not determine control of the Senate, so Georgians will have to come up with a new reason to vote for Herschel Walker. For many of them, it will be, ‘he’s my dad!’” —Stephen Colbert

“After a disappointing midterms performance, Republicans are rolling up their sleeves and coming together to pick a scapegoat and hurl them down an elevator shaft. Right now, knives are out for Senate minority leader and clinically depressed pudding Mitch McConnell and the Florida senator Rick Scott. Republican candidates are mad at McConnell for not telling the voters what the GOP would do if they got control of the Senate. And they’re madder at Rick Scott for telling voters what they would do if they got control of the Senate. Specifically, Scott discussed cutting social security and Medicare, which probably scared older voters. Most shocking of all, some of the GOP blame is going to the person who actually deserves it. That would be Donald Trump, whom one Republican strategist blamed for picking conspiracists to run for office, saying: ‘The MyPillow-ization of the GOP has been a disaster.’ To which Mike Lindell responded: use promo code ‘GOP-Disaster for 20% your next pillow sham!” —Stephen Colbert

“It was an emotional weekend for Trump, because he gave away a daughter and the Senate on the same night. Many of the candidates Trump endorsed wound up losing. Everything Trump touches dies, which explains why Melania will live forever.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which explains why every book comes with a bottle of Pepto-Bismol and a straw (Of course they were very embarrassed)

A married couple in Louisiana was arrested after filming themselves having sex in a Walmart and a Burger King. Of course they were very embarrassed, so they told their friends it was a Target and a Wendy’s. –Jimmy Fallon

KFC just unveiled a sunscreen that smells like extra crispy fried chicken. So if you want to smell like KFC ... there’s a pretty good chance you already do. –Jimmy Fallon

Stormy Daniels has written a book about Donald Trump. An advance copy just came out. And she actually writes about her night with Trump in detail. Which explains why every book comes with a bottle of Pepto-Bismol and a straw. --Jimmy Fallon

"Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan had a campaign event at an apple orchard. There was one awkward moment when they told the granny smiths they were considering cutting their Medicare." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”