Thirty hissing possums in a barn

"Hey, this week was the season premiere of 'American Idol.' And this year people are able to nominate their talented friends who don't want to audition. Yeah, making someone try out for something they don't really want -- or as Republicans call that, 'the Romney plan.'" –Jimmy Fallon



"Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant on Wednesday asked state legislatures to declare President Obama's new gun control proposals 'illegal,' though I'm not sure if the Mississippi state legislature has that kind of power since it's just thirty hissing possums in a barn." –Seth Meyers



"Ann Romney has reportedly declined an offer to appear on this season's Dancing With The Stars. She's probably not a good fit for the show anyway, because I've heard of her." –Seth Meyers 

She'd rather stay home with the Biggest Loser

"Thousands of dead fish have now washed up on shore along the coast of South Carolina. Today the NRA said that this wouldn't have happened if those fish had guns." –Jay Leno



"Ann Romney, the wife of Mitt Romney, has reportedly turned down a chance to appear on 'Dancing With the Stars.' Apparently, she has something called 'self-respect. Actually, she says she loves to dance and is a big fan of the show, but she said she'd rather stay home with the Biggest Loser." –Jay Leno



"The director of 'Zero Dark Thirty' has come out against torture. And the director of 'Lincoln' has come out against going to the theater in 1865." –Conan O'Brien



The Tea Party is now divided between angry whites and even angrier whites

"General Petraeus is telling his friends he screwed up royally by having an affair with his biographer. Well, duh! If you want to keep an affair secret, don't have sex with the woman who's writing your life story." –Jay Leno 



"Since losing the election, Mitt Romney is reportedly bored. After hearing this, Ann Romney said, 'You're bored? I'm sitting around all day with Mitt Romney.'" –Conan O'Brien



"A lot of dissension among conservatives. One of the leaders of the Tea Party has resigned after a major split in the movement. The Tea Party is now divided between angry whites and even angrier whites." –Conan O'Brien



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Yeah, best money I ever spent

"Karl Rove said today that Obama was suppressing the vote. He was suppressing the vote with his nasty political ads. And Sarah Palin basically said the same thing on her Facebook page yesterday. She said Romney only lost because ads running in blue collar swing states defined Romney early on. Yeah, best money I ever spent." –Bill Maher, referring to the $1 million he gave to a pro-Obama Super PAC



"The Republicans are in full sour grapes mode. They lost because of Obama's dirty tactics, the biased media, and non-whites, and the promise of giveaways to takers. You know, if you scrubbed every inch of your house and something still smells like s**t, it's time to take a shower." –Bill Maher



"Mitt Romney arrived at his victory celebration in a 15-car Secret Service caravan. Of course, when you lose, the Secret Service dumps you immediately. So he had to hitch a ride home with his son. So there he is arriving in the 15-car motorcade and then he goes home in the back seat – Tagg driving, Ann riding shotgun, dog on the roof." –Bill Maher 

He just sits in a darkened room watching...

"I knew Obama was going to win. I knew this little secret. Use it next time there is an election and see if it doesn't work out. The guy who wins the presidential election is usually the guy who kills bin Laden." –David Letterman



"Two-term presidents is a pretty small club in the history of the United States. The only club smaller is Latinos for Romney. And then the only club smaller than that it Latino women for Romney" –David Letterman



"I have political insiders who tell me that Mitt Romney – and he seems like an upbeat guy -- is depressed. He just sits in a darkened room watching video tape of that first debate over and over and over." –David Letterman



"His wife Ann said, 'Mitt you got to cheer up. You know what will make you feel better. Go spend some time with your money.'" –David Letterman



He can still run for president of the Cayman Islands

"Actually I thought Mitt Romney was very gracious last night. He gave a very touching concession speech. And the good news for Romney is that he can still run for president of the Cayman Islands." –Jay Leno 

"After 18 months, the election is over. You know what made a big difference last night? The Hispanic vote. The president got 70 percent of the Hispanic vote in Colorado and Nevada. And in New Hampshire, Obama got the support of both Latino guys." –Conan O'Brien



"Mitt Romney did well with certain voters. It was close. He had the support of men, people over 45, and married women. In other words, Mitt Romney had the support of Mitt and Ann Romney." –Conan O'Brien



John Hulse photography

You can either vote for the guy who got rid of bin Laden or...

"Mitt Romney is such a different guy, Ann Romney says she no longer has to pretend she's making love to someone else." –Bill Maher



"I have to tell you, it worked. He shook the Etch-A-Sketch, reversed himself on everything, and now, according to the latest poll, twice as many people think Mitt Romney cares about them. They totally took him back. Today Chris Brown said, 'That mother**ker is good.'" –Bill Maher



"Your choice now is pretty clear. You can either vote for the guy who got rid of bin Laden or vote for the guy who wants to get rid of Big Bird." –David Letterman 

But it worked, so f*ck it!

"Ann Romney's entry into the bake-off was something called 'M&M Treats.' Sounds tasty. But some people said they came out boring and hard to swallow. I'm like, 'Oh, no, that's her husband.'" –Craig Ferguson 

"It's being reported that Mitt Romney's goal for tonight's debate is to make Barack Obama look like Jimmy Carter. Meanwhile, Barack Obama's goal is to make Mitt Romney look like Mitt Romney." –Conan O'Brien 

"Now you know me. I’m a staunch conservative and I condemn any Republican who distances themselves from everything he has said on the campaign trail. But it worked, so f*ck it.'" –Stephen Colbert, on Mitt Romney lying at the presidential debate



Yeah, especially when they have feet of their own

"Ann Romney says that if Mitt is elected she would worry about his mental health. Well, there's a ringing endorsement." –David Letterman 



"Arnold Schwarzenegger gave an interview to '60 Minutes' last night. In the interview, Arnold says you can't run from your mistakes. Yeah, especially when they have feet of their own." –Jay Leno



"Florida election officials say at least 10 counties have identified suspicious and possibly fraudulent voter registration forms. And they were turned in by a firm working for the Republican Party of Florida. I guess they got suspicious when they realized most of the votes were for Bob Dole." –Jay Leno 

Romney claims 47 percent of Americans as dependents

"Mitt Romney on Friday released his 2011 tax returns, which showed he paid 14 percent rate, so just a little less than what restaurants add on for parties of six or more." –Seth Meyers



"The 14 percent tax rate Romney paid is less than the 20 percent paid by the average American. How does he pay such a low rate? He claims 47 percent of Americans as dependents." –Seth Meyers



"In an interview Thursday, Ann Romney responded to criticism of her husband's presidential campaign, saying, 'Stop it. This is hard. You want to try it? Get in the ring.' In response, the interviewer entered the race, and is leading Mitt Romney by five points." –Seth Meyers



George W. Bush would know what to do

"A lot of Republicans are blaming Obama for all of this unrest in the Middle East. Right, you know what, if we were attacked in Egypt, Libya, and Yemen, George Bush would know what to do. Invade Iraq." –Bill Maher



"Mitt Romney went on live with Kelly and Michael and tried to answer these hardball questions. He was asked what he wears to bed. He said, 'as little as possible." Wow, there's a switch, Romney giving too much information." –Bill Maher



"He told us all about their sex life. Sometimes he and Ann turn off the lights and play 'find my tax returns.'" –Bill Maher

Ann Romney said the same thing about Mitt's first helicopter

"If Mitt Romney looks familiar it's because for 18 years on All My Children he played Palmer Courtland." –David Letterman



"Mitt looks like every model in the Sky Mall catalogue." –David Letterman

"Michelle Obama said the first car Barack picked her up in was so old, you could see ground below them. Today, Ann Romney said the same thing about Mitt's first helicopter." –Conan O'Brien



"It's been reported that one of the surprise speakers at the Democratic convention is going to be Scarlett Johansson. For her speech , she'll be talking to an empty chair and telling it, 'Hey, my eyes are up here!" –Conan O'Brien



John Hulse painting

He just doesn't want us to know how good he's had it

"In his speech last night, San Antonio Mayor Julian Castro said that Mitt Romney has no idea how good he's had it. I don't think that's true. I think Mitt Romney knows how good he's had it. He just doesn't want us to know how good he's had it." –Jay Leno



"Apparently last week the Republicans had originally planned to have a Ronald Reagan three-dimensional hologram speak at the Republican convention. They decided against it. I guess they were concerned that Reagan would come across as more life-like that Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno



"Last week at the Republican convention, no one mentioned the Tea Party. And listen to this, if it wasn't for Ann Romney, no one at the Republican convention would have mentioned Mitt." –David Letterman



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If you work hard and apply yourself, there is nothing you can't marry

"Ann Romney was appealing to women for the women's vote, and she said she was living proof that if you work hard and apply yourself, there is nothing you can't marry." –Bill Maher



"Ann Romney was telling details of their personal life. She said that when she and Mitt were young, 'He was nice to my parents, but really glad when my parents weren't around.' And with his Medicare plan, they won't be." –Bill Maher



"If your party can run the nation for eight years, and then have a national convention and not invite Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Colin Powell, Karl Rove or Tom DeLay, you’re not a political movement. You’re the witness protection program." –Bill Maher

John Hulse painting

And then there was the 622 times he said the word 'ham.'

"I thought Mitt Romney's wife Ann did a good job at the Republican convention. During her speech, she said after they got married, she and Mitt lived in a basement. It was a 2-room basement on the French Riviera." –Conan O'Brien



"Chris Christie gave the keynote address. In his speech he said the word 'I' 37 times, 'Romney' 7 times, and 'jobs' only once. And then there was the 622 times he said the word 'ham.'" –Conan O'Brien



"John McCain was at the convention. He just wandered out on stage in his bathrobe." –David Letterman 

John Hulse painting

Then the Romney family dog gave the rebuttal

"Ann Romney spoke last night. I thought she was quite eloquent. Analysts say her role was to show that Mitt has a tender side. And then the Romney family dog gave the rebuttal." –Jay Leno



"Hurricane Isaac turned out to be not much of a threat to the Republican convention. But to their credit, the Republicans had a contingency plan. If the hurricane did hit hard, delegates were instructed to evacuate to Mitt Romney's tax shelter." –Jay Leno
 




John Hulse painting

It was beat by a smooth-talking socialist horse from Kenya

"Tough Olympic news for the Romneys. Ann Romney's horse Rafalka did not advance to the Olympic finals. Apparently it was beat by a smooth-talking socialist horse from Kenya." –Conan O'Brien 

"Mitt Romney is hoping to energize Republicans by announcing Paul Ryan as his running mate. Seriously? That's like trying to spice up a bowl of oatmeal with more oatmeal." –Jimmy Fallon



"During the announcement, Mitt Romney said that he and Paul Ryan are 'America's Comeback Team.' You know, as in 'come back in four years and try again.'" –Jimmy Fallon 

John Hulse painting

If there's one thing that family needs, it's more gold

"Mitt Romney is claiming he’s going to create 12 million jobs in his first term. But he hasn’t said yet if he’ll create them in China or India.” –Conan O'Brien



"The Romneys have a horse competing in the Olympics. Ann Romney's horse failed to win a medal in the dressage event today, which is a shame because if there's one thing that family needs, it's more gold." –Conan O'Brien



"Romney's Olympic horse is named Rafalco. She said I needed a silly name that no one's ever heard of before and Mitt was taken." –Conan O'Brien



John Hulse painting

1000 Places To Offend People Before You Die

"All in all a successful trip. Best of all, Romney has checked three countries off the list of '1000 Places To Offend People Before You Die.'" –Stephen Colbert



"Like Palin, Rafalca's female, also doesn't read newspapers, and has completed the same number of terms as governor." –Stephen Colbert, on Ann Romney's horse that competed in the Olympic Dressage event



"Some people are saying that the reason Michael Phelps isn't doing so well is because he let himself get too out of shape. I just have to say that I have been watching the Olympics, and if that guy is out of shape, I have been dead for five years." –Conan O'Brien 

John Hulse painting

Idiots have infiltrated the highest levels of the federal government

"During a fundraiser a country club in Mississippi, Mitt Romney said the GOP is a party focused on helping the poor. See, his wife Ann is right, he is funny. He can make jokes." –Jay Leno 

"A new CBS poll found that 47 percent of voters are supporting Mitt Romney, while 46 percent support Obama. Well, it makes sense, because if Romney wins, it's definitely going to be thanks to the one percent." –Jimmy Fallon 

"Congresswoman Michele Bachmann wants an investigation as to whether Islamists have infiltrated the highest levels of the federal government. You know what's really frightening? After listening to Michele Bachmann, you realize idiots have infiltrated the highest levels of the federal government." –Jay Leno



John Hulse painting