It’s gonna be a long party. Go slow. (Smokey is way more intense in person)

I like rice. Rice is great when you are really hungry and you want 2,000 of something. --Mitch Hedberg

My friends and I took acid and went into the woods. Because it’s less likely that you’ll run into an authority figure in the woods. Well we ran into a bear which was even more of a buzzkill. My friend Dewayne was standing there raising his right hand swearing to help prevent forest fires. We got away from the bear and Dewayne put his arm around my shoulder he said, “Mitch, Smokey is way more intense in person.” —Mitch Hedberg

A lot of radio stations, they like to use  frequency numbers to count down the days of summer. Like FM 107 will celebrate 107 days of summer. You know AM stations can't do this. We are AM 1610 celebrating the sixteen-hundred and ten days of the next four and a half years. It’s gonna be a long party. Go slow. —Mitch Hedberg

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I've never had a chance to check the show out myself. Because frankly, I don't own a radio.

"I am just going to spill my guts here for a second. Ladies and gentlemen, last night on my show, you know, I came out, jumped around like a chimp like I normally do, and then I said something on my show regarding the presidential campaign of Mike Huckabee [on screen: past clip of O'Brien explaining that because he made Chuck Norris popular again, Mike Huckabee became popular]. It's just simple, simple logic. 

Now I've made this claim for the last several weeks, and it's been overwhelmingly accepted by the media and by political pundits across the country. 'Conan Made Huckabee' is now even a popular bumper sticker outselling 'No Fat Chicks' by 3 to 1. So, you know, I've been in a good mood lately. I'm a kingmaker. I'm changing the course of history. This morning, I come to work, my entire staff is buzzing about some comments made by Stephen Colbert. Now, I've always heard very nice things about his show and about him. I've never had a chance to check the show out myself. Because frankly, I don't own a radio. But the word on the street is that he's a very good man. 

Okay? So imagine my shock and surprise when Colbert spoke directly to me on his show last night and said the following [on screen: Colbert saying, 'Let's make this straight, Conan O'Brien. I made Mike Huckabee. I made him in my own image and surely as I fashioned him from dust and breathed life into his nostrils']. What the hell is he talking about? He made Huckabee? Who does this guy think he is? Now, I don't want to get into the gutter here, but my good name has been besmirched and I need to to unsmirch it." --Conan O'Brien