Can't I just give them 30 bucks? (the maximum per astronaut is two suitcases)

 More than 30 men have been busted for allegedly buying sex from a high-end brothel in Boston that charged up to $600 an hour. That's like 10 bucks a minute. Can't I just give them 30 bucks? —Greg Gutfeld

The all female Blue Origin crew is preparing for their trip into space. They’re only going into space for 11 minutes so the maximum per astronaut is two suitcases. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

It’s gonna be a long party. Go slow. (Smokey is way more intense in person)

A lot of radio stations, they like to use a frequency number to count down the days of summer. Like FM 107 will celebrate 107 days of summer. You know AM stations can't do this. We are AM 1610 celebrating the sixteen-hundred and ten days of the next four and a half years. It’s gonna be a long party. Go slow. —Mitch Hedberg

My friends and I took acid and went into the woods. Because it’s less likely that you’ll run into an authority figure in the woods. Well we ran into a bear which was even more of a buzzkill. My friend Dewayne was standing there raising his right hand swearing to help prevent forest fires. We got away from the bear and Dewayne put his arm around my shoulder he said, “Mitch, Smokey is way more intense in person.” —Mitch Hedberg

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If Bush could run again in the next presidential election, he'd get beaten by the bird flu (smaller barrels)

 

"Even President Bush is starting to get worried about this economy being out of control, you know. I mean, gold is over $1,000 an ounce. Oil, $1,100 a barrel. Hookers, $5,000 an hour." --Jay Leno

"President Bush approval rating: all-time low. 31%. If Bush could run again in the next presidential election, he'd get beaten by the bird flu." --Jay Leno

"Lots of people are returning gifts this week, and that's just Congressmen. Even President Bush returned $6,000 given to him by that creepy Jack Abramoff guy. But Bush said he hadn't done anything with the money. In fact, it still had the original strings attached." --Jay Leno

 

"President Bush announced his plan to increase the number of barrels of oil produced. Have you heard of his plan? He wants to make smaller barrels." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You may be about to become the English language's most offensive C-word (Resting Birch Face)

"We have nothing to fear but fear itself...and of course the boogieman."--Pat Paulsen (1968)

"All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian."--Pat Paulsen (1968)

"Congratulations, Congress! 77% disapproval rating! You may be about to become the English language's most offensive C-word." –John Oliver

The best blood will sometimes get into a fool or a mosquito. --Austin O'Malley

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The good news is, I’m ready to operate on your baby’s brain again! (I know. More cheese.)

Today, Dr. Ben Carson dropped out of the presidential race after a dismal and ineffective campaign. He said, "The good news is, I’m ready to operate on your baby’s brain again!" –Conan O’Brien

Last night, Marco Rubio won his first state with a victory in the Minnesota primary. It was such a big night, Rubio’s parents let him stay up and watch the returns come in. –Conan O’Brien

"People from all 50 states and 14 foreign countries have donated pizzas to the protesters in Wisconsin. Someone asked, 'How can we fix things in Wisconsin?' and someone else said, 'I know. More cheese.'" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

which explains why there's been so much food in New Jersey lately (It's the Taco Bell of breaking news)

May 2013

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie revealed that back in February he had a secret lap-band surgery, which explains why there's been so much food in New Jersey lately." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Lap-band surgery is said to be slower than other procedures. Typically, patients lose one to two pounds a week. Which means the governor could be down to a healthy weight in about 100 years." –Jimmy Kimmel 

"Over the weekend, Arnold's son Patrick Schwarzenegger was kicked out of a nightclub in Hollywood. Apparently, Patrick threatened the DJ. It was a chaotic scene. Security rushed in and said, 'Which one of you is Schwarzenegger's kid?' And 50 people raised their hands." –Craig Ferguson

"Folks, this is the best kind of political story. We have no idea what's in it, and it's going to be explosive. It's the Taco Bell of breaking news." –Stephen Colbert on the House hearings on Benghazi

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”