MSNBC is happy to report they found a replacement for their 7 p.m. time slot (Heaven gained another angel today)

A wild brawl broke out at the Spirit Airlines gate at the Atlanta airport. As punishment every Spirit passenger was allowed to board their flight. —Greg Gutfeld

A Connecticut man who ate parts of another man that he murdered, has been granted supervised release from a mental hospital. While citizens are outraged, MSNBC is happy to report they found a replacement for their 7 p.m. time slot. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The working poor are the major philanthropists of our society (Wait, Wait, Don’t Eat Me)

Disney theme parks have introduced a new Lightning Lane ticket that allows people to skip lines for almost $500 a person. Nice try Disney, but I'm sticking with my trusty wheelchair. —Colin Jost     

Actor Armie Hammer is launching a new podcast aimed at rehabilitating his image after accusations of cannibalism, so be sure to check out Armie Hammer on Wait, Wait, Don’t - Eat Me. —Colin Jost    

Kamala Harris made the closing arguments in her campaign, delivering a speech with the white House in the background. And if you zoom in real close, you can see Joe Biden tied up inside. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

historically, people who take on the Teamsters end up with season tickets to Giants Stadium … underneath the end zone (I will eat their delicious face)

Senator Markwayne Mullin, Republican of Oklahoma, challenged Sean M. O’Brien, the president of the International Brotherhood of Teamsters, to a physical fight during a Senate committee hearing on Tuesday. If there’s going to be a fight, I’d like to warn that senator: You look pretty big, but, historically, people who take on the Teamsters end up with season tickets to Giants Stadium … underneath the end zone. — Stephen Colbert

Donald Trump has long toyed with the language of fascism, but is now openly cribbing from Hitler and Mussolini. In response to such comparisons, Trump’s team released a statement: “Those who try to make that ridiculous assertion are clearly snowflakes grasping for anything … and their entire existence will be crushed when President Trump returns to the White House.” To that I offer an addendum: ‘Furthermore, anyone who says I’m a cannibal is a liar, and if they say it again, I will eat their delicious face.’ — Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Wow! What a catch — nobody move! (Get out of the way if you want to live!)

Scientists have invented a way for you to change channels on your TV with gestures. Yeah, it’s great for people who like watching sports completely still. “Wow! What a catch — nobody move! Oh, now we’re watching Lifetime.” –Jimmy Fallon

On Friday, Arnold Schwarzenegger was stopped in Germany by a police officer for riding a bicycle through a train station. Schwarzenegger may have gone unnoticed if he hadn't been frantically ringing the bell and shouting, "Get out of the way if you want to live!" –Jimmy Fallon

Next month Delta will begin opening company spas at certain airports so that employees can get a massage. And if passengers want a massage, they can just leave their keys in their pockets when they go through security. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It didn’t rise to the level of cannibalism (That's the neat thing. We don't)

“Overall, it’s clear that Donald Trump’s defense team isn’t even denying that he did what he’s accused of, they just say it doesn’t rise to the level of impeachment, which is like Jeffery Dahmer arguing it didn’t rise to the level of cannibalism.” —Jimmy Kimmel

Meanwhile, in our nation’s capital, our elected officials had a late night of work. After seven hours of debating, they voted to approve a resolution that would rid the country eventually of Obamacare. Can you imagine, the senators finally worked until 1:30 in the morning, and it was for this? How would Congress like it if we all met in the middle of the night and voted to take THEIR healthcare away? –Jimmy Kimmel

"The star of the debate was Herman Cain. He didn't talk much because the debate was about national defense and his area of expertise is pizza." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the liberal media used two of its favorite tricks on her: 'Record' and 'Play.' ($400 kneeling shoes)

According to Ivana Trump’s new book, President Trump once left his son Donald Trump Jr. stranded on a tarmac after he was five minutes late for a flight. Even worse, Eric’s been in an overhead bin for the last two years. –Seth Meyers

"Delaware Republican senate candidate Christine O'Donnell blamed her campaign's recent troubles on unfair coverage in the "liberal media." Yup, the liberal media used two of its favorite tricks on her: 'Record' and 'Play.'" –Seth Meyers

After President Trump called for pro-athletes to be fired if they didn't stand for the national anthem, Nike released a statement yesterday in support of "athletes and their right to freedom of expression." Then they introduced a new line of $400 "kneeling shoes." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They allowed Ukrainians to capture their greatest weapon: truck full of onions (Love is Blindfolded and Thrown into a Van)

March 2022

“Day 19 of Russia’s war in Ukraine, and things are going nyet bueno for Putin; Russia has gained limited territory and suffered heavy losses in personnel and equipment. According to one report, Russians were so confident of a swift victory that instead of bringing extra ammunition or rations into Ukraine, they brought dress uniforms for a victory parade. Kinda jumped the gun guys. That’s like scheduling your first Tinder date at the altar.” —Stephen Colbert

“According to reports, desperate Russians have taken to breaking into supermarkets and shops, and raiding homes in search of food and valuables as their own supply lines have failed. Reminder: they’re just 90 miles from their home bases. That’s like driving from New York to Philly and turning cannibal at Trenton.” —Stephen Colbert

“With his invasion going poorly, Putin has only one man to blame: anyone but him, there are reports that Russian spy chiefs have been placed under house arrest. That’s right, they’re stuck at home with nothing to do except watch the popular Russian reality show Love is Blindfolded and Thrown into a Van.” —Stephen Colbert

“Putin has also reportedly fired generals in response to his invasion losses. Of course he fired them! They allowed Ukrainians to capture their greatest weapon: truck full of onions.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That would have changed Thanksgiving, don't you think? (How am I supposed to make my meth?)

May 2013

"An elementary school here in New York City has become the first school in the country to serve only vegetarian food. Apparently the school board wants to give kids a head start in being difficult at restaurants." –Jimmy Fallon

"So they're handing out hussy pills to 15-year-old girls like Chicklets, but I still need to show my passport and provide a DNA sample to buy some damned Sudafed. How am I supposed to make my meth?" –Stephen Colbert

"Researchers now believe the first settlers who settled in America, in Jamestown, resorted to cannibalism. The first settlers ate each other. Good thing that didn't catch on. That would have changed Thanksgiving, don't you think?" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That’s like Jeffrey Dahmer calling his cannibalism a ‘whoops-a-nibble.’ (Hey Look. Russia!)

May 2021

“Uh-oh, Matt Gaetz is screwed, and this time he doesn’t have to Venmo anyone, because his old buddy Greenberg has now publicly admitted to paying women for commercial sex acts for himself and other men. Commercial sex acts makes it sound like there were sponsors, and nothing kills the mood like being mid-action and having to stop for: ‘This coke-fueled orgy, brought to you by ZipRecruiter, the No. 1 resource for hiring talent, other than sliding into their DMs.’” —Stephen Colbert

“Yikes, I’d say Matt Gaetz should lay low for a while, but no matter how low he lays, you can still see the top of his head. He’d make a terrible Whac-a-Mole.” —Seth Meyers

“Now, we don’t know what this means for Matt Gaetz yet, but he could be charged any minute. Just ask this actual plane banner someone flew over the courthouse today, reading, ‘Tick tock Matt Gaetz.’ Which is ironic, since TikTok is where he finds most of his dates.” —Stephen Colbert

“Gaetz, for his part, doesn’t seem to get what all the fuss is about. On Saturday, he told a crowd of Republican activists, ‘I’m being falsely accused of exchanging money for naughty favors.’ Naughty favors? Spoken like a man who doesn’t really grasp the severity of having sex with a minor. That’s like Jeffrey Dahmer calling his cannibalism a ‘whoops-a-nibble.’” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Would the prosecution please slather themselves in honey mustard and approach the bench? (the rabble is supposed to stay home)

February 2021

“The ongoing pandemic, its requisite social isolation and an uncertain economic environment have contributed to a real phenomenon of pandemic paranoia, according to experts. But that’s not paranoia, that’s normal human fear. If you cry at a birthday party when the clown comes out, that’s a phobia. If you’re one of the kids in It, it’s reasonable to avoid the sewer system.” —Stephen Colbert

“Also feeding the paranoia? Disinformation, such as the election fraud conspiracies and lies undergirding the January 6th assault of the US Capitol. To understand the root of the deadly riot, which killed five Capitol police officers, injured dozens more and threatened the lives of lawmakers, the Senate held investigative hearings on Tuesday. It was a dubious investigation, since the questioners included the Missouri senator Josh Hawley and the Texas senator Ted Cruz, who both supported challenging the certification of Joe Biden’s electoral victory. That’s like having a cannibalism trial presided over by Judge Hannibal Lecter. [Colbert as Hannibal Lecter] ‘Would the prosecution please slather themselves in honey mustard and approach the bench?’” —Stephen Colbert

“And beyond a lack of resources, there’s distrust of government medical advice rooted in decades of racist mistreatment, from pseudoscience to non-consensual medical research. This is why so many black people are suspicious of the medical community, because that community has betrayed them again, and again, and again. And you’re not gonna trust people who’ve betrayed you that many times – unless you’re Mike Pence. But unfortunately, this mistrust actually hurts black people, because these vaccines are safe. Believe me on this – white people would never let Martha Stewart get one if it was dangerous.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Nice try, your honor, but I don’t even work at White Castle anymore (And we’re off!)

February 2021

“The disgraced former president’s team argued that he cannot be convicted by the Senate, because he is no longer in office. So, OK, once you leave a job, you’re immune from prosecution? ‘Cannibalism? Nice try, your honor, but I don’t even work at White Castle anymore.’” —Stephen Colbert

“On the very first page of Trump’s first legal filing, they wrote, ‘to the honorable members of the Unites States Senate.’ They misspelled ‘United States.’ And we’re off!” —Jimmy Kimmel

“There was actually a typo on the first page of the Trump brief, but I’m sure it was a long, complicated legal term. Nope, it’s just — just the name of our country, that’s it.” —Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

O.J. is at home going, "I agree with that." (it didn’t rise to the level of cannibalism)

“Mitch McConnell and Senate Republicans keep saying that they’re following the template established by the Clinton trial two decades ago even though this trial is very different. Bill Clinton had sex with one person, Donald Trump screwed a whole country.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Some Trump team members have gone as far as to encourage forgetting the past altogether: ‘What happened in the past, we should just ignore,’ Trump’s lawyer Jay Sekulow said. Right. OJ is at home going, I agree with that.’” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Overall, it’s clear that Trump’s defense team isn’t even denying that he did what he’s accused of, they just say it doesn’t rise to the level of impeachment, which is like Jeffery Dahmer arguing it didn’t rise to the level of cannibalism.” —Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Her delicious, delicious children (Church Camp Hookups)

A man in Europe went to the hospital for a routine procedure and was mistakenly given a circumcision instead. It sounds bad but he’s lucky. Europeans usually don’t leave a tip. --Michael Che, SNL

A woman in Utah survived after her SUV got stuck in the snow and mud for nearly a week. The woman said she couldn’t have made it without her children. Her delicious, delicious children. --Michael Che, SNL

This week marked the tenth anniversary of the same-sex dating app Grindr, which has all but replaced the old way of finding discreet gay hookups, Church Camp. --Michael Che, SNL

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

In 1672, a mob of angry Dutch killed and ate their Prime Minister (I was wearing Speedos, of course)

"Over the weekend, there were huge marches to protest Arizona's new immigration law. If you don't know, Arizona's new law says police have to ask anyone for immigration papers if reasonable suspicion can be found that they're in the country illegally. But what's reasonable suspicion? One Arizona lawmaker said, 'Illegal immigrants are easy to spot because of their clothes.' Really? I know it was obvious with me when I got off the plane because I was wearing Speedos, of course." –Craig Ferguson

"Happy Cinco de Mayo. If you don't know what that means, maybe you're a little out of touch — or maybe you're the governor of Arizona." –Craig Ferguson

"A lot of the U.S. used to be part of Mexico, including Arizona. But they're a bit touchy about that right now." –Craig Ferguson

"I don't drink anymore for Cinco de Mayo. I celebrate with Mexican food, or as it's known in Mexico: 'food.'" –Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Don't worry, I'm building an ark. And Mexico is going to pay for it (Eating your Prime Minister)

Everyone is preparing for Hurricane Florence as it heads toward the East Coast. Today in the Oval Office, Trump spoke about the storm. He really knows what he's talking about: [Trump clip] "They haven't seen anything like what's coming at us in 25, 30 years. Maybe ever. It's tremendously big and tremendously wet." [Imitating Trump] "Don't worry, I'm building an ark. And Mexico is going to pay for it." --Jimmy Fallon

Republican officials are worried that Ted Cruz will lose his re-election campaign because he's not likable enough — especially compared to his opponent, Beto O'Rourke. And they might be right about his likability. Look at the way both candidates answer some basic questions. When asked, "What do you like to do in your spare time?" O'Rourke said, "Play guitar." Ted Cruz said, "Organize my documents." --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

It's hard for us civilians to understand the kind of sacrifice it takes for a congressman to respond to a Washington Post article (Options. Just sayin')

"Those brave Americans who put themselves in harm's way. I'm talking, of course, about the members of Congress who toured Walter Reed last week. Someone had to have the courage to walk through that hospital and then have the press document their disapproval. These folks have been fighting to improve the conditions for our wounded soldiers ever since the very beginning of two weeks ago. It's hard for us civilians to understand the kind of sacrifice it takes for a congressman to respond to a Washington Post article, so let me put this into perspective for you: They can't just look out their window to see what's happening at Walter Reed. No, they have to get into a car. Walter Reed hospital is more than six miles from the Capitol. Getting to Walter Reed from the Capitol is a march through hell, that evidently takes more than four years to make." --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Sound it out, Betsy. You can do it (Dutch mobs and cannibalism)

Yesterday was Easter and April Fool's. Which makes sense because Easter was the day when Jesus came back and was like, "April fool's!" --Jimmy Fallon

This morning, the White House hosted their annual Easter Egg Roll. When President Trump first heard there were a bunch of bunnies on the front lawn, he told his lawyer to pay them off. --Jimmy Fallon

At the same event, Education Secretary Betsy DeVos read a book to a group of little kids. It was a sweet moment when one of the kids said, "Sound it out, Betsy. You can do it." --Jimmy Fallon

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

By moral standards, he was a self-righteous landfill of angry garbage (madness and cannibalism)

They celebrated O’Reilly’s career, saying, “By ratings standards, Bill O’Reilly is one of the most accomplished TV personalities in the history of cable news.” By rating stands he is. By moral standards, he was a self-righteous landfill of angry garbage. –Stephen Colbert

Huge election last night in Georgia’s 6th District. It was an unusual election. It was what’s called a “jungle primary,” because like every election this year, it will probably end in madness and cannibalism. –Stephen Colbert

Sure enough, Ossoff only got 48.1 percent of the vote. If he had gotten over 50 percent of the vote, he would have won outright, but he got less than the majority, so now I think he gets to be president of the United States. Is that how it works? –Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats