In fact, isn't that how it's supposed to work? (That’s what YOU think)

One of the big stories about the Cubs is the so-called “Curse of the Billy Goat,” which occurred back in the '40s when they turned a fan and his pet goat away because goats aren’t allowed in the ballpark. Or as hot dog vendors put it, “That’s what YOU think.” –Jimmy Fallon

"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie has canceled a train tunnel between New York and New Jersey. As a result, New Yorkers will have to get to New Jersey the same as they always have — by accident." –Jimmy Fallon

The Cubs are going to the World Series for the first time in 71 years! And if you remember the last time the Cubs were in the World Series, congratulations on staying up this late. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Best I can do is a cop or a warmonger (Moneybags McPantsuit)

Last night President Trump returned home from his trip to Finland. Trump walked into the White House and immediately texted Putin that he got home safe. --Jimmy Fallon

"Two teams are left in the World Cup. Yesterday Argentina beat the Netherlands on penalty kicks after both teams went scoreless. That's right, the game was decided by penalty kicks. People hadn't seen that many kicks since Beyoncé's sister got into an elevator with Jay-Z." –Jimmy Fallon

Over on the Democratic side, Bernie Sanders gave a 23-minute speech at a conference last week after he endorsed Hillary Clinton, but he didn’t mention her by name. Though people had a pretty good idea who he was referring to when he mentioned “Moneybags McPantsuit.” –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If that doesn't get people to start watching soccer, nothing will (88%)

June 2014

"I guess now Dick Cheney knows what it feels like when someone you thought was a friend shoots you in the face." --Jon Stewart on Fox News' Megyn Kelly calling out Cheney for being wrong on Iraq

"It was not a great weekend for the American soccer fan. We're still recovering from a draw with Portugal, 2-2. It was a long game, four points total, and America didn't win. If that doesn't get people to start watching soccer, nothing will." –Craig Ferguson 

"People are disappointed by the World Cup match. I haven't seen this much disappointment since they announced Ben Affleck was playing Batman. Since Justin Bieber avoided jail. Since Honey Boo Boo's family went to a vegan restaurant. Since Whole Foods in L.A. ran out of kale." –Craig Ferguson

"A tie in the World Cup puts the U.S. in a tough spot because the next game isn't until Thursday, so people in L.A. have to pretend to care about soccer for another 72 hours." –Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

She said she'd rather stay home with the Biggest Loser (this wouldn't have happened if those fish had guns)

"Ann Romney, the wife of Mitt Romney, has reportedly turned down a chance to appear on 'Dancing With the Stars.' Apparently, she has something called 'self-respect. Actually, she says she loves to dance and is a big fan of the show, but she said she'd rather stay home with the Biggest Loser." –Jay Leno

"Thousands of dead fish have now washed up on shore along the coast of South Carolina. Today the NRA said that this wouldn't have happened if those fish had guns." –Jay Leno

"Republicans and Democrats are working on a new bill to streamline the healthcare system. It will reduce the cost of mammograms and prostate exams. But don't worry. They'll still be free at the airport." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry  

 

Check out how epic this is! (Likely made of Spam)

January 2022

“Ted Cruz appeared on Tucker Carlson’s Fox News show last week, apologizing for referring to the events of Jan. 6 as terrorism. Wow, I knew Ted had a thing for self-humiliation, but that is next-level. Imagine begging for forgiveness from a cable news host while he sits there with that look he always has on his face like he’s trying to remember the name of the other guy from Wham.” —Seth Meyers

“That clip was like watching one of those dumb cable news segments where a reporter willingly gets Tasered just to show everyone how bad it is.” —Seth Meyers

“I also like how Cruz finds a way to mention in that clip that he texted Tucker like they’re good pals. Unfortunately for Ted, any time he tries to text or call someone, it comes up as ‘Spam likely’ — or, in his case, ‘Likely made of Spam.’” —Seth Meyers

“And yet, this debacle keeps getting worse for Cruz because he proudly tweeted out the clip of himself groveling, which is a little like posting a video of yourself landing nards-first on a handrail during a skateboard fail with the caption, ‘Check out how epic this is.’” —Seth Meyers

“And look, we all know Ted Cruz has a thing for self-humiliation. He slinked back from Cancún after escaping a blackout in his state. He endorsed Donald Trump after Trump insulted his wife and his father, and took that infamous photo where he made campaign calls for Trump, looking like Jack Lemmon in ‘Glengarry Glenn Ross.’ And he keeps showing up in public with that facial hair looking like a Chewbacca who shaved everything but the beard.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You can read more about it in this month’s issue of Unhelpful Advice magazine (they started smoking methajuana)

January 2022

“Republican senators said the press conference wasn’t a good idea, so instead Trump will just spend a quiet day dancing to ‘Y.M.C.A.’ at home.” —James Corden

“There’s an update in the world of Covid: Everyone in the world has Covid.” —Stephen Colbert

“Speaking of, the C.D.C. announced that after you isolate for five days with Covid, you should take a rapid test if you have access to one. You can read more about it in this month’s issue of Unhelpful Advice magazine.” —Jimmy Fallon

“The first reports of the so-called ‘flurona’, a combination of the flu and the coronavirus (or just having both at the same time) have been reported. Americans are so stressed they started smoking methajuana.” —Jimmy Fallon

“And in lighter news, New York’s governor, Kathy Hochul, permanently legalized to-go cocktails in New York City this week. Then she said the same exact thing five minutes later. New Yorkers are like, ‘Look, governor, if you think you’re just going to win us over – what? We love you.’” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry 

 

a lonely guy finally losing his virginity, but only because he fell into the gorilla pit at the zoo (on MY health)

November 2021

“The Supreme Court is hearing the case on the extreme Texas abortion ban, which authorizes private citizens to report on and sue anyone who provides or abets an abortion. The measure, signed by Texas’s Republican governor and designed by conservative lawmakers, could run into trouble with the court’s conservative justices for trying to evade federal law. 

On Monday, Justice Brett Kavanaugh, who was appointed by Trump, theorized that a similar measure could be used in left-leaning states to offer a $1 Million bounty against those who sell an assault rifle, and claim it wasn’t using state power because only private parties could bring the suits. Uh oh, looks like the conservative justices are gonna have to choose what they care more about: guns or fetuses? 

And this is tough. That is, unless … what if women gave birth to guns! That’s it! We just make women give birth to guns, then everybody wins. On a more serious note, this really shows you how bullshit this law is. Because banning abortion has been the goal for conservatives for what, four decades now? 

But even they aren’t willing to do it like this. It would be like a lonely guy finally losing his virginity, but only because he fell into the gorilla pit at the zoo. It’s not what he wanted.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

No, no, it’s definitely Johnson (now you have The Avengers)

October 2021

“Let’s kick things off with the topic on everyone’s mind: vaccine booster shots. They’re like a butt lift for your immune system. And one thing people are wondering about is whether they should mix and match their shots, because maybe vaccines are like superheroes. Sure, Iron Man can save your life, but if you follow him up with Captain America, now you have the Avengers.” —Trevor Noah

“This is kind of like mixing alcoholic beverages — you can do it, but should you? Just remember the rule of thumb: Moderna before Pfizer, always wiser. Pfizer before Moderna, some concern-a.” —James Corden

“The government is careful to say they would not recommend one shot over another. They’re like parents talking to their kids about college: ‘Hey, pick whatever major makes you happy, as long as it’s not poetry or Johnson & Johnson.’” —Stephen Colbert

“Clearly, someone at the company has to be held accountable for this. Personally, I blame Johnson. Then again, maybe it was Johnson I should blame? No, no, it’s definitely Johnson.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Lenin and the Bolsheviks is also my favorite Russian skiffle band (that's what I love about our country)

September 2013

"Republican leaders have agreed to support President Obama's plan to attack Syria. See, that's what I love about our country. The only time Republicans and Democrats can agree on something is when it's time to bomb somebody." –Jay Leno

"If President Obama really wants to hurt the Syrian government, don't send cruise missiles. He should send over some of his economic advisers." –Jay Leno 

"The G-20 summit is being held in St. Petersburg, which used to be the Russian capital. But Lenin and the Bolsheviks felt it was too vulnerable, so they moved the capital to Moscow. Lenin and the Bolsheviks is also my favorite Russian skiffle band." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the dumpster behind the discount dildo shop (the best prison basketball team of all time)

October 2021

“The Senate Judiciary Committee released a new report on Thursday, titled Subverting Justice: How the Former President and His Allies Pressured D.O.J. to Overturn the 2020 Election. So far, I’ve only read the title page, and it seems to be about how the former president and his allies pressured D.O.J. to overturn the 2020 election.” —Stephen Colbert

“The Senate report on the attempt to overturn the election, may allege that President Trump wanted the acting attorney general, Jeffrey Rosen, to meet with Rudy Giuliani to look at options. That’s a tough sell. They would have to meet next to the dumpster behind the discount dildo shop.” —Stephen Colbert

“There are 18 former NBA players charged with conspiracy to commit health fraud. Why are we surprised? Pretending to be hurt is a huge part of playing in the NBA. It’s gonna be great news for whatever jail is about to get the best prison basketball team of all time.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In other words, watch your back, middle of the Pacific Ocean (The definition of Sin)

January 2013

"The Pentagon has allowed women to serve in combat. Yeah, the hope is that we can now finally defeat the Taliban by giving them the silent treatment." –Conan O'Brien

"North Korea said it will test a rocket that they hope will hit the United States. In other words, watch your back, middle of the Pacific Ocean." –Conan O'Brien

"Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was grilled by Congressmen about the attack on Benghazi. Then out of habit she grilled them about where they were last night, and who's this Megan?" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

How I Slept with Carmen Electra (some women have brown hair)

June 2021

“Publishing houses have reportedly been reticent to publish a post-presidency book by Donald Trump because they worry it won’t be truthful. Fears were based just on the title: How I Slept with Carmen Electra.” —Seth Meyers

“In a new interview, Barack Obama said that if you watch Fox News, you have a different version of reality than if you read the New York Times. If you only watch Fox, you might not know that some women have brown hair.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That's like trying to spice up a bowl of oatmeal with more oatmeal (We’re #1 T-shirts)

August 2012

"Mitt Romney is hoping to energize Republicans by announcing Paul Ryan as his running mate. Seriously? That's like trying to spice up a bowl of oatmeal with more oatmeal." –Jimmy Fallon

"During the announcement, Mitt Romney said that he and Paul Ryan are 'America's Comeback Team.' You know, as in 'come back in four years and try again.'" –Jimmy Fallon 

"It was a great Olympics – Team USA finished the games with 17 more medals than China. China said it was tough to swallow – especially when they had to make all of our “We’re #1” T-shirts." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Leaning Toward Courage (Bob’s Spine Barn)

January 2021

“Now this all seems promising, I know, but watch out, because there is actually nothing more disturbing than the sight of a pleased Mitch McConnell.” —James Corden

”Reportedly, McConnell has told associates in private that he believes the president committed impeachable offenses and is leaning toward convicting him. It will all be in his memoir, ‘Leaning Toward Courage.’” —Stephen Colbert

“McConnell’s apparent support for impeachment gives cover for others, meaning a dozen Republican senators — and possibly more — could ultimately vote to convict the president. Yes, at least a dozen, and possibly more, if there’s a sale at Bob’s Spine Barn.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the U.S. may have to tap into its backup reserve (but kids always bounce back)

February 2012

“After disputes over its nuclear program, Iran is threatening to stop exporting oil. Which means the U.S. may have to tap into its backup reserve: Mitt Romney’s hair.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Today President Obama visited a factory in Wisconsin that brought back 100 jobs from China. It’s got to be tough for the workers in China who lost those jobs — but kids always bounce back.” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama may have significantly reduced our trade deficit with China. He sold the Chinese vice president a billion Jeremy Lin jerseys at $50 apiece.” –Jay Leno

“Earlier this week, President Obama unveiled his new $3.8 trillion budget. $3.8 trillion - that's more money than Mitt Romney makes in a week.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney and his wife wanted to spend a nice quiet Valentine's night just by themselves. So they went to one of Mitt's campaign rallies.” –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This is starting to hurt where my feelings should be (best I can do is a cop or a warmonger)

October 2011

"As the Republicans continue checking underneath every available flag pin and Bible for viable candidates, presumed de facto frontrunner candidate Mitt Romney has gotta be thinking, ‘What the fudge? This is starting to hurt where my feelings should be.'" –Jon Stewart

"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie officially announced that he will not be running for president. Do we really want a president who looks like an American League umpire?" –David Letterman

"Chris Christie would have been the first American President visible from space. The Marine Band would have played 'Hail to the Chef.' If he'd run, the Republicans would have had to choose between him and Rick Perry. One's morbidly obese, and the other is morally obtuse." –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I need to get Michael J. Fox back to 1985 (True Welfare Royalty)

“I guess during a pandemic crazy ideas like Medicare for all just don’t resonate.” —Stephen Colbert

“Bernie Sanders pushed Medicare for all into the mainstream, he’s shined a light on income inequality, and how corporations have used money to rig the system in their favor. And he showed us all that it’s OK to use our outdoor voice indoors.” —Trevor Noah

“[imitating Bernie Sanders] Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to get Michael J. Fox back to 1985.” —Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

He is kidnapping our women and feeding them to King Kong (See How that's better?)

June 2011

"Mitt Romney started to stick it to Obama right away. He said, 'We are only inches away from ceasing to be a free market economy.' What?! If he’s going to lie this hard on day one, what’s he going to say in six months? Obama is kidnapping our white women and feeding them to King Kong." –Bill Maher, on Mitt Romney's presidential campaign announcement

"Mitt Romney wanted to get the maximum exposure for his presidential announcement so he made it in Anthony Weiner's underpants." –Bill Maher

"Anthony Weiner pledges to get to the bottom of this. He's asked for an investigation, the police are involved, he's got a dick lawyer he's hired. They know it is a Democrat's penis because it won't stand up. And also because it was sent to a woman." –Bill Maher

"Sarah Palin should not be on vacation. She should be in summer school." –Bill Maher, on Sarah Palin's botched explanation of Paul Revere's midnight ride

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Pay no attention to the man behind the bronzer! (I’m gonna see like 10 plays this year)

“To further muddy the waters on information, the coronavirus task force leader and man who has quarantined his mind from knowledge, Mike Pence, announced yesterday that health insurance companies had agreed to waive co-pays for corona testing and cover costs for treating the virus (this was apparently news to insurance companies). Oh what a cool idea. It’s like Medicare … but for all.” —Stephen Colbert

“Just two weeks ago, Trump claimed the US had only 15 cases and dropping ‘close to zero’. He could not have been more wrong. Close to zero is an insane thing to say when you’re on the brink of a disease outbreak. That should be emblazoned in history as the worst presidential prediction since Abraham Lincoln said, ‘I’m gonna see like 10 plays this year.’” —Seth Meyers

“[imitating Trump] Please remember, very important for all countries and businesses to know, nothing I say is true, pay no attention to the man behind the bronzer.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Roundtable: Coronavirus Is Best Argument for Medicare for All

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 
A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”