Does this mean I can eat for free at any Olive Garden? (General Tso's Motors)

"As part of their restructuring plan, General Motors is selling off an entire division to a Chinese company. The new division will be called General Tso's Motors." --Jimmy Fallon

After their meeting, the Pope gave President Trump a medal featuring an olive branch. When Trump received it, he asked, “Does this mean I can eat for free at any Olive Garden? Or just here in Italy?” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

this must’ve been what it felt like when they opened the first Olive Garden (truck nuts)

I’m actually surprised at how excited I was when I heard this. An American who grew up here, watched all the shows we watched, rooted for our teams is now in Rome at the head of the church. Italy and America – this must’ve been what it felt like when they opened the first Olive Garden. —Jimmy Kimmel

Thursday was an exciting day for Catholics and for America, as Cardinal Robert Francis Prevost was elected the new pope. Against all odds, he is one of us. An American pope. The pope-mobile is now a Ford F-250 with truck nuts. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

“Not us!” said the New York Giants (Fred Lobster)

According to a new poll, 71 percent of American men believe they face pressure to act interested in sports. “Not us!” said the New York Giants. –Seth Meyers

A couple in Arkansas recently named their baby Olivia Garten in honor of the restaurant chain Olive Garden. Olivia is joined at home by her older brother, Fred Lobster. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Does this mean I can eat for free at any Olive Garden? (You must be on your, like, 50th scandal by now?)

Today, President Trump had lunch with French President Emmanuel Macron, who was just sworn in 11 days ago. Trump was like,“Well, 11 days, you must be on your, like, 50th scandal by now?” –Jimmy Fallon

Last night, a Republican congressional candidate named Greg Gianforte apparently body-slammed a reporter. Some Republicans are defending him, saying the body slam wasn't a big deal — which they might regret in three years when The Rock runs for president. –Jimmy Fallon

After their meeting, the Pope gave Trump a medal featuring an olive branch. When Trump received it, he asked, “Does this mean I can eat for free at any Olive Garden? Or just here in Italy?” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Don't build a library where the lights are on when no one is home (Fred Lobster)

A couple in Arkansas recently named their baby Olivia Garten in honor of the restaurant chain Olive Garden. Olivia is joined at home by her older brother, Fred Lobster. –Seth Meyers

President Trump pardoned a turkey at the White House today, where he said, "I'm pleased to report that, unlike millions of other turkeys at this time of the year, Drumstick has a very, very bright future ahead of him." Though I bet the turkey would feel more confident about that if they would stop calling him Drumstick. –Seth Meyers

"The design for George W. Bush's presidential library was unveiled Wednesday in Dallas, and features a lantern-shaped roof that will glow at night. Mr. President, I don't want to make any more jokes about you being dumb, but you have to meet me halfway. Don't build a library where the lights are on when no one is home." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

How many homeless families does it take to make a billionaire? (Omaha bin Laden)

 

"Let's begin tonight right here in New York, New York. The city's so nice, it was attacked by international terrorists twice. So naturally, last week, the Department of Homeland Security announced a cut in anti-terrorism grants to New York and Washington, D.C. by 40%. Now to some, cutting anti-terror money to the two cities that have already suffered major terrorist attacks might sound, I don't know, insane. So, if New York's funding is being slashed, where is all the money going? Apparently, it's being used to boost the defense budgets of terrorist hot spots like Charlotte, Louisville and Omaha, Nebraska. Apparently, Homeland Security distributes the terror funds on the basis of what item your city has the world's largest ball of. Now, I can understand the concern over Omaha. That city is of course under constant threat from renowned Midwestern terrorist Omaha bin Laden." --Jon Stewart

"President Bush was in Baghdad for six hours. You weren't even in the real Baghdad. You were in the Green Zone. That's like going to the Olive Garden and saying you've been to Italy." –Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

In a related story, Chris Christie just suspended his campaign (last week’s coughing spell was actually due to a massive bong hit)

During last night's debate, Jeb Bush wanted Donald Trump to apologize to his wife but Trump refused. Trump said, "If I apologized to wives I wouldn't be on my third one." –Conan O’Brien

It’s come out that Hillary Clinton is having a hard time connecting with millennial voters. So now she’s saying that last week’s coughing spell was actually due to a massive bong hit. –Conan O’Brien

The Olive Garden is bringing back its “Pasta Pass,” which lets you eat as much pasta as you want for seven weeks. In a related story, Chris Christie just suspended his campaign. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He is the only one who realizes what a great job he's been doing (estimated time of travel will be, what looks like, 1,300 years)

"President Bush's approval ratings have taken somewhat of a dive. A senior slump, if you will. Leading President Bush to one conclusion: He is the only one who realizes what a great job he's been doing." --Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart, on past White House comments that Americans shouldn't change their energy consumption habits because the American lifestyle is "a blessed one" with "a bounty of resources": "If it's so blessed, why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?"

 

"President Bush's speech did have some eloquent, rhetorical flourishes [on screen: Bush saying, 'America looks to the day when the people of the Middle East will leave the desert of despotism for the fertile gardens of liberty']. From the desert of despotism to the fertile gardens of liberty? It's actually not that hard to get to. If you look on metaphorical MapQuest, you head down the Streets of Suffering, get on the Parkway of Progress, pass the Ranch of Righteousness merge onto the Freeway of Being Free, stop at the World's Biggest Ball of Hope, and stay the course, cross over Grand Funk Railroad, and look for the sign, 'Fertile Gardens.' Although, I have to say it's a little confusing, because there is also an Olive Garden around there as well. The trip is only 3.2 miles, and the estimated time of travel will be, what looks like, 1,300 years." --Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's got to be hard to bite the hand that bribes you (Instead of 70 virgins)

"A republican congressman actually apologized to BP's CEO for the way the company has been treated. How stupid are you when the CEO of BP is in the room and people think you're the moron?" –Jay Leno

"To be fair, it's not easy for a lot of these congressmen. It's got to be hard to bite the hand that bribes you." –Jay Leno

"Al Qaeda is not what it used to be. You can see they don't have the money anymore. Instead of 70 virgins, martyrs now get a gift certificate to Olive Garden." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Does this mean I can eat for free at any Olive Garden? Or just here in Italy? (Lots and lots of Xanax)

Today, President Trump had his first meeting with Pope Francis at the Vatican. Everyone in the U.S. was watching closely and looking for some white smoke to see if we have a new president. –Jimmy Fallon

After their meeting, the Pope gave Trump a medal featuring an olive branch. When Trump received it, he asked, “Does this mean I can eat for free at any Olive Garden? Or just here in Italy?” –Jimmy Fallon

After weeks of hesitation, Paul Ryan finally endorsed Donald Trump for president on Thursday. When asked what influenced his decision, Ryan said, “Xanax. Lots and lots of Xanax.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Who wants to lick the swatter? (They’re seasoned with garlic AND Purell)

“As for calls from some pundits to send people back to work or sacrifice lives for the the economy – maybe what happened here is a bunch of rich people realized that in order to both save lives and protect the economy, they’d have to redistribute some wealth to working people, and that was intolerable to them. Because there’s a third option here: we can keep people at home to save lives and give them money to get through the crisis. Other countries, such as Denmark and the Netherlands, have guaranteed to pay most of the salaries for companies shut down by the pandemic. We could have that here. Instead, the president wants you to go back to work in three weeks even if it means wearing a hazmat suit during your shift at Olive Garden – ‘Would you like unlimited breadsticks? They’re seasoned with garlic AND Purell.’” —Seth Meyers

“From the very start of this crisis, Donald Trump has desperately tried to wish it away with magical thinking. Which makes sense, because for most of his life, magical thinking has worked for him. I mean, he’s failed at virtually everything he’s ever done, but magically, he always avoids consequences. Trump’s handling of the pandemic is like those stories you hear about a small town that elects a dog as mayor every year – sure, it might seem fun at the time to have a dog mayor but what happens when there’s a thunderstorm, and you need the mayor to coordinate disaster relief, but he won’t come out from underneath the couch.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Now you can do to avocados what Donald Trump did to Jeb Bush's spirit (I will never have to take Viagra again)

It came out that Donald Trump ranks his favorite Fox News reporters on how much they are loyal to him. Sean Hannity gets a 10. He gets an 11 if he’s wearing heels. But Trump’s top ranking host is Fox and Friends host Steve Doocy, who gets a 12. When Doocy heard this he said, “I will never have to take Viagra again.” --Jimmy Kimmel

All the candidates have merchandise for sale. Even the candidates who've dropped out. Jeb Bush has the “Guaca Bowle.” This is a guacamole bowl with Jeb's logo on it. Now you can do to avocados what Donald Trump did to Jeb Bush's spirit. –Jimmy Kimmel

Chris Christie flew all the way to Florida to stand behind Donald Trump supporting him. Throughout the speech, he looks genuinely miserable. He looks like he saw the bottom of a supposedly bottomless pasta bowl at Olive Garden. He looks as though someone just told him butterscotch causes cancer. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That outfit is appropriate for only two things: intimidating voters or assassinating James Bond in the Alps (post-apocalyptic zombie wasteland)

November 2022

“With the midterms now less than a week away, Republicans and Democrats are making their closing arguments to voters. The GOP’s argument is: stop voting. Donald Trump and other GOP figures have encouraged ‘poll watchers’ to intimidate voters at ballot drop boxes across the country. Here are photos of men in Arizona dressed in ski masks and body armor. That outfit is appropriate for only two things: intimidating voters or assassinating James Bond in the Alps.” —Stephen Colbert

“On Tuesday, an Arizona judge ordered armed election ‘monitors’ to stay at least 250 feet away from drop boxes. I think it’s fair to say democracy is in danger when ballot boxes take out a restraining order.” —Stephen Colbert

“The rightwing group the Oath Keepers, is on trial for seditious conspiracy for their role in the January 6th attack on the Capitol. January 6th wasn’t just about smashing glass and hanging Pence. It was also about apps for the table, as prosecutors claim that Oath Keepers met for a late-night meal after the attack at an Olive Garden. That explains their new slogan: ‘When you’re here, your family didn’t hug you enough as a child.’” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Now he's in Mexico, and he was taunted by a matador (They think they're getting Tina Fey)

"Sarah Palin is going to do her best to promote capitalism while she's in Hong Kong, and then I guess at the end of the trip, she'll be riding around in helicopters, shooting pandas." --David Letterman

"And then next month, Sarah Palin is going to Hong Kong for a speaking engagement. She says she can almost see Hong Kong from her house. The Chinese are all very excited, though. They think they're getting Tina Fey." --David Letterman

"But Sarah Palin, very serious now she's out of office up there in Alaska. She wrote a critique of President Obama's health care plan and then she went back to seating customers at the Olive Garden." --David Letterman

"Chris Christie has to brush up on foreign policy, so he went to Mexico. Remember when he was in Africa? He was followed by ivory poachers. Now he's in Mexico, and he was taunted by a matador." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The father of ignorance and the weapon of tyrants (Would you like unlimited breadsticks?)

“As for calls from some pundits to send people back to work or sacrifice lives for the the economy – maybe what happened here is a bunch of rich people realized that in order to both save lives and protect the economy, they’d have to redistribute some wealth to working people, and that was intolerable to them. Because there’s a third option here: we can keep people at home to save lives and give them money to get through the crisis. Other countries, such as Denmark and the Netherlands, have guaranteed to pay most of the salaries for companies shut down by the pandemic. We could have that here. Instead, the president wants you to go back to work in three weeks even if it means wearing a hazmat suit during your shift at Olive Garden – ‘Would you like unlimited breadsticks? They’re seasoned with garlic AND Purell.’” —Seth Meyers

“From the very start of this crisis, Donald Trump has desperately tried to wish it away with magical thinking. Which makes sense, because for most of his life, magical thinking has worked for him. I mean, he’s failed at virtually everything he’s ever done, but magically, he always avoids consequences. Trump’s handling of the pandemic is like those stories you hear about a small town that elects a dog as mayor every year – sure, it might seem fun at the time to have a dog mayor but what happens when there’s a thunderstorm, and you need the mayor to coordinate disaster relief, but he won’t come out from underneath the couch.” —Seth Meyers

​​New Jersey police recently arrested a man for bringing a doughnut filled with Xanax pills to a local high school student. Officials first became suspicious when an adult man showed up to a high school to deliver a single doughnut. –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Utah is not particularly friendly territory for Donald Trump because most of the voters there are sober (Terrible Idea)

There was a primary in Arizona and caucuses in Idaho and Utah. Donald Trump was behind in the polls in Utah — Utah is not particularly friendly territory for Donald Trump because most of the voters there are sober. –Jimmy Kimmel

One of Donald Trump's most high-profile supporters, former Alaska governor Sarah Palin, is working on a new gig. Sarah Palin is planning to host a new reality courtroom show. She would be the judge. The show doesn't have a title yet but they're thinking about calling it "Terrible Idea." –Jimmy Kimmel

Chris Christie flew all the way to Florida to stand behind Donald Trump supporting him. Throughout the speech, he looks genuinely miserable. He looks like he saw the bottom of a supposedly bottomless pasta bowl at Olive Garden. He looks as though someone just told him butterscotch causes cancer. –Jimmy Kimmel

President Trump got his first approval rating numbers and they aren’t good. His approval rating stands at 45 percent, which is the lowest in history for a new president. Or as his press secretary Sean Spicer put it today, “The highest in history for a new president.” –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’ll join your hell if you join mine (former crackhead pillow salesman)

March 2022

“In other news, all the characters from Trumpsylvania were out this weekend, including Rudy Giuliani, AKA ‘recount Dracula’, who appeared on a Newsmax show called Wise Guys. I don’t know what this show is, but I for one enjoy any show where the people being interviewed are also eating clams, in which Newsmax hosts interviewed Giuliani at a diner table. What a show – just Rudy having a perfectly normal meeting at an Olive Garden with three Dick Tracy villains, nothing to see.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“And according to a Yahoo poll, Trump leads Biden by 43 points among unvaccinated voters, who might not even make it to the election. Trump loves the poorly vaccinated, and they’re not the only group that is solidly pro-Trump. He’s also a solid favorite among firework stand operators, iguana breeders, disgraced mall Santas, manufacturers of husky golf pants, and former crackhead pillow salesman.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“The first weekend of March Madness and this year’s Cinderella team, the 15-seed St. Peter’s Peacocks, who upset No 2-seed Kentucky. It’s exciting for longtime fans who have been following the team since Thursday. St. Peter’s is the first team from New Jersey to make the sweet sixteen in more than 20 years. And if they go all the way they’ll be the only team to wear their championship rings on their pinkies.” —Jimmy Fallon

“And finally, the dating company Match has launched a new dating app for parents called Stir. Their slogan is ‘I’ll join your hell if you join mine.’” —Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I don’t know, I’m all charged up! (I’m not going to kink-shame)

February 2022

“I hope you’re having a sensual Valentine’s Day, which, if you’re watching this, you’re probably not.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Hey, don’t mind me, I’ll just be over here doing my thang — a long monologue. And maybe later, if we’re lucky, some Toyota commercials. And I’ve got 400 people in this room with me who just like to watch. And I’m happy to help, because America could use a little help in the seduction department right now. Because according to new research, Americans are at a 30-year low for sex. And again, no judgment: Whatever doesn’t float your boat. I’m not going to kink-shame the jigsaw puzzle/Breathe Right Strip/lights out by 9 p.m. lifestyle.” —Stephen Colbert

“The study says there are a number of possible reasons for lower birth rates, including fewer people getting married, an aging population. But let’s be honest: We all know what the real reason is — unlimited porn. The same reason people at the Olive Garden are eating more breadsticks — it’s unlimited.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“I think it’s weird having Valentine’s the day after the Super Bowl. I was out past midnight last night flipping SUVs and setting mattresses on fire, now I’m supposed to be romantic? I don’t know, I’m all charged up!” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The Tea Party is now divided between angry whites and even angrier whites (Damage Report)

December 2012

"Since losing the election, Mitt Romney is reportedly bored. After hearing this, Ann Romney said, 'You're bored? I'm sitting around all day with Mitt Romney.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A lot of dissension among conservatives. One of the leaders of the Tea Party has resigned after a major split in the movement. The Tea Party is now divided between angry whites and even angrier whites." –Conan O'Brien

"Kim Kardashian has been touring the Middle East, touching off angry protests among conservative Muslims. You would think conservative Muslims would be happy to see a woman who's never had a job." –Conan O'Brien

"The CEO of the Olive Garden blames his company's low profits on Obamacare – which is odd because most people won't eat at the Olive Garden until they have health insurance." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s like bottomless breadsticks at Olive Garden, but for bugs (just as the Bible foretold)

June 2021

“There have been a series of extreme natural events lately, from heatwaves in many parts of the US to the emergence of cicadas. It’s never a good sign when the weather forecast ends with ‘just as the Bible foretold’, but it has been happening.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Cicadas have swarmed parts of the eastern US after 17 years underground, looking to mate like a bunch of horny teenagers on prom night. They’re an interesting creature: the reason they all come out at the same time is because it makes it impossible for predators to eat all of them at once. It’s like bottomless breadsticks at Olive Garden, but for bugs.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Between Covid, the heat and these cicadas, it’s like someone figured out an algorithm to make sure we never go outside the house. I suspect Netflix is behind this.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”