You know what they say about Mike Johnson: to know him is to … meh (the little soapy thing is empty, but we will fill it!)

Our long national nightmare is finally different. Finally, a man who appeals to all factions of the Republican party: the Maga faithful, the social conservatives, the white nationalists and the horny Beetlejuice goblins. Mike Johnson’s successful bid for speakership after several swift failures – Jim Jordan and Tom Emmer, among others – was facilitated by the fact that, according to Politico, there weren’t enough people who hated Johnson to oppose his rise. You know what they say about Mike Johnson: to know him is to … meh. —Stephen Colbert

But don’t let the apparent blandness fool you – Johnson is not only an election denier, he played a leading role in the effort to overturn the 2020 election. And Johnson holds other extreme views. In newspaper editorials, he has called homosexuality ‘inherently unnatural’ and a ‘dangerous lifestyle’ that could possibly destroy ‘the entire democratic system’. The republicans celebrated their momentous achievement of having a leader on the steps of the Capitol. That’s the sort of ceremony that’s usually celebrating the passage of Medicare or ending the war. Instead, this was announcing ‘we have found the key to the executive washroom. By the way, the little soapy thing is empty, but we will fill it!’ —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Ladies and gentlemen of the GOP, I am not Jim Jordan. I yield my time. (unipolar superpowers)

Jim Jordan’s defeat in his attempt to become Speaker of the House was an historic humiliation for a man who will not be in the history books. He was undone not by the usual Maga bomb throwers. He was brought low by a coalition of Republican moderates nearly three weeks after the more extreme wing of the party ousted Kevin McCarthy as speaker. Eight Republicans are now vying for the top position in the House, and Republicans planned to hold a forum on Monday evening in which candidates would make their case in two-minute speeches. Now, two minutes may seem short, but I know what I would say – ‘Ladies and gentlemen of the GOP, I am not Jim Jordan. I yield my time.’ —Stephen Colbert

“This time, nine Republicans will battle for the top post: Tom Emmer from Minnesota, Kevin Hern from Oklahoma, Jack Bergman from Michigan, Byron Donalds from Florida, Mike Johnson from Louisiana, Sam Nayman from Tennessee, Dan Marks from Wisconsin, Ben Warner from Georgia and Ken Sherman from Pennsylvania — and I started making up names partway through that list, and literally no one knows when I did, including me.” — Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

He’s going to keep on going till he loses unanimously (find out where the line is and cross it deliberately)

And it’s not just Republican politicians who are mad at what’s going on. Conservative pundits are also mad at them. Not mad at them for nominating an election-denying coup plotter like Jim Jordan, mind you, but for not lining up behind him. The Fox News host Brian Kilmeade, for example, was caught on a hot mic calling a GOP lawmaker who didn’t vote for Jordan a ‘dumbass’. You know how bad things are for you when Brian Kilmeade is calling you a dumbass? —Seth Meyers

It’s been two weeks since Republicans opened the Matt Gaetz of hell and threw away the key, and they’re no closer to having a speaker of the House. In his second vote, Jim Jordan lost by an even wider margin than his first attempt at becoming speaker. But he’s not giving up! He’s going to keep on going till he loses unanimously. —Jimmy Kimmel 

Jim Jordan lost by even more votes on his second vote – it’s like retaking the SAT and finding out you got dumber somehow. —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Republicans are determined to keep trying until they finally get it wrong (He laughed so hard he almost fell off a billionaire’s yacht)

“Jim Jordan may have failed in his first bid to become speaker of the House, but Republicans are determined to keep trying until they finally get it wrong.” —Seth Meyers

“Several GOP lawmakers voted for the former New York congressman Lee Zeldin, which means they’re running out of options even alphabetically.” —Seth Meyers

“Justice Amy Coney Barrett said in a new interview that the US supreme court should adopt an ethics code, adding ‘all nine justices are very committed to the highest standards of ethical conduct.’ And when he read that interview, Clarence Thomas laughed so hard he almost fell off a billionaire’s yacht.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Maybe it’s time we take away their right to choose (fluffles)

“Donald Trump’s spent another day in a New York courthouse for his fraud trial. This is not the January 6 insurrection case, that’s in Washington. It’s not to be confused with the election tampering case that’s in Georgia or the stolen documents case in Florida or the Stormy Daniels or E Jean Carroll cases that are also in New York. This is his fraud trial in New York. I know, it’s really hard to keep track.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“In other political news, the House is still without a speaker after the Ohio congressman Jim Jordan, a far-right Republican who supported overturning the 2020 election, did not receive the necessary votes. Turns out there’s something about being a loser that really suits Jim Jordan. Jordan is a particularly terrible choice for speaker, because of his conduct as a wrestling coach at the Ohio State University. Jordan allegedly knew of sexual abuse perpetrated by a team doctor on several athletes, and did nothing. A man who is famous for not speaking up would like to be speaker. It’s really something.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Two weeks since House Republicans removed Kevin McCarthy as speaker, they still haven’t decided on a new leader. Maybe it’s time we take away their right to choose.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wow, they put their relationship to the hardest test any couple can (the good news is … there is no good news)

“The two potential speaker options for House Republicans: bad (Louisiana congressman Steve Scalise, an election denier who didn’t have the votes on Thursday) and worse (Ohio’s Jim Jordan, also an election denier accused of covering up sexual misconduct as a wrestling coach at Ohio State). You could not pick a worse speaker of the House. And keep in mind: the GOP just had Kevin McCarthy, so they tried. The bad news here is that the new speaker might be Jim Jordan. But the good news is … there is no good news.” —Stephen Colbert

“NFL star Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift, were photographed holding hands while entering the Saturday Night Live after-party. Wow, they put their relationship to the hardest test any couple can: going anywhere near Pete Davidson.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Those toddlers are going to lose their teeth anyways (Steal Team Dicks)

December 2021

“Let’s examine the behavior of congressman Jim Jordan of Ohio, who the day before the insurrection texted Meadows with a plan to prevent the legitimate winner of the election, Joe Biden, from taking office. ‘On January 6, 2021, Vice-President Mike Pence, as president of the Senate, should call out all electoral votes that he believes are unconstitutional as no electoral votes at all.’ Jordan has said he forwarded the message written by Joseph Schmitz, a former US defense department inspector general who outlined a ‘draft proposal’ to pressure Pence to refuse to certify the election results, and that Meadows knew the message was forwarded. Well, so what? That’s not a defense. That’s like saying, ‘I didn’t cook the meth, I just sold it at the Gymboree. Those toddlers are going to lose their teeth anyways.’” —Stephen Colbert

“There was a months-long campaign of subversion by half a dozen Republican lawmakers, including Jordan, Scott Perry, Paul Gosar, Louie Gohmert, Mo Brooks and Andy Biggs. The Steal Team Dicks fomented distrust over the election result and planned to derail the symbolic certification of the election before the insurrection thwarted the vote. So they were ready to reject the delegates, seize the ballots and overturn the election, but they were interrupted by the out-of-control mob their lies had created. It reminds me of the words of founding father Benjamin Frankenstein: ‘I’m hearing reports it was Antifa who destroyed the village!’” —Stephen Colbert

“China is building up influence in Africa through binding investments. In recent years, China has pumped money into the continent with large infrastructure projects funded by China’s Export Import bank. That’s right, baby, China has been making it rain in Africa. It’s the most money anyone has sent to Africa without being guilt-tripped by a celebrity singalong. The funding is presented as no strings attached, since China doesn’t care about your government, or human rights, or anything. They’re basically the cool mom of international finance. ‘Oh, you and your friends, you want to come party this weekend? Well, come to our basement with your child soldiers, we didn’t hear a thing!’” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

but it is a great reminder that you’re a total douche (two of his least favorite things)

“Lt. Colonel Vindman began his time with a message to his father, who fled the Soviet Union 40 years ago, that he shouldn’t worry about his son speaking the truth in America. The statement was beautiful, but you know it’s really going to enrage Trump because it features two of his least favorite things: immigrants and fathers who love their sons.” --Stephen Colbert

“Throughout the testimony, Vindman expressed faith in American government to protect truth-tellers. Yeah, in America, ‘right’, matters. You know, unless you’re one of the congressmen on the right, then not so much these days.” --Stephen Colbert

“There were several Republican efforts to undercut Vindman, such as the Utah congressman Chris Stewart’s attempt to throw shade at his military uniform. ‘I see you’re wearing your dress uniform, knowing that’s not the uniform of the day,’ Stewart said. ‘You normally wear a suit to the White House. I think it’s a great reminder of your military service.’ Congressman, I see you’re wearing your little bitch face.. It’s not the face the of the day, but it is a great reminder that you’re a total douche.” --Stephen Colbert

“Then there was the Ohio congressman Jim Jordan, who tried to say Vindman’s superiors doubted his judgment; Vindman refuted the characterization by reading, verbatim, a sterling performance review from July. The review basically said ‘He uses excellent judgment, he plans ahead, he brings documents that rebut Jim Jordan’s weak-ass smack talk even before it leaves his dirty little mouth.’” --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”