also flying to a private island makes him miss his friend Jeffrey Epstein (It’s as if that Fifa peace prize means nothing to this man)

On Saturday, Donald Trump Jr married his partner, Bettina Anderson, in the Bahamas in a small ceremony attended by 40 guests none of whom were his father. On Truth Social, Trump wrote that he “very much wanted” to be there but felt it was “important for me to remain in Washington, DC at the White House during this important period of time”. He had circumstances pertaining to government – and also flying to a private island makes him miss his friend Jeffrey Epstein. —Jimmy Kimmel

This is a guy who golfs two, three times a week, he’s going to UFC fights with Vanilla Ice. He was too busy for his son’s wedding. But he did say Don and Bettina are going to have a great marriage, and this is a man who knows a great marriage; he’s had three of them himself. —Jimmy Kimmel

Trump is stuck in the war with Iran like a pig in a vat of chocolate pudding. On Saturday, the president said that a deal with Iran was nearly finalized, but US bombs continue to strike the country. It’s as if that Fifa peace prize means nothing to this man. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Because you’re not doing too good, either (Iranians, Ukrainians and comedians)

Donald Trump posted on Truth Social: “When is ABC Fake News Network firing seriously unfunny Jimmy Kimmel, who incompetently presides over one of the Lowest Rated shows on Television? People are angry. It better be soon!!! President DJT” Or what? If incompetently presiding over not just one of but the lowest rating in history is the reason I should be fired, we should both be out of a job. Because you’re not doing too good, either. —Jimmy Kimmel

“Isn’t there a war dragging on? Imagine if FDR had taken to the airwaves during the Battle of the Bulge to complain about a little orphan Annie comic strip that he didn’t like. Trump has three wars going on right now – Iranians, Ukrainians and comedians.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it’s never a good sign when your shoes have a muffin top (30,000 times in the Nice Guy files)

President Trump continued to flail without a strategy on Monday, after he again took to Truth Social to write: “We’re offering a very fair and reasonable DEAL, and I hope they take it because, if they don’t, the United States is going to knock out every single Power Plant, and every single Bridge, in Iran. NO MORE MR NICE GUY!” Yes, it’s important that he said that, because up until now, Trump’s been known as Mr Nice Guy. In fact, he’s mentioned over 30,000 times in the Nice Guy files. —Stephen Colbert

We’re in week eight of the Iran war, and as of tonight it is unclear if US-Iran peace talks will happen one day before Trump’s ultimatum expires. The talks were supposed to begin on Tuesday in Islamabad, Pakistan, but based on what we know now, it doesn’t look Islama-good, because on Tuesday afternoon US negotiators delayed their trip, and Trump announced that he was indefinitely extending the ceasefire. The president claimed he was not worried about the deal, posting on his Truth Social platform: “I read the Fake News saying that I am under ‘pressure’ to make a Deal. THIS IS NOT TRUE! I am under no pressure whatsoever, although it will all happen, relatively quickly! Time is not my adversary.” Oh yeah? Have you taken a gander at your ankles lately? Because it’s never a good sign when your shoes have a muffin top. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Yes, that's who undermined the American medical system (Pam Bondi is a Great American Patriot)

Just a few hours ago we learnt that President Trump fired Attorney General Pam Bondi. Bondi lost her job because Trump was reportedly upset over her handling of the said files, a dark cloud which still hangs over his administration. As Trump wrote on Truth Social: "Pam Bondi is a Great American Patriot and a loyal friend, who faithfully served as my Attorney General over the past year. Pam did a tremendous job overseeing a massive crackdown in Crime across our Country, with Murders plummeting to their lowest level since 1900. 

We love Pam, and she will be transitioning to a much needed and important new job in the private sector, to be announced at a date in the near future." [Colbert as Trump] “It’s a much-needed job at a very important farm upstate. There’ll be lots of room for her to run around. Unfortunately, we can’t go visit her. Now let’s go to the strip mall and get you a new attorney general, buddy.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

How did you ever run a casino? Oh right, briefly (Free the files, not Ghislaine)

President Trump posted on Truth Social text messages from other world leaders, including the French president, Emmanuel Macron. It’s so interesting to read these, because they really do tiptoe around this maniac. A line from Macron’s text reads: “I do not understand what you are doing on Greenland.” That makes 8.1 billion of us, my friend. Does he think this makes him look good? Every one of these texts reads like they’re talking to a chimp with a hand grenade. —Jimmy Kimmel

There was a video released by Trump last week, in which he called on Congress to pass his “great healthcare plan” and said “under this policy, the prices of many drugs will be slashed by 300, 400 and even 500%.” Once again, 100% is the most you can lower a price. How did you ever run a casino? Oh right, briefly. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I think we know where Venezuela’s cocaine has been going (the president is not a liar)

Even for President Trump, it was a busy night on social media: He made 160 posts (and reposts) on his Truth Social platform, according to news reports. The man who’s allegedly running the country banged out an onslaught of posts and reposts in a furious social media blitzkrieg that started at 7:09 p.m., went on nonstop until almost midnight. Do you know how long you have to be on the toilet to post that much? I mean, what is he eating? — Jimmy Kimmel

“One hundred and sixty posts in one night. This morning, Trump’s thumbs were as swollen as his ankles.” — Jimmy Fallon

“Well, I think we know where Venezuela’s cocaine has been going.” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I can live here. This feels right to me (Occupied America)

Donald Trump’s Truth Social posted an AI-produced photo of himself dressed as the new pope. I have to say, I knew this would happen. “ predicted it when he went to the funeral. He saw all the gold at the Vatican and he thought: ‘I can live here. This feels right to me.’ —Jimmy Kimmel

“Here’s the thing: I’m sure he did do it to be funny and to make everyone who doesn’t like him mad, but what he seems to be forgetting is he is the president of the United States. Doing funny things that make people mad isn’t his job. It’s my job.” —Jimmy Kimmel

Yet “somehow that pope thing was only second weirdest post of the weekend”. On Sunday 4 May – also known as Star Wars Day to those who observe – the official White House social media account posted another doctored image of an unrealistically buff Trump wielding a light saber. In one weekend, he upset the two most religious groups of people on the planet: Catholics and Star Wars fans.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s a Chernobyl of opportunity right now (squeezing HIS balls for a change)

President Trump posted on Truth Social that he would undergo his annual physical examination at Walter Reed medical center on Friday. I bet it’s going to be an excellent report. Let me guess: his physical strength and stamina are extraordinary, his blood pressure is astonishing and he is by far the healthiest president to successfully tank the world economy overnight. I will say, after all he’s put us through, it will be nice to know that on Friday, somebody will be squeezing his balls for a change. —Jimmy Kimmel

Trump used to say, “There’s a lot of opportunity in the bad times.” And now there’s nothing but opportunity as far as the eye can see. It’s a Chernobyl of opportunity right now. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

In the middle of an economic meltdown and you’re getting all philosophical? (the same tagline as season 3 of Squid Game)

Mr. President, now is the time to soothe a worried nation. Donald Trump put this out on social media. "Don't be weak. Don't be stupid. Don't be a ‘Panican’. Which he has termed a new party based on weak and stupid people. Panican? The genius who gave us classics like Sleepy Joe and Crooked Hillary just shit out, you're a Panican? How about Hysterocrats? Repussicans? How about how about Cryontologists? Did the overseas factory you had been sourcing your nicknames from get shut down during the tariff war? —Jon Stewart

President Trump is holding firm, posting on Truth Social, "Only the weak will fail.” What are you doing? Your economic policy has the same tagline as season 3 of Squid Game? That's supposed to make us feel better? —Jon Stewart

Right-wing conservatives are telling us to calm down and not to panic. When did the right become so chill? Aren't you the "Bud Light's turning my kids trans" folks? But in the middle of an economic meltdown and you’re getting all philosophical? —Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the big difference between George Clooney and Donald Trump (Klondike bars)

The New York Times reported that some Joe Biden advisers were discussing how to convince him to step aside. That is not going to be easy. They’re thinking about just putting a Klondike bar on a string and pulling it slowly down Pennsylvania Avenue. —Stephen Colbert

After George Clooney, in a guest essay for The New York Times, called for President Biden to drop out of the race, Donald Trump wrote on Truth Social that “Clooney should get out of politics and go back to television. Movies never really worked for him!” Of course, the big difference between George Clooney and Donald Trump is that George Clooney actually made money from a casino. — Kumail Nanjiani

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he’s running away from it like it’s a disabled veteran who wants a selfie (high-fives)

Project 2025, is a 900-page document from a rightwing thinktank that has been described as “basically conservative fan fiction, which could very well become fan reality”. It’s full of terrifying proposals that range from burning more fossil fuels to outlawing pornography. Which is bad news for people who like to masturbate and horrible news for people who like to masturbate to our flourishing coral reefs. — Desi Lydic

The proposal is supported by a number of Trump’s top aides, but apparently it’s getting a little too controversial for Trump now, because he’s running away from it like it’s a disabled veteran who wants a selfie. — Desi Lydic

The former president posted on Truth Social: “I know nothing about Project 2025. I have no idea who is behind it. I disagree with some of the things they’re saying and some of the things they’re saying are absolutely ridiculous and abysmal. Anything they do, I wish them luck, but I have nothing to do with them.” Really? You expect us to believe Donald Trump didn’t read a 900-page … OK, now that I’m saying that, I hear it. This is textbook Trump. He hides his dog whistles next to some plausible deniability. Every tweet is like a Cheesecake Factory menu, you know? There’s something for everybody. And he doesn’t mind if it’s full of contradictions. He hasn’t read Project 2025, but he likes parts of it. He has no idea who’s behind it, but he hired most of them. He thinks it’s abysmal, but he wishes them luck. He has one hand in his pocket, and the other one is giving a high-five. — Jordan Klepper

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

There would’ve been a middle school January 6th (tight locks)

In congressional news, the Senate voted on Wednesday to approve a bill that will either ban TikTok or force a sale of the short-form video app by its China-based parent company, ByteDance, within the year. A potential world without TikTok is terrifying. Without TikTok, where will I watch videos of wealthy teenagers crying in their cars? —Jimmy Kimmel

The Biden administration also decided to let elementary schools keep serving chocolate milk. Could you imagine if Biden banned TikTok and chocolate milk in the same week? There would’ve been a middle school January 6. —Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump continues to post on Truth Social and every post is in all caps, including the phrases “WITCH HUNT” and “ELECTION INTERFERENCE” with various levels of punctuation. He keeps his caps lock tighter than the door to Melania’s bedroom. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

One day he’ll be sitting in the electric chair bragging about all the people who showed up to watch (Donald Trump and Bigfoot)

The ex-president seems to be less popular each day, and he cannot deal with it. Only a few supporters rallied outside the courthouse in Manhattan. Trump had been encouraging his fans to rally outside the courthouse, and is unhappy with the muted scene. While you would think Donald Trump wouldn’t be able to lie about the size of a crowd that wasn’t there, think again. On Truth Social, Trump falsely claimed that “thousands of people were turned away from the Courthouse.” Trump is drawing the biggest crowds of any president criminally indicted for having sex with a porn star in history. All Trump cares about is crowd size. One day he’ll be sitting in the electric chair bragging about all the people who showed up to watch it. —Jimmy Kimmel

The only witness on Tuesday was David Pecker, Trump’s friend and former publisher of the National Enquirer, who described a “mutually beneficial relationship” between the tabloid and Trump. It’s weird, the only faithful relationship Trump’s ever been in is with the National Enquirer. Think about how insane it is that our president had a mutually beneficial relationship with the National Enquirer. There are only two people on the planet who can say that: Donald Trump and Bigfoot. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s not a great sign for Trump that even auto correct thins he belongs in jail (a bunch of time travelers showed up trying to kill him)

In a video on Truth Social, Donald Trump falsely said that democrats support abortion up to the ninth month and beyond. Saying, the baby is executed after birth. But he only thinks that happens because when Trump was a baby, a bunch of time travelers showed up trying to kill him. —Colin Jost

There was an actual error in the L.A. Times obituary for O.J. Simpson in the section about his prison time. Instead of writing O.J. walked out of the Love Law Correctional Center, they wrote, Trump walked out of the Love Law Correctional Center, a free man for the first time in nine years. It’s not a great sign for Trump that even auto correct thins he belongs in jail. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Is that coffee I smell? (p*rn star spanky)

On Tuesday, Donald Trump posted a $175 million bond so he could appeal his $454 million fraud judgment after a weeks-long search for someone to put up the cash. That company? Knight Specialty Insurance, which is run by CEO Don Hankey, the so-called “king of subprime car loans”. Hankey explained his reason for giving Trump the money as: “I heard that he needed a loan … and this is what we do.” Yes, this is what they do. You know their slogan: ‘Turned down by the banky? Don’t get so cranky! Call me, Don Hankey. You’ll say, why, thanky! Don, good luck with the case about the porn star spanky.’” —Stephen Colbert

Still, between the $175 million Trump put up in this case and the $91 million in the E Jean Carroll case, Trump somehow posted way less money this week than he lost on Wall Street, as Truth Social reportedly lost $4 billion in value after SEC documents revealed the social media company was hemorrhaging money. Wow, I am actually surprised that Truth Social had value. The stock opened on Tuesday at $48.66 a share, down 39% from its high of $79.38 a week ago. Truly, an historic failure. No one has seen a loss this big since the Trump Taj Mahal, the Trump Hotel, Trump steaks, Trump airlines, Trump University and Trump, Eric. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Now, calm down. How about we just vote on it? (How does that thing not burst into flames immediately?)

On Tuesday, former President Donald Trump released a video on Truth Social, plugging his “God Bless the USA Bible” for $60. How does that thing not burst into flames immediately? — Jordan Klepper

“If we step back and look at this, Trump getting into business with God can only mean one thing: God is going to end up bankrupt and serving a three-month prison sentence for lying under oath.” — Jordan Klepper

“I like how they made the Bible the exact color of his skin. Yeah, that’s interesting. Corinthian — Corinthian leather.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Good news, you only owe $175 million (The glove fits great)

On Monday, a New York appeals court reduced Donald Trump’s bond in his civil fraud case — originally set at $454 million — to a mere $175 million. He has 10 days to come up with it. It’s the first time someone’s ever heard, 'Good news, you only owe $175 million'. —Jimmy Fallon

“After his lawyers argued last week that he did not have the money for the $454 million bond in his civil fraud case, former President Trump posted in all caps on Truth Social, ‘I currently have almost $500 million in cash.’ Dude, they’re trying to help you. That’s like if O.J. tweeted, ‘The glove fits great.’” — Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He probably won’t be able to do this when they take away his phone in prison (Get me Spielberg!)

President Biden was in town to raise money for his re-election campaign, and also to see if Steven Spielberg can de-age him like he did Harrison Ford in the Indiana Jones movie. —Jimmy Kimmel

In other Republican news, the party’s presidential frontrunner, Donald Trump, took aim at me personally on Truth Social. In response to an Los Angeles Times interview in which I pondered letting my contract expire in 2026, Trump posted: “They could get a far more talented person, who would also get better Ratings, for 5% of what they are paying this Loser!” I’ve got to say, that’s a helluva way to find out you’re not going to be somebody’s running mate. He has no idea how delighted I am by something like this. I’m going to try to enjoy it, because he probably won’t be able to do this when they take away his phone in prison. So I’m gonna really soak it in. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

For you, that’s pretty good! That’s one of your best performances yet (President Steal Your Girl)

“President Biden and Chinese President Xi Jinping agreed yesterday to re-establish military communications. It’s what Biden is calling the greatest U.S.-China collaboration since ‘Rush Hour.’” — Seth Meyers

“Biden wished President Xi’s wife a happy birthday, and President Xi was reportedly embarrassed because he had forgotten about his wife’s birthday. And that’s why we call him ‘President Steal Your Girl.’” — Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump’s Media and Technology Group, has demanded an apology and retraction of my jokes earlier in the week about Truth Social losing $73m. The letter calls the figure “defamatory” and cites an SEC filing from June 2023 stating that the company actually lost $31.6m since its launch. In other words, in fairness, Truth Social isn’t a colossal failure. It’s only an abysmal failure. And I would like to do the right thing and congratulate our balloon animal former president and his company on only losing $31.6 million. For you, that’s pretty good! That’s one of your best performances yet. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I achieved my position in the organization because I can make a calculator spell ‘boobs’ (Wonder Gums)

Don Jr’s claim of ignorance about what was in the financial documents he signed: “Your honor, I know nothing about finance or numbers. I achieved my position in the organization because I can make a calculator spell ‘boobs’. —Stephen Colbert

And on Wednesday, Don Jr reportedly instructed the courtroom sketch artist to make him look “sexy” and quipped that “both sides” of his face are the good one. It takes a lot of balls to hit on a sketch artist during your own trial. —Stephen Colbert

“[imitating Trump] How dare you come after my sweet, innocent children: Don Jr., Ivanka, and Eric, or, as I call them, Little Me, Lady Me and Wonder Gums.’” —Stephen Colbert

“Ahead of Donald Trump Jr.’s testimony in the Trump Organization’s ongoing civil fraud trial, former President Trump attacked the judge in an early morning post today on Truth Social and warned him to, ‘Leave my children alone,’ adding, ‘You know, like I did.’” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”