It is the only place in the world where robbers get to keep the money (They get the wage and give us the minimum)

"Just one week after coming back to work, Congress took the day off today to watch this BCS football game tonight. Remember Congress promised us a five-day work week. It didn't even last a week. That's why they want to raise the minimum wage. They get the wage and give us the minimum." --Jay Leno

"Tom DeLay will still get to collect over a million dollars in congressional pension money. This is what's so great about Congress. It is the only place in the world where robbers get to keep the money." --Jay Leno

"Now that the Supreme Court has overturned the Defense of Marriage Act, this ruling means California gay guys can finally marry someone other than Liza Minnelli." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They're now the leading contenders in the Republican presidential race (Art thou up?)

There's a new app that turns your texts into lines from Shakespeare. The most popular one used for booty calls is, "Art thou up?" –Conan O’Brien

The IRS has introduced new technology allowing you to pay your taxes at a 7-Eleven. So just imagine: You can now declare your earnings from 2015 while eating a hot dog from 2005. –Conan O’Brien

Two dangerous mentally-ill men have escaped from a Washington state psychiatric hospital. They're now the leading contenders in the Republican presidential race. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's never a good sign when you see a jumbo jet taking the I-95 to Tampa (I bought a spinach and feta omelet out of the trunk of some guy's car)

January 2023

“Well, guys, everyone is talking about this — early this morning, all flights across the U.S. were grounded due to a failure with the FAA's computer system. Yeah. Zero flights took off, but somehow everyone's luggage still ended up in Pittsburgh. That's right. No flights took off. It's never a good sign when you see a jumbo jet taking the I-95 to Tampa.” —Jimmy Fallon

“It's never fun being stuck in an airport. Families headed to Disney told their kids the luggage carousel was the "It's a Small World" ride. They're like, ‘Just calm down and sit next to the Tumi bag. I'll take your picture.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“While the cost of other food has declined in recent months, the price of eggs still remain extremely high. Now when you order eggs in a diner, the waiter's like, ‘Get a load of Jeff Bezos over here.’ It's hard finding cheap eggs. This morning, I bought a spinach and feta omelet out of the trunk of some guy's car.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Meanwhile, I saw that Guinness just announced that they're raising the price of a pint in Ireland. One politician suggested drinking water instead. And doctors say he should be out of the hospital by Sunday.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Did you guys see this? I heard that Subway might be sold for more than $10 billion. Yeah, the sale could be done in a few months or a little longer if they want their Subway toasted.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I mean, it's nice to see something coming out of a hole in the ground that's not running for president (Uh-oh!)

 

"This past weekend was Groundhog Day. I like Groundhog Day. I mean, it's nice to see something coming out of a hole in the ground that's not running for president." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said we must continue to find new sources of oil. The only place he doesn't want any drilling, 'Brokeback Mountain.'" --Jay Leno

"According to Google trends, this tracks what people look up on the Internet, people in the world most likely to look up homosexual activity are in Saudi Arabia. Boy, that's the ultimate dilemma for Republicans. Gays with oil. Uh-oh!" --Jay Leno

 

"The Attorney General of the United States, Alberto Gonzalez testified before the senate about the domestic spying program. But first there was a big fight about whether or not to place him under oath. Ultimately they decided not to place him under oath. See, baseball players, they have to be under oath. But the attorney general, no." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What would have happened if Donald Trump had been born in the 1400s and his dad gave him a boat? (What is racism?)

October 2022

“The most controversial federal holiday of all of them, is Columbus Day. Here’s how you know Columbus Day isn’t so hot any more – there’s no Google Doodle for it. Monday was also Indigenous Peoples’ Day, which is what it should be, probably. But we have to pick one or the other, right? This is like saying it’s Arbor Day and Chainsaw Day. It can’t be both.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Christopher Columbus was by all accounts a cruel and terrible, self-serving person, who had one job: to get to India. He missed it by 9,000 miles, but rather than admit he was wrong and not in India, he just started calling everyone Indians, which is so willfully ignorant. If he were alive today, he could probably run the Republican party. If you’re being honest with yourself, Christopher Columbus is basically what would have happened if Donald Trump had been born in the 1400s and his dad gave him a boat.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You wouldn't believe how many guys on Match.com once dated Kate Upton (194 in 130 days)

"It has been reported that Twitter usage is up a staggering 1300% since last year. 1300%. Yeah, folks, it's hard to imagine that just one year ago, most of us had no idea what Wilmer Valderrama was having for lunch." --Conan O'Brien

Match.com is charging $5,000 to set you up with someone who looks like your ex. You wouldn't believe how many guys on Match.com once dated Kate Upton.--Conan O'Brien

"A new study shows that only 35 percent of fourth-graders know the purpose of the Declaration of Independence. When she heard this, Sarah Palin said, 'How are they supposed to know about something that happened 20 years ago?'" –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The US is like someone who smells so bad that you want to take a shower (Look at what you guys did to me with nails)

May 2022

“Monkeypox is in the news, which experts say is mainly spread via sexual contact. So at least now when you show up to the doctor with monkeypox, the doctor can be like, ‘my man.’” —Trevor Noah

“Their have been two recent shootings in Buffalo and Uvalde. People are asking how long can this keep going on? In reaction to what’s happening in the US, Canada recently announced legislation to cap the gun market. Canada saw what happened here and they’re shutting down guns there.The US is like someone who smells so bad that you want to take a shower.” —Trevor Noah

“Despite most Americans wanting commonsense restrictions on guns, a small yet powerful group is busy blaming shootings on everything else. One of the excuses is a lack of religion that has led to such violence. I don’t think Jesus will be returning to help anytime soon. If Jesus saw what was happening today he would say, ‘Look at what you guys did to me with nails – I’m not coming back when you have guns.’” —Trevor Noah

“Another plan is to have more armed guards and police at schools. But a whole platoon of armed cops didn’t do shit to stop it in Uvalde. Cops were probably shit scared and people shouldn’t be allowed easy access to weapons that the police are scared of. The hypocrisy from people who claim Blue Lives Matter is remarkable. They are willing to sacrifice the cops in the moment. Get rid of these AR-15s and make these officers’ lives more safe.” —Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

we also have one Gomer Pyle and one Beetle Bailey (It sounds better)

"Meanwhile, as Pentagon officials continue working on their plan to have Iraq hug it out, foreign entanglements have left our army stretched to the breaking point. And last week it was disclosed that floor equipment and insufficient training have left two-thirds of both the Army and National Guard's combat force unready for combat. To put that in context: For every G.I. Joe our army has, we also have one Gomer Pyle and one Beetle Bailey." --Jon Stewart

"Yesterday President Bush flew out to his prairie-chapel ranch in Crawford, Texas, to begin his eleven-day vacation. It's not really a ranch. There's no cows or horses. It's more like an estate. But ranch sounds better. You know like when you call Iraq a democracy. It sounds better." --Jay Leno

"President Bush traveled to his ranch in Texas for a ten-day vacation. The president said now is the perfect time to take a vacation when everything in the world is running so smoothly." --Conan O'Brien