"Osama bin Laden once got a speeding ticket in Pakistan. This guy had no respect for the law! When SEAL Team 6 broke into the house, he said to them, 'Is this about that speeding ticket?'" –David Letterman
"As governor of Texas, Rick Perry executed 236 people. Turns out many of them were guilty." –David Letterman
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
A school in a small village in the French Alps recently experienced a decrease in class size. So in order to avoid a school closure, a local farmer enrolled, and we are not making this up, fifteen of his sheep in the school. Which, let’s be honest, is going to make for an interesting prom. --James Corden
After a very close vote, the city of Denver, Colorado, just became the first city in the nation to decriminalize hallucinogenic mushrooms. The announcement was made by Denver’s mayor, a 30 foot tall rainbow dragon that totally has your dad’s face. --James Corden
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
As part of the Congressional Epstein investigation, the Clintons say they will testify on the following conditions. Hillary wants to choose the date and Bill wants to bring one. —Greg Gutfeld
A Pharmaceutical company is developing an Ozempic appetite suppression drug for dogs and it's testing well. Joy Behar has completely stopped eating her own poop. —Greg Gutfeld
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
“Joe Biden has tested positive for Covid for the second time days after testing negative, a rebound case after taking the anti-viral drug Paxlovid. Wow, getting Covid twice in a row because you took Paxlovid? Who could’ve seen this coming? Me, that’s who. (Colbert had two bouts of Covid in May after taking Paxlovid.) It’s happened to a lot of folks. I don’t know anyone who’s taken Paxlovid who didn’t get it again. It’s the hottest rebound since JLo tested positive for a second case of Affleck.” —Stephen Colbert
Mylan, the company that produces these EpiPens, have jacked up the price of these pens from less than $100 for a pair, to over $600. That price is enough to send you into shock, but don't do it because you can't afford the pen anymore. –Stephen Colbert
“Experts say the rebound infections are caused by ‘insufficient drug exposure’ – as in, not enough of the drug gets into infected cells to stop all viral replication. So the Covid pops right back up, which is why the White House is trying to give Paxlovid to Biden’s poll numbers.” —Stephen Colbert
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
“Happy birthday to Mitt Romney, he’s 65 years old. At his party, he didn't blow out the candles. He gave a speech and the candles just flickered and died.” –Jay Leno
“Rick Santorum is so conservative, he won't even shop at Dick's Sporting Goods. He wants mailmen to stop wearing those shorts. He's so conservative, he won't even shop at a store that has parking in the rear.” –Jay Leno
"Prescription medications have been discovered in the drinking water supplies of at least 41 million Americans. Or, as President Bush calls that, the Republican health care plan. You drink eight glasses of water a day, you get all your drugs. You see, again, I don't think President Bush understands this problem. Like today, he said, he read the report and was shocked to learn our tap water contains the chemical H2O." --Jay Leno
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
So, six months into his second term, Trump hasn't just hit the ground running, he's pummeled it into submission. It's a big difference from the last president who hit the ground then stayed there. —Greg Gutfeld
Remember when the southern border resembled the Boston Marathon with thousands sprinting across the finish line? Today, there's fewer illegal crossings than job postings for the Colbert show. And in May, blue collar wage growth saw its largest increase in almost 60 years. Plumbers haven't been this busy since a Taco Bell opened near Jerry Nadler's office. —Greg Gutfeld
So, how did that happen? Well, Trump also ushered in the largest deportation operation in history, which means people like me now must hire actual US citizens to shave my back. —Greg Gutfeld
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
"Nine survivors of shark attacks recently went to Washington, D.C., to press the Senate to put new restrictions on shark fishing. The Senate met with the leader of the group, Torso Jones." --Conan O'Brien
A new study just came out that found that breast implants can save your life if you’re shot in the chest. In a related story, the “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” just joined SEAL Team 6. –Conan O’Brien
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
It started with Trump’s plan to turn the air traffic control functions of the FAA into a nonprofit corporation. Although, to be fair, any company Trump runs is eventually nonprofit. –Stephen Colbert
If you remember a few weeks ago the democrats proposed a $1 Trillion infrastructure deal, and Trump said, “Why not $2 Trillion?” So they said Okay. Today was just supposed to be hammering out the details, but it didn’t work out that way. Trump walked in, didn’t shake anyone’s hand or take a seat, and left before anyone else could speak. All told, it was over in three minutes. According to Stormy Daniels that’s two bonus minutes. --Stephen Colbert
This week Denver became the first city to decriminalize hallucinogenic mushrooms. This is going to change their whole approach to tourism. “Denver: Come stare at the wood grain on the door, then maybe walk around the neighborhood till you calm down.” --Stephen Colbert
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
President Trump said the king of Saudi Arabia told him the US is the hottest country in the world right now. He had said we were originally number four but we moved up three spaces after Rosie O'Donnell left. —Greg Gutfeld
San Francisco schools attempted to roll out a new equity program where students can pass with scores as low as 21 out of 100, or as students in San Francisco call it, close to 50%. —Greg Gutfeld
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
So as divorce rumors swirl, Barack and Michelle Obama were spotted on a swanky date night in NYC. To avoid any public displays of affection that might be caught by paparazzi, they went with each other. —Greg Gutfeld
According to a new study women like to date younger partners just as much as men do. That's why Leslie Stahl's dating a Galapagos tortoise. —Greg Gutfeld
For the first time in roughly 20 years half the country believes the United States is on the right track. It goes up to 100% if we deport Carrot Top. —Greg Gutfeld
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
"The CIA is going through the stuff they found in Osama bin Laden's compound, including a diary. I didn't know he had a diary. That is so sweet. They haven't read the diary yet because they can't find the little key to open it up." –Craig Ferguson
"The royal couple is finally heading to their honeymoon for two weeks of living in pampered luxury, followed by a lifetime of . . . the same." –Craig Ferguson
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
So according to a new book during his debate prep Joe Biden's handlers had to remind him to close his mouth when he wasn't speaking. They also urged him to close it when it was. —Greg Gutfeld
During his trial we learned Shawn Diddy Combs allegedly had a prostitute pee on his girlfriend. She was given a choice. It was either that or listen to his music. —Greg Gutfeld
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
Donald Trump has a poor reputation in Canada, which he has antagonized by referring to it as the “51st state”. Congrats, Donald. You turned the most polite country on Earth into an enemy. This is like getting a handwritten letter from Mr Rogers that says: ‘Hey neighbor, I’m going to burn your f*cking house down.’ —Seth Meyers
But “the friendly attitude didn’t last long” as Trump kept insisting that Canada would join the US as the 51st state, because Canadians would enjoy a “free military” and “tremendous medical cares”. “Medical cares? Oh yeah, I’m sure Canadians are jonesing to give up their free universal healthcare with cheap prescription drugs in exchange for American – what did you call it again? Medical cares? A system where you pay a thousand bucks a month for the privilege of filling out credit card forms when you’re still in the back of the ambulance?” —Seth Meyers
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
According to a new poll California voters are not excited about Kamala Harris running for governor. To improve her support among Hispanics she's been working with a consultant named Jose Cuervo. —Greg Gutfeld
The world's the world's first sperm race in which human sperm cells will compete on a microscopic track will take place in Los Angeles. Yeah, the winner goes home on this sock. —Greg Gutfeld
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
According to a new study, the average cost of raising a child in America is now over $200,000. The study was funded by Trojan condoms. –Conan O’Brien
Today, a top LGBT organization officially endorsed Hillary Clinton. Upon hearing this, Bill Clinton said, "You had me at L." –Conan O’Brien
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
A US judge has cleared the way for thousands of federal workers to take Trump's buyout offer. Which will require them to come into the office to do it. Which means they'll have to finally buy pants. —Greg Gutfeld
An Illinois Democratic lawmaker says manufacturing is a field with fewer women because the word manufacturing includes man and it makes it sound like a guy. Great. Now explain to me why so many women menstruate. —Greg Gutfeld
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”
The trailer for Mission Impossible 8 just premiered. In this latest installment, Tom Cruise faces his most impossible mission yet. Finding a job for Kamala Harris. —Greg Gutfeld
So in 2024, the republicans control the presidency, the senate and the house. The only things that the democrats still control is Rashida Tlaib’s shock collar. —Greg Gutfeld
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
For potential disasters, this pessimist carries a card in his wallet that says, "In case of an accident, I'm not surprised." --Milton Berle
“I want to make sure Ukraine has enough tanks before I get my colonoscopy.” –Kurt Metzger 1/26/2023
"What the government wants is control. What the corporate world wants is money. What both of them want is power. What neither of them care about is you." --Russell Brand
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
You think notorious moron Donald Trump is suddenly going to be capable of having a smart conversation with voters? This is a guy who thinks windmills cause cancer, humans should inject bleach to cure Covid, and electric boat batteries will lead to shark attacks. That’s a real thing he said. Even the sharks were like, ‘Um, maybe we shouldn’t eat this guy. I think he’s gone bad.’ —Seth Meyers
At the Democratic National Convention Joe Biden will speak on Monday night, then turn the keys over to allow the event to focus on Harris. That is so wonderful. It’s always better when the seniors hand over the keys willingly. Otherwise you have to put Benadryl in their pudding. —Stephen Colbert
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
