When the feds knocked, she panicked and tried to flush her brother down the toilet (the least they can do is give him a head start)

On Monday morning, Homeland Security conducted a pre-dawn raid on the home of Ilhan Omar. When the feds knocked, she panicked and tried to flush her brother down the toilet. —Greg Gutfeld 

President Trump is expressing doubts about live streaming the execution of the Fort Hood shooter, who is after all in a wheelchair. I mean, the least they can do is give him a head start. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, there goes my Christmas card idea (people feel the same way about Facebook as they do about the McRib)

"President Obama said he will not release the photo of Osama bin Laden's dead body. Well, there goes my Christmas card idea." –Jimmy Fallon

Most Americans said they still like Facebook, but they don't trust it. So basically, people feel the same way about Facebook as they do about the McRib. --Jimmy Fallon

"George W. Bush and Bill Clinton sat next to each other at the big game. Clinton congratulated UConn on its big win, while Bush gave Kentucky a 'Mission Accomplished' banner." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

so many great things have happened so fast (sucking face)

And finally research suggests that exposure to micro-plastics can increase the risk of diabetes and stroke. So some are already advising against using plastic water bottles, food containers and sucking face with Nancy Pelosi. —Greg Gutfeld

Since January 20th so many great things have happened so fast. The borders have been closed, fugitives have been caught, egg and gas prices have plummeted and Rosie O'Donnell moved to Ireland. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, that rules out Prince Harry (and of course the Don Lemon exhibit)

The Museum of Failure houses some of the world's greatest flops. Visitors can see attractions such as Crystal Pepsi, carrot cake Oreos and of course the Don Lemon exhibit. —Greg Gutfeld

Amazon Studios the new owner of the James Bond franchise, promises that the beloved super spy will remain male and British. Well, that rules out Prince Harry. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

When you think responsible, ethical and trustworthy, you think Exxon Mobil (a Dickensian allegory for destitution)

Donald Trump has continued to make more surprising appointments in his cabinet. This morning, Trump chose the CEO of Exxon Mobil, Rex Tillerson, as his secretary of state. Because, you know, when you think responsible, ethical and trustworthy, you think Exxon Mobil. –James Corden

This is our first show of the New Year after the holidays. We’re very happy to be back. We actually would have come back last week but marijuana was just legalized here in California so, you know. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I mean, it’s called delegating, bud (guy with resting divorce face)

Donald Trump’s cabinet picks for his second term. Now that Matt Gaetz has dropped out to try to find the high school from Euphoria, there is a new nominee for shadiest nominee. That would be Pete Hegseth, Trump’s pick for secretary of defense and a “guy with resting divorce face”. —Ronny Chieng

The latest scandal for the Fox News host with no department of defense experience: a New Yorker report on how he was forced to step down from a veterans’ non-profit board due to alcohol abuse, sexual misconduct and mishandling the group’s money. Ok, that’s a lot for one person. Alcohol, sex and financial misconduct? I mean, it’s called delegating, bud. Try it sometime. —Ronny Chieng

How could someone do so many bad things at the same time? Like not only are you drinking and harassing women, you’ve also got to find time to suck at QuickBooks? —Ronny Chieng

“Apparently, the reports of the drinky-drink are making Trump doing the thinky-think, because word is Trump’s support for Hegseth is teetering, much like Pete Hegseth at a staff meeting.” — Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

All our buds, hit us up before the free weed's all ganja. Dank you. (selling lies for the ruling class)

But it's true -- a marijuana company is giving free weed to federal workers during the shutdown. Some people are questioning if free weed is really what these workers need. But a spokesman for the company released a statement, saying, quote, "We stand with all workers affected by the government shutdown." Then he added, "To be blunt, this is a sticky icky, icky situation that will only end with a joint resolution." He went on. He said, "We hope the pay freeze isn't chronic. It's not like these workers have cushy jobs. And we hope it ends for next Sunday's next big bowl." And finally he said, "All our buds, hit us up before the free weed's all ganja. Dank you." What a nice guy. --Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump's speech fell nine minutes short of breaking President Clinton's record for the longest State of the Union. And when he heard that, Trump grabbed the mic and spent 10 minutes reading the iTunes user agreement.  --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

US just finished dead last among 46 countries in media trust (choosing to just stay in the womb and chill)

Health officials say there’s a new trend of women using marijuana during their pregnancy. This has given rise to another new trend — babies choosing to just stay in the womb and chill. –Conan O’Brien

"A group of TSA agents has formed a choir to entertain travelers as they go through security. It's not helping that the only song they sing is Journey's 'Loving, Touching, Squeezing.'" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

There's no easy way to tell you this, but we found more classified documents (Where my beaches at?)

January 2023

“Today, in a planned, consensual search with the Justice Department, they went through President Biden’s Rehoboth beach house, and no classified marked documents were found. They didn't find any documents at Biden's beach house, but even more embarrassing, they found a sign that said, ‘Where my beaches at?’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Speaking of Biden, today the White House announced that he will get his annual physical on February 16th. It's gonna be crazy after Biden's colonoscopy when the doctor says, ‘There's no easy way to tell you this, but we found more classified documents.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Today, Beyoncé announced the Renaissance World Tour. Beyoncé made the announcement around 9:00 a.m. Yep, she basically gave Tom Brady an hour to trend on Twitter, then, she was like, ‘This is mine now.’” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And while we’re on the subject of low ratings – yours are lower than the wall you never built (I thought I was watching the Oscars at one point)

January 2023

“Kevin McCarthy’s election as speaker is the political equivalent of handing your kid an iPad to shut him up. The House drama got so out of control I thought I was watching the Oscars at one point.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“We are the victim of another round of roasting from the former president, who posted on Truth Social: ‘Wow, those TRUMP Hating Late Night Network Shows are doing really badly … The worst ratings that those time slots have had…’ Says the guy posting to no one on Truth Social. Trump also wondered if the Democratic National Committee is paying our salaries and he called us ‘untalented fools’. You know, you think being the father of Eric and Don Jr, he’d have more sympathy for untalented fools. And as far as how much money we make, yeah we do make a lot of money. You know what we do with that money? Pay taxes on it. And while we’re on the subject of low ratings – yours are lower than the wall you never built.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

US finished dead last among 46 countries in media trust (listening to his Billy Idol cassettes)

Last night North Korea conducted what they claim was a successful test of their biggest nuclear warhead yet. So congrats to them. I'm glad they're finally figuring that out. Will someone please tell Kim Jong Un they like his new glasses and he looks like he lost weight so he doesn't kill everybody on the West Coast? –Jimmy Kimmel

Ben Carson did not make a particularly strong impression last night. Ben Carson, to me, comes off like a guy who grabbed the wrong drink at Bill Cosby's house. –Jimmy Kimmel

"Pope Francis just got a used car, a 1984 Renault with 190,000 miles on it. The Pope said he wanted an old car so he could drive around listening to his Billy Idol cassettes." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

US just finished Dead Last among 46 countries in media trust (After all we've been through together?)

Ben from Ben & Jerry's has endorsed Bernie Sanders for president. After hearing this, Chris Christie said, "After all we've been through together?" –Conan O’Brien

This weekend many of the Republican candidates said they used a fit bit. In fact, Jeb Bush uses his to see how much distance he can put between himself and his last name. –Conan O’Brien

In a tweet this morning, President Trump called Confederate statues “beautiful.” People were shocked because it’s the first time Trump has complimented anything that’s over 40 years old. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”